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Original poster

How soon for kids to meet new partner/ move in?

46 replies

3u33y · 08/01/2021 11:50

I have seen lots of threads on here where people have commented on how soon someone has allowed their kids to meet their new partner. Some consider a year okay, others 18 months- 2 years but generally under 12 months is a big no-no!?
Also the length of time before a new partner moves in also seems to vary so I’m interested in this also.
So just for interest in opinions
How long should someone wait to introduce their kids to a new partner? And how long should a person wait before moving in with a new partner, especially when kids are involved?
Hmm

OP posts:
WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 08/01/2021 12:00

Problem is that it depends on the people involved. A good set of people can judge this right for the children.

The bad people think they can introduce earlier than they should and justify it for whatever reason they come up with.

Theunamedcat · 08/01/2021 12:03

It depends my ex was with his last fiancé two years social services didnt want her within a mile of our children (or her own)

Normal circumstances I would say 12 months for introduction and it depends again if you ever move in with them i mean what if you introduce and they hate each other? What if your parenting styles clash?

Givemeabreak88 · 08/01/2021 12:04

I don’t think 12 months is typical? From what I’ve seen most say 6 months to introduce, as for moving in well surely that should be years anyway as why would you want to move men you barely know in with your kids anyway unless you’ve been together a long time? Sorry but that’s something I really struggle to not judge, there was a woman recently asking if she should move her partner of 3 months in, I don’t get people like that.

RuthW · 08/01/2021 12:08

I think it depends on the age of the children. It was about 8 weeks before she met my (then) new partner when she was 8 but I always said no moving anyone in before she was 18.

Livandme · 08/01/2021 12:09

Depends on individual circumstances.

GypsyLee · 08/01/2021 12:13

Four years, it might be proving to last by then.
Your dc don't need men coming in and out of their lives.
You never know if it's going to work when you already have kids, and it's a new relationship.
Put your kids first and wait.

TheStoic · 08/01/2021 12:16

Everyone is different.

For me, 12 months minimum for introductions. Moving in, probably not until kids move out. The thought of a blended family seems like an absolute nightmare to me.

PegLegTrev · 08/01/2021 12:18

I met my DSS at six months. There are pros and cons. For me I was head over heels for my now DH, if I’d have known what my DSS was really like before I become so entwined with my DH I would have ran for the hills. So I wish I’d met him sooner.

LemonBreeland · 08/01/2021 12:18

I would say at least 6 months before meeting. I'm not sure on moving in, as others have said it depends on the DC. But it also should not even be thought about in early stages.

I am no longer friends with a woman who chucked out her partner and moved a new man in less than 3 weeks later. That is definitely too soon. They are still together and married 10 years later. But the fact that she showed so little care for her DC, who were still reeling from their Dad being gone was just absolutely horrific.

PegLegTrev · 08/01/2021 12:19

Moving in was 18m, my DH wanted to sooner but I was clinging onto my spinster pad and loved having my own space.

Mochatatts · 08/01/2021 12:26

Depends on the kids and the partners. My kids didn't meet my ex for several months and we moved in together after 18months. It was a disaster, in part due to their father taking me to court but it didn't work out.
My OH met my kids with his kids after about 8weeks, I'd already met his two by then. I moved in after 4 months, my children live with their father. Initially they weren't happy. I explained I'd lived down the road for over 2 years and had got to a point where I'd met someone who made me very happy and we wanted to be together. They were 11 and 8.
We've had some teething problems, mostly child related but we're 20month on, I've never been happier and our daughters due in less than 5 weeks.
I suppose the difference this time is my OH is a decent bloke. He spends time with both my boys, he a great role model in terms of how i should be treated/relationships etc, he and my eldest get on amazingly well. My contact with my children has never changed and my move is no longer an issue (I'm 50miles away now instead of 20mins down the road)
Parents are people too and also deserve to be happy. I'd put up with alot of crap and thought for a long time about the move but we all love where I live so it was the right decision for us.

CodenameVillanelle · 08/01/2021 12:31

Personally I would say no introductions until you're sure it's a proper relationship. That is unlikely to be less than 3 months and probably 6 plus. However introduction doesn't mean hanging out and spending loads of time together. My boyfriend comes round in the evening and my DS crosses over with him for a short while before he goes to bed but we don't hang out and do things together. There is really no need.
Moving in is a whole other story. That should be a matter of years IMO not months.

StephenBelafonte · 08/01/2021 13:22

I guess about a year to introduce to kids but before moving in it would have to be marriage for me. Never understood this Mumsnet obesession about moving in with men - it's not compulsory- you can just be girlfriend and boyfriend

Peace43 · 08/01/2021 13:29

6 months before meeting and even then it’s ok to just introduce as a “friend”. I’d expect doing things together to take much longer. My relationship is 18 months old and my DP generally does stuff with me when DD is with her Dad. We rarely do stuff altogether (I really this is FAR harder if there is no split custody).

Moving him in... never!! 2 years minimum!

selflove · 08/01/2021 13:36

I have three young kids under 6. Split from ExH 3years ago. Been with new partner 5 months. He has no kids.

He hasn't met mine. Whilst I'm in no rush for him to meet them, and could easily make it 1year+, he has basically said "I don't have kids. I don't know what life is like with young kids around and whether that's something I can deal with, and however much I love you and see a future with you, I don't know if we can make a future work until I've met your kids, at the moment it's like I only know a small fraction of you/your life, and I don't want to end up in too deep with you then meet your kids and realise it's all too much", so from his point of view, he'd prefer to meet my kids sooner rather than later.

So I sort of see his point. Probably in a few months he'll join us "as a friend" for a zoo trip or something. It's not unusual for a female friend to join us for days out - they might meet a friend a few times then for various reasons not again for ages and it's never affected them, so a similar arrangement in the early days would probably work.

NiceandCalm · 08/01/2021 13:41

I don't think there's a problem introducing new b/f or g/f's early on if you keep things on a 'friends' basis, i.e. you're not forcing them to spend time together, playing happy family's. Moving in together is another matter and you should take your time and only if they've established a good relationship with the kids. It takes a long time to really get to know someone and you shouldn't fast-track this.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/01/2021 13:43

Entirely dependent on the circs. How long since the separation/ the age of the dc/ does the new bf/gf have kids/ how many previous partners have they met etc.

It's not a one size fits all.

Generally I'd err on the side of "as late as possible" but there's no way I could put a time on it.

awwkkwwaard · 08/01/2021 13:49

Bloody hell really? About 6 weeks to meet my (3yo) DS - stayed over after a couple of months - but didn't move in until 18 months later - by which time we were married. No one can say what amount of time - it is too dependent on everyone involved. Oh, and DS is now in his 30s and we've been married 26 years...

HOS8595 · 08/01/2021 13:52

9months to a year to meet ... and only then as a friend and progress from there.

Moving in... I honestly don’t even know. Maybe 2-3years in IF everything is going well.

Original poster
3u33y · 08/01/2021 13:55

I think most people feel under 6 months is too soon, and I guess I am in that camp also.
Moving in with someone would be incredibly hard for me regardless if the BF was brilliant with my kids. I have come to love my personal space and house to just me and the kids so much I would really struggle to cope with another adult here.
I guess it is all down to personal choice.
I just asked because I have just picked up on people mentioning it being too soon etc on other threads and wondered what the general consensus was.

OP posts:
PolkadotGiraffe · 08/01/2021 14:51

One of the most dangerous things you can do to a child is move an unrelated adult into their home. Why is it necessary at all? I find it baffling that some people won't let their children walk to school alone for example, but think it's ok to make them live with a virtual stranger to them. What's the problem with having a relationship with someone new but keeping your children's home stable and for their relatives only to live there? I really don't understand why people do this.

longhaulstress · 08/01/2021 15:23

Meeting all depends on circumstances/ages of kids.
Mine met dp after 3 months partly mostly because everyone wanted to meet each other. I also come as a package deal and you may as well figure out earlier than later if it's something that's going to work for everyone.
My dp also has no children so I thought it was important he see what it's like with dc's.

I also don't think it needs to be a big deal meeting. Dp and I have now been together for 6 months and the kids see him maybe once a fortnight for a walk, or dinner, pizza and a film.
It's been kept pretty casual. People come and go from our lives , e.g school friends, friends at different stages of life. I don't think it has to be a traumatic end if it doesn't work out in the earlier stages.

Moving in together is a whole different kettle of fish got no idea on that but it's not in any plans I have yet.

PeterPanNeverLands · 08/01/2021 15:34

5 months before my now husband met my eldest daughter and we bought a house just before the 2 year mark.

Sunshineandflipflops · 08/01/2021 15:36

My kids (12 and 13 at the time) met my bf after 6 months. I was going to wait a bit longer but my eldest asked if they could meet him. We met on neutral ground and did an activity together and took our time.

We live separately 16 months on and don't have any plans to move in together at the moment, maybe even until my kids have left home, but we're taking each day as it comes. I like having our home as ours and then having adult time when the kids are with their dad. We have all spent time together quite a few times and it's fine but I prefer keeping it a little separate on the whole for now.

So basically I think it depends on a number of things as to how long to wait but I wouldn't be introducing someone new before 6 months.

PumpkinWitch · 08/01/2021 16:27

@PolkadotGiraffe

One of the most dangerous things you can do to a child is move an unrelated adult into their home. Why is it necessary at all? I find it baffling that some people won't let their children walk to school alone for example, but think it's ok to make them live with a virtual stranger to them. What's the problem with having a relationship with someone new but keeping your children's home stable and for their relatives only to live there? I really don't understand why people do this.
No one is suggesting that it is ok to move a random stranger into your home but if you are in a relationship with someone and that is well established they can become your family.

A lot of people have step parents and step siblings. Do you think they shouldn’t ever?