Am I going mad?husband and single women

[Loola08]

Sorry but I need some opinions on this.my husband of one year has repeatedly kept in contact with single women he has had relationships with or flirty chat in the past.
He also friends a lot of single women on facebook and he will fixate liking all their photos etc.
I've spoke to him about it and he's admitted shoe on other foot he would be upset but it continues.
The most recent he had tried to arrange a date with a couple years back then recently he's been dropping her messages randomly, him contacting her not the other way round.I cannot take anymore of it.tries to make out I'm crazy every time. Says IM stalking but surely I shouldn't feel like this??
He has women friends that I have no problem with but others are random people he doesn't have any contact with then all of a sudden he will feel the need to talk to them.I feel hurt.no regard for my feelings at all.he's not hiding it either he just thinks it's ok to do I can't count how many times I've told him it upsets me.I honestly think I'm done with it all now

He is thriving off the flirting and chat
Everything online seems so much more than it is which is FAKE
He lives through getting attention by these online people it becomes quite obsessive
It is not loneliness it is ego stroking nonsense.

Cut the bloody wifi off!

@converseandjeans he comes across as all playful and friendly, but one 'friend' he has he had told her he would take her out for lunch and he likes making her happy!
Told me it's ok we don't want eachother like that but she was happy to reply yes I'd like a me and you day???feeling stupid right now?yep I am!!!!

I think he feels threatened by other men, he can't seem to have relationships with the same sex!

loola08 I honestly don't understand why these other women want to get involved?!

As it is we're in lockdown so he can't take her out.

It sounds like he now wants to control who you chat to which is ridiculous.

What do you elder children make of him? I assume they're early teens/pre teens?

He sounds like a lecherous ol' perv.

Your choices are 1) put up with this disrespect
2) vote with your feet and walk away and create a new life. Only allow people who respect you in to your life. Whether friends, bosses, potential romantic partners.

The choice you don't have is 3) making him respect you.

don't bothering analysing him and figuring out why he is how he is. Zzzzz

He's telling you to block a female friend?

Would that be a woman with a high bar by any chance? A woman who he knows does not ''admire'' him?

He does sound like a shell. His locus of validation is entirely external. He gets by on ego not self-esteem, so he needs the constant validation from women and randomers.

It'd be impossible to build any kind of relationship with this vacuum of a man.

Sad thing is though, these people with self-esteems in the gutter can do a lot of damage to you if you let them.

I think he would go NUTS if you turned off the wifi!! He'd have to go half an hour with nobody stroking his paw?!

@converseandjeans he looks like a safe bet to talk to, married seemingly happy, what I had to take i to consideration is it's always single women he talks to oh and pretty of course!
I don't know what my kids make of him anymore!

And he won't
Like their pictures of them with their kids or family just the filtered 'look at me' ones!

Also my ex-partner who was like this had no male friends of his own - only women. He'd been an online dater for a while - none seemed to want a relationship with him but many had stayed 'friends'. He also had FB 'friends' with several Russian women (who he didn't actually know). He love bombed me within a few weeks. He told me he'd spoken to the police about his ex wife and a previous girlfriend and then threatened me with the police about something he was making up as it was clear I wanted to finish things with him. I can't believe I spent a whole year with him. It was miserable.

Can you not turn it around?

I'd be asking him why he's so needy? What's missing from him that he needs to act like a thirsty loser? Do you not have high self esteem, so you need validation from other women? What can I do to help you with your inadequacies?
Tilt your head to the side when you ask him.

I'd have him feeling small as hell, and then I'd boot him out.

Prick.

Whose is the house?

The nerve of him trying to cut you off from your friends when he is cheating rings around himself.

I'd tell him that he's free to do what he likes now as there is no relationship anymore. Whatever he responds, just say ''ok''.

I'd also be telling him that all this slobbering over other women is causing you to lose any attraction you had for him. It's sad to watch, how pathetic you are etc etc.

Yeh, what a turn off.

The time of caring about whether he stays faithful and shows you respect must have long passed at this point.

Dollar short and a day too late.

Tell him to go out to play and get laid

@Loola08

I wish I knew how to respond to it.I've tried ignoring, talking to him, it just carries on.

