Partner, kids, houses

[Ersa]

Hi everyone
I'm just looking for some where to vent and maybe get some advice. I feel like I'm stuck and I don't know what to do.

Me and my partner have been together for nearly three years. We live an hour and a half away from each other in separate houses. He has two kids, and I have four. Lately, I have been wanting more from the relationship. I would like us to buy a new house together with all the kids. I would want us to do it gradually, so everybody can get used to the idea.
But my partner doesn't want to. He has his kids once in a week and every other weekend. He says he doesn't want to pick up his kids after school, bring them up here, and then drop them off for school the next day, which I can understand, that would be stressful, and also doesn't want to give up his day, which I also completely understand. He says he wants to wait until his kids have left home and then maybe get a house with me up here. I really don't want to force him into doing anything he doesn't want to do or interfere with the relationship he has with his kids, but am I being selfish for wanting to settle down and build a proper life together?
Thankyou

Sorry wrong thread - apologies

How much contact do your kids have with their father? If none, have you considered moving to where he lives?

I grew up myself in a step family. My dad got remarried. I knew my dad did everything to give us what we needed, but my stepmother never accepted us. I would never do that because I know how that feels, and wouldn't want to. It wasn't about that my dad got remarried and staying in another house, but I also understand that his children have their own way on how they would feel about it and would never force them if they didn't want to.

Yeah my children have regular contact and we have a good relationship for the kids

I think you have rose tinted spectacles on !

A blended family, six kids in one house, two kids pissed off that they now share a house with four other kids and don't see their dad by himself. Zero time to spend together as a couple.

A sure fire way to kill your relationship stone dead.

IMO.

So you have six children between you and are considering a seventh.

🙄

What is the impact on your children of moving mid way? Especially the teen? What about the access to their Dad?

I understand why you feel the need to move on but both of you are parents and the duty is to the children first. With so many children, at relatively young ages, I can't see how it can work

I think he is being very sensible and more importantly realistic. The dream of 6 or maybe 7 children living in a house, new area away from what they know could quickly turn into a nightmare.

You have to decide if you can accept that the children come first and your needs are lower down If not find someone who you can live together with.

Yes, I think it's clear to see that all of us moving in would be the wrong choice, but never would I have forced anybody in anyway, and I didn't suggest a baby, he did and I said it would be unfair. He also suggested to sell the house and told his kids last year, which has confused me. I have seen some of my friends in blended families and it works for them, so people do make different choices. I just came here to vent and get some clarity.

Sorry to hear that you're grappling with this situation - very tricky indeed. You say that lately you've been wanting more from the relationship - has this been a natural evolution or something different to how you'd both seen the future during your first couple of years together? A sudden swerve might explain his wobbliness. Has it now become a deal-breaker for you or could you maintain the status quo till all kids are grown? If not, why not? Are the practicalities becoming tiresome? Remember that blending is likely to bring different and potentially even more challenging circs.

That said, I admire your clear-sightedness in wanting to pitch in together. There's been a lot of recent talk about the benefits of Living Apart Together - of which there are many, but it's crucial that both partners are on the same page, and share the same timescale. Throw kids, school, exes etc into the equation and it can be extremely challenging.

I hope your talk was useful tonight. Good luck.

This sounds very much driven by what you want, not by what is best for the children. Moving them into a "blended family" at these ages would be very disruptive to the stability of their home life and emotional wellbeing. Moving either his or your children to a mid point between you away from friends and possibly to new schools would likely be very disruptive socially and or educationally. Throwing a newborn baby into the mix as well would be madness. Put your children first, keep their home lives stable and see you partner at his house or yours until your children are all adults. I think your partner is being sensible and a responsible father.

You're right to tell him having a baby in this situation is ridiculous though. Surely between you, you have enough children already.

I think a halfway move might work but the kids seem very young for a disruption in their lives. I think with 6 kids between you another would be madness!!!!!

You have different priorities on a fundamental level. He is happy to play happy families but very resistant, to blending them. Him suggesting having a child together in the current situation, says an awful lot and demonstrates how far apart your expectations are.

Blending families is a big commitment and it can not happen, well not successfully, if you are not both equally as invested and he isn’t.

He doesn’t want to live with you and your children full time because he has embraced part time fatherhood. Even if you were to have a child together, it would be on the understanding that you would be the full time parent. His commitment to you and your children is for the right now, the possibility of you living together in seven years or longer, is a cheque that he is happy to write but not pay out on. If you want more than that, then he isn’t the guy.

I understand you have invested a lot in this guy but the brutal truth is, you have very different ideas of how your futures as a family looks like.

How often do you see him at the moment OP? I can see why as an adult this situation is hard, you want to live with your partner, lockdown can't be helping either.

I know of couples who have spent 8+ years living apart as you do, with an hour plus travel between them. It can work but only if you're happy with it. I am also wondering why he has backtracked on previously agreed plans.

So he wants to lock you in by getting you pregnant but not actually live with the baby and parent it?

What a prince. I suspect his reluctance to move in is to do with not wanting to live with 4 kids, rather than prioritising his own, as the fact he's willing to randomly make another speaks volumes about him as a parent

@Ersa

My partner lives half an hour away from his children, his ex wouldn't allow him to come round randomly and pick up the kids. I'm going to sit down with him tonight and talk about everything, see where we go from there.

When they're a few years older, she really won't have that option (of 'not allowing' then to be free agents). That needs to be factored in, too.

The baby idea - which on the surface sounds nuts - was that suggested before he got cold feet about selling his house and it all just fizzled out?

I think it's the fizzling that's your issue here.

But for pity's sake don't get pregnant.

Another child?
Terrible idea imo

I'm in the same boat, slightly less distance and no kids to consider but going nowhere.
Having been in relationships where it will just flow.. Sometimes that tells you something