Am I being unfair to my in laws about house move?

[Lass67]

So I’ve name changed for this, as locations very outing- hence also why I’ve not posted in AIBU...
I’ll try keep brief.

DH and I live in North Leeds. His parents live in South Leeds. We had a few wobbles between Us and PIL mainly brought up by his brother, who lives in Huddersfield with his partner, but have generally got on quite well. MIL has admitted she gets on better with us than with them. PIL can be demanding in terms of how much we see them; pre pandemic DH had a big argument with his mum who said ‘ I miss you and don’t know why you don’t want to see us’ when we actually would see them every few weeks. During pandemic things are ok, in regular contact and seeing when possible, I do have quite a bit of affection for my PIL even if they drives me batty sometimes.

Now PIL have decided they want to downsize
. Initially talking about moving to north Leeds (which we were on board with) but then realised how much they could get for their money in Huddersfield. They are selling and moving west of there.

That is fine- it’s their life and I can imagine paying off mortgage and having spare money will make things easier. It’s going to be hard in some ways though as although my MIL will give up work my FIL will still be working in castleford so it’s going to be a commute but that’s his decision. Also a lot fewer facilities when MIL loves to shop but that’s not my business. What is worrying me is how they are talking about future grandkids.

My MIL is insisting she will be doing regular childcare for us in the future. We are TTC but they don’t know that. My MIL has no plans beyond looking after grandkids that don’t exist yet. She works at the moment but would have to give up that job as she couldn’t commute. She doesn’t drive, and to get to us would be a 2 hour trip on public transport one way. Even in the car in normal traffic it’s going to be a pain in the arse to get there- we couldnt drop off and get back as that would take over 90 minutes too. She suggested we leave future children with them for half the week, and seemed genuinely disappointed and like I’d dashed her plans when I laughed assuming she was joking. They keep saying how future grandkids will love the area etc. .In My head I’m thinking a) lay off, we don’t even have any children yet and I’m a bit sensitive TTC now b) in reality we are going to be once a month visitors- in north Leeds we have loads of amazing stuff for kids to do on our doorstep and whilst we will still see his mum and dad regularly I’m not going up and down the M62 to please PIL

What I’m afraid of is constant demanding calls and texts asking why we don’t love them and want to see them and why we won’t bring their grandbabies to them. I just don’t know if I can do or say anything now to pre empt this. I did send them a link to a house nearer us that ticked all their boxes but they said there wasn’t a train station so it didn’t suit them.

She is expecting your children to be to fill her life but she is forgetting what it feels like. It is painful to leave your child for too long. Also, your child will be exactly that!

Also she is forgetting how exhausting it all is. If she wants to provide childcare she comes to you!

Your MIL sounds unhinged. Boundaries are going to need to be set by you and your husband OP. Sooner rather than later. If she's like this now then crikey what's going to happen when grandchild arrive!?

Start the boundary thing now op
Every time she brings it up you say ‘no I think children do much better in a nursery/childminder ’
Or ‘no. That not going to work- think of the traffic’
Or just ‘no. We don’t want Intend to do that ‘
Your baby your choice
If she pushes it remind her that any future kids are yours. And besides they’re not even born yet

This is a warning tho. She’s going to be pushy and demanding when you finally do have kids

Personally I never gave my mobile number to ( now ex) mil I let the Exh deal with his family

How does your H behave around his mother, does he default to child mode in her presence?. Is he afraid of her on some level and does he seem further obligated or made to feel guilty by her?.

It matters not where they live and I would be wondering whether she is actually emotionally safe enough to be at all around.

Sounds like your MIL wants to play at being parent again to your children. Raise your own boundaries here a lot higher going forward and do not further feed her delusions.

Maybe you could point out any issues with hospitals for them as they get older. Someone I know in Gildersome got sent to Dewsbury Hospital and had an horrific time. Not saying LGI/St James is perfect, but it's a thought.

@SleepingStandingUp

Your DH needs to be straight with them - if you're moving to X that's a X minute drive in best conditions, we won't be making it to you more than once an X, you're obv welcome to come to us. Any future children won't be living elsewhere half the week because they're out children. We can discuss sleepovers when they're old enough to ask but right now we don't even have any so I'm not discussing it.

