Very confused and upset with DH.

[Zorbathecat]

I've been married for about 7 years, 2 small children.

I met DH when I had just moved to the country and we had a whirlwind romance I'd say. I was very young (22), and nevere had that sort of live in relationship. There were things that made me question our relationship, but I had no support, a crap job, no friends and he was the opposite.

He's very shouty, and he would name call me. From the beginning and for apparently silly things, he'd just blow over the top. I wondered if it was normal, I was walking on eggshells constantly, but I had nobody to talk to, so I stayed. He's also thrown things off in the past.

He does it to MIL too. She bends backwards and forwards, and he's so rude to her. She seems defeated and I feel so sorry for her.

I tried leaving in the past but couldn't even walk through the door I felt like I had to be around him constantly, so I'd take the shouting because I didn't want to be apart. I wanted to take some time rationally, but I was like addicted, I hated my drug but couldn't part ways.

My work suffered as he didn't like me hanging with my colleagues, and made no effort to come to work dos when partners were invited. I'm now a SAHM. I'm thinking of retraining in something.

Am I exaggerating? I think I'm being ungrateful as he's not financially controlling, I have my money to spend and he supported me when I was jobless.

You are grateful that an abusive man gives you money?
Leave him, retrain, live your life on your terms not your abusive husband's.

Am I exaggerating

You're an abuse victim, and you need to get out. The reason you have stayed is the feelings behind self-questioning comments like the one above. It doesn't matter what someone does. It can be as simple as them wiggling and eyebrow. If it makes you feel bad, then you need to respond to that emotional response within yourself.

Stop thinking about right and wrong. There is no set of rules regarding how people can emotionally treat each other. There are laws, and then there are personal boundaries. 'Am I exaggerating' is an example of a person doubting their own personal boundaries. But each individual sets their own boundaries, according to their emotional responses to things.

If I was in your situation, I'd feel like I was being paid to receive abuse quietly.

You need to validate your own feelings. They are the definition of who you are. Who are you if you're not responding to them? You are somebody that lives according to someone else's needs. Read about self validation, and invalidation in relationships. He is trampling on you; you are allowing him to.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this still for you?. This man feels like he owns you, you are but a mere possession to him. You are but another version of his own mother here, a woman who he is abusive to as well. Such men hate women, ALL of them (particularly his own mother).

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see dad treat mum like you are?.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. You are likely codependent and that state is not helping you either. Would you be willing to talk to an organisation like Womens Aid; there is a link to them here www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIke29h9WJ7gIVyrTtCh0MMwdZEAAYASAAEgL6O_D_BwE

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. They are after all seeing you (and in turn them) being abused by their father. They could well go onto replicate that abuse blueprint in their own relationships too, its no legacy to leave them.

Not every relationship involves being shouted at. Your kids are growing up seeing that. They are going to copy. You can get out. You’re posting on here because that’s what you want. What is he shouting about?

I feel guilty for not standing up for myself earlier in the relationship. I didn't want to break up as it would feel like a failure and was completely alone. He also begged me not to break up with him, I didn't want to hurt him and I love him so much.

My confidence is also quite low, it's gone down over the years, I feel really low most of the time.

He has not cared about hurting you and in turn your kids so he does not deserve any consideration now.

He is also likely to be the root cause of your low confidence level. It would likely rise once you are apart from him. Standing up for yourself here would not have made any difference at all, abusive men like your husband would have continued very much in the same vein regardless.

Better to be on your own with your kids also than to remain so badly accompanied. Divorce is not failure, he is the failure here for treating you abusively as he has done.

And you do not get anything out of this relationship now either do you.

freedomwithinsite.wordpress.com/the-abuse-cycle/

Particularly number 3, the honeymoon stage. It is a definition of how he manipulates you into staying.

www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding

You have a trauma bond with him. Try hard to understand what's happening here. Your self esteem rests on him treating you well, and every now and then, he does. He's offering you just enough validation for you to stay, but you need to offer this to yourself, because his behaviour is so inconsistent, and we need consistency to be able to function properly.

You are confused because you are experiencing cognitive dissonance:

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/neurosagacity/201701/the-brain-can-work-against-abuse-victims

There is nothing unusual about your situation, within an abuse context. You are having all of the responses that a sane person would be expected to have, in the face of the abuse you are experiencing. Millions of sane, intelligent people just like you have ended up where you are. So you don't need to feel guilty. It takes a while to realise what's going on, because it's hard for a good person to understand that somebody could behave the way he does; it's much easier to find excuses for him.

