hit a wall with OLD but really want to meet someone

[yellowhighheels]

Hi everyone,

Just a moan if you don't mind!

I've posted about dating on here before but after a string of shitty experiences plus a LOT of completely lacklustre online dates, I just can't do this anymore. I am done.

I have tried to keep chatting to people online through lockdown but now deleted my apps.

I have had to block one man who told me, a propos of nothing, all about his ex's contraception and all the occasions he experienced condoms breaking, and one who kept sending memes to the tune of 'all women drink prosecco uncontrollably' and told me he was thinking of trying to do nude cam work. I didn't even know that was a thing for 44 year old men.

I would really like any advice on how to meet someone especially now as I would love a family but am mid 30s and lockdown is making it so hard.

in 3 years of OLD I have had a number of short flings and 'situationships' however only felt a spark with maybe 2 or 3. One ghosted. One broke things off due to distance (tbh I'm glad with hindsight) and one pretty much sexually assaulted me.

That is after a number of seemingly nice men who were sex obsessed and several who tried to push me into sex or did weird things- one ejaculated on himself during a date, one sat there insulting me until I walked out, plus the gropers. These are men with proper jobs who can hold a conversation and behave when they need to, not flashers who hang around parks.

One I saw for a while but it was totally on his terms, I could not go to his house or meet his friends due to his culture. Definitely not married.

I just feel completely devalued by the whole thing. I try and pick men who seem nice and have their lives in order and am a good judge of character so don't actually get into relationships with men who aren't nice, I just seem to meet so many unsuitable ones.

One who did love me and I considered as he was kind etc ruined it because he refused to improve his dress or hygiene and constantly smelled and wore worn out, scruffy clothes (he had enough money and it was not in an outdoorsy sort of way, just simply filthy. I don't think he was depressed). It felt so disrespectful that a man would pursue me and not bother to not smell of old sweat and pee.

There have also been many dates that were just not quite right.

I am applying to retrain in a new career which would make having a child alone extremely difficult however a family is a priority too.

Sorry to moan but I have always had nice longterm boyfriends until 3 years ago, I never imagined I would maybe never meet the right man for a family.

Does anyone have any ideas? I have one i have been chatting with since lockdown who feels like he might be on a wavelength and got to know as penfriends but just not had chance to meet, maybe I could look to meet him when I can.

I've used a variety of unpaid sites, is there really a difference with paid ones? the men I meet all claim they want a relationship when I ask prior to meeting, not just sex, so I just don't know what I am doing wrong.

I know lockdown makes it harder but I don't have forever. I work, study, have interests and a decent number of friends.

I do sometimes wonder about the ghoster. We seemed to really get on and he seemed lovely. He was going through a very hard time. We planned a 3rd date but it sort of fizzled but in hindsight maybe i should have been more proactive. Has anyone ever got back in touch successfully in this sort of situation? I know ghosting was a dick move but I can't quite forget that one. Last heard a year ago. I know it's ridiculous.

I'm not convinced that the men on those websites actually want a long term relationship to be honest. Meeting men in real life probably more promising

I just feel completely devalued by the whole thing

Why do you feel that these men reduce your value? If you're considering going back to a ghoster, you have self esteem issues. Wait until after lockdown to meet someone. Meet them by doing things you love, in groups, with strangers (like classes or arranged walks or adventure holidays or reading groups or... etc) Use lockdown to sort out the way you view yourself. Work out why you are still considering doing something even though 'I know it's ridiculous' is what you think of it.

Maybe it's worth considering a match-matching service instead or asking friends and family to set you up?

Eckhart Well, I just feel as though they're functioning members of society with past relationships so they can't treat all women the way they have me (I don't mean the ones that just weren't a good match, I mean the ones who behave weirdly). I know its probably not correct but it makes me feel as though I must bring the inappropriate side out of them somehow.

You're right about the ghoster, the only reason that in low moments I consider texting him again is that we got on very well indeed. Obv it could have been bollocks, he might just have a likeable personality or been mirroring me but we met twice and talked all night both times. I haven't really had that with any others i have dated this time around. Tbh I kind of let it go with him, thinking that if he was keen I wouldn't need to push (true) but could probably have done more myself to stay in touch.

With the experiences you've had, can you see if there was a point where you should have bailed earlier? I mean, it seems bizarre situations for it to have got to the point of a guy to be ejaculating or sitting through a stream of insults or put up with being a secret. Maybe you're overlooking initial red flags and should actually have a quicker exit button?