This.

Your Dh needs to make it clear now that you won’t be using then for childcare.

You both need to factor the cost of a childminder or nursery place into your plans. If you can’t afford it yet then you need to wait.

Do not I repeat NOT tell your PIL until you are 3 months pregnant. Do NOT tell them every last detail of your pregnancy and then complain that they are giving you unwanted advice.

It is YOUR BODY - no one but you has a legal or moral right to any details whatsoever. You DONT a have to tell your MIL everything that you tell your mother / sister/ best friend.

And you need to let your Dh deal with all the whinging messages about how you don’t love them. Honestly you are CHOOSING to get involved in this drama - it’s between your husband and his family.

I promise you, if you opt out of it then your husband will soon deal with it. He’s not doing so now because YOU take the flack. Once it’s his problem he will sort it.

You need to step back and detach.

What C0NNIE wrote here in its entirety.

I would only add that your H's own inertia when it comes to his parents hurts him as well as you. I would also be reading "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward.

You do need to be clear.

"If we have kids and you are living in Huddersfield doing childcare for them isn't going to work. If we have kids they will be living with us full time, you've had your turn at being parents"

Also point out you won't be giving up your weekends to see them each week either!

I agree the solution would be for MIL to stay at yours which would end up being 3 nights per week for 2 days childcare.

Arrive Tuesday afternoon leave Thursday morning would drive you crazy!

Is the new house selected? Commute wise living in the very south east of Huddersfield and going North on the M1 and then joining the M62 east of Leeds would be less hideous and still allow for lower house prices/more rural setting.

I agree the solution would be for MIL to stay at yours which would end up being 3 nights per week for 2 days childcare

I know this is hard to imagine when you don’t have kids yet. But when you have done a days work and driven home, the VERY LAST thing in the world you will want to do is cook dinner for your MIL and entertain her.

You will want to see your baby, spend time with baby, grab something to eat, bath baby, put baby to bed and collapse onto the sofa. You MAY want to spend time chatting to your DH over coffee, but probably not. All you will want to do is sleep.

But you can’t of course - you need to tidy up the house, wash the dishes and put in a load of washing. Take it out, hang it up, check some work emails.

Meanwhile MIL will be sitting in the living room with pursed lips complaint that no one is talking to her. So your husband will have coffe with her while you do housework and feel resentful.

THEN you will collapse into bed - remember you might well be up several times in the night. Any of course you need to be up very early to get yourself and baby ready in the morning. And no doubt tidy the house so your MIL doesn’t complain.

There’s no chance you will ever have sex - combination of baby, MIL and exhaustion will put paid to that.

Honestly I feel stressed and exhausted just typing this.

Do you REALLY think it’s worth all this stress and loss of privacy just to save two days childcare fees?

I would only add that your H's own inertia when it comes to his parents hurts him as well as you.

It even hurts them. By avoiding confrontation (and who said it had to be confrontational?) he is going to let them make a possibly unwise decision without all the relevant facts. They're making this move with certain expectations in mind. It would be a shame if they were to find out after the expense and upheaval that those expectations simply aren't happening. Do them a favour and let them know before it's too late! No reason not to do it nicely. If it's because they won't take it well, that's another factor to consider from your side. An adult should be able to have a polite, loving but honest conversation with his own parents without anyone getting hurt.

Not that this bit is your business, but I also wonder whether they've calculated how much the loss of MIL's earnings will offset the gain in moving to a cheaper property, and how much difference increased commuting costs will make. Last time I changed jobs the new salary was £3k less but the commute was nearly 20 miles shorter so I was actually better off.

I'd just ignore comments about childcare tbh.
If they and you want it to work, there will be solutions. Eg, mil could stay at your house overnight and do 2 days.
I wouldnt have left my child even with my mum for half the week and I certainly wouldn't have dc with mil for half a minute after I saw her poor skills (but I digress!)

@C0NNIE I couldn't agree more which is why op needs to be realistic about the "solutions" that will be presented and say "no way is that happening" before the PILS buy a house and there is a nuclear fallout about seeing them post move let alone when DGC come along!!

Could they stay with BIL for a week to discover what the commute is really like?