Love & hurt & me being foolish

[22xo]

This is going to be long guys, please advice me on what to do..

I’ve been dating this guy for a month now, we’re both 22. He came out of prison last year feb (let’s call him s) & there’s his ex who is a psycho and won’t leave him alone... some fake account started sending me abuse which we later found out wasn’t her and this prompted her to snitch on S and he was arrested for 24hrs 3 days ago.

Abit of background, he used to live in London & was in prison in London. And he moved to notts. So after his ex snitched the police were looking for him so he went back to London and is now out on bail and has to stay in London until his court date with 4 charges against him. In the time he was outside of prison he managed to start his own barber shop.

Moving on the day after he was arrested and out he goes to see his ex for reasons I don’t know, and now he’s telling me she looks pregnant so they’re going to do a pregnancy test. They were together whilst he was in prison and a few months after. So 6-8 months he has been single before meeting me.

S is now telling me she is pregnant and it’s his but his ex has also just found out about me & him and if she was pregnant she had months to get in contact with him but all of a sudden she is now.

Sorry I feel really stupid and after a bad heart break I decided to give things another go and I genuinely thought he was the one, he treated me so good..

Do I just forget about him and move on??

At the moment I’m just overthinking everything and I feel like I’ve been played and strung along in yet another relationship

You need to block him on all channels and rebuild your life.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of a parental example were you shown?. That is also likely also why you have made such poor choices of men to date and you're only 22!. You will end up being 32 and still choosing shit men to date if you do not sort both your life and pitifully low relationship bar out. Why have you gotten at all involved with someone like this person?. Is he all you think you deserve because your self worth is through the floor?.

You need to take a good and long hard look at your part in this overall dysfunction as to how and why this happened at all. You absolutely need to unlearn all the crap you have learnt about relationships along the way as well as totally reassessing your approach to relationships.

I would urge you to enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid and start to love your own self for a change. I would also urge you to read "Women who love too much" by Dr Robin Norwood.

He's a complete scumbag. Get rid and block.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I never really had the love I wanted when I was growing up. It’s like I chase love and want to be loved by others and comforted.

I am so sorry that you did not have the love you should have had when you were growing up. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and it absolutely looks like you were dealt a crap hand. That is on them, these people let you down abjectly.

Many chase love because we see no worth in ourselves. Our self-esteem is so eroded that we look to others to tell us that we have value or that we are worth loving. In this route, we can never find happiness. When our value is only acknowledged in the eyes of others, we are left hollow and with no connection to who we truly are. You’ll stop chasing love when you begin to accept your intrinsic value.
One of the most basic ways to let go of your need for romantic validation is to get back in touch with your passions. Passions are passions for a reason. You can think of them like “hints” — guiding us toward those skills, persons and experiences which can provide us with meaning and contentment. When we reconnect with our passions, we reconnect with our skills, our interests and, therefore, our confidence. Stop chasing love and start chasing your passions again and you’ll be surprised by what you find.

The more comfortable you get in celebrating who you are, the more you will come to see yourself in a new and more positive light. Break away from this need for external validation; you are good enough. Focus on rebuilding your confidence from the ground up through counselling.

The only person who can determine your life is you. Only you have the knowledge and the power to affect the change you’re looking for in your future. Stop dumbing yourself down and walling yourself up all in the name of ideals that have nothing to do with who you truly are. When you break beyond the barrier and start taking action for yourself, you will what you truly want from your life. Until then, you’re lost in someone else’s smokescreen and far, far removed from honest love.

Do you think you'll enjoy prison visiting? Because if you stay with the likes of this you'll be doing a lot of it.
Leave his ex to raise her child with a dad who's in and out of prison. And in future set your sights a bit higher than the dregs. Let's face it, even as a criminal he's proved himself a failure!

@AttilaTheMeerkat thankyou so much, I’ll try and take on board everything you have said. I know it’ll be hard as I’ve never not been without a guy since the age of 17. But I don’t know who I am anymore, and I know I can’t live chasing men who don’t actually value me.

