Am I going mad?husband and single women

[Loola08]

Sorry but I need some opinions on this.my husband of one year has repeatedly kept in contact with single women he has had relationships with or flirty chat in the past.
He also friends a lot of single women on facebook and he will fixate liking all their photos etc.
I've spoke to him about it and he's admitted shoe on other foot he would be upset but it continues.
The most recent he had tried to arrange a date with a couple years back then recently he's been dropping her messages randomly, him contacting her not the other way round.I cannot take anymore of it.tries to make out I'm crazy every time. Says IM stalking but surely I shouldn't feel like this??
He has women friends that I have no problem with but others are random people he doesn't have any contact with then all of a sudden he will feel the need to talk to them.I feel hurt.no regard for my feelings at all.he's not hiding it either he just thinks it's ok to do I can't count how many times I've told him it upsets me.I honestly think I'm done with it all now

There are choices open to you.

One is to prolong your misery by trying to talk to him, telling him your feelings, engaging with what he is doing, and getting involved in arguments. All of that is mother's milk to him. It is what he craves. He has found all of your buttons and he is busy pressing them one after the other, and he is laughing at you.

The only choice that will bring you happiness is to leave him.

See what happens if you ignore him, stop mentioning all of this to him, stop begging and leading and trying to persuade him.

Disengage.

Go about your days, stop taking the bait. You will find your mind is clearer but you will notice his attempts to reel you back in.

Make plans to separate and divorce. Go and see a solicitor, find out how you can get him to leave, what might happen to your home, talk about custody and visitation and child support.

@mathanxiety Thankyou.my biggest weakness is trying to talk to through when it's absolutely pointless.

Yes it's hard to disengage at first because it feels like being a doormat. You feel like you're not a doormat when you fight back and defend yourself and tell him his faults when he tells you yours. But it's a lie that makes you feel like you're not a doormat. The bottom line is that you are still engaging with him, still participating in a dynamic where you appeal to his reason/empathy/sanity and he is deaf to you.

To break that dynamic, stop defending yourself. Instead think about what you can do next. Dont share any of your thoughts with him. Your thoughts are private from now on

Sort things out in your head. What options do you have. Accommodation, job, benefits, supports, research it all and share nothing you have found with him.

You will feel like a doormat to begin with when you ignore him but it"s feeling like that and resisting the inclination to defend yourself to him that will free you from the dynamic finally.

He is playing mind games with you. You have said it is not acceptable and that is the end of it. Disengage as best you can before he twists it around to the "poor me" conversation.

@Lex345 yes he's already started this, and that all important person that was with risking his family and relationship for this time was a girl he hasn't seen since primary school!
But he's trying to spin it round to being me.it's starting to bore me now

@WiseOwlRelaxing that's the worst thing.I told him all my thoughts.and he quickly used them as a tool to get what the reaction he wants.feel like a fool.

Please let's not focus on 'why' this man is doing this. His 'poor self esteem' and needing an ego boost He is NOT a victim in this.

Who cares why he does it. He knows it's wrong but he's riding rough shod over your feelings to do it OP.

For the love of god LEAVE 🌺

[quote Loola08]@mathanxiety Thankyou.my biggest weakness is trying to talk to through when it's absolutely pointless.[/quote]
Ok, so instead of using this thread to repeat that mistake, why don't you use it to make your plan to leave him?

Nobody finds leaving a toxic relationship easy, but either you keep using that as an excuse to stay or you accept that often the really important things you need to do in life are difficult and begin taking steps forward.

I am in a similar situation and after so much pain and heartache, albeit not by a physical affair but plenty of emotional ones over the years, it is enough! I am moving away with our son as a last resort. I desperately don't want a divorce but need him to work on himself and actually realise what's at stake.

Why don't you want a divorce, @amy2021?

As long as you have this weakness you are vulnerable to him.

This is why I fucking hate social media!!
15 years ago he would have to actively go out and flirt with women in bars etc and that's so much effort. Now it's clicks on buttons to get the same thrill its all too easy!!
I would not stand for this behaviour at all.
Unacceptable and disrespectful to you and your marriage

@2021vibes I’ve told him before he lives in an online world!!
His justification yesterday was it was late at night, I was bored.I’m not engaging with him now.
I’ve got to focus on the kids and the fact lockdown is taking a toll on them.
He doesn’t actually believe what he did was wrong.
He reckons it’s just friendly but then she put an odd comment about waiting for him!
Erm yes that’s because you’re initial contact with her was flirtatious!!!
I don’t believe he’s just incredibly stupid, he’s taking the piss!

@amy2021 yes that’s it, they think because a physical action hasnt taken place it’s ok.
A mental betrayal can be worse.
I’m doing what I can to just keep away from him right now.

I'm wondering what he would say to you sending a boob pic to one of your male friends? Nothing wrong with that no action has taken place? 🤪🤪

@Loola08

I know you're right *@AnyFucker* I just didn't want to admit it.but there's no other choice now.I'm actually embarrassed by it all that I could allow someone to do this and let him make me think I'm the one with the problem.

The reason you've let it happen is because it's something you could never do yourself, so it's been a lot easier to accept reasons that are more tangible to you, like your perception being a bit off.

It's not a reflection on you. It's a reflection on how far his actions have been from a reasonable person's expectations.