Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

OLD - Texting after split

32 replies

SnowyWinterDays · 10/01/2021 12:02

New here and I need some advice please about this situation.

Met a man OLD last year, we dated for a while and then due to various factors it ended. It was his decision and I was upset as I thought we got on well and I really fancied him.

The problem now is that I still hear from him everyday, just by texts. It's nothing meaningful....mainly just how's your day, or general chit chat, nothing about 'us' rekindling.

I know it's lockdown so not much can happen anyway but I'm very confused. We did go through a period of no contact after the split so maybe he thinks all is okay now and he's just being friendly?

I'm too nervous to broach anything about 'us' as he has said nothing to make me think he's having second thoughts.

I do enjoy hearing from him so I don't want to not speak to him, I just feel a bit stuck. I would really like to try again with him, but if he wanted that he would say?

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/01/2021 12:13

Delete his texts and furthermore now block all his ways of being able to contact you. The man wants to keep you dangling on a string, manipulative nasty people do this to their chosen target.

littlebirdworrying · 10/01/2021 12:16

He may want to rekindle, but honestly I doubt it. I think he's probably a bit lonely and needs the connection but has no interest in pursuing a romantic relationship with you. It sounds like you would really like to rekindle things with him though. It's probably best to completely cut contact with him, or you could end up hurt again when things don't go the way you would like them too.

Original poster

SnowyWinterDays · 10/01/2021 12:23

The decent part of me thinks he's being friendly...he knows I'm on my own WFH so is being nice checking up on me. I don't see how that is manipulative? Especially as he's not aware of my feelings.

It took us ages to get off the ground in the first place, and he's very covid conscious. I think I'm clutching at straws here though!

He can be a little flirty still which also confuses me....I haven't responded to any flirting though.

This is so confusing.

OP posts:

seensome · 10/01/2021 12:38

When he texts something flirty, ask what he means by that as you thought he wasn't interested in that way, find out his intentions as you are not a plaything to be picked up and thrown down when he feels like it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/01/2021 12:45

Did you both have a vague chat about 'staying friends'?

He may be genuinely doing that, may be keeping you on the back burner, may be bored and craving attention...

If you don't want to be friends and just friends with him then absolutely walk away. He could and should have told you by now if he wanted a relationship with you again, but he hasn't so he doesn't.

He may in future want a shag though and that would be shit for you I think as you'd read more into it because you like him in a different way - you would like a relationship with him.

If you don't want to be only friends, stop contact or you are setting yourself up for heartbreak when he gets a girlfriend or lockdown ends and he isn't bored / craving attention anymore.

Lovelydiscusfish · 10/01/2021 12:49

He’s probably just being friendly. I am friends with some exes. You need to work out if you are happy to be friends with him, or whether it is going to do your head in too much as you still have some feelings for him...... Either response is valid.

Original poster

SnowyWinterDays · 10/01/2021 13:17

We never mentioned being friends, just kind of started texting a few weeks after it ended.

OP posts:

Original poster

SnowyWinterDays · 10/01/2021 13:20

I would like be able to be friends with him. I wish I didn't still have these feelings but I do.

I don't like the idea of not speaking to him more though. I'm definitely not going to mention anything!

If he got another girlfriend that would be the worst.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/01/2021 13:25

@SnowyWinterDays

I would like be able to be friends with him. I wish I didn't still have these feelings but I do.

I don't like the idea of not speaking to him more though. I'm definitely not going to mention anything!

If he got another girlfriend that would be the worst.

But he is going to get a girlfriend eventually OP and you've said you still have feelings for him. This won't end well so you're going to have to take control and either tell him how you feel or stop talking to him, otherwise you're setting yourself up for heartbreak knowingly.

Eckhart · 10/01/2021 13:46

@SnowyWinterDays

I would like be able to be friends with him. I wish I didn't still have these feelings but I do.

I don't like the idea of not speaking to him more though. I'm definitely not going to mention anything!

If he got another girlfriend that would be the worst.

You're too invested in him. He could have had a relationship with you and decided not to. He still flirts with you. He's not that bothered about your feelings, is he, or he'd be being a bit more careful to respect the friendship boundary. Friends don't flirt. Think of flirting with a friend. Ugh.

He's got you dangling at the end of the string, and he thinks he holds all the cards. Which he does, because if he said to you 'Fancy a shag?', you'd be right there, wouldn't you, thinking it was true love?

Why is this man who dumped you after a few dates getting so much airtime in your head? What a waste of your life. In the kindest possible way - can't you find a more fruitful way to fill your time?

littlebirdworrying · 10/01/2021 13:53

I agree with @Eckhart you need to recognise that staying friends with him will hurt you.

Original poster

SnowyWinterDays · 10/01/2021 14:12

Just to clarify and I'm not sure if it makes any difference...it was more than a 'few dates' and went on for a few months.

OP posts:

Original poster

SnowyWinterDays · 10/01/2021 14:16

But yes he still decided not to progress it to the 'next level' so to speak.