That's because the thrills he gets from it are more important that you or your marriage, no matter how upset he might feel by you being sad. He also doesn't see the need to stop because he can't keep to boundries and at the end of the day, he thinks 'Well she's still here so she must not be that upset. I'll just keep on doing it because I can and she probably won't leave me. She too devoted to me to do that'.

A terrible way of regarding someone else's loyalty and commitment, but some people are like that. I think he's totally taking the piss and disrespecting you.

@Sassandfaff1 I've tried this too, I know he's got self esteem issues, he's trying to lose weight hates the way he looks, I've been so supportive of him I've never put him down or made him feel bad.
The fact that I gave birth and am only a couple of pounds off my original weight is probably not helping but that's not my fault, I worked hard at it!
I cant seem to
Do anything right and I think it's because his issues are with himself.

@EarthSight he had the audacity to say last night that he hasn't complained about anything for a month!!well done you!!!
I have told him that if I'm really the 'problem' in this relationship best we don't work on it and go our separate ways!!!

He sounds too broken for you to fix....not that it's even your job anyway.

If you can't find the strength to completely let him go, are you able to tell him to move out and work on himself and he can come back when he reaches adult maturity?

You might find you don't want him back after he's been gone a month or two.

Stop trying to talk to him. He is wrecking your head on purpose. Stop trying to understand his behaviour...you never will because you are a reasonable person and he is not.

He is a self obsessed manchild and he will forever put his own neediness first. Men like this suck the life out of women and they prefer them docile and distracted by lots of children. Stick around for more of the same if you want but each year that goes by you will be diminished that little bit more.

I cant seem to
Do anything right and I think it's because his issues are with himself.

Yes.

This is correct. a person with an unresolved neurosis from childhood (a lot of us) will blame them self for any inner conflict. Or anything they can't achieve or manage, it will feel like their fault.

I'm guessing that describes you.

This person often gets together with somebody who utilises all of the defense mechanisms. denial, projection topping the list. This person will blame somebody else for all of their anxiety, inner conflict etc. anything they can't achieve or can't manage will be somebody else's fault.

And you cannot really change this dynamic. Perhaps with years of therapy but it isn't worth it

Please go back and read all of the posts again. Mathanxiety has as usual posted a good post on this thread. I'd hate you to miss it in all of the posts!

We all agree though. Never seen anything so unanimous!

I would stop worrying about the why and concentrate how you are going to get rid of this cheating manchild.

Not only is he unfaithful he tells you to block your friends. He has so many red flags all over him and you need to open your eyes and see them flapping.

Wow. He talks to these women for validation and to stroke his ego.

Boundaries have been crossed.

You know what to do OP. You don't want your children to view this as a healthy relationship.

@mathanxiety @WiseOwlRelaxing I definitely feel any weakness of mine has been used against me.
He's just told me that he would hit the roof if I had done this, talking to her in The middle of the night was not acceptable but that I don't reallly think he would take it any further???
I replied you've just told me it's wrong and yet you perused it regardless of our family and my feelings??
I cant believe he wants me to take this lying down!!!

Sadly, as you accepted this behaviour right from the get go he has continued. Throughout all this you have accepted his marriage proposal, the talk about having a baby with him and having that baby knowing and accepting his on going behaviour. Your tunnel vision of having the Disney marriage and all that entails has sadly left you in this position. I am so sorry this has happened. So, that being said you need to make plans to leave. It will take some time to process this and to gather your thoughts but you have now realised this is not the man for you....or any woman come to that....set yourself free. You must concentrate on raising your lovely children from your first relationship and now your 9 month old with you STBEXH in a loving environment that is healthy for you and the children. Most of the posters have said the same thing and get yourself down to a solicitor when you are ready.

@litterbird I'm trying to come to terms with it.I've told him there's no way forward.he won't stop until he's drained all my self worth.

@Loola08....its such a sad post to read. Dont rush in coming to terms with it as if you rush that then thats when you are likely to leave and be sucked back by his ridiculous demands and promises of changing. Take your time to just sit with what is happening and how you can take baby steps to leave. Dont go full pelt just yet.