Please Help.

[namechange1227]

Hi, I can’t believe I’m writing this. I’ve been with my husband for 11 years, married since 2018, first child in 2019, second child just 6 weeks ago. I have found out he’s been having a 4 year affair. I have no words, what the hell do I do? Where do I go from here? He has left home (in tears) saying he’ll have to come back after work tomorrow for more clothes. I feel completely numb. Can anyone help advise me of the ins and outs of my next steps? I didn’t return to work after DD1 as work weren’t willing to negotiate hours. I receive Maternity Allowance for DD2 and will do for 9 months. That is my only means of income. He has said to stay in the house and he will still contribute to the bills, but he won’t be able to afford that with having payments for somewhere else to live on top of that? There is more than enough room for us at my Mum and Dads and I know we’d be welcome there. Do I go there, do I stay home and seek advice on any help I’d receive to keep our home? I’m devastated. I honestly don’t know what to do. I just have no words, I would appreciate any help or advice anyone can offer on next steps/finances/divorce proceedings etc.

I am so sorry op. This is dreadful.

My marriage broke down when my daughters were 2 and 6 months. It was hard but my goodness am I glad it happened when they were little. They didn’t witness or understand any of the shit. They adore their dad and all the bitterness has settled so it’s all amicable . (They’re 8&10 now) and the school have said to me you would never have known they came from a split home, and I genuinely think it was because it happened when they were so young. They don’t reminisce about the days when we were all together and I like that. It’s easier on them .

You can get through this, there is help out there for single parents, you and you girls deserve better than what you have received. Let your parents help. Thinking of you xxxxx

That's unbelievable!! Why marry and have kids when he's having an affair with a single woman?? That is very weird.

Practically you have options. Phone a lawyer or a few lawyers and get legal advice. Tell your parents. Depending on the advice by the lawyers stay in your home but know that you can always move in with your parents if necessary.

Don't worry about anything else. All the love op

Hugs OP

Completely understand that telling your parents makes it real & it will be very hard when you do but honestly once you do, it will be a relief xxx

@Sakurami I have asked the exact same question! He said he loves me and wants to be with me, when I asked why he married me and had 2 kids. He could’ve walked away 4 years ago when we were just engaged and it would’ve been much more straight forward. I feel like I’m putting it off, telling everyone, I just feel once I do, I need to face the music and get the ball rolling, and that’s difficult. He has been in touch, saying he can’t live without us being a family, he doesn’t want to be here, he can’t go on etc etc.

I'm so sorry OP. You really do need to try and tell someone - a friend, your mum or dad. Maybe your mum could come and sleep on the sofa for a week or so. You have a brand new baby, another young child, during lockdown- that's plenty without this awful discovery about your partner. You need someone kind and practical to help you with the kids while you sort things out.

Don't let your DP take anything except clothes and personal items, ideally put stuff in a suitcase to keep him going and leave it at the door.

Are there joint bank accounts and savings? You want to ensure he doesn't clear them out. As soon as he realised he's lost you, he will likely get stingy about finances.

If you need breathing space, tell your partner not to contact you and you will contact him. Tell him you don't want him In the house at all, it's too soon.

Again I'm so sorry, I can't imagine the pain

@SillyOldMummy Thank you. He hasn’t mentioned taking anything, he has already packed some clothes but still has some here. I do need to tell someone, I just feel it will be so difficult to do so, and then like I say, it’ll feel real then. Right now I feel like I’m ignoring it, but I will need to start addressing the fact that this will now be my life and get the ball rolling with seeking legal advice etc. We do have a joint bank account, but savings were used recently as we bought a new house and had to do a lot of work to it, as well as having 8 months unpaid, as i didn’t go back to work between having DD1 & DD2 as we couldn’t come to an agreement regarding hours, I’m now on Maternity Allowance for my second child. It all feels a huge mess.

If you can’t get the words out could you email you parents and just outline the situation and ask them to come to support you?