Move on.
This is a high level of drama to be involved in this wont pan out well for you.
And im deeply suspect about any man who labels their ex as a psycho... this isn't a trustworthy man. Ill bet you any money he is not filling you in with all the details of everything he's done.
When you are young you just accept these narratives. I know from experience. I was with an ex con in my early twenties. I felt sorry for him and I bought into his tale of woe (which also included a supposedly psycho ex)
It did not work out well for me. He lied and cheated and in the end even started physically abusing me. And it turned out he had also abused his ex.

What a catch I would seriously and kindly suggest you get some therapy to work on your self esteem if any part of you considers anything else than running a mile from this prince amongst men. Sorry to be blunt but I’m just not even sure where else to start. Life isn’t an episode of hollyoaks you know. There is a real life child about to be brought into this mess.

Move on.

Move on! You deserve so much better.

Listen to Attila. Take some time out and be single for a while till you really believe for yourself that you're worth more.

Please please please be strong on this one. Walk away and do not look back and work on yourself. Think of the kind of future you want xxxxx

@Unicant

Move on. This is a high level of drama to be involved in this wont pan out well for you. And im deeply suspect about any man who labels their ex as a psycho... this isn't a trustworthy man. Ill bet you any money he is not filling you in with all the details of everything he's done. When you are young you just accept these narratives. I know from experience. I was with an ex con in my early twenties. I felt sorry for him and I bought into his tale of woe (which also included a supposedly psycho ex) It did not work out well for me. He lied and cheated and in the end even started physically abusing me. And it turned out he had also abused his ex.

Literally this. When I was OLD as soon as a guy labelled an ex as a psycho I'd be done. Very rarely is a girl ever "psycho" without reason. I know it's hard but please just block him and get rid

“Listen to Attila. Take some time out and be single for a while till you really believe for yourself that you're worth more.”

This with bells on.

Stop trying to find a partner. You are doing it from a position of need which is damaging to you - it makes you willing to put up with shit and makes you vulnerable to chancers. Read up on the shark cave - you will find it interesting: www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/. Follow Attila's suggestions and you will put yourself in much better position for having a healthy relationship and for life generally.

When I was 18, my father told me: "Never believe what a man tells you about his love life". It's not really what a young woman wants to hear from her father but every single time I have seen this tested it has turned out to be true - I'm talking dozens of occasions. I even mentioned this to a good male friend of mine some years ago (I'm well into middle age now) and he agreed. It becomes less relevant as you get older because most people have quite a history by the time they reach their 30s. The only reason I believe my DH didn't lie to me about his sexual history is because he told me things which I found quite hard to get my head around at first (i.e. "you've slept with how many people!!??"/"you did what with whom?" etc).

But when they're trying to get you romantically interested, many men will say what they think you want to hear, not what is necessarily true. These aren't bad men - they're men that I or my friends have known and liked, and - usually - remained in relationships with after the truth was revealed. Goodness knows why men feel the need to do this - some kind of misplaced, somewhat sexist perception that women are somehow more innocent in sexual matters than men or that they will be jealous of the men's past if they're honest (that's what I was told when I picked a partner up on the contradictory stories he had told me). This is also why you should always insist on condom use until you are well into a steady relationship. And why you should pay much more attention to actions rather than words.

And be very wary of any man who talks about psycho exes. Just occasionally an ex is genuinely psycho. Usually she's not. So if a man talks about psycho exes, it's usually an indication that he has treated his exes very badly.

You're only 22, OP. You'll get this sorted. Do as Attila suggests and you will be fine. Stop trying to find a relationship for now. Everyone should spend at least a year or two single as an adult so that they develop self-knowledge and self-reliance.

[quote 22xo]@Nomoresleeps I looked passed the prison part as with me he was kind, gentle and caring..[/quote]
For future reference don't 'look past the prison part'

To be honest I didn’t even get past the fact that you’re 22 and only been seeing him a month to know that you should end it. If you’re posting on here about someone you’ve known a month, then you need to move on. Then I got to all the crap about prison etc. Yes, it does seem foolish - there are some people who mistake the adrenaline they get from crazy shit, for love.

