Am I being unfair to my in laws about house move?

[Lass67]

So I’ve name changed for this, as locations very outing- hence also why I’ve not posted in AIBU...
I’ll try keep brief.

DH and I live in North Leeds. His parents live in South Leeds. We had a few wobbles between Us and PIL mainly brought up by his brother, who lives in Huddersfield with his partner, but have generally got on quite well. MIL has admitted she gets on better with us than with them. PIL can be demanding in terms of how much we see them; pre pandemic DH had a big argument with his mum who said ‘ I miss you and don’t know why you don’t want to see us’ when we actually would see them every few weeks. During pandemic things are ok, in regular contact and seeing when possible, I do have quite a bit of affection for my PIL even if they drives me batty sometimes.

Now PIL have decided they want to downsize
. Initially talking about moving to north Leeds (which we were on board with) but then realised how much they could get for their money in Huddersfield. They are selling and moving west of there.

That is fine- it’s their life and I can imagine paying off mortgage and having spare money will make things easier. It’s going to be hard in some ways though as although my MIL will give up work my FIL will still be working in castleford so it’s going to be a commute but that’s his decision. Also a lot fewer facilities when MIL loves to shop but that’s not my business. What is worrying me is how they are talking about future grandkids.

My MIL is insisting she will be doing regular childcare for us in the future. We are TTC but they don’t know that. My MIL has no plans beyond looking after grandkids that don’t exist yet. She works at the moment but would have to give up that job as she couldn’t commute. She doesn’t drive, and to get to us would be a 2 hour trip on public transport one way. Even in the car in normal traffic it’s going to be a pain in the arse to get there- we couldnt drop off and get back as that would take over 90 minutes too. She suggested we leave future children with them for half the week, and seemed genuinely disappointed and like I’d dashed her plans when I laughed assuming she was joking. They keep saying how future grandkids will love the area etc. .In My head I’m thinking a) lay off, we don’t even have any children yet and I’m a bit sensitive TTC now b) in reality we are going to be once a month visitors- in north Leeds we have loads of amazing stuff for kids to do on our doorstep and whilst we will still see his mum and dad regularly I’m not going up and down the M62 to please PIL

What I’m afraid of is constant demanding calls and texts asking why we don’t love them and want to see them and why we won’t bring their grandbabies to them. I just don’t know if I can do or say anything now to pre empt this. I did send them a link to a house nearer us that ticked all their boxes but they said there wasn’t a train station so it didn’t suit them.

That sounds really annoying.

Maybe next time MIL mentions childcare you could say "gosh that's kind of you. Wouldn't it take you hours to get here on the train/bus though?". Then feign surprise if she suggests you go to her ("oh no, that length car journey would make getting to and from work a nightmare! Such a shame you chose to move further away... nevermind, there's a lovely local nursery here! No hard feelings from us.").

Every time they complain about not seeing as much of you, just put the onous back on them... "yes we do miss you since you decided to move away and it's a shame we can't see you as much. But we're happy you found somewhere you love to live anyway!".

West of Huddersfield to Castleford is a nasty section of the M62, with bad traffic. Get them to use Google Maps to give them directions from the new house to your FILs office and see what the journey time is to arrive at his starting time and set off home at his finishing time. Multiply by at least 1.5 to allow for post-lockdown traffic. That's the base line for his commute. Then bear in mind that the bit between Chain Bar and the M606 has terrible jams, and when it goes wrong it goes really wrong and he could be sitting in it for hours.

Have they looked at Morley or Tingley, or even Rothwell and Wakefield?

Honestly if that’s her attitude you will probably be glad of the distance
I notice you have really said if you actually want MIL to do childcare. If not, then make that clear now. You can do it nicely by saying that you want them to enjoy their role as grandparents and not have it be a chore.
As far as doing frequent visits, they will just have to accept that if they live far away then visits will be less frequent. They can still have a close relationship though. Are there places you can meet in between?

Your MIL is absurd. The solution to this is to shut this shit down immediately, every time. "That won't be happening" and repeat as necessary. If you get fed up, stop communicating with her and tell your husband to put her in her place. It's all about boundaries, op. Don't feed her delusions.

When your BiL and partner have children, she will be ideally placed to offer childcare to them. I would emphasise that! Mention frequently that should DC be part of your future, you would always make sure you had financial capacity for nursery fees.
TBH MIL sounds like she is trying desperately to convince herself that the move is a sensible choice. Do not give her false hopes of daily childcare (and I would breathe a sigh of relief if I were you).