OP posts:

Chocolate123 · 10/01/2021 14:18

He's keeping you dangling as an option when he's lonely. That's not fair on you are you are hoping for more. You need to say hey I'm confused why are you texting me I thought you weren't interested. You can't be friends as you have feelings. Time to go cold turkey and say goodbye.

seensome · 10/01/2021 14:22

Do just want to to bury your head in the sand then?

He's not truly interested now as he wouldn't of let you go before, I can't see how remaining friends is going to help you get over him and friends doesn't seem his intentions if your still getting flirty texts.
It's up to you of course but be careful you don't end up rejected again.

Original poster

SnowyWinterDays · 10/01/2021 14:29

I'm not sure what to do, it seems lose lose :

if I cut him off I miss him a lot ( this happened last time)

if I ask him his intentions then I risk getting rejected and hurt.

if I carry on as is I risk getting hurt if he moves on.

All 3 options would upset me.

Sorry, I am aware this is rather pathetic.

OP posts:

Chocolate123 · 10/01/2021 14:34

You forgot option 4 the longer it continues the more it will hurt.

Flightinspace · 10/01/2021 15:00

I would say go for 1 - eventually you won’t miss him, i promise you.

Then draw a line under it.

You are being hurt everyday. If you weren’t hurt you wouldn’t be on here would you?
It’s nice having someone to chit chat to, but this man is not the person who you should be doing it with.
Walk away now

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/01/2021 15:01

@SnowyWinterDays

I'm not sure what to do, it seems lose lose :

if I cut him off I miss him a lot ( this happened last time)

if I ask him his intentions then I risk getting rejected and hurt.

if I carry on as is I risk getting hurt if he moves on.

All 3 options would upset me.

Sorry, I am aware this is rather pathetic.

It's an immature way of looking at it OP, sorry. One of those options is in your control and is short term pain to avoid longer term pain. It's sensible and self preservation.

The other two aren't in your control and the risks are far more likely than not to happen.

Part of adulting is shit like this unfortunately.

Eckhart · 10/01/2021 15:17

@SnowyWinterDays

I'm not sure what to do, it seems lose lose :

if I cut him off I miss him a lot ( this happened last time)

if I ask him his intentions then I risk getting rejected and hurt.

if I carry on as is I risk getting hurt if he moves on.

All 3 options would upset me.

Sorry, I am aware this is rather pathetic.

What you're neglecting to see is a win in 'walking away from an unfulfilling relationship, and therefore maintaining dignity and raising self esteem.'

Get out of victim mode. 'Poor me, he only sort of half likes me' is your current choice of stance. And yes, from there, there are only lose lose outcomes. Choose a different stance. Like 'Nobody messes me about and gets to stick around!', or 'Any relationship that makes me feel stuck, confused or unfulfilled goes straight in the bin!'

Sometimes, a self respecting life involves making choices not to have things you want. Like not having a 3rd piece of cake, or 1 too many drinks. Like choosing to work sometimes instead of watching telly. Like going for a run instead of having a lie in.

You have to identify the things that are good for you, and, as best you can, eliminate all the other things, so that your life is as good for you as you can make it.

If all the options in a relationship are negative, you vacate the relationship.

Original poster

SnowyWinterDays · 10/01/2021 16:51

I guess you are right.

I would feel bad though just cutting him off, he hasn't done anything bad and there's no way I will say I can't talk to him as I still like him ( too embarrassing).

I just wish I could be okay with it, maybe I need to make an effort to do that.

With lockdown everything is amplified at the moment.

OP posts:

Tier10 · 10/01/2021 17:03

Option 4, go cold Turkey.

Hailtomyteeth · 10/01/2021 17:26

Option one, cut him off. He's stringing you along.

ravenmum · 10/01/2021 17:27

"Hi Bob, it's been nice talking to you in lockdown but I'm beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable about texting an ex more than I do some of my close friends , and I'm sure you've been thinking the same thing. It's been great to end it so civilly, but it seems about time to wind it down. Best wishes, Mary."

Eckhart · 10/01/2021 17:37

You have to recognise that a person doesn't have to actively do anything bad to you for you to choose not to have them in your life. The fact is, his input into your life is making you feel rubbish.

Imagine you were a drinker, and trying to cut down. Somebody friendly might keep coming up to you, smiling, and saying, 'Here, have another!', 'Would you like a refill?', 'Let me top that up for you!' If you had any respect for your own boundaries, you'd eventually have to say 'Look, whilst this is very nice, it's not really getting me where I want to be, so I'm going to go home now.'

Or, you could do what you're doing now, which is keep accepting a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more, because you don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, and it's quite nice to indulge, even though you know it's not doing you any good.

'I wish I could be ok with it' is just a bit flimsy. I wish I had a million quid, but I'm not going to waste my headspace on lamenting that I don't have it, and wishing that life could be different. Get tough on yourself. Yes, it'll hurt. Cope. It won't kill you. It'll move you forward to a place where you realise you don't hang your self esteem on the actions of a man who isn't into you.

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.