Separating/divorcing support thread

[CopperBeechLeaf]

I was wondering if anyone was up for a support thread? After a long time of unhappiness and counselling I told DH I wanted to split. It wasn’t a shock to him, he was about to say the same thing. I’m expecting it to be amicable - we’ve done enough counselling! But all the same it’s not easy!

Obviously we’ll be in the same house for a while yet and we have to work through how to tell the boys and whether either of us can afford to buy the other out.

If others are in a similar position I wondered if we wanted to support each other? I have cycled through relief/excitement/anger/terror/sadness on a daily basis which is a lot to handle so somewhere to post might help us all!

We did mediation on line - but in the end the mediator said he couldn't help as there was no movement. So its going to cost us more - but we should still stay out of court.
Ex didn't get that I was willing to forgo spousal support (my solicitor thinks I'm a good candidate to get it) for some money as recompense, so wasn't willing to move from a very strict 50:50. And he spent money on a report on pensions that wasn't from a specialist on pension splitting.
I also proved that an inheritance that he wanted ring fenced had not always been so.
I also got a intermediary agreement so I could buy somewhere with some of the profits of selling our old house (i didn't want and couldn't afford it). But I was very lucky as he walked out.

There is a lot of “I” in your post FFS. You need to start thinking a bit less selfishly.

I would really appreciate any and all advice and guidance with handling separation, he may surprise me and head to his mums but am very doubtful about this,

@FFS123 where I live you can do shuttle mediation. Where you're both in different rooms and the mediator goes between the rooms talking to you both in turn and conveying your position to the other person. I think I've seen it mentioned on here as shuttle mediation too. Power imbalances and abuse exist in many marriage breakdowns so I expect UK has this or something similar.

So sorry wrong @. My reply above was for @Groundhogdayzz.

@WakingUp55643 that's all I want too. An amicable split, a good enough coparenting arrangement.

I want my own place, I want to be able to close the door on it and feel peaceful. But between SN kids, my chronic illness and DH temper our situation is complicated to say the least. I worry about how our kids will cope without me there. I thought only our eldest DS had noticed how often DH snaps about things. Our middle boy is Autistic and lots goes over his head, but today he said about something very minor "daddy will be angry if he sees that". Felt like I'd be kicked. Eldest doesn't trust DH at all, but he's done nothing substantial that would count against him. He could end up with 50% shared care. He won't hurt them as such, but they'll probably feel anxious and worried and walking on eggshells. There's no good options for my kids. I'm hoping things are more toxic than emotionally abusive and that he can be a better father apart from me, but it feels more what I desperately want than an actual possibility. I also feel guilty because I'm planning to take his kid away, all kinds of messed up I know.

Hereiamonceagain I feel the same. I'm worried about my husbands temper although it's not bad enough to stop him having the kids. Maybe he will be calmer when we dont live together.

I also have a chronic illness and stress plays a part. I thought things were all amicable and ok living together but no medication is working and I wander if that's stress.

I know the kids need to see their dad and they want to but they have had so much change the last 6 months with other things that I wanted time for it all to settle before springing this on them. Now were in lockdown it adds complications.

I have been home and done everything for thr kids their whole life. Husband hasn't a clue what appointments they need for dentist or jabs or whatever, no idea if they are growing out of clothes and need new stuff, shoes need checking, nails cutting, what kit they need each day at school. I have tried to get him to take on these tasks but he always cocks them up. He chopped the top off sons finger when trying to cut nails and now refuses to do that. He ordered all the wrong fit for school uniform so I had to take over and sort. The list is endless.

He took himself away for 2 days recently because he was stressed and were in lockdown!

I know ultimately I will enjoy some time on my own but it took me 10 years to have them, against his wishes, and theres only 10 or so years left before they potentially leave home anyway and I want to experience every second. I also believe they should stay in 1 house weekdays and have stability for school. That's what I thinks best for the kids not me.

Maybe I just need to come to terms with not seeing them. I've never been away from them so it will be hard.

Hi all I hope it's okay if I join. I split with my ex of 8 years in July and left the home at the end of December to go in to a rental, it was so stressful finding an agent to take me and son on even with two jobs and an okay income but I'm in a temp place now until another one I was meant to get becomes available. Ex is buying another house so he's staying in the home until exchange day.

It's been difficult but I'm so glad to be out of that environment. We seem to get along a lot better. My only worry is my son who's 4 1/2. He's never had a night away from home and he's struggled at my new place, we went out for a walk to explore the new area last night and he wanted to walk back to his dads and he got so upset. The cats are there and he missed them too as do I. It really broke my heart he's so little and doesn't understand really, he asks me to go back to the house with him a lot. I hope it will get easier soon.

Sorry to read other people are having a rough time

@Feelingchicken99 like OP said, we live like a house share (friends, no intimacy). I use the term ‘friend’ loosely as I’ll never see him again once we leave unless the kids have big events that bring us back in the same space. He converted the office into another bedroom, we eat separately, split all bills (he pays more as much higher earner), have separate bank accounts and I spend a hell of a lot of time on my own in my room (kids rarely come out of their room)!

