Myheadisamess

[Itstimetoquit]

I don't know where to start,I feel absolutely gutted,let down ECT to say the very least.im hoping that someone can advise me or maybe has been in a similar position (I hope not,I wouldn't wish how I feel on my worst enemy),,so I'll explain as simply as I can,I've been with my partner 12 years on and off,I found out a few months ago he had been dabbling in cocaine,I was horrified he told me it was a stupid mistake! Fast forward to Xmas I was buying all the presents for the kids ECT...I noticed that he wasn't offering to help with the cost,nor did he want to help or have any input into buying gifts,to cut a long story short he had £2000 paid into his bank 2 week before xmas and he also worked and was very well paid (the £2000 wasn't wages so he was getting his wage too) then on the 21st December we had a bit of a row about why he wasn't interested in Xmas,he ended up leaving that night,the day after he came back and said he had tbh the truth was he didn't have a penny,he had put 2k up his nose (cocaine),I made him leave.after a few days I got I'll go to councilling I'll see a Dr ECT,so he came back I told him he would have to do dailey drug tests(which he suggested) anyway I found out last night he's never stopped doing it I've kicked him out,but I feel terrible I feel like such a mug,if anyone has any advice I would much appreciate it

Move on. Tell him he doesn’t see the kids till he gets clean. If they are his kids then get a claim in against his money, less money with which to do drugstore then. Make sure he’s not taken money out with joint assets as the collateral.

The youngest one is his,it's my house and we don't have a joint bank

How are you a mug? He agreed to do something and then let you down and you have kicked him out. I think you are a woman of your word and a strong woman at that.

He has a serious problem and hopefully he will get the support and help he needs. Stay strong and focus on you and your children. You should be proud if yourself.

Sounds an awful lot like my brother. Unfortunately once they're at this stage they are going to lie to you and let you down. I know my brother has. They are addicts. Whatever you do, do not give him money, you will never see it again - as I have realised too late. I'm sorry you're in this position.

It's only know that I'm learning the truth,he's borrowed money from everyone,friends family ect

OP yes that sounds very familiar. He probably has an overdraft or credit cards too. Maybe even a pay day loan. I hope you are not financially connected to him - if I were you I would sever any financial connection to protect your own credit score.

I know it's hard and you want to help him but only they can help themselves. He will trot out the same old platitudes ("I'm sorry, it won't happen again, I'm not using anymore, I don't have any debts" etc) but they will most likely be lies. Then when he can't pay his dealers he will be asking you for money.

Protect yourself and your children.

I helped him when I 1st found out,and had him back on condition he did dailey drug tests(urine sample) which were all negative,then I found out he's been getting his sister's to pee on the tests,I feel like I've been betrayed by everyone! It's like they were all having a laugh at my expense,as I'm writing this,he's messaging to come back! I just want him to leave me alone

I'm not connected financially,I have found a letter stating he got a loan for 2k last year,I've heard all that before false promises lies ECT

My brother dipped his tests in water.

Honestly OP I would block him. When (if) he's got himself some help and he can prove he's been clean for six months or more, maybe you might change your mind. That's up to you. But right now he would say anything to win you over and you shouldn't trust him. Have a look at the Tough Love Facebook group and you can also seek help and support from Families Annonymous and Ad Fam. You can always message me too if you want to talk. Hugs x

My ex .. brief ish relationship but known him a good few years uses cocaine quite heavily. I do know he has had periods of non-use or maybe low use & during those times he's a great guy but when he's using it's a big deal.. anything around £1k a month or more .. nothing else matters except getting drugs. His personality changes he becomes arrogant & aggressive. 2 years ago his house was reprocessed even this wasn't his rock bottom.. He functions well still with a high powered job but away from that he is a sad shell of a man who is incapable of any emotional connection because of drugs. I have loved him even when we were just friends & it saddens me that he is like this & im utterly convinced his habit will kill him.
Unless your partner admits to his problem, wants to change & gets help I fear your future with this man will just be a rollercoaster.. if he can't stop himself for the love of his child then he's already in deep..

