Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do i do?

31 replies

iwishihadthoughtofthat · 08/01/2021 16:26

I would like your opinions on my relationship with my Fiance'.We live quite a distance from one another.We both have our own houses,and both have had past relationships where we have had to pay exes off.We have discussed getting married and where we should live,including selling both houses and buying one between us.However,he has now decided that he doesn't want to sell his,as he said that having lost his house before after divorce to his wife and having to start again with a mortgage,he wants to keep his house.He also said he likes living in it with his things around him,and doesn't want to have someone else's things there.'We get on well,and have a lot of shared interests.He does most of the traveling as i don't enjoy driving.He is very generous and loving,and has helped me out a lot with different things.However this problem seems to be one we can't resolve and is putting a strain on our relationship.
Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 08/01/2021 16:28

I would say 'I agree, in fact I feel the same way myself, so let's just stay put'. He's expecting you to give in and go with his arrangement but make no compromises himself.

litterbird · 08/01/2021 16:46

He maybe just getting cold feet about marrying again. However, I feel just like your fiancé. I paid off my long term partner after we bought a house together and it the relationship finished. The move was traumatic with having to buy another house on my own. It was a difficult time. I have been in my own home now for 15 years with everything just so. Thankfully my DP has his own house with all his stuff around him and likes it that way he has it too. Your fiancé has been very clear to you that he likes where he is, what's in the house and doesn't want to share with anyone. You don't have to finish the relationship if you dont want to but you will have to comply with his wishes if you choose to stay. My DP and I are clear with each other that neither of us want to live together. It works for us. It can for you if thats what you want. There are married couples who live in their separate homes. Its not unusual.

IJustWantSomeBees · 08/01/2021 18:16

He also said he likes living in it with his things around him,and doesn't want to have someone else's things there

What does he mean by this? Does he expect you to move into his house and not change it in any was/bring any of your own possessions? Or is he saying that he wants you both to stay in your respective houses indefinitely?

He doesn't sound like he's willing to compromise at all, which is a major red flag. Most people who are getting married want to live together and build a home together, please don't settle for merely being a visitor in your husband's home if it is not what you want.

IJustWantSomeBees · 08/01/2021 18:18

Also, if you plan on having children, how would that work? I guarantee you'd be left doing more of the childcare in that scenario.

ravenmum · 08/01/2021 18:24

I know a couple who have lived in separate flats for the last 12 years, and plan to keep things that way. This is at the woman's request - her partner would live together if she wanted, but as she doesn't want to, he has bought a flat closer to her so that they are nearby. They are both in their 50s so no children to complicate things. Would that be an option, or are you younger/not keen?

waltzingparrot · 08/01/2021 18:34

You could rent yours out for 6 months and try his house. His view may soften or change, or maybe not, but at least you gave the relationship a chance to be together.

StrippedFridge · 08/01/2021 18:39

@Butterymuffin

I would say 'I agree, in fact I feel the same way myself, so let's just stay put'. He's expecting you to give in and go with his arrangement but make no compromises himself.
I agree with Buttery.

Lots of divorced couples live separately. It is so much easier in many ways.

Let him keep travelling. Drop the topic of marriage and shared living. Enjoy having both a committed boyfriend and an independent life.

StrippedFridge · 08/01/2021 18:40

By divorced couples I do of course mean a couple where both parties are divorcees.

Standrewsschool · 08/01/2021 18:45

Rent your individual houses out, and rent/buy a third house together?

You say you live far apart, which house is best for work?

If you have a new house together, than he can still have his things around him.

butterpuffed · 08/01/2021 18:51

He wants things to stay as they are , doesn't want to share his current house with you and doesn't want to buy one together.

It seems very self centred that he wants things all his way and is unwilling to compromise. Are you prepared to settle for having a long distance relationship for the forseeable future or will his selfishness drive a deep wedge between you ?

Original poster
iwishihadthoughtofthat · 08/01/2021 21:22

Thank you all for your input...butterpuffed has hit the nail on it's head.He does want things to stay as they are,doesn't want to share his current house,and doesn't want to buy one together....He thinks getting married and living where we do now seperately is o.k....not for me though.

OP posts:
StrippedFridge · 08/01/2021 22:35

It would be crazy to get married under those circumstances!

Original poster
iwishihadthoughtofthat · 09/01/2021 10:26

He's now talking about wills.We both have grown-up married children.He said what happens if we buy a house together and one of us dies.Would the surviving spouse then change their will and leave the house to only their child,and not equally to both of our children? (if we were married) I am starting to wonder if love comes into this relationship at all.

OP posts:
pictish · 09/01/2021 10:30

Ehhh well...it’s certainly not a conventional arrangement but not unheard of.
Point being, if it’s definitely not what you’re envisaging in your future, it’s not on. Most people by far would not agree to those terms.

