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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is HE being unreasonable?

36 replies

Mumtothethreeamigos · 07/01/2021 19:28

Been with my bf a year. Spent 2 hrs at x mas with kids and their dad before going back for day to bf . Told bf ex and made an effort and it had beeen nice. In NYE ex took our kid to his gf for first time told my bf I felt weird about it. Said o should be there with kids not her abs didn’t like ex playing happy families with her (ex does little for kids and contributes barely no money ) BF has said I’m not over it, shouldn’t have stayed on x mas day and shouldn’t feel weird about kids being there and ended it over the phone. Now says he wants a break for a month. I think a month off is crazy and we should talk and work it out if he loves me which he says he does. Is he being unreasonable or am I?

OP posts:

Wanderlusto · 07/01/2021 19:36

You aren't being unreasonable to want to see your kids for a few hours on christmas if it falls on their dads weekend.

You are being unreasonable to think you should be with your ex on Nye instead of his new gf. You also are being unreasonable to share this sentiment with your current bf.

You bf is not unreasonable to have a problem if he thinks you are still hung up on your ex. But is being unreasonable to say you shouldnt see your kids on xmas.

He is also being unreasonable to ask for a month off from your relationship. All else aside, you are a person, not a contract of employment. I suspect he is looking for 'space' for some reason and using this current situation as an excuse.

EagleFlight · 07/01/2021 19:37

He wants to end things but it sounds like he isn’t brave enough to come out with that or else he wants you as a back up in case nobody else comes along.

category12 · 07/01/2021 19:43

A month off is strange. Either it's over or it's not - I don't think it's fair to keep you hanging for a month. I would end it myself, if I were you rather than do this dance.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of what's triggered this, a "month off" is bollocks and setting the scene for a ton of crap ongoing should you continue the relationship. Cut the rope now.

Original poster

Mumtothethreeamigos · 07/01/2021 20:16

Yup I agree about the month off thing. We’ve only had two disagreements over the year and both times he went awol and wouldn’t communicate with me. He’s very successful business wise and I do feel he is treating me like a contract of employment

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 07/01/2021 20:20

We’ve only had two disagreements over the year and both times he went awol and wouldn’t communicate with me.

This should be a deal breaker for you. It's passive-aggressive, abusive, immature fuckwittery, and it will only get worse.

Get rid of him.

Original poster

Mumtothethreeamigos · 07/01/2021 20:21

I agree. SO passive aggressive. Giving him 24 hours to cool off and get in touch and then will tell him to do one. The irony is he once told me you can only really know someone when things go wrong and you see how they react.

OP posts:

SeasonFinale · 07/01/2021 20:24

YABU.

He is giving you the month to see what you want. It sounds like you are more interested in your ex

Original poster

Mumtothethreeamigos · 07/01/2021 20:31

Ok I’ve spent a year devoted to him and telling how awful my marriage was and what a bastard my ex his (emotionally abusive) I’ve never ever chosen to spend any time with my ex at all. This x mas is the first time we’ve been in the same room for more than half an hour. My bf told me he didn’t want me to be friends with my ex on fb and that he didn’t like my ex being in my house when he came to collect the children once a fortnight. I split with my ex over three years ago and things are just civil. My bf knows all this. I constantly tell him how much I love and respect him. Just a bit of background info. I am a bit hung up on losing my ‘family’ ie the unit as I lost my dad young and wanted a family so much. That’s all it is. My bf knows this.

OP posts:

category12 · 08/01/2021 12:29

Yup I agree about the month off thing. We’ve only had two disagreements over the year and both times he went awol and wouldn’t communicate with me.

So this is a pattern of behaviour - you get the silent treatment and stonewalling should you step out of line. This is how he operates. Do yourself a favour and don't wait 24 hrs, dump him now.

category12 · 08/01/2021 12:45

What you tolerate in the beginning of a relationship sets the level it will remain at.

Original poster

Mumtothethreeamigos · 08/01/2021 13:38

But I do I tell him this is unacceptable or just end it outright?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumtothethreeamigos · 08/01/2021 13:39

I agreed to the month off in the heat of things but now just think it’s not the way I deal with issues in relationships. I talk things through. It all just feels very controlling

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 08/01/2021 13:50

No he is not being unreasonable. Being in a relationship with someone with kids is at best hard, at worst absolutely rubbish, and you don't sound understanding or empathetic about it at all, so he is probably best cutting his losses. Maybe try and actually put yourself in his shoes rather than just viewing things from your own perspective.