It's so sad... I despise the drug & what it does to people

The last couple of weeks have been hard,he's now living with his sister,he says he's got help for his addiction,then I start getting the messages I'm sorry I love you ECT,so I've blocked him on everything that might seem unfair as we have a child but I've made it clear he can't see his child until he is clean! No contact has made it so much easier,I just don't understand how anybody would loose there faonly,there home for drugs x

IME it takes much longer than a couple of weeks to 'get help'. I think you've done the right thing to protect yourself and your child, but I know that doesn't make it any easier. I'm sorry 😞

One thing I find useful is to remember I didn't cause their addition, I can't change it and I can't control it. That is on them x

I was with an addict for 10 years and it was hell, at the begining I wanted to believe everything he said, I loved him and hoped it was something he could control and just stop as we had children. However it escalated to him being violent when he didn't have money to use, he was out all the time, he lied constantly so that it messes with your head as you doubt everything that comes out of their mouths. He stole my money, broke into our home after I had kicked him out and stole the kids PlayStation games to sell. My kids saw him hit me, smash the house up, take drugs in front of them (I had no idea or would never have left them alone with him). I have since worked in rehabs and with prolific offenders and know that unless he has hit rock bottom and puts all his energy into changing his life style and gets support from others who have kicked the habit, he is unlikely to stop. Please don't be me, keep yourself and the children as your priority. He needs to get himself help away from you and your family, he has shown you he can't be trusted so believe that. 💐

I've stopped all contact,blocked him on everything,I know I maybe should leave some sort of communication open as we have a child together,before I blocked him I told him he can't be around child while he's using I also told him I was going to block him and stated if and when he ever gets clean he can then see child,I hate the fact he blames me for his drug using "You drove me to it" it hurts because all I've ever done is support him x

@dontknowwhyidoit, your right the amount of times I've caught him out lying,it has messed with my head so much x

Can you go to www.adfam.org.uk, this site has a list of support services that may be of help such as Al anon etc who have online support for families of addicts. You can speak to other people who are going through this and it may help you feel a bit stronger in your decision to keep him away.

@dontknowwhyidoit, I'll look into that,I've never felt like this in ok during the day but the evenings are awful I think I miss the company more than I miss him,having no one to talk too x

I hate the fact he blames me for his drug using "You drove me to it" it hurts because all I've ever done is support him x

He's still speaking in a way that shows he is nowhere near to accepting he has a problem, needs to own it and is willing to do the hard work to get over it. Nowhere near.

Stay strong, if you feel you may cave due to his ability to manipulate then look at your little one and remember he is priority over a grown man who has fucked his life up.

@youvegottenminuteslynn, I won't cave this time that is why I've gone no contact,my kids are my world! I don't think he's ready to get clean yet everyone he works with does coke,all his friends outside work and most of his family do it too,his family say I'm the one with the problem I should let him live his life,when I would catch him lying and say anything about it he would say you having a go at me makes me want coke

Stay strong you know you are doing the right thing and the fact his colleagues and family also do drugs shows it will be hard for him to get clean.

I don’t want to scaremonger but you know he is doing drugs, to let him back in would in the eyes of social care question where your priorities lay. They need to be with the children and their safety. Which is exactly what you are doing!

You have blocked all forms of contact but if he wishes he can contact you through a solicitor so don’t be made to feel bad that you have blocked him. The fact he seems to care little for seeing his child is an extension of the problem.

You are doing brilliantly in difficult circumstance and things will get easier in your home now a lying partner isn’t in it with you. Ensure you Change the locks and don’t be drawn into his family drama. Do you have family to support you?

I am single and the nights can be lonely but I try and fill them with things good for me such as exercise, keeping the house clean and tidy, phoning a friend, brother/sister or other family. This will also strengthen your support networks x

If his family are not supportive to you then you will have to go low contact with them as well as they will make it harder for you. The evenings initially can seem hard and long but go on mumsnet, start watching a series on TV, read a book and go to bed earlier. Having him back in your home is not better than how you are feeling right now. It gets easier, you can settle into a new routine with the kids. In the past my ex mum sided with him against me even though she had seen him hit me many times. I went into a refuge and she was OK with her grandson living in a house with strangers so that her son could stay in our house. When I eventually got back in the house, she broke in and took our TV, microwave and hifi as she said they were his. My response was to put our wardrobe and sofa outside in the garden and told her to come and get the rest of his things. Don't back down, how dare they try to blame you. He is manipulating them them as well and they go along with it as its easier than seeing him for who he really is.

He is not coming back here,this is my house I've took the key off of him we don't have any joint finances,his family thinks it's ok to do coke they all do it with him,one of them is pregnant and still doing coke,I've blocked all his family and friends,I don't want any of that in my life or my kids life's,his family were doing his drug tests for him x

I have quite a few things I would like to say on this subject as I haven't experienced exactly the same as such, but still have suspicions and others close to me, things I realised in the past year, is there any way of privately messaging on here?

Yes please message me x