BUT you have realised now, and are starting to face it. This is a brilliant and life-changing thing for you. Contact Women's Aid. They have seen a million just like you. They will know what to do. They will support you. They will reassure you. You only have to tell them what you have told us.

Keep posting on the thread if it helps. There is support here too.

Thanks. I tend to be hypercritical towards myself, have always been. So I tend to see all the negative things I've been doing and feel like I have to become even better somehow. I can't let go of my past mistakes, have alway been quite people pleaser.

Who makes the rules you feel you have to live by?

@Eckhart I do. My parents were not very emotionally attached to me, and were hypercritical, so I developed this over critical personality trait.

I know I'm wrong but I was always over attached in relationships, and DH was good as he didn't mind me depending on him so much.

But I do it with friends too, I can't say no, I always try and get stuff done.

I know I'm wrong

This is your error. You are who you are. Don't judge your feelings. Respond to them, even if you think they're unusual or strange. You don't have to respond in an unusual or strange way, but respect the feelings.

@Eckhart I find it very difficult to perceive my feelings as valid. My upbringing was pretty dysfunctional, but I have given up on talking to my parents about it as they deny anything that doesn't fit their narrative.

There was a lot of shouting, door slammed, constant criticism and nitpicking of my actions or behaviours (could be anything, things like the way I blinked was wrong). I remember having tics when I was less than 10 and being told off for them.

The first step is to perceive them at all, ie, separate them from the reaction they cause in you. Feel your feelings and do nothing. You don't have to validate them to start with. It will come to you gradually.

What you are currently doing is equivalent to slipping on ice. You don't need to learn how not to slip on ice; you need to recognise what it is and how it affects you. After that, you naturally learn to walk around frozen puddles, rather than over them. I hope the analogy makes sense. It's like you were raised on a frozen puddle, so ice doesn't stand out to you as something to be avoided. But that doesn't make it any easier to walk on.

I recognise some elements of our relationship were dysfunctional, but it felt like it filled a void, and I just needed those intense feelings.

DH has done a lot for me, and has always said he loves me, we moved in very quickly and were committed very very soon. Which is why I feel guilty even starting this thread. It feels like cheating.

What did you think of the links above?

They definitely ring a bell, I guess I have spent years being very critical with myself, I'm really struggling to accept what I read. I find it easier to blame myself for the way things are.

But even this morning, he's just having little explosions over silly things. And if it's not shouting is blaming, criticism, I'm wondering too what I'm getting out of it.

When I feel attacked I sometimes shout back too or say mean things. What I really hate is that I'm turning into a bad version of myself. Initially I just cried and cried.
Shouldn't relstionships bring out the best of us?

Yes. We all have a responsibility to find someone who doesn't turn us into a monster. I was thinking yesterday about toxicity. If a physically healthy person eats something poisonous, all sorts of reactions happen, and none of them pleasant. The healthy body turns into a convulsing, pustulous thing, emitting vile fluids, boiling over. I think it's the same with emotions. If we spend time with somebody who is toxic to us, we turn into unpleasant people with unpleasant responses, and like you, we boil over.

Do you have nice relationships with other people? Friends? Family?

I don't have many friends anymore, especially after lockdown. Good relationship with family members, but never told anyone how things are.

I think my dad is getting suspicious something is not quite right, but it hass taken him years to get there as DH is usually great with everyone else.

My point was that when not being intoxicated by your partner's behaviour, and surrounded with people who treat you respectfully, you don't behave in ways you wish you didn't.

D'you think you could talk to your Dad and explain to him what's been happening?

The fact that your husband is great with everyone else is another red flag. How does it feel for you, when he switches between being great with everyone else to being horrible to you? It's good to start acknowledging your feelings without feeling guilty. Even if you don't put it on this thread, could you write a list of your negative feelings towards your husband and his behaviours? Once it starts being somewhere in the world other than inside you, it'll look more real. Even if you have to shred the bit of paper straight after.

Yes, I will speak to my dad about it, trying not to make him worry. The thing is, I do doubt about myself a lot as he can be nice and sweet too. And the fact that if I try to stand my ground or ask for help I get told to stop shouting, even if I'm not. I get annoyed about the friends thing.