Your mil sounds absolutely nuts!!

Tell her you’ll speak about it once you have kids or better yet tell her to wise up expecting you to commute that distance. You’ll not have the time once you’ve got kids and it would cost a fortune in fuel. And seriously if she can suggest you give her your child half the week and mean it before the grandkids have been born - this mil will be a future nightmare!!!

@ThatLibraryMiss

West of Huddersfield to Castleford is a nasty section of the M62, with bad traffic. Get them to use Google Maps to give them directions from the new house to your FILs office and see what the journey time is to arrive at his starting time and set off home at his finishing time. Multiply by at least 1.5 to allow for post-lockdown traffic. That's the base line for his commute. Then bear in mind that the bit between Chain Bar and the M606 has terrible jams, and when it goes wrong it goes really wrong and he could be sitting in it for hours.

Have they looked at Morley or Tingley, or even Rothwell and Wakefield?

They live in Morley now!

Honestly I know how bad it can be - I used to commute along the M62 when I worked for a brief period in Manchester and once it took me FIVE hours one way when there was an accident.

FIL is insisting it's 30 minutes when it's 45 in no traffic...honestly sometimes they seem wilfully ignorant. I know they aren't moving hours away but I do feel it limits meeting to weekends only and we are not spending every weekend there.

Your DH needs to be straight with them - if you're moving to X that's a X minute drive in best conditions, we won't be making it to you more than once an X, you're obv welcome to come to us. Any future children won't be living elsewhere half the week because they're out children. We can discuss sleepovers when they're old enough to ask but right now we don't even have any so I'm not discussing it.

@Rainbowqueeen

Honestly if that’s her attitude you will probably be glad of the distance I notice you have really said if you actually want MIL to do childcare. If not, then make that clear now. You can do it nicely by saying that you want them to enjoy their role as grandparents and not have it be a chore. As far as doing frequent visits, they will just have to accept that if they live far away then visits will be less frequent. They can still have a close relationship though. Are there places you can meet in between?

I was actually relatively keen on them moving to North Leeds as I thought it would facilitate a 'little and often' approach. However they have quite dated views on some areas of North Leeds (basically a hangover from days of the Ripper) and were shocked at the house prices!

I'm looking at Eureka in Halifax the children's museum, looking for other things. She will still have to travel but not quite as far.

This is what I mean though when I say it will be more of a case of a whole day out to see them rather than a 'pop in' for tea and cake.

I would have definitely had MIL do 1-2 days a week childcare if she had wanted.

@Peakypolly

When your BiL and partner have children, she will be ideally placed to offer childcare to them. I would emphasise that! Mention frequently that should DC be part of your future, you would always make sure you had financial capacity for nursery fees. TBH MIL sounds like she is trying desperately to convince herself that the move is a sensible choice. Do not give her false hopes of daily childcare (and I would breathe a sigh of relief if I were you).

Ah see this is a problem... Brother is undecided on kids in future- I have responded suggesting BIL before and then got told that’s not a safe bet!

I think you’re right about trying to convince themselves. I feel (but could be wrong) that they have been totally seduced by the idea of mortgage free and cash lump sum that they’ve glossing over the reality of then living in that area. There is absolutely nothing wrong with where they want to move to, it’s nice enough, but there’s also not a lot to recommend it either.

They were telling us how there is a playing field for future grandkids over the road from house...we live within a mile and a half of one of the biggest parks in the country with its own exotic zoo...we just would never go there if they didn’t live there.

Mil sounds annoying, I would not be happy with her just announcing she’s doing childcare of the grandchildren like that. Ask her if she’s planning on learning to drive as well because it’s a 2 hour bus journey away and make it clear you’re not driving there every day. Sounds like you need to establish some proper boundaries

I think you need to proactively have one frank conversation with them about how this game would be in terms of visits pre children and later down the line in terms of childcare.

Do it before they move and also tell them that in your experience the commute is a nightmare but if they live the area and the house then you’ll love it for them too but it doesn’t change the first big and you won’t bring it up again.

It’s up to them what they ultimately decide but at least it can never be said that they didn’t have all the facts or have them say that you should have said something earlier

It needs a frank conversation I agree, also need to ensure your DH backs you up on this 100% so they don't try to go behind your back and try emotional pressure.

I live in your area and what your mil is suggesting is beyond crazy. Tell her you need to speak to them and lay your cards on the table. She certainly doesn’t seem to have a problem telling you her wants and needs. It’s better than them moving and then admitting they’ve made a huge mistake.

