Just not cut out for a relationship?

[sararh]

I'm in my early thirties and have been single for over 10 years. In my mid-twenties I had a 'pro-active' streak and went on about 5 or 6 dates with some really great men. Each time I found just... didn't want to keep seeing them. Even when I really, really liked them. Since then, I've declined every request to go out (not that they're coming in thick and fast) as I feel like it's not fair on the other person.

I would describe myself as introverted and independent, and although I have a good number of friends who I keep in contact with, I struggle with long-term depression and anxiety, and usually spend my free time in bed either dozing, reading, watching TV or browsing the internet (unless I have something specific to do). I haven't stuck to any of the activities I've taken up over the years (gym, pilates, language etc.) and don't have much motivation to do so. I'm very sensitive to things like crowds, noise and stressful situations and I avoid these as much as I can. When I do meet friends in the pub I'm fine after a drink but would be quietly suffering if I had to be in there sober.

The thought of a relationship makes me feel exhausted - having to get up and do things with someone, look a certain way, consider someone else in my daily decisions. I also value being able to make spontaneous decisions based on what I feel like doing in the moment e.g. I will go shopping today, I will go to visit my friend (pre-lockdown), I will stay in bed today.

I feel very trapped when I'm forced to go along with someone else. For example, on holidays with friends, I usually end up taking myself away from the group and spend a day exploring by myself. By the night, I am ready to enjoy interacting again. In situations where I can't take myself away (if there's nowhere to go for whatever reason), I feel tired, drained, frustrated and empty. I also greatly value my own space and privacy.

I feel like the above is why I've nipped any budding relationships in the bud - I just don't think I'm compatible with one. At the same time, I often find myself thinking how great it would be to have a relationship with someone I love who loves me back.

I don't know. What would you do if you were me? Would you just accept that you're probably going to spend the rest of your life single and the only romantic relationships you have will be in your head? Or would you make an effort to go on dates again (post-lockdown)? Just after your thoughts really!

Just be, and stop worrying about the future. You don't know what might happen. You might start looking in earnest, and waste years trying to build relationships with people you're not compatible with, or you might decide to stay single, then drop a bag of pasta in the supermarket, and find yourself picking the spillage up with someone who turns out to be the person of your dreams.

Even those who plan it (ie married with kids and a mortgage) accidentally meet and fall in love with new people. Just let it be.

Are you happy?

OP reading your post i felt like you could see inside my brain - I am exactly the same as you. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, there's no hard and fast rule that says you have to want a relationship and have to couple up. A lot of people are happier without. Life is about finding what's right for you.

I could have written this except am newly separated from a long marriage and can't imagine letting anyone else in. So think I have an element of social anxiety and dismissive avoidance...have you considered if either of these are also at play? The key thing is if you are happy...if you are not work on yourself first for yourself

You sound like my ex-partner. It was painful being with him at times. We broke up because he genuinely couldn’t bear being committed to someone, anyone, including me. It felt like such a waste when we split because he was wonderful in many ways.

My partner could have written this. He was long term single, all through his 20s, and until i met him at 30. He is introverted and happy with his own company. He would happily spend all his free time alone reading, or hiking. He has friends and can be very social, but in short bursts. And the reason he hadn't really dated before is because he was happy with his life, but like you, thought he wouldn't be a good partner, especially as it has been so long. But did want someone to call his own, someone who would love him, and he could love - he was happy enough with his life but did feel like something was missing.

His friends encouraged him to try dating, and he met some lovely girls (by his own admission) who were keen, but he never pursued it as he always made excuses to himself. And admitted he sometimes felt like he was broken. I was his last date before he was planning to stop and just stay single. But something clicked on our date and for the first time, he felt like actively pursuing it and not worrying about the future.

I'm quite different to him - extroverted and outgoing, but also, very independent and comfortable with being alone. And he says he doesn't feel conscious or worried about being himself. Because I accept it, and don't mind it. And as time has gone on he finds he doesn't need as much alone time as he feared, enjoys doing things together, and is stepping out of his comfort zone more - because he feels like he's in a safe place with me. And I enjoy going off on an adventure and then coming home to him and telling him all about it.

So, if you do want a partner, don't stop putting yourself out there and meeting people, going on dates, but without the pressure. Because all it takes is to meet the one person you're compatible with, and you will feel like pursuing it. Don't question yourself and whether you're meant for a relationship or not - you can't know till you are in a relationship. If someone likes you, and you like them, go for it - don't self sabotage thinking you're not cut out for it.

Good luck!

If there wasnt societal pressure to be in a couple, would you bother? Would you perhaps be happy in a 'together apart' relationship such as long distance or friends with benefits?