I think this might have some truth. The insulter, I left after about 15 mins, and the ejaculater, it was quite normal until he started being handsy then all of a sudden had done that. That part of the date was over in minutes.

The guy who I couldn't go to his house, I definitely let that go on longer than it needed to, he was kind to me when I was unwell, it was just 100% on his terms and off his territory.

But yes, I think I do definitely try and give people a chance on a date as I've been getting so fatigued by it all and by that point have made the effort to chat and meet where in some of the cases I should have cut it short at just one drink and left.

I am definitely guilty of being polite and trying to normalise situations before. One man who was pleasant met me for a date in summer. After some preliminary chat, he got down to the subject of his recent ex and how heartbroken he was (he hadn't mentioned this during online convo). I should have just said 'all the best' and left but spent the evening letting him talk it out with me as though I was some sort of samaritan. He was a totally harmless example but I shouldn't have wasted my evening once I established he wasn't ready to date.

I met my DH on match and know several couples who have. Someone had told me that if potential partners are paying a website to meet someone, then the chance of them being there is more genuine. This compared to boredom/ peer pressure downloading a free app so they can pass a few hours.
That said, there were still time wasters and weirdos, but not quite as many.x

I would try a paid website-it shows more commitment somehow. But don’t give up whilst also not seeing it as the be all and end all (easy for me to say). Pretty much all of my friends met their partners on old so there are good men out there.

I find it terrifying how many men are complete arseholes.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I find it terrifying how many men are complete arseholes.

So true. I am not a person with a low bar, so it's not like I was asking to be treated badly, but the LIES on line. Men who love bomb you for three dates then ghost you, men who say they're available but they're not, men who dump you when you won't be their free prostitute and act out some bullshit in underwear they've already ordered, and ordered perhaps before you'd been on the second date.

Before OLD I was a content, confident optimistic, caring person who thought the best of people and enjoyed others' company, I trusted myself to only bring good people in to my life.

After 3 to 4 years of OLD I was full of hurt, self-doubt, resentments, I felt defeated, and I didn't trust myself anymore.

I gave myself a long break to build myself back up.

I've decided to work on being braver so that I can go and do things on my own (post covid, when my youngest is a bit older) and resonate on a much happier frequency.

@superram

I would try a paid website-it shows more commitment somehow. But don’t give up whilst also not seeing it as the be all and end all (easy for me to say). Pretty much all of my friends met their partners on old so there are good men out there.

I feel that these men were more entitled to a much younger woman! I went on a date with a pilot on a paid site and he was extremely condescending and dismissive to me. I didn't want to see him again but he raced home to delete me (first). Shudder. He coughed his way through the date like he was dying and when I said ''is that asthma?'' he said he couldn't fly if it was asthma. Oh boy. He also moved himself to tears with some of his own stories that cast him in a good light,the hero of all of his own stories. He was in my top five bad taste in my mouth dates!!

I find it terrifying how many men are complete arseholes.

This.

The ghosters are the hardest to deal with. You don't know why they ghosted you so you have to make up a reason and it's always your biggest insecurity.

I have a healthy enough self-esteem but there is no doubt that years of OLD will take its toll.

I had to step back. So glad I did, but then, I have DC, I do not know what I'd do if I were in my mid 30s wanting to have a dc.

wiseowl what a knob. so many of these self satisfied legends about too. that was mr Insulting. terribly proud of his well paying job, happy to openly demean my less well paid but useful work

and timing is the problem really, I'd be happy to take a longer break but simply don't have the time now. ice joined a paid site. usefully it lets me see what their preferences are too

I paid for match and met somebody love on there. Know people who used e-harmony too and met people

It isn’t you. I don’t know anyone single (myself included) who’s having any luck on dating apps.

@yellowhighheels

Eckhart Well, I just feel as though they're functioning members of society with past relationships so they can't treat all women the way they have me (I don't mean the ones that just weren't a good match, I mean the ones who behave weirdly). I know its probably not correct but it makes me feel as though I must bring the inappropriate side out of them somehow.

You're right about the ghoster, the only reason that in low moments I consider texting him again is that we got on very well indeed. Obv it could have been bollocks, he might just have a likeable personality or been mirroring me but we met twice and talked all night both times. I haven't really had that with any others i have dated this time around. Tbh I kind of let it go with him, thinking that if he was keen I wouldn't need to push (true) but could probably have done more myself to stay in touch.

