Thought of a future with DP fills me with dread

[Pesopasodoble]

This is so revealing I feel terrible writing it down.
My p and I have been together since I was 16. We have grown into completely different people. I am an optimist, extroverted, ambitious, disorganised, very laidback with my parenting but (I like to think) kind. My p has become grumpy, introverted, right wing, anxious, a strict (but also angry) parent and very distrusting of the world.
I want to leave but is it enough? I feel like some days it's easier to stay. Keep quiet. Have good friendship. Build up my escape fund.
Today I thought about the future and just felt dread. That I'd have to stay in this house where I can't say what I think and can't be myself. Where I have to apologise to my kids for 'grumpy daddy' every night.
I can't do it much longer.

Yes it's enough of a reason to leave. Build your escape fund first if you need to, but but don't hang on a minute longer than you need to. It's not good for your mental health to be afraid to say what's on your mind.

@peso, I think that what you've described is enough, it's ok to want to be happy in life and it's more than ok to want something different for your children than a grumpy dad.

Yes that is definitely enough.

When you reach the point where imagining a future with your partner fills you with dread, you know it's over. Your relationship is awful, and the way he treats the children is unacceptable. Imagine what his abuse is doing to them, and how disastrously it will affect their future. You have more than enough very good reasons to leave.

I don't know if it is abuse to be honest. It's more the contrast between us. The children love him, if they wake up and it's his day to look after them they are excited but I notice that he doesn't talk to them or play with them much. But I guess they do enjoy his company.

Where I have to apologise to my kids for 'grumpy daddy' every night.

I don't think it's fair to force children to live like this.

Of course they're excited when it's his day - it's the hope of him changing and behaving like he loves them. They want him to want them. And he consistently rejects them.

If picturing a future with him fills you with dread, that is reason enough to leave.

It is possible that you don't bring out the best in each other. If he is an anxious introvert, then living with a disorganised extrovert who (probably in his view) lets the children away with too much is only going to make him more uptight.

I feel for you, I'm in the same (ish) position.
If I lived closer to my family I would leave tomorrow. Its more than reason enough to want a better / happier atmosphere for yourself and the children.
The only advice is make sure you are ready and able to leave, as I guess you will need the reserves to support / reassure the children. (assuming they might need extra support as I don't know how they will react or feel)

Good luck to you x

@TheYearOfSmallThings I think there is an element of truth in this. Everything about me annoys him. And I feel about him the same way I do about a racist cousin, a small amount of loyalty but an overall uncomfortableness.

@Myoneandonlyds sending thoughts. I wish it were different. Sometimes things go well for a day or two but then it all goes back again. I would leave but it's mostly my house!

Yes! Exactly that. On the good days you almost can slip into "this isn't so bad" but then it quickly reverts back to the same old trying to grin and bare it.
Potentially put it on the market and agree a % share or remortgage and a pay off?
Just think of the freedom!

@Myoneandonlyds I don't know about your situation but I know my p has depression, but does nothing about it apart from drink too much. So I don't think we can move past it. I just feel this cold, shivery dread come over me when he gets home.

I feel the same about my OH. I imagine a life without him, holidays on my own, where I might speak to someone interesting and upbeat...I’m planning my escape.

You've described my life ...... with my ex husband. I am now truly happy in a life that looks the way I want it to. Good luck with whatever you decide - it's not easy with kids x

You can plan an exit without committing to using it. Consult a solicitor. Look at places to live / think of how you would redecorate. Plan out how your days will be when you have separated. Work out how to make it so. If you decide that actually you should stay then no harm done. If you decide life is intolerable with him and you must leave then you have removed some big unknowns so can move ahead faster.

You mention 'mostly your house' could you explain a bit more?

@willowmelangell I paid the deposit, he's paid two years mortgage whilst I've paid other expenses, childcare etc. Unfortunately not tennants in common.

I think it's definitely a very valid reason to leave him. I grew up with an angry father. My mother enabled him and made excuses for him (he's tired, he has low patience levels, he didn't have a good childhood etc etc) and his behaviour has caused me long term mental health issues and conditions that I will never recover from.

Oh absolutely leave he sounds like he would suck the joy out of my life too.

@whitechocolatehobnobs thank you, I know this deep down. Hope you get the support you need.

Living with a 'grumpy daddy' who dictates the mood of the household is bloody miserable for the kids as well as the mum. You're doing the right thing considering leaving him, they're learning that it's their job to regulate other peoples moods. Especially heartbreaking if they are girls learning it's their job to regulate men's moods.

If you are not compatible it will bring out the worst character traits you both have - even if you aren't abusive. Bad relationships can make otherwise good people do bad things, and if that is the case you cannot be good parents in that sort of relationship together. But you could be better parents apart.

Sounds very familiar OP. I think DH and I bring out the worst in each other too. Im not sure I'd call DH an angry father, but he's certainly snappy and lacks patience. It's hard on everyone dealing with his moods.

I do tend to say when our eldest asks why daddy yells so much that that was how he grew up, not as an excuse, so DS8 can see where the behaviour comes from and that's its not about him. If DH is over the line I don't side with him or excuse, the kids know it's not an OK way to act. I'm trying to reduce the impact on the kids because he's always going to be their dad and he's done nothing that would stop him getting 50/50 shared care, which is very common in our country. Not in UK. DS8 can see his dad's dad has the same crabby moods and yells too much. DH is getting better at dealing with their SN.

Im working towards separation, but it's not exactly a solution, they'll still have to deal with him. 3 boys, our eldest adhd/anxiety won't even talk to his dad about anything meaningful. Doing counselling right now, trying to get him in a place he's feeling comfortable communicating with his dad so we can separate. Slowly getting supports in place for my boys so they can cope without me there every day. Though some days when I'm once again having to advocate and communicate on our eldests behalf with his dad I can't see how we'll ever get there.

@HereIAmOnceAgain it's so difficult isn't it. I have no doubts that he loves them but he doesn't seem able to stop bringing his own anger and frustration into the home.
Yesterday, for example, he came home and was very visibly in a bad mood. I then told him that I hadn't got around to making a phone call about house/ financial stuff and he flew off the handle, telling me that he was stressed and why hadn't I prioritised it (we both work FT.) He used that as an excuse all evening for snapping at the DC's and being a general arse. I took myself out of the situation by reading to the children upstairs and using the upstairs tv, but it feels like we hide from him sometimes. And he never bothers to come find us.
Planning to find out the cost of a nearby flat and giving him the money for a deposit. Not sure I could afford the mortgage on our family home though.
Might have to look at doing some bank shifts to make ends meet.

I had a husband like this and yes, we'd grown into different people. I left, I couldn't bear thinking about living to old age with such a person. Please go, you can't live like this and an unhappy family life isn't good for the children.