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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His dad is a murderer

34 replies

QuestionLife · 10/01/2021 20:10

Hi 👋

I’m ending this relationship, and I want to know if I’m overreacting.

He’s recently told me that his dad, who was never in his life as he took off after he was born, was an alcoholic and a murderer. Apparently he stabbed someone to death at a pub and did time in prison for it. His mother knew this when she got with him. He says that’s her “type,” she likes “rough” men. I cannot understand what kind of woman would be attracted to that, have a child with a man like that.

He’s been putting me down these days, verbally abusing me, insulting my family and people I speak to. And God forbid I say anything about him or his mother.

I’m wondering what other people think about this?

OP posts:
Gncq · 10/01/2021 20:11

Well it's a bit harsh to dump someone because of what their dad did, but

He’s been putting me down these days, verbally abusing me, insulting my family and people I speak to. And God forbid I say anything about him or his mother.

LTB

Eileen101 · 10/01/2021 20:12

Oh dear lord, run.

ivfbeenbusy · 10/01/2021 20:14

His father who has never been in his life should have no bearing as to whether you should stay in the relationship or not?

Leave him because Of HIS personality no one else's

seensome · 10/01/2021 20:14

I wouldn't dump someone for what their dad did that isn't even in their life but I would 100% finish with someone that verbally abused me.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 10/01/2021 20:15

I think you are absolutely right to end it due to him verbally abusing you and putting you down. That's absolutely unacceptable and I would be gone.

His fathers crime is irrelevant though. I've had people in my family do truly horrific things. I am absolutely nothing like them. As it happens not my parents but related to them. I would be seriously unimpressed to be judged by their actions.

Not to mention due to my previous career I saw many people turn their lives around and have children. Their children were nothing at all to do with their crimes.

Great that you ended it for his behaviour. His behaviour should mean you end it. Be careful equating that with his fathers behaviour. The two are not always connected. I can absolutely speak from experience ,they are very different things.

Enjoy life without a verbally abusive arsehole.

PaigeMatthews · 10/01/2021 20:18

Why does it matter what his dad is, when he is awful? Leave him now. Dont look back. Choose better for your future.

HollowTalk · 10/01/2021 20:20

He’s been putting me down these days, verbally abusing me, insulting my family and people I speak to. And God forbid I say anything about him or his mother.

The apple didn't fall far from that tree, did it? You need to keep as far as possible away from this abusive man.

JWrecks · 10/01/2021 20:20

You're making the right decision.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/01/2021 20:21

Even apart from the verbal abuse, if he's in touch with his mother her taste for "rough" men of this "type" would be a huge red flag for me

Imagine for a moment that you'd stayed and perhaps had children with him, and then think about what sort of men she'd want to bring into their lives

Porridgeoat · 10/01/2021 20:22

If he was a lovely bloke who treated people well it would be fine to stay with him but he’s not.

Arrierttyclock · 10/01/2021 20:23

I don't really see why you need to mention the fact that his absent dad is a murderer? He dosent sound like he treats you very well so break up with him over that rather than something that his dad did... completely irrelevant

Voice0fReason · 10/01/2021 20:23

His father is irrelevant.
He treated you badly so you left him.
All good.

movingonup20 · 10/01/2021 20:27

His father is irrelevant. His behaviour is very concerning

MaeveDidIt · 10/01/2021 20:27

You're very wise to get out of this situation.

blue25 · 10/01/2021 20:31

I wouldn’t want a relationship with someone whose Dad had murdered someone but maybe that’s just me.

S111n20 · 10/01/2021 20:34

@movingonup20

His father is irrelevant. His behaviour is very concerning
Agreed !
BlueThistles · 10/01/2021 20:43

End this ... because he's dangerous... 🌺

his Father is nothing to do with this ..

NeedCoffeeToSurvive · 10/01/2021 21:02

What his father did is irrelevant, if you don't like the way he treats you, break up with him. End of.

Sounds like he may have some trauma though, if his mother was the type who liked murderous men, perhaps other men of a violent and abusive nature influenced his childhood and upbringing.

Figgygal · 10/01/2021 21:04

Nothing to do with his dad
judge the man based on his behaviour nothing else

katy1213 · 10/01/2021 21:10

I'd want to steer clear of the whole family. And raise your standards for the next one.

PicsInRed · 10/01/2021 21:12

Reminds me of the friends episode.

Shovelly JOE

In all seriousness, OP, genetics matter, psychopathy is heritable and his mother sounds mad too. This isn't a goer. End it safely and don't meet him or be alone with him after.

Definitelynotlazy · 10/01/2021 21:18

@PicsInRed 'Shovelly Joe' Grin Spat my tea out!

2021hastobebetter · 10/01/2021 21:22

My ex convinced me that he wasn't like his parents he was. His actions are showing you - what he is like. Run away shouting abort,abort,abort in the other direction.

Sandsnake · 10/01/2021 21:25

His genetic inheritance is an alcoholic murderer and someone who has rough men as her ‘type’. His upbringing and the values he was given was from the mother with a taste in rough men and, likely, a succession of her rough male partners.

He has started to belittle and verbally abuse you. It also sounds as if he is trying to isolate you from your friends and family. You are not overreacting to leave this relationship. Don’t let him talk you out of it, under any circumstances. All the best Flowers

AIMD · 10/01/2021 21:25

Your not over reacting. How behaviour was wrong and you’re right to end your relationship.
I don’t see the sad factor as relevant.