Thought of a future with DP fills me with dread

[Pesopasodoble]

This is so revealing I feel terrible writing it down.
My p and I have been together since I was 16. We have grown into completely different people. I am an optimist, extroverted, ambitious, disorganised, very laidback with my parenting but (I like to think) kind. My p has become grumpy, introverted, right wing, anxious, a strict (but also angry) parent and very distrusting of the world.
I want to leave but is it enough? I feel like some days it's easier to stay. Keep quiet. Have good friendship. Build up my escape fund.
Today I thought about the future and just felt dread. That I'd have to stay in this house where I can't say what I think and can't be myself. Where I have to apologise to my kids for 'grumpy daddy' every night.
I can't do it much longer.

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

I don't think he cares how she feels and such entitled men are unlikely to actually sit down and listen to what their woman is telling them. All he seems to care about is his own self.

Children love their parents anyway OP no matter how abusive they are. They are also after any crumbs of attention he cares to throw in their direction. He in turn consistently rejects them.

Building up an escape fund also can take time. I would firm up plans to leave asap, this is not a good relationship model for you or your kids to be seeing. You met this man as well when you were a child, time to set yourself free from his tyranny.

I had the conversation with him this time last year. Then the pandemic happened and he could conveniently blame that for not being happier, more tolerant, coming on more family days out or doing more with the children. He did homeschool them for six weeks but due to necessity not because he wanted to.

I only asked as my ex repeatedly said Id never told him how I felt and given us a chance when I could hand on heart say Id repeatedly told him over about 2 years, threw him out once, slept in separate rooms.... but when I got papers drawn up it seemed to come as a surprise

I spent the majority of my childhood either hiding upstairs or crying due to my 'grumpy father' OP. You know it's no way to live.

@Pesopasodoble

You are describing my exact situation. I know how you feel. I have only been married a short-time but we have one toddler and I'm pregnant with our second. I sold my flat that I owned by myself and we bought a family home together - but all the deposit was mine - and we share the mortgage. I didn't even know about tenants in common as an option - I'm so annoyed as he put in 0 money but apparently owns half even though we've only paid 6 months worth of mortgage as we moved recently

Anyway - he has got so right wing, so miserable, grumpy, self-pitying. Everything is awful all of the time. He loves the kids and he seems to love me but he is so so anxious but refuses to get any help, refuses to talk to me about it. He has started muttering to himself, i hear him full on talking to himself when i'm not in the room. He is constantly on about money problems and spending/bills even though we are comfortable and both have secure FT jobs. He is so so negative about everything. I know it's probably mental health and maybe I should be more supportive - but he won't accept help, gets angry if i suggest there is a problem, he hates his job but when i suggest him going part-time/moving role he doesn't want to - when i suggest he just quits and i'll find more work somehow he doesn't. He doesnt' want help, doesn't want to listen to options.

I know through better through worse and all that, but i'm in my thirties, i love my two kids, i've got a job i like (kind of) and I want to enjoy life - I feel like he is another child that I need to look after, constantly checking if he's ok, trying to cheer him up, sort stuff out - he has no drive, no ambition, he has fewer and fewer friends because he refuses to message anyone back.

I probably sound like a right b*tch. Maybe I do. But i want to be happy. And if he was willing to get help or speak to someone about his anxiety and unhappiness - then I'd be with him every step of the way

WOW. Sorry to go off on on one. I just feel so similar to you and I don't kow what to suggest. But I think you deserve to be happy. As do I. But i don't know how i'd cope with shared custody and i don't want to lose our family home and i don't want the kids to grow up in a difficult home. If I left him - I think he would become so difficult and so so depressed & the kids would be affected

@PennyBea are you me? Relate to so much of this. And the previous comments about it fluctuating between not being too bad and then thinking I can’t live like this forever.
I know we need to call it a day, but can’t quite make the leap

I’m female, right-wing ie independent minded by Mumsneta standard, not especially extrovert - but a mostly nurturing and responsible parent I would say!

You sound like you are not matched in any way and you actively dislike him.

It’s clearly time to move on. The sewer of resentment and disagreement will just grow between you and infect the whole family if it hasn’t already.

@PennyBea although the ownership is joint, during a divorce the share of equity the wife and husband end up when DC are involved depends more on other things, like who has what percentage of care for the kids, money needed to provide home for DC, income you each have, time off for caring duties and so on. See a solicitor, you may find you're entitled to keep more of the equity than you think. If you were dp it would I believe just be 50/50 division of joint property but being married with DC can change that.

I’m female, right-wing ie independent minded by Mumsneta standard

How does being right wing means you're independent minded?

If you dread the future, there's only one option. It's tough but you've only one life. I did the same when I was 40 because I honestly felt I had no other option, like the negativity and passive aggresion was going to kill me in the end.

The DC's survived, they are all now in their 20's and actually, they have a very good relationship with him. Being a part time dad seemed to give him the emotional space to be much less grumpy with them.

He never had another date much less a relationship but life seems to suit him as a single man.

Good luck!

Do you know why your p is stressed?
He may not like being the way he is either.

Is he overworked? Doesnt like his job?
When did he change his behaviour? Did it change suddenly? Does he know you are deeply unhappy at least some of the time and thinking about leaving?

I was the child of two very different parents, with a very grumpy and difficult father. He never played with us or really had any interaction with either me or my brother and we used to tread on eggshells round him constantly. We preferred it when he wasn't there. I'm not saying this is the case for you but when he finally left (he cheated on my mum) we were glad he'd gone.

In the 20 or so years that have passed since I've seen him maybe 10 times.

How are you @Pesopasodoble ?

This lockdown has been really rough for everyone and I thought of you this morning. Have you moved on at all?

The only reason you need to leave him is that you’re not happy with him. That’s it. You don’t need any other reason. It doesn’t work for you anymore.

It’s already over.

I am in a similar position as well, we got together when I was 19, he is older and I feel like I've grown up and apart from my DH. He is also so negative about everything whereas I feel like its important to be positive for a happy life

We've also got very different views on covid, he thinks I'm a sheep and I actually have had to put a stop on all covid conversations because I just don't want to hear it anymore!

I did have a shouty period with the children in lockdown 1 but I called the GP, started medication and bought some parenting books for coping strategies. In comparison he gets angry with them but doesn't ever do anything differently or feel he needs to. If we split I think we'd all be so much happier but I can't seem to make the split yet.

A long one but I know just how you feel OP

@Doidontimmm

I only asked as my ex repeatedly said Id never told him how I felt and given us a chance when I could hand on heart say Id repeatedly told him over about 2 years, threw him out once, slept in separate rooms.... but when I got papers drawn up it seemed to come as a surprise

My ex said that when I left. I'd tried to talk to him, told him in a note I left him to find when DC and I moved out (in secret, cos he was abusive), and he still told people he didn't know why I left.

He just didn't want to listen, because he was all right, he didn't give a shit about how we felt.

I knew he had right wing beliefs, but I never expected that he was such a racist, sexist, misogynistic, homophobic, xenophobic, etc, etc rubbish he was spouting during Brexit, he turned into someone I didn't know. That just added an extra layer to the reasons for leaving.

He also had depression. Expected me to suck it up and did nothing to help himself until after I left.

OP, your reasons for leaving are more than enough. Don't wait 30 years like I did.