Butterymuffin · 09/01/2021 10:30

The message is pretty clear. He doesn't want to have a joint house. So you need to work out if you want to stick with the way things are, or end the relationship.

OhDearMuriel · 09/01/2021 10:41

Regarding the wills - with one person dying (him in this instance) and the other changing their will so that only their own children benefit is a tail as old as the hills - it happens all the time.

I don't blame him at all.

You might think that you would never do this, but when you're old and frail, believe me it is so easy to be manipulated.

I have unfortunately witnessed this too many times.

seensome · 09/01/2021 10:41

I can't see how this relationship can continue, he doesn't want to live with you and he doesn't want to share his assets with you. While others say well other people can live separately, well that's them! and it's not what you want so tell him married life for you is living together or find someone else.

suggestionsplease1 · 09/01/2021 10:41

He's thinking practically, and I have to say I would be doing exactly the same thing.

After the trauma and stress of a previous split where your future and certainty of living situation is suddenly not simply in your hands anymore there is going to be desire to not put that at risk again in the future, no matter how much you love the other person, and how confident you are that the relationship is good and will endure.

Could you both consider renting out your present homes and releasing some equity from both properties to put towards a deposit for a smaller place you share together? Certainly tax implications there, both for purchase and income, and the onus of being landlords (although you can outsource this easily enough), but may be a way forward?

Ntwa · 09/01/2021 10:47

Didn't want to read and run. Have just come on to write a v similar post and this hit a nerve with me.
I am in exactly the same position minus the marriage part.. Its not for me.. I want a commuted relationship..some people would be happy with a seperate one.. Not me.
I'd suggest renting his or yours or both and see what he says. I've been down this route and am exhausted with the lack of interest / excuses so ended things a couple of days ago. It's very hard but your gut should tell you what you really want

Myshinynewname2021 · 09/01/2021 10:48

What I would say is that if you buy a house worth both of your places combined rather than getting something that saves you money and you have a strict agreement in place re the selling of it should you split he won't lose anything.

Or you both rent your places out and rent a place together which should see you both better off. And have a prenup.

Or you rent yours out and live in his and structure your contribution to ensure you are not losing out - you need to cover any rent shortfall and expenses and save for the future.

It's a problem, with a solution, you tackle as a team. If he can't go that then don't marry him.

BaronessBomburst · 09/01/2021 10:50

I can totally see it from his point of view and it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. He's being practical and realistic.
Even as I started reading your post I wondered why you would get married. It disadvantages both of you and your children.
I don't see any red flags with this relationship either. He's been clear on what he's offering and what he wants. It's up to you whether you want to accept what's on offer.

Myshinynewname2021 · 09/01/2021 11:10

Oh I see not only does he not want to move he doesn't want you to move in.

Only one way to tackle this. Shrug say ok and get on with your life. Be a bit more busy and less available and make sure you have plenty of emotional fulfilment outside of this relationship. He will either worry you are moving away or he will move away himself which he was already going to do. Give him nothing to fight against. Instead give him something to worry about.

pictish · 09/01/2021 11:14

In short, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the arrangement as such but I wouldn’t bother marrying him. What would be the point? You don’t need a contract or a public declaration of your love when it has no impact on your lifestyle. You can be a happy couple without a wedding.

Original poster
iwishihadthoughtofthat · 09/01/2021 16:02

I guess he wants his cake and eat it.Personally though i am getting fed up with him sitting on the fence.Either he wants us to be together and share our lives,or stay on his own.We have both had past partners that have took us for a ride.There is no gaurantees in life, sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith,let's face it,neither of us are in the first flush of youth.He says he wants companionship etc,but it seems on his terms.I think i will take myshinynewname's advice,and just get on with my life and make plans for myself.Thank you all,it's good to get other peoples angle on things.Sometimes when your in a relationship,it's difficult to see things clearly.

OP posts:
Maca07166 · 09/01/2021 16:21

If I could just put in a male perspective here.

I absolutely get where he’s coming from in terms of the house, I split from my ex a year ago and came out with nothing but the bag of clothes I left with.

In almost all situations it’s usually the man who ends up moving out and losing the martial home because let’s face it any decent father would not want to see his kids and the mother of his kids homeless just to spit them.

I’m 37 years old and fortunate that I have a loving family who have let me move back home while I save a deposit and hopefully the end of this year I’ll have something decent.

I can tell you one thing I’ll never ever be put in a position again where I could potentially lose my home all over again.

If I ever met someone else one of us would rent our home out and move into the others.

No way on gods earth would I sell my home.

It sucks that he seems adamant that’s where he’s staying but at the very least he’s being open and honest.

Swipe left for the next trending thread