I think you are best to point out the time frames, with a "even if I got pregnant now, it would be over a year and half by the time id had the baby and was returning to work so needing childcare." In that time, she will have had to build friends, a lifestyle. You could also breezily add comments like "im not ruling out being a stay at home mum." Or "of course any childcare would have to be local once they got to 3 and needed someone who could take them to and from preschool, so from the end of maternity leave to that is only 2 years, less if the preschool will take them at 2.5."

Could you get dh to suggest to his parents the idea of renting out their house and renting a place near where they are thinking of moving to, to see if they like living there?

The reality of trying to make a new friendship network from scratch might hit them.

If this is what they're like pre-grandchildren, I can guarantee you won't want them near you when you have children.

They live in Morley now!
So they don't see the worst of the holdups, from Tingley Roundabout to Ainley Top.

FIL is insisting it's 30 minutes
Google says otherwise. IDK where "west of Huddersfield" is so I chose Golcar.

You can see historical traffic reports for the M62 here. And he needn't think he'll be able to leave the motorway at Elland and go through Dewsbury and Wakefield to avoid it, because every other driver will have the same thought and every road in the area will be gridlocked.

@peak2021

It needs a frank conversation I agree, also need to ensure your DH backs you up on this 100% so they don't try to go behind your back and try emotional pressure.

DH and I are in agreement, however he doesn’t think we should have a conversation as it will seem too confrontational...

He said if they bring up the half a week thing again he will say something as it has been said twice. I said ‘ when the time comes we will have to look up nurseries as you won’t be able to do childcare in the week now’ and in response MIL said she would get the bus and train if we would t do the half a week thing

Be careful. Mil might decide its easier to stay with you....

I wouldn’t say anything now, let them move. It’s their decision anyways and from the sounds of it some distance if you have a baby would be a good thing.

I wouldn’t discuss any future childcare now either. Shut that down with DH and I will cross that bridge when we come to it.

When my friend was 3 months with her first, her MIL expected the baby to get dropped off with her Sunday night and collected Friday night! Crazy!

Ha ! We moved to Huddersfield for a commute into Leeds as it's not far on the map many years ago ..... even knowing all the shortcuts it took twice as long as we thought.

Id sit down with them and tell them about how it won't work for childcare - better knowing now and let them decide their priorities

I live in Huddersfield and there is plenty to do with kids so don’t worry about it from that point of view but the commute won’t be great.
Huddersfield to Leeds is ok, the train is direct and doesn’t take long and the drive from Jn24 of The M62 to Leeds Centre is ok. However, getting across Leeds and out to North Leeds can be awful. In fact it has taken me as long to get from Central to North Leeds as long as it took to get to Leeds from Huddersfield in the first place.
You’ve told them OP, they can move where they want and depending on where they go exactly they will get a lot more house for their money and still in a nice area but if they isn’t see you as much as they would like then it’s tough isn’t it?

Seems like money has confused some of their senses......
they're getting older and need to ensure that their new house/area will be suitable for their ageing years too - especially when it comes to facilities, GP's, transport links etc.

Does FIL see himself doing a long commute until he retires? I wouldn't.
MIL seems to have decided that she will be a 'lady of leisure' - which is her choice.....however.....she's muscling in on your children to the point where she wants to have them 50/50...and they've not even been conceived let alone born yet!

She's had her turn at being a parent - don't let her live out her fantasies through your future motherhood....or set an expectation of a precedent.

I'd shut that convo down asap - and tell her she needs to find herself hobbies/friends/job to occupy her time until retirement.

Any MIL even suggesting her DIL would want to drop off their child for half a week sounds utterly batshit.

She has reared her family.

Let them move, sounds like it will be more peaceful.

Never underestimate how tiring it is working and juggling childcare every week.
It's a really shock to the system.
Highly unlikely after a busy week that you will want to pack up every Saturday to visit them.
Far more likely you'll want to relax and enjoy your baby after a really hectic week.

It's up to your husband to spell this all out to them.
Leave him to it.
If he can't be bothered then it's on HIM.

I suspect that they are well aware that they are going to be much closer to bil, and that they will not be able to provide childcare for you, but have made peace with it - they obviously love your bil, house prices etc.

But they feel guilty. They know it looks like they've chosen bil. They know they were originally moving to be nearer to you but have done a U-turn. All of this 'don't worry we can still babysit and look there are lots of parks' is nonsense and they know it, it's for your benefit.