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Original poster

Partner, kids, houses

43 replies

Ersa · 09/01/2021 16:54

Hi everyone
I'm just looking for some where to vent and maybe get some advice. I feel like I'm stuck and I don't know what to do.

Me and my partner have been together for nearly three years. We live an hour and a half away from each other in separate houses. He has two kids, and I have four. Lately, I have been wanting more from the relationship. I would like us to buy a new house together with all the kids. I would want us to do it gradually, so everybody can get used to the idea.
But my partner doesn't want to. He has his kids once in a week and every other weekend. He says he doesn't want to pick up his kids after school, bring them up here, and then drop them off for school the next day, which I can understand, that would be stressful, and also doesn't want to give up his day, which I also completely understand. He says he wants to wait until his kids have left home and then maybe get a house with me up here. I really don't want to force him into doing anything he doesn't want to do or interfere with the relationship he has with his kids, but am I being selfish for wanting to settle down and build a proper life together?
Thankyou

OP posts:
Orf1abc · 09/01/2021 16:59

You're not selfish to want to build a life together, but you are to not make his kids part of the plan, and that's what you're doing if you expect him to move to your area. You need to find something that works for all the children, and unfortunately that might be waiting until they are older.

litterbird · 09/01/2021 17:03

Your partner has been open and honest about the situation. Having 6 children and 2 adults in a blended family is a big ask. Your partner is being sensible and is asking for you to wait until they are old enough to live independently. Very sensible indeed. How old are all the children? Its not as if he is saying a definite no to everything, he is just looking at the best option for his children, your children and your relationship. For what I read on MN blended families can be quite a challenge and 6 children together will be a bigger challenge. You need to look at to whether you can wait that long to be together. Its obviously working ok for now?

HappyFlamingo · 09/01/2021 17:07

You are both being completely reasonable, but unfortunately your scenarios don't match each other's. No one is in the wrong here, but his plans get to 'trump' yours because yours is the one that requires a change to the status quo and you can't force that to happen.

HappyFlamingo · 09/01/2021 17:08

How old are his kids? How long will you have to wait? You have to decide if he's worth it or not!

Original poster
Ersa · 09/01/2021 17:08

I want to make his children part of the plan, I want them here, but I understand it's not all about me and what I think is best. But I'm ready to settle and I want to build a life together, share a house, buy furniture that's ours, sleep in a bed that's ours. He mentioned us having a baby together, but I couldn't do that, as the baby, him as the father and siblings would be split and I wouldn't want that, I would a good relationship for them all.

OP posts:
Lemonpiano · 09/01/2021 17:09

How old are the children?

It's understandable to wish you could live together, but it doesn't sound realistic.

Original poster
Ersa · 09/01/2021 17:12

I dont think he is being unreasonable at all. But he's making me feel like what I want is selfish. I think we have different paths to go down, as we both want different things.

OP posts:
negomi90 · 09/01/2021 17:13

Neither of you are being selfish. But him moving that far away from the kids will make things harder and not be in their best interest. It will affect the day in the week he has them, it will also affect things into their teens. They won't be able to come to his if they have social plans or they will resent missing those plans to go to his. Staying local means they can see friends/go out from his.

Original poster
Ersa · 09/01/2021 17:14

His children are 11 and 8. Mine are 15, 8 and twins that are 7.

OP posts:
HappyFlamingo · 09/01/2021 17:14

It may also be that he doesn't want to live full time with your four kids, but doesn't want to hurt your feelings by saying that. How often do they go to their dad's?

seensome · 09/01/2021 17:15

You both want a different way of life, if settling down is what you want then it not with him.

Original poster
Ersa · 09/01/2021 17:17

He has a very good relationship with all my children, they love him to pieces. He's very good with them. When he's not here my kids ask where is and get sad when hes gone.

OP posts:
HappyFlamingo · 09/01/2021 17:21

Don't have a baby with him OP! How can he think that's a good idea while he's living an hour and a half away?

Original poster
Ersa · 09/01/2021 17:23

I have told him that having a baby with our living arrangements wouldn't be fair on anybody.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ersa · 09/01/2021 17:27

Thank you for all of your insights.

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 09/01/2021 17:27

So you were suggesting he move an hour and a half away from his kids, so you don't have to disrupt your life at all? Tbh that is pretty selfish. Why not a midpoint?

Also, isn't 6 kids enough!? Why add a baby to this?

Original poster
Ersa · 09/01/2021 17:34

I would move mid point, I have discussed that with him. We love all the kids and parent pretty well with them all. That isn't the problem. In October last year, we discussed it and he agreed to move, even went as far to tell his kids that he would be selling the house. It just fizzled out and he stopped mentioning it.

OP posts:
Wheelyyyy · 09/01/2021 17:36

A mid point may be an option.

Have u asked where his head is with that?

Ohalrightthen · 09/01/2021 17:48

@Ersa

I would move mid point, I have discussed that with him. We love all the kids and parent pretty well with them all. That isn't the problem. In October last year, we discussed it and he agreed to move, even went as far to tell his kids that he would be selling the house. It just fizzled out and he stopped mentioning it.
Have you asked why?
Maca07166 · 09/01/2021 17:56

As a father who lives only a 10min drive from my kids it would never be an option that I move away and remove that element of me phoning my kids on a whim and asking if they wanted to come out with me.

LatentPhase · 09/01/2021 18:14

It sounds like he got cold feet about this, have you explored it?

Original poster
Ersa · 09/01/2021 18:50

My partner lives half an hour away from his children, his ex wouldn't allow him to come round randomly and pick up the kids. I'm going to sit down with him tonight and talk about everything, see where we go from there.

OP posts:
hadesinahalfahell · 09/01/2021 18:50

He sounded reasonable until you said that he had suggested having a baby with you but still not moving in with you Confused

MixMatch · 09/01/2021 18:50

@Maca07166

As a father who lives only a 10min drive from my kids it would never be an option that I move away and remove that element of me phoning my kids on a whim and asking if they wanted to come out with me.
Exactly.

Good on him for re-thinking things and putting his own children first. For any good father, they'll naturally be his first priority over the OP. No matter how good he is with the OP's children (and it's great they all get on), he's not their father and never will be.

Also if I were his kids, there's no way I would want to be sharing the already limited time I have with my own dad, with his girlfriend and her 4 kids i.e. a family that is not mine. These are precious childhood years and it's understandable that he wants to be close to where they are most of the time i.e. at their mother's. As the kids reach teenage years they will naturally choose how they want to split their time between their two parents and it's much better for them all to be living near each other.

EvelynBeatrice · 09/01/2021 18:56

I’m sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Using this forum for venting and sympathy makes sense. However, you won’t get the legal advice which is what you need here, anymore than you would get reliable medical advice/ diagnosis of a medical issue here! The best thing you can do is take legal advice from a specialist in family law as soon as possible. Word of mouth recommendations are best.