Page 2 | Is HE being unreasonable?

Mumtothethreeamigos · 2021-01-07T19:28:51+00:00

Been with my bf a year. Spent 2 hrs at x mas with kids and their dad before going back for day to bf . Told bf ex and made an effort and it had beeen nice. In NYE ex took our kid to his gf for first time told my bf I felt weird about it. Said o should be there with kids not her abs didn’t like ex playing happy families with her (ex does little for kids and contributes barely no money ) BF has said I’m not over it, shouldn’t have stayed on x mas day and shouldn’t feel weird about kids being there and ended it over the phone. Now says he wants a break for a month. I think a month off is crazy and we should talk and work it out if he loves me which he says he does. Is he being unreasonable or am I?

Bluntness100 · 08/01/2021 18:58

I can see his point of view. You didn’t say you were sad thr kids were with him and not you on New Years, You said you were sad she was with your kids and ex and it should have been you “there” with him instead.

It does sound like jealousy. You also you say spend a lot of time talking about your ex, albeit about how awful your marriage was, and then when you did get to spend time with him came back and told him how nice it was.

I can see his side to be honest. If you keep mentioning your ex, if you tell him you think you should be there with him and not his new girlfriend etc, tell him how nice it was with him etc, it all adds up

Blanca87 · 08/01/2021 19:02

I hope you will dump him. He wants to control you whilst you parent his child. Listen to your gut this is not a healthy relationship to expose your children or yourself to.

samyeagar · 08/01/2021 19:17

@Bluntness100

I can see his point of view. You didn’t say you were sad thr kids were with him and not you on New Years, You said you were sad she was with your kids and ex and it should have been you “there” with him instead.

It does sound like jealousy. You also you say spend a lot of time talking about your ex, albeit about how awful your marriage was, and then when you did get to spend time with him came back and told him how nice it was.

I can see his side to be honest. If you keep mentioning your ex, if you tell him you think you should be there with him and not his new girlfriend etc, tell him how nice it was with him etc, it all adds up

Yeah, reading that original post, my first thought was that the poster is still hung up on the ex, and that the ex is taking up waaaay too much mental and emotional real estate.

If things are still like this after a year with the new guy, and three years divorced...yikes... wishing she'd been there on NYE with the ex and child rather than him playing happily family with the new girl friend...the venom just oozes...

Original poster

Mumtothethreeamigos · 08/01/2021 19:44

Not at all. So over him and I think it was that I wasn’t happy with current bf. Things just always on his terms and I felt like my ex was having the kids and having a lovely time. Yeah I worded it badly but really I think I meant I wasn’t happy there with bf so maybe he has a point. I haven’t talked about me ex constantly. Just been open about what it was like making the decision to leave and that it was hard for me to love again and how lucky I felt to have met him after having a bad time before . These threads are hard as you only get a snap shot. My issues is should we be taking a month out ? Is that ok? Or should he just end it instead.

OP posts:

samyeagar · 08/01/2021 20:12

@Mumtothethreeamigos

Not at all. So over him and I think it was that I wasn’t happy with current bf. Things just always on his terms and I felt like my ex was having the kids and having a lovely time. Yeah I worded it badly but really I think I meant I wasn’t happy there with bf so maybe he has a point. I haven’t talked about me ex constantly. Just been open about what it was like making the decision to leave and that it was hard for me to love again and how lucky I felt to have met him after having a bad time before . These threads are hard as you only get a snap shot. My issues is should we be taking a month out ? Is that ok? Or should he just end it instead.

And so what if the ex was there having a simply lovely time with the kids and his new girlfriend? Why was that your emotional fall back when you weren't happy with your current boyfriend?

It's fine if that bothers you, but the fact that you have the feelings you are having, that strong emotion is triggered by your ex is the very definition of not being over him.

Not being over him doesn't mean you want to get back together with him, and I am sure you don't want to get back together with your ex, but not being over someone only means you are giving them, and they they are taking up way to much mental and emotional real estate than they are entitled to.

samyeagar · 08/01/2021 20:37

I know this is an extreme example, but early on, about maybe 8 months into dating my now wife, she went into a funk for several days, and she finally explained what was going on by showing me a bunch of explicit pictures she had of her six years divorced from ex husband and his affair partners.

I told her she was fine to work through or embrace that however she wanted, but that I would not be in a relationship where I had to emotionally support someone through their pain shopping over their ex.

I mean, here she was, six years later, and she was still holding on to her anger, no way she was going back to him, but had clearly not let go or moved past him either.

Original poster

Mumtothethreeamigos · 08/01/2021 21:05

Ok so maybe there is some pain still but does that mean I shouldn’t be with someone else? I really don’t want to be with ex. I have apologised to bf but just don’t know what else to do if he blanks me. Don’t we all get a bit emotional at x mas? It’s a tricky time of year. I am still hurt but the rejection from my ex but that doesn’t mean I don’t love my bf . I don’t know what to think anymore

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samyeagar · 08/01/2021 21:49

Wanting to be with someone else, and actually being with someone else are two different things. It is quite natural to want to have a partner, but sometimes one is not healed enough from their past pain to be able to be with someone else yet.

I am ten years out from divorcing my ex wife, eight years with my current wife, and I can honestly say that during this whole time, my wife has dwelled on and thought about my ex far more than I have. It never crossed my mind to spend a holiday with my ex and her new family, even with our kids there.

samyeagar · 08/01/2021 22:03

I am not trying to make you feel bad, it's just that this is extremely similar to what my wife and I went through early in our relationship.

She had been divorced from her physically, emotionally, sexually, financially abusive cheating ex husband for six years when we met. Yet she would still react to things he said and did, some things that didn't even involve her, that were none of her business, she still reacted.

There was nothing wrong with that per se, but it was not healthy for me to stay in a relationship where I had to manage her emotional well being with regards to her ex that she was still clearly devoting significant emotional real estate to. Emotional energy that should have been directed to our relationship not her old one, and I had no desire to have to give my emotional energy to her ex husband, which was what I was having to do. She was classically emotionally unavailable.

What actually snapped her out of it was when I explained to her that I could not be in a relationship with someone who was so strongly emotionally tied to her ex, and suggested that we take some time apart.

Original poster

Mumtothethreeamigos · 08/01/2021 22:37

Thanks for input I really haven’t given my ex that much attention. I rarely think of him and the only time I’ve felt bothered is nye and that’s because he does so little for the kids and then parades them about as if he is number one parent. I agree it’s maybe not healthy to mind but it just pisses me off that I work so hard to look after them and it’s really hard. He dips in when he feels like it but really doesn’t do a lot. I never want to be with him or spend a holiday with him. I turned down his offer of x mas say together to spend it with my bf. anyway. This has turned into a debate about whether I’m over my ex and how much time o give him emotionally. I know it’s none. It was a one off. I don’t give a crap what he does and never choose to spend time with him or feel bitter or angry about him. I actually don’t think of him much at all apart from for logistically reasons with the kids

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/01/2021 22:43

It's difficult for people to gauge though OP as you said this:

Ok I’ve spent a year devoted to him and telling how awful my marriage was and what a bastard my ex his (emotionally abusive)

And now say this:

I don’t give a crap what he does and never choose to spend time with him or feel bitter or angry about him.

The last bit of that sounds very at odds with what you said before.

You know your relationship best, but as it was rushed at the beginning and has had an undercurrent of intensity related to your ex (the above and also your current partner being controlling re you having ex on fb /pick up times etc) it does sound like maybe some time apart to chill and reassess might be wise.