I wonder why you think that 'behaving well in relationships' and 'being functional members of society' go hand in hand?

Abusers and psychopaths hold down successful jobs, have children and partners, donate to charity, run marathons, play in orchestras, host dinner parties.

How do you think you have the power to bring out the inappropriate in somebody? That's like a reverse ego thing. Have a think about how hard somebody would have to work to bring out the inappropriate in you. I mean, we can all behave inappropriately, but for most decent people, it takes a fair amount of boundary-pushing before it starts to show.

The fact is, in the nicest possible way, there is nothing special about you. There will be lovely things about you, obviously. But what makes you think that you have the special power to bring out the crap side of these otherwise beautiful men?

It sounds a bit old fashioned but having read a lot of these kind of threads I feel that there really is a need for a more personalised service.

In my fantasy (!) you go and meet the owner to have a big chat and she thinks to herself oh yes, you would suit Geoffrey (who is on her books) and she fixes you up .

Yes you would pay for it, quite a lot, but it would be worth it for so many people. I would set it up if I had the nerve.

Do these organisations exist?

There have also been many dates that were just not quite right.

OP, this stood out for me. I wonder if it might be worth delving into a little deeper? As a PP said, could it be you might be subconciously overlooking red flags - and at the same time, for some reason,, those who lack of those red flags don't create a "spark"? Admittedly, not sure what you mean by "not quite right" though.

I know so many people who met their partner on Match so I'd recommend that.
It's just a numbers game. You have to believe in your worth and just keep on trying.

Some thoughts on men in general from my dating days.

In most of my normal life the men seemed balanced and relatively good chaps. I then started dating relatively late in life.

I came to the following conclusions:

Men really are different. The sex drive is so pervasive (not all men - this goes without saying) that it literally drives then towards inhumane behaviour. There are those who are completely un-self-aware and push ahead with their distorted and morbid agenda on women, who are barely people to them. Then there are those who have some self-awareness and manage to keep a lid on the morbidity to some extent - but have a secret double life. This generally turns them into porn freaks, sneaks and liars.

Then of course there are men with well integrated sexualities and others whose sexuality is subordinate to other needs (Good: affection, friendship / Bad: Control, power, etc).

I had a period where I was on testosterone to see if it had any affect on my migraines many years back. it didn't, but boy my sex drive went up and my orgasms tripled in power - christ! is this what it's like for men? I thought. I also became argumentative and got in trouble at work which I do blame partly on this treatment - which I stopped obvs.

The second factor is the maternal projection thing. That mother son thing is a weird and complex story. Many mothers who, out of love, do everything for their sons and ask nothing for themselves inadvertently create selfish men who default expect utter tolerance from every woman they get involved with. They don't see, or never come to realise, that their mother is actually a separate autonomous human being and therefore do not fully emotionally comprehend this with women in general.

I actually think we should have a more complex and humane dialogue about men and the way they are wired instead of just calling them creeps and expecting 'self control'. Mainly because it doesn't change anything.

But it's true a lot of them are fuck ups. I don't bother with OLD anymore.

Moaning here too and wish I knew the answer.

Been doing it a while and I'm very picky who I talk to. Still been ghosted, and find a high number of dismissive avoidance types. I did meet someone normal from match but I just wasn't into him.

Pof is the worst I've experienced.

Hi op, I firmly believe it's a numbers game out there but what ive learnt is to really try and recognise red flags early on plus some deal breakers too. Once I started doing that, it made the process easier. I went on 9 dates in 3 years, and ended up with that 9th person now. My best friend went on about 3 dates a week and got married last year to one. My dealbreakers/flags were alcohol issues plus regular communication. I think you should set the bar as high as you want and if you want q family, say so early on. Everyone is on the free sites so I wouldn't bother paying. Join the dating threads on here and share thoughts and stories, they are all very supportive.

I feel your pain. I have to dip in and out as more than a month or so online makes me feel low.

I managed one month on OLD, never ever again, full of weirdos and yes it is a paid for site.

I tried Match, which definitely has a better type of person, but still full of weirdo's. Managed two dates, both looked much older in real life than pictures (shallow I know) Both seemed to be gentlemen, but zero spark with either.

A break will do you good, maybe speak with friends and see if they know anyone they could introduce you too?