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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Separating/divorcing support thread

41 replies

CopperBeechLeaf · 10/01/2021 12:12

I was wondering if anyone was up for a support thread? After a long time of unhappiness and counselling I told DH I wanted to split. It wasn’t a shock to him, he was about to say the same thing. I’m expecting it to be amicable - we’ve done enough counselling! But all the same it’s not easy!

Obviously we’ll be in the same house for a while yet and we have to work through how to tell the boys and whether either of us can afford to buy the other out.

If others are in a similar position I wondered if we wanted to support each other? I have cycled through relief/excitement/anger/terror/sadness on a daily basis which is a lot to handle so somewhere to post might help us all!

OP posts:
FFS123 · 10/01/2021 12:22

I'm in the same boat. Its a mutual split after 20 year together. We have a 4 and 7 year old. I feel relief really but over whelmed with the thought of moving house etc etc.

My main worry is the children. He wants 50:50 custody and I cannot comprehend not seeing them every day. Hes a great dad playing wise but doesnt do any of the admin. He also suffers with depression and the kids get too much for him at times. But he wants them 50:50. He even took himself away for 2 days recently as he felt claustrophobic. That was after he had 3 days off work to look after them over xmas.

I work full time and have the money to split. Were living together now because I need to buy him out and that's taking time. But how do I convince him to leave the kids living with me and he can see them whenever he wants?

We had alot of ivf to have them due to male factor infertility and he didnt want treatment. He wanted to accept no children. So it's a kick in the teeth he now wants to take them away from me.

Original poster
CopperBeechLeaf · 10/01/2021 19:54

I wonder if there is something at play with him right now about what he ‘should’ want or, god forbid, a bit of ‘getting his fair share’ that he needs to work through.

Could you suggest setting up 50:50 childcare while you live together still? It’s wouldn’t work exactly but he’d feel what it’s like to be in the lead 50%

What do you want? Are you thinking he has them every other weekend and a night a week? Or something else?

OP posts:
amy2021 · 10/01/2021 20:06

I'm in a similar situation. Told H today I want to separate due to finding out more and more and more instances of him messaging other women. I wouldn't end it over one or maybe even a couple of instances. But I just keep finding more and more and he's only remorseful as he's been caught.

I now have to bring my son back to the U.K. from abroad where we have moved our entire life and start again with very little in savings and nowhere to live!

litterbird · 10/01/2021 20:08

For what I have read on MN men are asking for 50/50 so they dont have to pay child support. This might just be a knee jerk reaction for him and may have not thought this through. However, your husband has a right to see them 50% of the time. Sadly, this is what divorce is all about, splitting assets and child rearing. Its tough for you as I can see as they are children that were dearly wanted and loved.

FFS123 · 10/01/2021 20:17

It has got a bit competitive since we decided to split and hes definitely trying harder to be a good dad. But I think thebkids should be in the same house weekdays to give them stability at school. I'm also trying to be realistic as I'm worn out and I have no life of my own. I dont want to commit to have them 24x7 with a full time job and it's too much.

I think I want them weekdays and he can come over 3 night or whatever and do baths and bed. Then he could have them every Saturday or every other weekend. My 4 year old would be devastated without me though as he is mummy obsessed. Also my husband works very long hours and I think he would sit the kids in front of iPads whilst he works.

It's so hard but I dont want to stay living together because I'm scared to split the kids time. I'll have to have the discussion at some point soon.

FFS123 · 10/01/2021 20:19

Does anyone know how maintenance works? I read another thread on it and if he leaves then he doesnt pay for house he just pays child maintenance. Does that include kids share of electric gas petrol food or is it something else? If I didnt ask for much maybe he would leave them with me. I assume he doesnt pay towards the mortgage as long as hes off the deeds?

Original poster
CopperBeechLeaf · 10/01/2021 20:26

There are online calculators which help with maintenance but if he has them 50:50 I’m not sure he’ll pay any/much. To buy him out you need to transfer the mortgage and deeds etc entirely to you. It’s then your house not his so he isn’t liable. But you also need to divide assets which could be 50:50 or might not - ie if one of you has a larger pension, etc. I don’t understand it fully yet but the citizens advise website is a good start.