So once two years is up, I will file for divorce without having to use unreasonable behaviour. I just want it peaceful and chose to give up a few years to make that happen. It’s not for everyone but it works for us. Like yours, my husband refused to leave unless I took care of the mortgage and all bills alone so I knew I needed a different strategy.

Wishing you all the very best. Always happy to have a chat 💐

@Groundhogdayzz I had the same issue as you over a year ago. I mentioned mediation several times and got shut down. This time round, I decided to have a MIAM (initial meeting) where they find out whether your case is suitable for mediation. The good thing about this is they make contact with H on your behalf and it’s more likely once they contact him, he will be intrigued. If he’s all about money, he won’t want to end up in court spending tens of thousands of pounds when a mediator can do the exact same thing for well under £1k. That might peak his interest! The fact is, a financial agreement has to be in place before selling assets and divorcing so its just common sense to do it the cheapest way.

I’m in the UK so all sessions are currently done over Zoom. You can have separate sessions but works out a little more expensive as mediator will need to go back and forth. We have decided to do it together and log on in separate rooms!

Just give it a go. Bare minimum, it will feel like such a relief to be doing something!

All the very best 💐

shesheadingonin me and STBXH are the same, weve had separate rooms for years, we contribute to the finances independently each month.

I looked at divorce criteria and it did say if youve been living separately for 2 years you could file. Is it possible to file if your in the same house but living separately?

Ive been on to the gov.uk calculator to see what maintenance he would need to pay based on him having them overnight every other weekend for 2 nights. Does anyone know if this includes things like school uniform and school trips, new clothes etc? Or is it the childs share of gas/electric/food etc? Or is it everything he would need to pay for them.
we have dogs too so he would have to pay half of their costs especially as one is elderly and on medication and also we have a dog walker as were both working full time, although we wont be able to afford her. Thats one thing thats difficult being single. i cant just pop out late evening in the summer with the dogs as i have 2 little children and no one to leave them with.

STBXH has agreed to have a chat this weekend and said he is fine if i put a proposal together and he will have a read and then we discuss at the weekend. It may mean things turn ugly but i cant live like this and i can only imagine that mediation starts with one person saying how they would like things to be organised so i dont understand the difference.

Its so hard i feel so relieved at the thought of not living with him anymore and i cannot do anything more to save the marriage. But i feel really worried for the kids. I just wish it was 2022 and all sorted. My eldest has really bad separation anxiety from a year at home and gets distressed when i leave the room even.

@FFS123 yes, I believe you can file if you both agree you have lived separately under the same room.

Time does fly by very quickly - before you know it, next year will be here! I can’t believe how long we have been separated already. I’m aware it probably wouldn’t have gone so fast if we were at each other’s throats though.

Use that feeling of relief you feel about leaving the marriage because it will happen regardless of the journey getting there.

Joining the group. Very same situation here. Feel entirely in the unknown. It's very overwhelming

Thanks, I’ll do some reading in to how this can work as painless as possible.
I’m so desperate for my own space, we currently have no intimacy at all I have major ick I believe the term is.
He can’t be happy with how we live he try’s to be affectionate at times and it falls flat, I have found that “stone wall” is a skill of mine with out even knowing I was doing it.
I just wish I could blink and make him go away, I’m happy for 50/50 child care even though his life admin skills are really poor it’s going to be up to me to provide all the solutions as his only solution is that I “stop being a twat” and just go back to how things where 2 years ago

Anyone else so fed up with lockdown putting your separation plans in limbo? He wants to live here until lockdown ends or eases, and whilst I understand the logic, I just feel like my life is in even more limbo than it would be anyway due to lockdown. A bad day mentally :(

Some days are certainly easier than others. Where I am restrictions, so DH is WFH which is bad enough, but we're not in lockdown. The period of lockdown we had last year was so bad for me and our boys. It was hard for DH too but his moods made the whole thing worse than it needed to be. On edge all the time.

Ive been in limbo for 18 months now after a big fight in 2019. The boys were too anxious round him to seperate then. It our SN boys needs that have been keeping me here since. Though even without that couldn't have separated in the mess that was 2020. Finally gotten into therapy for our anxious Adhd boy. Which seems to be helping. Im hoping I can tell him in 3 or 4 months. We already have separate rooms. Our older boys share and I've been in with the youngest since he was a colicky sleepless newborn. I could have moved out 2 years ago, but by then the last thing I wanted was to share a bed with DH.

My only regret is that I didn’t start the mediation process sooner, particularly during the first lockdown. Even though he wasn’t open to it initially, it’s not my job to convince him so I should have just gone ahead with the first online mediation session alone and following that, the mediator would have encouraged him to attend which he most likely would have when he realised he would be saving money not going to court. If I’d done all of this a year ago, all the finances would be sorted and I’d be divorced now. There’s just no point in waiting around, I’ve learned that now.

The point is, during the process of separation, men can go through a type of grieving range of emotions which don’t align with women. When women are at the stage of peace within their decision-making and knowing that the relationship is definitely over, the guy is still at the stage of denial and trying to win her back and then when that doesn’t work, the rage and anger sets in and they are at completely different stages. It has taken over a year for my ex to feel calm and accepting of our separation. If someone had told me this, it would’ve made things a lot easier for me as I never thought we would get from the animosity and resentment he felt towards me to where we are now which is peaceful and calm.