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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please Help.

40 replies

namechange1227 · 10/01/2021 11:36

Hi, I can’t believe I’m writing this. I’ve been with my husband for 11 years, married since 2018, first child in 2019, second child just 6 weeks ago. I have found out he’s been having a 4 year affair. I have no words, what the hell do I do? Where do I go from here? He has left home (in tears) saying he’ll have to come back after work tomorrow for more clothes. I feel completely numb. Can anyone help advise me of the ins and outs of my next steps? I didn’t return to work after DD1 as work weren’t willing to negotiate hours. I receive Maternity Allowance for DD2 and will do for 9 months. That is my only means of income. He has said to stay in the house and he will still contribute to the bills, but he won’t be able to afford that with having payments for somewhere else to live on top of that? There is more than enough room for us at my Mum and Dads and I know we’d be welcome there. Do I go there, do I stay home and seek advice on any help I’d receive to keep our home? I’m devastated. I honestly don’t know what to do. I just have no words, I would appreciate any help or advice anyone can offer on next steps/finances/divorce proceedings etc.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/01/2021 12:00

Am so sorry this has happened. It is really all on him and nothing to do with what you have/have not done or on you as a person. Do reach out to people like your mum and dad.

Can someone else like your parents be with you tomorrow when he comes back for his clothes?. Can they not be boxed up in advance and left outside?.

I would seek legal advice asap for your own self and start divorce proceedings. I would not trust him to be at all reliable going forward either; all this about him contributing to the bills could become a lot of hot air on his part.

Be kind to yourself; take things now minute by minute and hour by hour.

Cantpickausername5 · 10/01/2021 12:21

I'm so sorry. What a horrific time for you. I'd say the first step is making sure you have IRL support. Have you friends and family you can contact. I wouldn't be making any drastic decisions now. Get some support and than get some legal advice first. What a horrible prick he is and a 6 week old baby here.

Original poster
namechange1227 · 10/01/2021 12:35

@Cantpickausername5 @AttilaTheMeerkat Thank you for both replying. I don’t even know that IRL support is so I’ll need to look into that. As I say, there is lots of space at my Mum and Dads and I know we’d be welcome there, (they would probably rather I was there as I know they will worry about me having this happen), but I’m not sure what to do for the best, but I know I can’t afford the house on my own. I can’t believe this has happened and I am writing this, I just wish it was a nightmare and someone would wake me up. I can’t even bear to think of our daughters and how us splitting up will affect them. My heart is broken.

OP posts:
Sundaypolodog · 10/01/2021 12:42

Sorry this is happening to you. I would go to your mum and dads - as you say, you'll be welcome and there's plenty of room and they will be happy to look after you and your children - let him get on with his own mess - he created it. You do what is best for you and your children

Biscuitsanddoombar · 10/01/2021 12:46

Oh love I’m so sorry, what an absolute shit!!

You don’t have to do anything momentous right now, just focus on getting through the next few days. Tell your parents and let them help you xx

Do you have access to all the bank accounts so you know where you are financially?

Make an appointment with a solicitor as soon as you can

This is not your fault OP, this is all on him xx

seensome · 10/01/2021 12:46

Don't you move out, let him find shelter at someone else's house. I'm not sure what he's like as a father but would he have them while you worked part time? Or maybe your family could help with childcare, for now, he needs to carry on paying the bills, get in touch with universal credit to see if your entitled to any financial support.

Lemonpiano · 10/01/2021 12:47

I'm sorry. I would say don't make any rash decisions - you have time to gather information on your options, to allow some of the initial shock to ease, and formulate a bit of a plan before you act.

Your daughters will be ok and so will you.

HmmSureJan · 10/01/2021 12:49

Go to your Mum and Dad, let them look after you. You don't have to decide anything yet but under these circumstances I would welcome my daughter and grandchildren with open arms.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 10/01/2021 12:57

I would second the poster who said stay in the house. Make it the precedent that you live there, not him. You will be entitled to financial support but at the moment you can use his guilt to your advantage and get him to keep paying for everything until you’re settled. Don’t worry about whether he’ll look after the DCs and you can get a job etc - thats all stuff for the future.

For now, the important thing is to stay put, get his stuff out and get your parents to support you as much as possible (IRL is just ‘in real life’)

You can do this, one day at a time for now Flowers

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 10/01/2021 13:00

And yes, once the shock has worn off, get copies of all financial paperwork to hand, his pension, savings and investments etc. You might need to inform the bank that any joint accounts will need both signatures to withdraw money from now on, just in case things turn nasty and he decides to help himself and leave you with nothing.

At the moment he’s high on adrenaline and will be focussed on his new life ahead, and if that means making things run smoothly with you by promising all sorts that’s what he’ll do. He’s not your friend any more, so don’t take him at his word.

