Breaking delicate news and how to support her

[Mommabear20]

My BF and I have been BF for almost 10 years and share EVERYTHING! She was the first person I told when my now DH proposed and the first (after DH) that I told when I found out we were pregnant with my DD.
At the beginning of our friendship, she was the one that wanted to get married, settle down and have a family, me, not so much. As with most things in life, we have both been thrown curve balls and things have worked out the opposite way, she has had many failed relationships and disappointments in her work life, I on the other hand met my DH and we married last year, she was incredible with helping me plan the wedding and I couldn't have been without her! She was supportive at the beginning of my pregnancy but she quickly got jealous and virtually went NC with me without an explanation, she eventually messaged me and explained her feelings and that she was happy for us but was struggling with the fact she hasn't found what's she's looking for and it is hard watching me get every I never planned but that she's desperate for. We talked and came to a happy agreement that we would only discuss the pregnancy if there was something important (if baby was ill etc) or if she brought it up, this worked great as she lives in a different city now so we rarely see each other in person anymore.
DH and I decided that we wanted a second baby close in age to our DD and we fell pregnant again when DD was 4 months old, I'm now 10 weeks and am terrified to tell her as I don't want to hurt her anymore but she's (after my DH and DC obviously) the most important person in my life. So I guess my question is how would you go about telling her? I know however I do it it's going to be unexpected and upsetting for her but I feel the longer I leave it the harder it'll be as it'll look like I've kept it from her. 😔

I just wouldn’t tell her.

I think a lot of the previous replies are a bit harsh to your friend.

It sounds like she was struggling and was honest by acknowledging that it was affecting her behaviour. She knew it was her problem.

Op, if you feel she is a good friend to you, then tell her and give her time to absorb it. I would consider whether you are prepared to tip toe around her forever though or whether at some point she will have to accept things as they are.

I'm more shocked that you purposefully got pregnant again when you baby was four months! .

I hope you are feeling well. You are going to need to keep your energy for yourself, not this friendship drain.

My baby was stillborn. My best friend told me she was pregnant 3 weeks after mine died. I still managed to be really bloody happy for her, even though the envy was overwhelming. You can hold jealously and happiness for your friend at the same time, and do so more successfully than your supposed BFF. I’d ditch her too.

@Trisolaris thank you for an actually helpful response.

She's amazing with my DD but just found it hard to accept that her life wasn't going the way she planned. She's helped me through some of the hardest times in my life and been there for everything else. So no, I won't ditch her because it's now her that needs a little help and support.

she's (after my DH and DC obviously) the most important person in my life

this makes me so sad. shes so important to you. maybe just explain to her that you are pregnant but anxious as you dont want to lose her. you fully understand how she feels and that you and your DD love her and you just know this baby will love and need her as well. Make her feel part of it.

I think the friend is getting overly criticized here. It is often the case that women struggle and feel jealous when a close friend is pregnant and they would love marriage and kids for themselves but for whatever reason have not. She was honest and told the op she was struggling to discuss the pregnancy.
If I were you op, I'd tell her by text so she doesn't have to react 'live'.

If her jealousy was just temporary and she's over it now, then that's understandable. And of course you shouldn't ditch her. And messaging her the news is best option.

But if she still carries resentment/jealousy and the new pregnancy will only upset her more, not sure you can help her through this? It would be like someone dumping you but wanting to help you through it, or someone sacking you and wanting to help you through it. You and your life is the thing causing her pain, the reminder of what she doesn't have. And every bit of good news is a blow to her - does that seem healthy? So other than giving her lots of space or hiding the most important things in your life, you can't support her.

Do you think she will be ok with this in time or only when she gets married? Or only when she has a child? What happens if she's in a relationship where he won't marry her. Or if she's struggling with conception. Point being, the onus is on her to find ways to be happy for you even when things are tough for her.

If she can, then kudos to you both, you have a friendship that can survive anything. If she can't then you will only be causing her more pain and she will withdraw eventually anyway.

I agree with @Trisolaris

It's not an ideal situation but on the whole this woman is a good friend to you and your DD.

It's understandably difficult to see friends whose lives are moving forward when you are struggling yourself, but I think its particularly tough at the moment.