Original poster

Mumtothethreeamigos · 08/01/2021 14:16

He has kids too

OP posts:

Wanderlusto · 08/01/2021 16:24

Yeh it's like a punishment for a naughty child or something.

I wouldn't want to go to bed angry with a partner let alone for a whole month. Adults talk through issues and come to resolutions. He isnt allowing you to do that.

IfTheSockFits · 08/01/2021 16:34

@Mumtothethreeamigos

You and your ex are being civil for the sake of the children, and like it or not, your bf does not get a say in how you and your ex do what is best for the dc.

I suspect that your bf thinks you are still carrying a torch for your ex, and he doesn't entirely trust you to 'behave' when you and your ex are together. He's jealous and insecure. Diddums.

Newernewist · 08/01/2021 16:48

Block him
So when he wonders why your not begging him back and trys to contact you he cant
He sounds controlling and emotional abusive.
It's all on his terms, take the control back and get rid.

category12 · 08/01/2021 18:16

Personally I'd tell him it's unacceptable and end it outright.

This is the third time he's decided to cut you off, and he's really upping the ante by deciding to punish you with a "break" for a month.

Fuck that noise. Have more self-respect than to keep allowing him to strop in and out of your life.

Lemonpiano · 08/01/2021 18:20

Ok I’ve spent a year devoted to him and telling how awful my marriage was and what a bastard my ex his (emotionally abusive)

Do you think that was a healthy basis for a relationship? Because I find it really concerning.

Not only has it gone far too fast, but you've simultaneously treated him like your therapist and given him the keys to exploit your vulnerability.

You would be better off spending time alone recovering from the abuse and resetting your boundaries and expectations for healthy relationships. This relationship isn't healthy.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/01/2021 18:23

Ok I’ve spent a year devoted to him and telling how awful my marriage was and what a bastard my ex his (emotionally abusive)

My bf told me he didn’t want me to be friends with my ex on fb and that he didn’t like my ex being in my house when he came to collect the children once a fortnight.

None of this sounds very healthy to be honest, it smacks of early codependence that is continuing a year on... as it always does. From the outside the stuff above sounds intense in an unhealthy way from both sides.

Original poster

Mumtothethreeamigos · 08/01/2021 18:25

I didn’t get with him until three years after my marriage ended and really haven’t used him as therapy - sorry it sounded that way. I was just trying to make it clear that there is NO way I want me ex and that he is being unreasonable to think I do because I spent an hour with him x mas day whilst our children opened their presents. It’s just crazy.

OP posts:

Amira19 · 08/01/2021 18:25

It does read like you constantly spoke about him and not over the loss of the family unit. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who spoke about their ex all the Time either. I get you wanted to see the dc Christmas but why are you so bothered about the dc spending time with you're existing partner. That would be a red flag for me.sorry op.

category12 · 08/01/2021 18:33

When you've been in one emotionally abusive relationship, it's very easy to fall into another.

The silent treatment and punishment by withdrawal are emotionally abusive behaviours.

Original poster

Mumtothethreeamigos · 08/01/2021 18:34

Not codependent but yes unhealthy. He moved it very fast and almost encouraged me to be step mum to his level year old daughter. Expected me to come over every weekend I didn’t have the kids and then play happy families, all meals with him and his kids. Doing everything with his daughter and allowing her to smother me totally and nag me constantly to do things with her. Laughing when she said I was her best friend and she felt jealous when I spent time with him not her. I spoke to him about her dependence and my concerns and nothing changed. Yet he resents me spending time with my mum on Boxing Day and said he had assumed I would spend the time with him and her and was angry I spent the hour with ex and my kids x mas day. He’s invited my kids to his house twice in a year. He and his daughter come to my house every weekend I have my kids and I go to his house every weekend I don’t have my kids. If I see fiends he seems annoyed. It is controlling in hindsight. He regularly freezes me out or ‘punishes ‘ me if I annoy him.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/01/2021 18:53

What an unhealthy relationship for all involved, including the kids who have seen an emotionally abusive one and now another unhealthy one. I really think you should break up as it's not working for anyone.

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