Breaking delicate news and how to support her

[Mommabear20]

My BF and I have been BF for almost 10 years and share EVERYTHING! She was the first person I told when my now DH proposed and the first (after DH) that I told when I found out we were pregnant with my DD.
At the beginning of our friendship, she was the one that wanted to get married, settle down and have a family, me, not so much. As with most things in life, we have both been thrown curve balls and things have worked out the opposite way, she has had many failed relationships and disappointments in her work life, I on the other hand met my DH and we married last year, she was incredible with helping me plan the wedding and I couldn't have been without her! She was supportive at the beginning of my pregnancy but she quickly got jealous and virtually went NC with me without an explanation, she eventually messaged me and explained her feelings and that she was happy for us but was struggling with the fact she hasn't found what's she's looking for and it is hard watching me get every I never planned but that she's desperate for. We talked and came to a happy agreement that we would only discuss the pregnancy if there was something important (if baby was ill etc) or if she brought it up, this worked great as she lives in a different city now so we rarely see each other in person anymore.
DH and I decided that we wanted a second baby close in age to our DD and we fell pregnant again when DD was 4 months old, I'm now 10 weeks and am terrified to tell her as I don't want to hurt her anymore but she's (after my DH and DC obviously) the most important person in my life. So I guess my question is how would you go about telling her? I know however I do it it's going to be unexpected and upsetting for her but I feel the longer I leave it the harder it'll be as it'll look like I've kept it from her. 😔

Honestly I have no time for jealous people, just tell her and if she can't be happy for you then it's her tough luck.
I expect when she settles down and has a child, she'll be the first to let everyone know.

What you do is ditch her.
Seriously only talking about your pregnancy if there was a problem and only if she started the conversation otherwise.
She's unrealistic and incredibly selfish.
Why do you give her that bitter selfish power.
There will be people all around her in your position so don't let her hinder your happiness and make you feel guilty.

If she falls pregnant do you think she’d be happy only speaking about her pregnancy if you brought it up or her baby was ill?

You say she’s the most important person in your life after your husband yet you need to filter your life when talking or being around her.
She needs to work on herself this isn’t a healthy relationship.

I can understand temporarily avoiding talking about things that upset her if she is having a difficult time. That’s not going to be possible long term if you want to keep a relationship. How long are you not supposed to talk about your family for?

I’d just tell her but do so in an understated way without making much of a deal about it. Then judge her reaction on where to go from there.

Really though there needs to be some movement towards being able to share stuff again without blanking out large parts of your life.

Also maybe tell her by text initially so she can react how she wants privately (eg cry if she needs to). Then mention it when you talk after.

If she falls pregnant do you think she’d be happy only speaking about her pregnancy if you brought it up or her baby was ill?

This!

I understand that jealousy can be an awful emotion, I struggled with fertility issues and couldn't conceive a second child. However when my bf told me she was expecting her 2nd at the same time we were trying I was happy for her, maybe a little jealous but I was happy for her. Your friend is treating you badly. I think you need to reassess your friendship. Do you think she'd be so understanding in your shoes?

I’d just tell her but do so in an understated way without making much of a deal about it. Then judge her reaction on where to go from there.

This is good advice. Time has passed you're assuming she is still in that same bad place.

When you tell her, because you’ll have to eventually, and she tells you not to talk about the pregnancy again, what will up I do?

It’s not about how to tell her, it’s about whether the friendship has legs with your lives going in different directions now and her choice not to let you share yours with her.

Do you have other friends? Does she?

I think you’re overestimating how much of a good friend to you she really is. I’ve never heard of a ‘friend’ asking to only hear about a pregnancy is there’s something ‘important’. She sounds like a selfish cow

Honestly I have no time for jealous people, just tell her and if she can't be happy for you then it's her tough luck.

100% agree with this. Not your problem OP

Don't use the phrase we are pregnant thta won't help anything!

But seriously, I'm sure it is hard if you want to settle and have a baby but it's not happening for you and it is for friends. However we all have things with friends and family we'd like in our lives that they have. I wouldn't dream of saying to a friend don't talk about your house because I want to mice but can't yet.

Yes be sensitive, especially as meeting a partner and having a baby aren't just things you can make happen. But if she can't be happy for you then I'd wonder how much of a friend she actually was.

I like to think I'm a good friend and have empathy but I can't imagine being only allowed to talk about certain things with a friend.

Hmmm, are you sure this friendship is giving you want you need from a best friend? Your pregnancies will be babies and then children, are you going to just pretend they don't exist. If you are happy in this friendship then that's ok, but I can't see it's very nurturing for you.

If she had fertility issues or had suffered loss, I could understand why you’d handle things very delicately. But she is basically jealous of you and you’re tiptoeing around on eggshells. This isn’t friendship.

People who resent or envy pregnancies or other good new are poisonous. If she can’t grow up, distance yourself from her.

You’re a parent now, and soon to have a one year old and a newborn. Can you really be doing with this nonsense that you’re not allowed to raise the subject of your children unless she does first?

So the friendship has to be on her terms? No - she is either happy for you or otherwise forget this friendship.

Cut her off! that is not a friend, get yourself a new best friend.

I totally understand her wanting the things that you have. I feel like that about some of my friends (I reckon we all do sometimes). BUT! When they get new job, new houses, babies, marriage etc....I am elated for them. I knwo that whatever blessings are coming their way are not stopping my blessings. If she can't be all in in the friendship, get rid of her.

Will she only become a proper friend again when she gets married and has a baby? She sounds horrible.

how old are you both she sounds really immature shes meant to be your friend

I agree with others, she's not a great friend is she really? I've struggled before with recurring miscarriages and then friends becoming pregnant but I was genuinely pleased for them. I might have gone home and had a little cry but I would never ever have made them feel guilty or as though they had to hide their pregnancy from me. She either likes it or lumps it.

Just tell her and get on with your life
You don’t need her permission or involvement really certainly not the reporting conditions she’s attaching to your major life events. I am assuming this is not reciprocated btw

But “we are pregnant” is just 🙄 YOU are pregnant your DH is not .

We don’t all get what we want and it’s best just to suck it up. I had a mixture of good and bad luck but life goes on. Many people have things that I’d like, I have things others would like. That’s life!

I would just message her the news, so she can digest it in her own time and spares you being caught in an awkward conversation.

Then leave it. Don't reach out or contact her until she replies, and if she just ignores the news or gets upset, take space. If she can't be ok with this news, you are going to have to re-consider that you've both outgrown the friendship.

It happens. When people change, and have different lives, it's hard to maintain a friendship unless both people can be accepting and tolerant of each other. If she can't, then you're both suffering while hanging on to memories of a good friendship.

Always surround yourself with people who want what's best for you and can be happy for you. This isn't your friend. Pretending your children don't really exist is utterly ridiculous. Or her waiting till she's on par with you to be comfortable with it is also ridiculous. It's not a competition.

Congratulations anyway!

I find it interesting that she can't find/keep a loving relationship and the way she has treated you op.

Maybe she needs to invest less energy in blaming others for her unhappiness (you have the family she wants, therefore you have made her unhappy) and examine what she offers to potential partners by way of love and commitment?

She is breathtakingly selfish!

Sorry, op, but fuck this nonsense. This woman is not your friend. She's a bitter, jealous cow who wants you to modify your life in order to keep her happy, and you're doing it! This is madness. I wouldn't waste one second of my life on this relationship, and you shouldn't either. You need to raise your standards as for who you share your life with.

Actually she sounds like a shit friend and I’d fuck her off .