Just do the bare minimum until you have support.

Best wishes.

The fact she is single and has been throughout, I just can't get my head round that. Why not just never marry you?

Both me and my partner had affairs in our marriages, but we were desperately unhappy and taken for granted, we ended up together and life is good.

You will get through this, you and your children will be fine. Speak to your mum, grab a bit hug and a cuppa.

Start sorting through this mess

I would go to your mum and dads , if there is room
For you then why not ? You can re Build your life start over work wise whilst having company and help with the kids, you’ll be able to claim universal credit whilst your not working and he’ll have to pay you maintenance by law. Let him stress about the house! He’s made his bed tell him to sell it as you can’t afford it and you won’t be staying in it , what a selfish arsehole , I’m so sorry but you’ll do better out of this situation and wouldn’t surprise me if he came begging back after he sees you carrying on with picking your life up , don’t let him use your young baby as an excuse to come spend time with you all as a family , don’t give him best of both worlds, tell him you’ll have to express the milk then he can take the baby for a few hours or however long your comfortable

I feel terrible for you, OP. You are stunned and devastated right now, but sharing this with your family will relieve some of the pain and stress. Also, you will soon find your anger, which will help you move through the grieving process and lead to strength.

Your H is contemptible. He is shedding big tears because he can no longer enjoy having both a wife and mistress. His days of leading a double life are over. How dare he cry and say he can’t go on. He certainly wasn’t crying when making a mockery of you and the girls for years.

Please do not allow him to manipulate you into taking him back. You and your little daughters deserve an emotionally safe home and this deceptive liar will never provide that. You, on the other hand, will teach your girls all about self-respect, honesty and courage. You all are going to be okay.

How are you doing today, OP?

Thank you all very much for your help. @MsDogLady I am ok thanks. I still haven’t told anyone though, my Gran (Dad’s Mum) is very ill and is in hospital, I really don’t want to burden my family with this at this time. She’s been in hospital since before Xmas, but in the last few days has deteriorated quickly. I’d rather try and sort through as much of this on my own as I can, to prevent dragging anyone into this mess to help. I called Universal Credit today to ask if I’d be entitled to any help with mortgage payments (I’ve never received anything like this before so wasn’t sure if I’d get help or not), the woman on the phone was so helpful, however when I told her my situation, I burst into tears that lasted for the duration of the phone call! If I was in rented accommodation, the rent would be paid straight away, however because it’s a joint mortgage, it takes 6 months before they’ll make payments. She also said to contact citizens advice for any further help, but after how I was on that call today I just couldn’t bear to lift the phone again, so will do that tomorrow. He wants another chance, has said he can’t live without us etc etc, doesn’t want to be a part time Dad, it’s just a huge mess!

If you take a look at the Turn2us website they will do a benefit calculator to give you an idea of what you would be entitled too

On the mortgage front. Yes you have to wait six months before you can claim any help. Then they can pay the interest of your mortgage as a loan. You will need to pay it back further down the line.

Don't rush any decisions. Some have managed to rebuild their relationships if the other person is remorseful and wants to change. Just take your time going forward.

He wants another chance, has said he can’t live without us etc etc, doesn’t want to be a part time Dad

Boo fucking hoo for him This is so awful for you OP, what an absolute mess, as you say. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME. Let him be the one to leave. And see what legal advice you can afford, really a solicitor should be your first port of call.

I’m sorry about your grandmother, OP.

He doesn’t want to be a part-time dad? Well, you didn’t want to be a betrayed wife. And what kind of father was he when pretending to be a committed family man? What sort of dad jeopardizes his babies’ health in utero? He chose to let you and the girls down in the worst way.

Please don’t fall for his pity party, OP. He wants to have and eat his cake without suffering any consequences for his unethical behavior. His betrayal was lengthy and massive. Life with this selfish, untrustworthy man would mean perpetual anxiety and uncertainty.