Just not cut out for a relationship?

[sararh]

I'm in my early thirties and have been single for over 10 years. In my mid-twenties I had a 'pro-active' streak and went on about 5 or 6 dates with some really great men. Each time I found just... didn't want to keep seeing them. Even when I really, really liked them. Since then, I've declined every request to go out (not that they're coming in thick and fast) as I feel like it's not fair on the other person.

I would describe myself as introverted and independent, and although I have a good number of friends who I keep in contact with, I struggle with long-term depression and anxiety, and usually spend my free time in bed either dozing, reading, watching TV or browsing the internet (unless I have something specific to do). I haven't stuck to any of the activities I've taken up over the years (gym, pilates, language etc.) and don't have much motivation to do so. I'm very sensitive to things like crowds, noise and stressful situations and I avoid these as much as I can. When I do meet friends in the pub I'm fine after a drink but would be quietly suffering if I had to be in there sober.

The thought of a relationship makes me feel exhausted - having to get up and do things with someone, look a certain way, consider someone else in my daily decisions. I also value being able to make spontaneous decisions based on what I feel like doing in the moment e.g. I will go shopping today, I will go to visit my friend (pre-lockdown), I will stay in bed today.

I feel very trapped when I'm forced to go along with someone else. For example, on holidays with friends, I usually end up taking myself away from the group and spend a day exploring by myself. By the night, I am ready to enjoy interacting again. In situations where I can't take myself away (if there's nowhere to go for whatever reason), I feel tired, drained, frustrated and empty. I also greatly value my own space and privacy.

I feel like the above is why I've nipped any budding relationships in the bud - I just don't think I'm compatible with one. At the same time, I often find myself thinking how great it would be to have a relationship with someone I love who loves me back.

I don't know. What would you do if you were me? Would you just accept that you're probably going to spend the rest of your life single and the only romantic relationships you have will be in your head? Or would you make an effort to go on dates again (post-lockdown)? Just after your thoughts really!

@SauvignonGrower we live together on and off as he works away. Lockdown was interesting! I have spoken to him about it and he’s determined that it will work and he’s very happy to give me alone time. Everything else with us is brilliant so I wouldn’t dream of ending it over this so I’m just seeing how it’s going basically. Im not too worried as if it doesn’t work, I’ll be fine on my own and he’s a catch so would easily find someone else! Bit jaded maybe but am a realist!

OP I relate to several (though not all) of your descriptions of yourself. I was very "long-term single" before I met DP, I had casual flings but none of my half-arsed relationship attempts lasted long and I really, really liked my own space and being able to organise my own life.

There's nothing wrong with you, you're not weird or broken, and you don't need to change who you are to fit in with societal expectations. Maybe you'll meet someone who wants what you want out of a relationship, whose way of living fits with yours or who you naturally find yourself changing with. Or maybe you won't. Your life is valid either way.

Before I met DP I'd visualised being basically single for the rest of my life. I was OK with that. Even now I'd prefer being single to being in some abstract concept of a couple - as opposed to the concrete relationship I have with DP.

You don't have to choose between throwing yourself into the hell of today's dating scene and giving up completely though. Like you I'm an introvert - but I'm still social when I choose to be and I still enjoy meeting new people - friends, like-minded souls. So while my attempts at formal dating were always half-hearted at best, that didn't mean I was shut away becoming a hermit. I wasn't actively looking for a partner but new people were, and still are, always coming into my life - friends of friends, hobbies, my industry, etc. That's how I met and clicked, unexpectedly, with DP.