OP posts:
HereIAmOnceAgain · 10/01/2021 20:56

@FFS123 seems to vary. You can agree he pays half mortgage instead of maintenance if you trust him to keep paying. This is often more than maintenance. Check the online calculator, it'll show you how much you'd get if he has them the agreed number of nights. If he pays child maintenance legally I think he doesn't have to pay anything else, including bills and mortgage. Theoretically he doesn't pay those at yours because he needs to house himself and the children on his time and bare those costs. Of course if mortgage defaults that would count against him, but if he knows you can/will pay it anyway he could just pay maintenance and nothing else. I think for anything more you'd have to go to court.

Groundhogdayzz · 10/01/2021 21:15

You’ve taken a massive step telling him, well done, it’s pretty horrible when you’re in limbo, it’s not working but not actually decided to separate. It seems very overwhelming at first, but it gets easier as things fall into place, sometimes you don’t realise how bad things were until you are out of a situation.

Does anyone know if no fault divorce is definitely coming in this year? That may help a lot of us who areI separated but not yet divorced. I separated from H 18 months ago and currently renting so would really like to get a line drawn under everything now and start moving forward.

MollyButton · 10/01/2021 21:24

Do not let your Ex in the house for time with DC - it is confusing for them, and will be imposing on you before too long.
Lots of fathers ask for 50:50 but alter their mind when they see the effort involved. I only know one where it worked, and he had to do a lot of ferrying his children to school.
Do not allow the access to just be at weekends - you need a share of the good bits as well as the bad bits (homework). The starting point is 50:50, the norm is every other weekend and maybe a midweek.

No fault divorce should be in by the autumn. But most people at present divorce in unreasonable behaviour, which can be pretty mild if you both agree to the terms - there is no need to delay if you've been separated 18 months. The biggest delay can be the financial settlement- that is the delay for my divorce, we have the nisi but still working towards the absolute.

Readingandrighting · 10/01/2021 21:28

My H and I separated 6 months ago but I’m still struggling with it so I’ll join please. Flowers to all. We are stronger than we realised.

Groundhogdayzz · 10/01/2021 21:39

@MollyButton thank you, I wasn’t sure if it was definitely coming in this year. Ex had said he would contest unreasonable behaviour (not sure if this is even possible), and in all honesty until recently I just didn’t have the strength to push forward. For those separating now no fault divorce will hopefully make things a lot easier and smoother all around.

MollyButton · 10/01/2021 21:46

My Ex divorced me - he wanted to, my solicitor said I had plenty of grounds. His grounds were stuff like: lack of emotional support - I didn't contest. You can discuss the grounds and agree them between you - on the whole if at all amicable I would go for something pretty mild, so the other person won't contest. Even the recent case where the Judge didn't grant a divorce that was only really because the husband contested.
But at present you can divorce after 2 years if both agreeable anyway.

Londono · 11/01/2021 11:18

Joining. I'm in the midst of a divorce and it is so very, very painful that I am struggling to function despite being in a high pressured job which is only busier because of Covid.

Living with STBXH and I am just hoping it gets better once we are in our own places.

WakingUp55643 · 11/01/2021 11:42

I'm only just looking into this now, and have an appointment with Mediate next week. I did originally speak to a solicitor two years ago, and he told me it was best to wait until the no fault law came through, which has obviously been massively delayed. But hopefully it's on the way in autumn as some of you have said. I'm hoping I can tell dh clearly that I want to separate, but although he knows I'm not happy, he's been content just to carry on, and there's no way he'll agree to separation. It's the last thing he wants. All I want is an amicable split and to move on, any ideas how to best make this happen? Is it even possible when you want it but your partner doesn't??? x

Feelingchicken99 · 11/01/2021 11:57

@WakingUp55643 same position, he’s desperately hanging in needy is a word I’d use me I want to stay friends for DD but end the relationship, it’s been 2 years of stale mate in our house over this, can do this any longer