There's no law which states you have to be married or living together.

You're still you g so concentrate, when you're ready, on meeting someone who feels the same way as you do. Make sure your OLD profile mentions your introversion, alone time, liking of quiet spaces etc.. It will attract those who enjoy and appreciate those things too.

God I was you until 6 months ago. Single for 8 years and v happy with my introverted life, possibly too happy. Took a chance at internet dating at the age of 48 and made it very clear that I didn’t want someone in my pocket all the time. Amid all the emails from pensioners a little chunk of light shone through in the shape of a 5- year old single 50/50 dad. I see him once a week. It’s lovely. Don’t want or need any more.

I know two people like this. Both deteriorated as they got older into their forties. They gave up their jobs in their mid and early thirties and no longer work but live off what their parents give them. One has turned so anti-social that going out of the house is now very rare (perhaps once every few months) but she seems to be suffering from depression as an ambulance attends now and then with flashing blue lights but thankfully always leaves without her (I'm a neighbour).

The other is my ex who admits to being exactly like you. But still wants sex and so picks up women and discards them.

Both seem to use people when they have a use for them but give nothing back, and both are selfish and quite spoilt. This may not describe you at all OP and I think you also hold down a job, so I am just giving my experiences with two people who I would describe as sharing some similar traits to you.

One thing I did notice about my post is that you seem to have little concern about what other people think about you or how you impact upon them. It sounds like its not just about being in a couple but having friends as well. Do you have any long term friends? Do you do anything to benefit anyone or anything else? Neither of the two people I mentioned have a single friend.

If I were you? I'd probably try to "train" myself to be more social, because its generally beneficial to people's wellbeing. I wouldn't want to waste my life sitting in bed when I'm not working so I would try to be quite disciplined with how I spend my time.

Some lovely messages on here. I think if I’d really wanted or was able to be in a couple I would have done so by now. Looking back, at 60 now, I think I’ve been quite happy on my own. Not the comforts of family life or the yearnings for romance filled as much as I would have liked. Life’s been hard (single, poorish, chronic illness) but interesting and aloneness has allowed me to develop in other ways. Sweaty’s post - sounds lovely, so who knows. Live life every day.

Hi OP, you possibly have "sensory processing sensitivity" from some of what you described. The layman's term is "highly sensitive" person. Take the test here and see if any of it resonates: hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/

Thanks all for the (mainly) lovely responses :) the general vibe is what I think I was probably hoping to hear (without really knowing it) - that I don’t have to make a do-or-die decision at this (or really any) point in time around whether I should see people or not, the important thing is to remain open and neither try to force something or close myself off :) I think I knew that at some level but had forgotten. Will continue as I am for now I think (lucky to have a good job and lovely set of friends) and not force a label onto myself. X

Also to above poster - yes I have read ‘highly sensitive person’ by Elaine Arron (sp?) and would very much put myself in that category x

@GreenlandTheMovie

I know two people like this. Both deteriorated as they got older into their forties. They gave up their jobs in their mid and early thirties and no longer work but live off what their parents give them. One has turned so anti-social that going out of the house is now very rare (perhaps once every few months) but she seems to be suffering from depression as an ambulance attends now and then with flashing blue lights but thankfully always leaves without her (I'm a neighbour).

The other is my ex who admits to being exactly like you. But still wants sex and so picks up women and discards them.

Both seem to use people when they have a use for them but give nothing back, and both are selfish and quite spoilt. This may not describe you at all OP and I think you also hold down a job, so I am just giving my experiences with two people who I would describe as sharing some similar traits to you.

One thing I did notice about my post is that you seem to have little concern about what other people think about you or how you impact upon them. It sounds like its not just about being in a couple but having friends as well. Do you have any long term friends? Do you do anything to benefit anyone or anything else? Neither of the two people I mentioned have a single friend.

If I were you? I'd probably try to "train" myself to be more social, because its generally beneficial to people's wellbeing. I wouldn't want to waste my life sitting in bed when I'm not working so I would try to be quite disciplined with how I spend my time.

The OP, doesn't need to "train" herself to be more social, if her current level of socialisation meets her needs. Meeting your own individual needs is actually what is key to a person's wellbeing. Being an extrovert, for example, is not any better than being an introvert. She has said she has friends. For all we know, her depression/anxiety may actually stem from societal pressures to be a certain type of person that is 'out there' a lot more and that society says we need to be in order to be 'normal' and happy.

OP be aware there's a significant Western society bias against introversion and its positive qualities. You may find Elain Aron's books and Susan Cain's 'Quiet' book of interest if you've not come across them.

Ah cross post - just seen you've come across the book

@MixMatch yes - thank you - I have read both and am very glad of them :) I was in my twenties when I learned I was an introvert and highly sensitive - up until then I thought there was a lot wrong with me, whereas now I acknowledge and balance my needs and am happier for it. If you asked my colleagues they would probably label me as an extrovert, as I am very forward and jokey in my job (I need to be), and although that is one version of me, the other version gets a breather at lunch time as I always go somewhere to eat and read on my own, and also after work, when I chill out by myself (usually). I think this feeds into my relationship question, as being in a relationship would eat into that after work 'me-time' but from the posts above, I'm feeling less concerned - I think if I met someone I really liked now I'd just be upfront and say look, I might need to disappear sometimes in the evening or spend whole days on my own to 'recalibrate' and that person either will or won't be happy with that. If they are, that's great and maybe it will work and if they aren't, that's fine too, it was never meant to be! :)

OP a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean being joined at the hip. I’ve always craved alone time and my DP gets this - we spend four nights together, then three nights apart, and even on the nights together I carry on working until about 9 while he cooks and chills on his own. It works for both of us, it’s natural. Just carry on looking quietly for someone to share your way of living your life, but in the meantime love your life fully.

I wouldn't give up on relationships completely, you just need to find the right one for you. I can completely relate to the feeling trapped thing, & felt like there was something wrong with me, especially when looking at other couples
I have now met someone (at 51) who is suited to me. We are in daily contact, but see each other just once a week. If we stay over at each other's houses, we usually leave mid morning to do our own things. Neither of us want to live together, we just like our own space. It might seem odd to some people, but suits us perfectly.
Keep dating, but only when you feel like it & explain to whoever you date that you like a lot of your own space early on within the first few dates. Maybe add that you like them ( if you do), but this is how you are.

I'm very similar, crave alone time, etc
in a long term relationship but we don't live together

My DH and I are both like this. We've been happily married for over a decade, with kids. But we have a particular kind of marriage that wouldn't suit others.

We do have shared hobbies which helps, but respect that we are both very independent and like to spend a lot of time inside our own heads.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who wanted more.

@SauvignonGrower could you share more of how you have made your marriage work? I’m a highly sensitive/introverted person engaged to a true extrovert. He’s been great so far but am worried that long term I need a lot more space than he does.

I think you sound great actually. Hard to say whether a relationship will come along - I think some people need to be more proactive than others if this is the goal - but I don't think a 1:1 partnership is for everyone (despite what society says), so carry on being you. Keep taking that me-time where you need it, and enjoy your friendships.

@Doodallysally

My partner could have written this. He was long term single, all through his 20s, and until i met him at 30. He is introverted and happy with his own company. He would happily spend all his free time alone reading, or hiking. He has friends and can be very social, but in short bursts. And the reason he hadn't really dated before is because he was happy with his life, but like you, thought he wouldn't be a good partner, especially as it has been so long. But did want someone to call his own, someone who would love him, and he could love - he was happy enough with his life but did feel like something was missing.

His friends encouraged him to try dating, and he met some lovely girls (by his own admission) who were keen, but he never pursued it as he always made excuses to himself. And admitted he sometimes felt like he was broken. I was his last date before he was planning to stop and just stay single. But something clicked on our date and for the first time, he felt like actively pursuing it and not worrying about the future.

I'm quite different to him - extroverted and outgoing, but also, very independent and comfortable with being alone. And he says he doesn't feel conscious or worried about being himself. Because I accept it, and don't mind it. And as time has gone on he finds he doesn't need as much alone time as he feared, enjoys doing things together, and is stepping out of his comfort zone more - because he feels like he's in a safe place with me. And I enjoy going off on an adventure and then coming home to him and telling him all about it.

So, if you do want a partner, don't stop putting yourself out there and meeting people, going on dates, but without the pressure. Because all it takes is to meet the one person you're compatible with, and you will feel like pursuing it. Don't question yourself and whether you're meant for a relationship or not - you can't know till you are in a relationship. If someone likes you, and you like them, go for it - don't self sabotage thinking you're not cut out for it.

Good luck!

What a great reply 👍

@Regretsy I'm afraid it works because we both want the same thing - a lot of time on our own! Are you living with your partner at the moment? How has it been going through lockdown with them? I'd worry that an extrovert would want more time together than their partner.

I can relate to everything you've written apart from the noise sensitivity although I do experience this sometimes. Do you find that you miss your friends when you're not with them? How often do you see them? Is there much contact in between meetings?

I have wondered if I'm more likely to find a partner when I'm older (currently late 20s) with someone who has been there done that, maybe a divorcee, and just wants a non-live in partner.