DearTeddyRobinson · 10/01/2021 13:37

So sorry this has happened OP. You will find great support on MN. I would add, don't worry about the DCs, they are so little they won't remember this awful time, and as they get older won't know any different. Far better now than when they are 6 and 8, say.
Would your parents come and stay with you ?

Wanderlusto · 10/01/2021 13:43

I would say go to your mum and dads but you need to know your legal standing on the house first. It's often advised here not to leave the family home. See about selling up first maybe, then go stay with family for a bit or rent with the money from the sale.

Defintely seek legal advise though, asap.

Emeeno1 · 10/01/2021 13:56

What an awful shock, I am so sorry!

Please do not leave your house. Moving out of the marital home leaves the property open to your spouse's control. If possible ask your mum and dad to come and stay with you and the girls. Support bubbles are for this. You need some care, some time and some love before you do anything.

I wish you so much happiness in whatever comes next. Because there is a next.

unicornsarereal72 · 10/01/2021 15:31

Look after let yourself and your babies.

Don't leave the house.
Copy any paper work you think might be important
Bag up his stuff he might need and leave In the Porch or garage for him to collect.
Seek legal advice
Claim any benefits you are entitled
Cms for child support
25% reduction in council tax
Go through bills. And stop paying anything that is his. Car tax phone bills etc.

Get real life support around you. Your family and friends.

Seek professional support if you feel you need too.
You need time to grieve. So just do what you can day by day. And be kind to your self.
Eat when you can.

YellowBeryl · 10/01/2021 15:44

How awful, he is completely despicable and so cruel. Don't do anything in a hurry, get support from your parents, take legal advice and take care of your children and you. Flowers

Dery · 10/01/2021 16:44

Could your mum and/or dad come to be with you for a bit?

GreenClock · 10/01/2021 20:57

I’d suggest staying put in the house until you’ve talked to a solicitor, OP. Don’t assume that your husband will continue to act fairly when it comes to money matters. He might do - but don’t take the risk.

You will emerge from this in one piece, I promise. Look after your interests right now.

Theoscargoesto · 10/01/2021 21:31

You WILL be ok. It really hurts and at times you hardly know how to breathe, but just keep putting one foot in front of the other and in time you’ll be ok.

Don’t move out, is my advice. See a lawyer. And I pass on a little bit of advice given to me in similar circumstances: guilt (ie his) has a short shelf life so get as much agreed in your favour as soon as you can.

Sunflower1970 · 11/01/2021 04:48

What a shit. Please don’t leave the house- it will leave you in a weaker position. Would your parents be able to come and stay for a few days to offer support ? Get copies of everything and seek legal advice.

Original poster
namechange1227 · 11/01/2021 07:46

Thank you so much for all your replies. I am still in the house, and I still haven’t told my Mum or Dad, friends etc. I just feel to say it out loud makes it real, and I’m not ready for that yet. I had a day at home with my children, I just can’t bear to think about it right now. 11 years of my life, gone. I feel so angry then the next minute I feel so emotional! My parents wouldn’t be able to come here, as we don’t have the room for them to stay. They would certainly help though, and my Mum is retired so I know she could help with childcare etc. I’m not sure what happens in terms of our daughters, and seeing them etc? I’m breastfeeding my 6 week old, haven’t ever expressed so she’s not used to a bottle or being away from me. It’s completely breaking my heart to think of it all. I will have to look into any financial support that’s available, as both our names is on the mortgage but I definitely can’t afford it on my own, along with other bills etc, especially with only having Maternity Allowance as an income at the moment. I do also receive child benefit for both children. I wouldn’t have the first clue who to contact regarding this. I guess I’ll have a look online and go from there. I/we don’t have much in terms of savings as we only moved into our home in March 2019, and had work to do when we moved in. Of course he has asked if we can sort things, if there is any chance of us staying together. How could we possibly?What a start to the New Year.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange1227 · 11/01/2021 08:19

That should say, “him seeing them” (our children).

OP posts:
Newwayofthinking · 11/01/2021 10:02

Wow, so he was having an affair and then married you and had two children.

I don't understand why?
Why did he marry you?
Why have children?

I can understand affairs when you have been together for years and are unhappy, but this is weird.

Do you know anything about her?

HollowTalk · 11/01/2021 10:10

What a horrible shock for you. I'm another who can't understand how he could marry and have children while having an affair.

Is the other woman married?

Personally I'd go to my parents' house for a while. I'd want the support and the company and I would want to avoid setting eyes on him, too.

Original poster
namechange1227 · 11/01/2021 10:52

Yeah, he married me whilst having the affair, and then having our 2 children. Like I say, we have a baby who is just 6 weeks old and I’ve now found out this has been going on for 4 years. I don’t know anything about her other than she is a colleague at work, they used to work together daily however they don’t now, as my husband was recently promoted, and now works on a different shift pattern, but they do still see each other a few times a week. I’m completely shattered by it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange1227 · 11/01/2021 10:54

@HollowTalk No, she is single. I just can’t believe it.

OP posts: