DH wants attention all the time

[ZigZag88]

So before I start I'm going to say I am 18 weeks pregnant so probably hormonal and over reacting but this is starting to get to me

DH and I have been together nearly 14 years, married 8, 1 DC(4) and expecting our second later in the year

We have had our ups and downs like all couples but for the most part are happy. Last year was testing as it was for everyone. One of the reasons we have worked well together for so long is that he works shifts and I work in an office based role so we have always been very independent of each other and don't live in each other pockets. Since march last year I have been WFH which has been great for me, but also means I don't get the break from DH that I am used to.

If I am at home, then DH seems to expect me to be paying him attention all the time. I have a purpose built office set up as my role requires certain equipment to do my job (think multiple screens etc) and we had a spare room so we set up an office space for me. In my mind when I am working (Mon-Fri) I am working between 9-5, I take a break for lunch which I sit downstairs with DH but then I prefer to go back into my office. My job is full on and demanding whereas he seems to think I can just sit downstairs with the laptop, answer a few emails and watch TV with him all day.

Then he moans about my hours. before when I was in the office I used to do something along the lines of 0830 - 1630 as I had the commute and a lot of people did the same. However after team changes this year ( I was lucky to keep a job at all as my industry has been heavy hit by Covid) and the fact we are now homeschooling, I have said multiple times that I have changed my hours slightly as most of my new team do 0900 - 1700. However as I have no commute I'm still downstairs for dinner earlier than I would have been when in the office. Although Dh likes the fact that I get to spend longer laying in during the morning, he still moans to everyone that I should be finishing at 1600 but I work until 1700! I've lost count of how many times I have explained this to him, but he still moans all the time.

Then we have the bedroom. I admit I am not the best at initiating things, and have become worse since pregnant as I am exhausted. I'm trying to work full time, do work around the house (DH cooks when he is here, but it is left to me to tidy up, do the washing, dishwasher etc) and by the time DC is in bed I'm shattered. I used to want to go bed at 9, but have not compromised and try my best to stay up watching TV with him, but then he expects me to be cuddled up, rubbing and touching each other all night. I am starting to find it difficult to get comfortable at the moment, and just as I get comfy, he'll decide he wants to cuddle up and make me uncomfortable again and take it personally.

When I had DC I suffered with some pre and post natal anxiety, although it wasn't diagnosed at the time. I have had some counselling to overcome this and am working through the steps to stop it happening again, although a lot of it wasn't helped that when I was anxious about something, DH wouldn't listen to me and would call me stupid, an idiot and even threatened to leave. He won't take any responsibility for not helping me when I was struggling, but tells everyone it was all to do with me and that is why we have waited so long to have another.

He thinks nothing of telling me how attractive he find other women on TV (and I mean any woman) and how he could do so much better than me (I am overweight but have lost 4 stone in the last year - obviously some of this is going to go back on being pregnant but I am working really hard to try and keep my weight gain under control) but then thinks I should take it as a compliment that he still wants to come to bed with me.

It's come to a head last night as when we went to bed he started to cuddle up as usual but I hadn't even had chance to put my phone away or get comfortable so when I asked him to wait a minute he got in a strop and is now not talking to me.

I love him dearly and am really excited for this year, but the constant moaning, criticism and feeling like I'm not good enough is starting to get to me, especially with pregnancy hormones floating around!

Sorry for the rant!

It doesn’t sound like he loves you. Has he ever heard of in sickness and in health? When you were suffering he was not there for you.

Is he working? Maybe tell him you’re paying the rent or the mortgage so you need to work. I don’t see much to love about him

Oh my word. He sounds like a total arsehole. Telling you he finds other women attractive. That would be a dealbreaker for me. His just trying to make you feel small and inadequate. I would be saying to him if you think you deserve better than me there’s the door off you go ! Only way to deal with this nonsense is to stand up to it. Don’t allow it. Be strong and tell him you won’t tolerate this shit any longer. Oh and when your in bed and just got comfy fuck off and leave you be !

God he sounds insufferable. I ask this time again... who the hell raises these man-babies? I don't know why you'd be excited and thrilled for another year with a man who overtly lets you know you're less than. 'The women on tv are better than you, be grateful I'm still here.' What a message. What a winner you've landed!

Sorry to be so critical of the man you obviously love. I don't want to run your husband down entirely but he sounds like... well, a prick, tbh but he's your prick, so if you love him, you love him. What more can I say? He has way too much time on his hands. If only you could run him ragged on the playground like a 4 year old! Does he exercise/jog/have a hobby? He just sounds like he needs to expend some mental and physical energy. The fact that he can cuddle all night tells me he's not tired enough! Too much time on his hands. They're the worst husbands to live with because they're bored, demanding, petulant, and passive-aggressive. He's slightly tormenting you, OP. I don't know if you actually see this. I don't know if he does!

Your marriage works well when you don't have to spend time together, basically. And this time at home together has crystalised what your marriage actually is.

Why do women always say, "I love him dearly," or similar as mitigation for their partner's shit behaviour?