In normal circumstances your friend could thrown herself into socialising, online dating, clubs, hobbies etc to try and meet someone or at least distract herself.

There's no options at the moment and it makes any negative feelings more magnified because it seems insurmountable when you can't do anything proactive to change your situation.

People like your friend OP who have such bad relationship "luck" normally have responsibility for it too e.g. picking the wrong types of men. It's not your fault that you (hopefully) picked a good one.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! To be honest, I'd be wary about someone who was that envious because envy is such a destructive emotion. It's understandable she's disappointed that things haven't worked out how she would have liked and she doesn't want to be around it all as much. It's similar with women unable to conceive and being surrounded by friends and other people who have children, especially if they conceived very quickly. Life can feel very unfair at times. To be honest I would be suggesting therapy if she's that affected by it all. The fact that you're posting means you feel empathy for her which is good, so I wouldn't worry too much about it. If her life hasn't worked out how she wanted, it isn't your fault.

Yes, she's okay now and things are how they were before I got pregnant with DD, she just needed time to come to terms with things, but I know that the news of another pregnancy could be hard for her again and I don't want to hurt her, so want to do it in a way that she can process it in her own time and hopefully we can both have an easier time this time around. I could be over thinking and she'll be fine this time having already dealt with her feelings last time.

Once again the poison on MN is shocking. "Dump the bitter cow" advice about a woman who's hurting for understandable reasons.

OP I think she's a good friend. She was honest about feeling an ugly emotion, that's not easy to do. It doesn't sound like she made unreasonable demands on you - you both came to an agreement and that was kind on your part.

Write her an email. Name the elephant in the room - say you wanted to let her know and not keep anything from her, but you understand if she's hurt and needs to pull back for a bit. Don't take offence if she does and don't update her on the pregnancy - if you do chat talk about other things. If she doesn't contact you for a while don't take it the wrong way and be there for her if/when she's ready to chat again. It may take a bit of time but I think your friendship will get back on track eventually.

Something that would be nice could be to give her a boost. She's probably feeling like a shit failure at the moment and could do with hearing a heartfelt compliment - about something you feel she's good at, or about her kindness when you needed it.

I would mention it quite casually as part of a text or an email that is also talking about other things. That way she knows about it and you've not withheld anything from her but there's less pressure on her to react in the right way if you see what I mean.

She can take her time to compose herself and get on with the business of being a friend. Overly focusing on her response is likely to make things harder for her so I wouldn't draw attention to that, just be factual about the information and then text/ email about other things too so that she has the opportunity to respond on them as well.

Life goes on
The saying we can guarantee birth, death & taxes
Life continues for everyone
We try to make the best of what we have & try to improve
Everyone has life ups & downs

I had a similar situation with a very close friend of mine when I had my dc and she didn't (ever) have any. The friendship only really became okay again about 15 years later once the dc were more independent. Because she was a good friend, we kept the doors open to each other, just about, and in time it was all good. Now we are very close again. I know this isn't a lot of help to you at this point, but I just wanted to make the point that a good friendship can go through phases for all sorts of reasons and I think if someone is a good enough friend then this sort of thing should be forgivable and understood. But don't let this spoil your joy at your pregnancy - your lives are very different now and she can't help how she feels, but it isn't your problem, it's hers.

Got to say OP, you sound like a very caring and considerate friend and I think it's a show of a good friendship that she can open up to her own insecurities and jealous feelings with you, without judgement.
Obviously she is going to be struggling and I despair of some of the bitter 'dump her' posters above with not an ounce of empathy. Mumsnet is sometimes not a nice place.

Thankfully you've also had some really good advice. I would also be tempted to message her so she can process it in her own time, explaining why and asking her to contact when she's ready. I think she will be really happy for you, but probably really sad for herself as well, so may take a bit to come round. I'm sure when she starts feeling better about herself, she will wholeheartedly by over the moon for you, she just needs to catch a break.

Massive congrats to you

I agree with Trisolaris and indeed with the OP in her responses. Life and friendships do indeed have their ups and downs and you don't ditch very close friends just because they are not always 100% as we would like them to be. How you both handled a difficult situation seems to me a demonstration of the strength and depth of your friendship and I think the signs are good you can do so again. The suggestions as to how are solid and I don't have much to add other than to point out that our friends are not their just to orbit around us being there for us, they are individusls with their own wants, feelings, sometimes less than ideal emotions. It's how we navigate these choppy waters that matters, not pretending they don't exist or throwing people overboard at the first sign of trouble. That would make for shallow friendships with sycophants or no friendships at all.