Read and re-read what @AttilaTheMeerkat said as they are spot on.

You're probably mistaking intensity for love. Unfortunately, that means you're drawn to manipulators, abusers and plain old dickheads because they bring drama which leads to what feels like intensity which you then think is passion and love. It isn't.

You need to invest in some counselling to explore why you feel this way in order to be able to change the dynamics of how you interact with men when dating and in a relationship. Especially as you've not been single ever as an adult.

It would be life changing for you and could be the difference between visiting someone in prison because you feel obliged as you have a child with them OR being with someone who is actually lovely to you, with whom you could have a drama free, calm, kind dynamic that is fun and simple. That latter is possible, I promise.

At the moment you're extremely vulnerable to unhealthy, dysfunctional and even dangerous relationships so I don't think you should be dating at all until you've worked on yourself - that's not a criticism, it's advice from someone who has been through some similar issues with mistaking intensity for love.

I never really had the love I wanted when I was growing up. It’s like I chase love and want to be loved by others and comforted

No more relationships until you've come to terms with this, you're not ready.

Everyone should spend at least a year or two single as an adult so that they develop self-knowledge and self-reliance.

Absolutely! It will stand in good stead throughout the vagaries of life.

Self-knowledge is self-actualisation and self-power.

He is a loser why would you want to be with him ...

I’ve tried to end things with him & he’s saying his gona come and see me after his court date as he wants to talk to me. And as for the ex, he said he doesn’t know if it’s his but she’s saying it is

You don't have to just do what he says you know
If you don't want to see him, don't

@22xo

I’ve tried to end things with him & he’s saying his gona come and see me after his court date as he wants to talk to me. And as for the ex, he said he doesn’t know if it’s his but she’s saying it is

Love, with kindness, grow a bit of backbone and tell him he is NOT coming to see you

@22xo

I’ve tried to end things with him & he’s saying his gona come and see me after his court date as he wants to talk to me. And as for the ex, he said he doesn’t know if it’s his but she’s saying it is

Tell him you don't want to talk further so he needs to stop contacting you. If he doesn't, tell him you'll report him for harassment. Pretty sure he won't want any further police involvement and if he won't leave you alone once you've said that then it's best the police are involved so following through and contacting them will be the right thing to do. Men do not get to dictate the terms of your relationships. You don't want to see him any more. That's it. It's that simple. Anyone can stop seeing someone for any reason, at any time. You happen to have bloody good reasons but he is a manipulator and you are vulnerable so if you see him in person he will confuse you and talk you round. Tell him your mind is made up, nothing to discuss and that you don't want contact again at all.

It is not easy to get into prison. You don't get a prison sentence for stealing a packet of sweets from the newsagent. Thinking back to when I was your age, I went for complex characters who needed 'rescuing' and 'giving a chance'. At mid-life, I realised the folly of that reasoning and how it was all about my own ego thinking I could help them to be a better person (Florence Nightingale eat your heart out). Leopards don't change their spots and your man sounds like a walking car crash on many levels. Run for the hills while you are young and not so worn down by him (and others like him) that you stop wishing for more. You definitely need to get some counselling to boost your self esteem and stop accepting rubbish treatment from other people. Other people treat you badly only if you let them.

OP, this is now way to live. @AttilaTheMeerkat has some excellent advice, and can be the difference between you wasting the rest of your life on shitty mean who mistreat you, and finding a relationship where you are valued.

Please don't let him come see you. Be firm, though you will find it hard. But think if you were talking to your 10 year old self - would you want to tell her she's going to end up with a lying convict who doesn't respect her? Wouldn't you want more for her?

There is nothing good with this man. And to avoid falling for similar types, you should take time to focus on you. What are your interests, hobbies, what sort of career do you want, what things do you want to experience? Then take time out from dating and live your life! Away from shitty men, live it till you feel confident and secure in who you are. Then you can date - because you'll be your best self and you'll attract better men.

You've got your whole life ahead of you, and will be fine without this loser. You've done well to dump him. Now don't go back, only forwards and upwards.