I dumped a man for telling me other women were beautiful while only telling me I looked nice occasionally. If it also carried an explicit criticism of me then there's no way I'd be doing anything that resulted in two children!

Why do so many women set such a low bar for themselves?

He has weird ideas about complements
However, why do you take your phone to bed? Obviously, if you ask to wait he should respect it but still phone in bed is a bad habit.

He sounds like a horrible man, and a big baby at the same time.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Its over really because of the abuses he has and continues to mete out to you (and in turn the children who will pick up on all this).

His sum total to this household is some cooking that probably takes about one hour at most. Its not hard to prepare meals and put them in the oven. He won't leave you though because he has a good set up with you doing the most amount of work here. He also likes having you around to abuse.

Women are not rehab centres for badly raised men and your man is coming across here also as completely insufferable. What is there to love about such a man?. Do you really love him or are you confusing that with codependency?. Apart from him acting entitled he is also abusive towards you; he has certainly been verbally abusive towards you. And now he is being emotionally abusive towards you; his silent treatment towards you is an example of that. Abuse is not just physical in nature.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up; did your father treat your mother like this?. After all, we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

I would seriously consider speaking to Womens Aid in your situation as well as seeking legal advice.

Why do you love him dearly? He's horrible. He doesn't give 2 shits about you, only about what he can take from you. Of course you don't want to give affection or have sex with someone who gives you absolutely fuck all. This is no kind of relationship, it really isn't.

Is he so stupid that he can’t understand that there’s the same number of hours between 8.30-16.30, and 9.00-17.00? That would put me off him, never mind everything else.

I'm not surprised you were anxious given that you've been living with an abuser for a prolonged period of time.

This is not normal or acceptable. I feel for your children being forced to live in an abusive home. It will damage them, whatever you tell yourself.

Women's Aid
Solicitor
Rights of Women
Freedom Programme
Police

He's been so stifling and controlling that he's given you no space to step back and realise just how unhealthy this relationship is and just how horrible he is.

You "love him dearly" because he's ground you down and you can't see the wood for the trees.

DH wouldn't listen to me and would call me stupid, an idiot and even threatened to leave. He won't take any responsibility for not helping me when I was struggling, but tells everyone it was all to do with me and that is why we have waited so long to have another.

This made me fucking rage and I don't even know you. How DARE he?!

A man who actually loved you, or even a decent man who didn't even know you, would never speak to you that way. Ever. It's even worse he did so when you were suffering from pre and post natal depression. You have skimmed over how bad this was in your mind because it's scary to think of leaving, but isn't it scarier to think of decades with someone who is such a prick?

He bullied you and even spoke to others about you poorly while you were at your most vulnerable. How can someone do that to someone they like and respect, let alone claim to love?

He's horrible. He's thoughtless. He's controlling and stifling dressed up as needy and insecure - which are both unhealthy regardless.

This isn't a man you can be with for much longer without it seriously affecting your mental health.

His behaviour has already ground you down and it will continue to do so until you are dust - until there's not much left of your original self so you think whatever he does is tolerable as you can't do better / don't deserve better. You can and you do.

He sounds incredibly selfish. It's all about him a s his wants and needs. When you don't bend over backwards to out his needs first he punishes you by sulking.
What an entitled asshole. Has he always been like this? If so, I don't see much chance of this changing.

Your post initially started off as normal relationship bickering, but ended up in “why are you even with him?” territory.

I’m not one to immediately dismiss a relationship and say leave, but there’s a massive backstory. You’ve already had counselling and he didn’t listen to you or take you seriously at the time. He tells others it’s all your fault you haven’t had smother etc. He puts you down and compares you to others. In a marriage you’re supposed to be a team, but it sounds like he despises you and plays others off against you.

Awful relationship.

The clue was in the fact it's best ye don't spend too much time together.

He sounds awful.

Lazy and selfish.

Such a pity you are bringing another child into this toxic.

Protect yourself because this sounds like a poisonous abusive environment where you are being harassed by him constantly.

Deeply unhealthy.

See support IRL and Women's Aid.

When you say he tried to "cuddle up", do you mean, was pushing for sex?

I started off reading this thinking he was a nice bloke and you might be being a bit unreasonable, halfway through I realise you're married to a complete wank badger.

Jesus Op. I felt suffocated just reading that post. You are married to a vile, selfish fucker. Sorry

What a pest. I'd have killed him stone dead long since!

What a complete arsehole. No way would I even look or touch a man who complimented other women and criticised me.

And you're pregnant and working - he should be doing more than his share around the house instead of pestering you.

What an idiot

It’s bizarre that working till 5pm and going to bed early is an issue for him.

It sounds to me like you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship. He criticises you

Do you really want to be with him?

He sounds utterly horrible. What exactly do you 'love dearly' about him? Just tell him to fuck off and stop pawing at you.

What is he doing with his days?

You love him dearly???

Why?

Is he working? If he’s not and you are, he should be doing all of the homeschooling and the housework. But anyway, your relationship is controlling.