You just need to tell her gently and in a considerate way which I have no doubt you will do.

ALL my friends had babies whilst we were failing at IVF so it is hard for her I know. But despite my situation and sadness I was happy for my friends they were pregnant, because they were happy. A baby is a joy whoever it belongs too!

I think she is being a bit selfish to be honest and I think you are a great friend. Congratulations on your baby.

You say she’s amazing with your DD- just tell her that you wanted a sibling for her who was close in age.
She was honest with you; you were respectful. You can do that again, if it’s something you don’t mind doing (but that’s your choice!).
Congratulations!

Seriously what long term relationships, which include friendships, don’t have bumps in the road. Your df was jealous for a period of time that she doesn’t have what she always wanted and you do . She owned her feelings, knew they weren’t great and has moved past them. Op is worried this will bring these feelings back for her df. You are a great friend op and I trust this is reciprocated by your df. I would text or email, give her space and tell her you’re around when she’s ready. I hope you’re friend gets a break soon

Just text her and tell her. And if she kicks up again, tell her that you feel hurt she needs to work on managing her feelings better, and that you would if the roles were reversed. You have a right to expect more warmth and support than this, even if she needs a little more processing space.

I do get it can be hard sometimes. I had a big relationship split in my late 20s, at a point when some of my closest friends got married/had kids. And there’s no doubt that this was sometimes tough looking at the contrast between their situation and mine. I did back off a bit and spent more time with single friends because I needed to not spend all my time with my nose pressed against the sweet shop window, so to speak. But I still was present for hen dos, pregnancies of dear friends and I was kind and supportive. I went to one dear friend’s hen do the day after I left my relationship - it was hard, but you know what, I am so glad I did because my dear friend has since had so many health problems and hard times. How would I feel if I had not had the backbone to share in my friend’s good time? You friend is not getting the balance right.

I would just text her Matter of fact “Hi Friend, hope you are well and staying wrapped up warm in this cold weather (or other appropriate/ natural greeting) Just wanted you to be the first to know I’m pregnant again, due on DATE.” If you can follow up with something relevant to her and not about the baby that would be great. For example if you watch a show that she watches, ask if she’s seen the latest episode. If she has been having a hard time at work ask about that. If she is trying a new exercise regime this month ask how it’s going. Basically I can’t really suggest something as it depends what you usually talk about with her, but if you ask something non baby related it lets her know you’re giving her permission to talk about something else.

I hope she will be a good friend and say congratulations back which I would always do but after suffering infertility for 4 years with 2 miscarriages and a friend who started trying after me about to have her 2nd child I can only deal with so much pregnancy chat as it’s painful and difficult to think too much about. My friend is an amazing friend and always keeps the chat about non pregnancy things unless I ask (which I try to do occasionally). You sound like an amazing friend too. If your friend doesn’t congratulate you or talk to you for a while then that’s a shame but it’s all about how she’s feeling and no reflection on you. Hopefully she’ll come back to you soon when she’s in a better place. Of course if she rants at you or is rude then I’m really not sure the friendship is worth keeping.

@gannett

Once again the poison on MN is shocking. "Dump the bitter cow" advice about a woman who's hurting for understandable reasons.

OP I think she's a good friend. She was honest about feeling an ugly emotion, that's not easy to do. It doesn't sound like she made unreasonable demands on you - you both came to an agreement and that was kind on your part.

Write her an email. Name the elephant in the room - say you wanted to let her know and not keep anything from her, but you understand if she's hurt and needs to pull back for a bit. Don't take offence if she does and don't update her on the pregnancy - if you do chat talk about other things. If she doesn't contact you for a while don't take it the wrong way and be there for her if/when she's ready to chat again. It may take a bit of time but I think your friendship will get back on track eventually.

Something that would be nice could be to give her a boost. She's probably feeling like a shit failure at the moment and could do with hearing a heartfelt compliment - about something you feel she's good at, or about her kindness when you needed it.

Yes this 200% Mumsnet can be harsh indeed