Shesheadingonin · 11/01/2021 12:16

20 months separated and still in the same house with teenagers. The first 6 months was a nightmare as there was verbal and physical assault involved as he didn’t want to separate. The last year has been very amicable and friendly. However, I can’t continue to live in limbo so I had mediation last week and H will be contacted for mediation. I was advised to get the finances sorted before selling our home and filing for divorce. Teens will be with me.
Some days, I beat myself up about why it’s taken this long and then I realise we’re all in a good place almost 2 years later so, had I forced things sooner, it would have been messy and expensive. For example, a year ago, he refused to even discuss mediation and now he agrees it’s the most amicable way forward.
I’m here to hand hold, we’re all at different stages but we WILL get through this no matter how long it takes and we WILL find our happy place, that I’m certain 💐

Feelingchicken99 · 11/01/2021 14:26

@Shesheadingonin, how do you work the separation but being in the same house? Am going to tell my husband I want to separate but I think he won’t go, how’s best to deal with this? Any advice would be fantastic

Groundhogdayzz · 11/01/2021 15:49

@Shesheadingonin how does mediation work? Do you not have to go together or see the same person? I want to try and agree financial stuff as amicably as possible, although I know ex cares more about money than anything else. I cant really say what I think when he is there, I start to and then he shuts me down. I’d thought this would be the case with mediation, but if you can go separately it might work better.

FFS123 · 11/01/2021 17:45

Im dragging my heels as I dont want to share the children but I cant do this forever. I want to move on away from him. Not interested in a new man I just want to not live with him. I'm thinking of putting an email together for my STBXH with a proposal. I can be generous on what I expect in maintenance to try to get him to agree the kids stay with me as the main carer.
I dont know whether to send or not. Were amicable but he might revolt against the kids being with me. I dont really care about anything else except that. I realise this may change and I take the point that someone made that if hes coming to my house all the time it will blur boundaries but it would be a gradual change for me to get used to it.

I assume even with mediation someone has to go first and say what arrangement they want so my idea of writing a proposal isnt ridiculous?

MorningNinja · 11/01/2021 17:52

@FFS123 you are separating, he is the DCs DF. You need to 'share' the the DC...they need their DF - unless there are issues regarding his care

Original poster
CopperBeechLeaf · 11/01/2021 22:22

I think mediation might be better than emails FFS, and maybe see if you can get some separate counselling (does your work have an employee assist programme) really helped me through my muddle.

So I have told a few more people. I thought it’d get easier but it’s harder or easier depending on who I talk to.

OP posts:
Original poster
CopperBeechLeaf · 11/01/2021 22:25

@Feelingchicken99There’s some really helpful stuff I read on separating while under same roof - will try and find. It’s basically about moving from couple to flat mates and that helps me. I think to myself ‘would a flat mate do this’ to get clarity sometimes.

OP posts:
Spritesobright · 11/01/2021 22:47

I am hopefully nearing the end of this process now but hope to contribute/listen/maybe have a bit of a moan.

Today was my fdr court hearing wirh STBXH. The judge agreed most of my proposal and we reached a financial settlement.
I think I'm in post-climactic shock. It feels so surreal.
Divorce was never my choice but I was forced to file over 2 years ago.

To all you ladies just beginning this process - you can and will get through it and emerge stronger. It did hurt like hell in the process though.

Those still living together. We did this initially for a few months. It was very difficult. Start dividing weekends with the kids and explain to them what's going on. They probably know anyways. Try to have separate bedrooms, obvs. And take advatage of the free babysitting to go out when you can (much harder in lockdown).
Hang in there and fight your corner.

Spritesobright · 11/01/2021 22:52

FFS I felt exactly the same about the children at first. Like hell was he having them 50:50!!
But over time he continued to be reliable and the DC wanted to see him. They get a lot out of it as well and it's improved their relationship a lot.
And dare I say it now but I really enjoy my child free time and appreciate my child time more. We ended up with a 3/4 split each week and that feels right for now.