Just been dumped

[Kissimirri]

Hi all.

My relationship of about a year ended tonight. He couldn’t/wouldn’t commit to a future with me. We had similar problems in September that we seemed to talk through so it doesn’t come entirely as a surprise - I think I had started to emotionally protect myself - but I am still very sad and feel very alone. I am 34 in March and starting to worry that my time is running out. I only recently started to feel that I want to have a family. I live alone and the pandemic makes the loneliness feel worse (for everyone, I am well aware).

I spent all of my 20s and early 30s focused on my career and in relationships with emotionally unavailable or otherwise unsuitable men. This one seemed different at the start - he talked about marriage and children being something he wanted - and I feel like the rug has been pulled from underneath me. We spent Christmas and New Year together with lots of affection, I love yous, etc.

Does anyone have any reassuring words please?

Oh @EvelynSalt I'm very sorry to hear that. After two years that must be very hard. I was afraid of this issue persisting if I kicked the can down the road into 2021. I have had too many relationships in the past where they have drifted along without much of a long-term plan for the future and I can no longer stomach it.

Thanks for the solidarity on not messaging. I haven't and will keep focusing on other things besides him. Taking it one meeting and one hour at a time... argh.

@Kissimirri

Oh *@EvelynSalt* I'm very sorry to hear that. After two years that must be very hard. I was afraid of this issue persisting if I kicked the can down the road into 2021. I have had too many relationships in the past where they have drifted along without much of a long-term plan for the future and I can no longer stomach it.

Thanks for the solidarity on not messaging. I haven't and will keep focusing on other things besides him. Taking it one meeting and one hour at a time... argh.

Thank you! It takes guts to make that call and end it, I'm hoping I can be as strong willed as you when I get to the deadline I've set myself.

One thing that's helped was getting a private fertility assessment. Just knowing where I stand there is weirdly comforting (even though in my case it wasn't quite the news I hoped for).

Hi, I understand what you’re going through! I ended my relationship last night after he’d been pulling away for a few weeks. I cannot stand the dithering and he wasn’t going to end it so I did!

@EvelynSalt Could I ask how much your fertility assessment was? I’m late 30s and wonder if it will just freak me out knowing!

@RaspberryMojito I paid £300 which included an ultrasound and AMH test, and a consultation appointment with a doctor to explain the results. I did it through CARE which I think has various clinics, but there are lots out there. Obviously nothing is guaranteed as fertility isn't particularly predictable, but I feel a lot clearer in my own mind knowing where I stand and that if I want kids, I really do need to prioritise that at this point.

Sweetie, you are 34, lick ur wounds for a bit and get back out there. I had my youngest at 39, it wasn't as quick as the ones before but u got hope and time. You sound lovely, there is someone out there for u. Last time I switched relationships was when I was 50, I got dumped by text. Ikr. I joined OLD, met my partner a week later, v happy. Time before that, I was 35 and just dumped, used a matchmaking service, everything was a lie on his part, he turned out to be a fruitcake but I have our daughter n lovely (now ex) stepchildren who are still lovely. Message is keep going. Onwards n upwards

You could find a gay man who also wants a child and go about it that way and then just co-parent

Hi all. I am back here again. I messaged my ex today because I had some medical test results come through and he had previously asked to know how that went. I considered not telling him but decided to let him know that everything was OK.

His response was not unkind but was extremely formal ("I appreciate you telling me... once again, thank you" etc) and left me in tears. I think it would have been better not to bother.

Altogether I feel pretty wretched and desperately sad this evening.

Sorry you didn’t get the response you hoped for. You won’t believe this now, but he’s actually done you a favour. You know for sure it’s over, now you can start to accept that and move on. You’re still young, I had my first baby at 37, you’ve still got time. Allow yourself time to grieve and hopefully lockdown will be over soon and you’ll be able to see friends and family for support.

It's just so horrible when this happens.. you have my huge sympathies.

We can only do what we think is right at the time.

@Kissimirri I was caught out like that. My first husband, we'd been together since I was 17 to 24...a long time at those ages. We were on reasonable terms when the divorce came through, I moved back to my home country on the other side of the world, he said to keep in touch, let me know my new address, etc...

I called him 2 weeks after I arrived. He spoke to me like I was shit on his shoe. I remember getting off the phone and being so upset (this was early 90s, so long before text/emails). I've never spoken to him since.

It's like the whole 'we can still be friends' routine - it's usually the dumper trying to make themselves feel better about what they are doing.

It says more about him than you.

Thank you for the kind words @Bathbrush, @bangheadhere40, and @noirchatsdeux. I know that I need to banish him from my mind. I was actually improving in small increments each day, hopefully I have not screwed up this good progress.

The last time I felt this bad was four years ago - different guy, somewhat similar break-up story (him: "I love you but I can't give you what you want"). That one took me a year to get over, which scares me because I don't think I can afford that kind of time now. Well, I will just have a make a conscious decision to move on.

God, it's hard work!

Not all older women leak pee.Have a baby alone if that's all you really want

OP here. I got alerted to this thread because someone just replied to it (zombie alert)! For anyone reading who might be struggling with a break-up, it’s 3+ years later and I can’t remember what on earth I saw in that guy. What a bullet dodged!

I’m lying in bed with my lovely partner (who couldn’t be more different to break-up guy!) in our flat we live in together, surrounded by our plants and books and art materials. Everything feels so much easier in this relationship. I never feel anxious about his feelings for me and we have a very happy life. We make plans for the future that are exciting but with no pressure to get there. It all feels natural and right.

Break-up guy messaged me 9 months after we broke up, asking if we could be friends. I said thanks, but no thanks!!

Anyone struggling with heartache - I assure you, you will get over that person and find much greater happiness 💐 (Maybe I am writing this to my younger self… 😅)

thanks for the update op. I am happy you're happy. and it has given me hope for my future. Your our relationship sounds stable, calm and fun, just the sort I'm looking for. well done on creating a life you love.