Very confused and upset with DH.

[Zorbathecat]

I've been married for about 7 years, 2 small children.

I met DH when I had just moved to the country and we had a whirlwind romance I'd say. I was very young (22), and nevere had that sort of live in relationship. There were things that made me question our relationship, but I had no support, a crap job, no friends and he was the opposite.

He's very shouty, and he would name call me. From the beginning and for apparently silly things, he'd just blow over the top. I wondered if it was normal, I was walking on eggshells constantly, but I had nobody to talk to, so I stayed. He's also thrown things off in the past.

He does it to MIL too. She bends backwards and forwards, and he's so rude to her. She seems defeated and I feel so sorry for her.

I tried leaving in the past but couldn't even walk through the door I felt like I had to be around him constantly, so I'd take the shouting because I didn't want to be apart. I wanted to take some time rationally, but I was like addicted, I hated my drug but couldn't part ways.

My work suffered as he didn't like me hanging with my colleagues, and made no effort to come to work dos when partners were invited. I'm now a SAHM. I'm thinking of retraining in something.

Am I exaggerating? I think I'm being ungrateful as he's not financially controlling, I have my money to spend and he supported me when I was jobless.

Pretty much all abusers are nice sometimes. So nice that we fall in love with them. If they were horrible all the time, people wouldn't keep getting into relationships with them, and they'd be social pariahs.

Getting annoyed is your friend. Anybody would feel annoyed (to say the least) if they were being treated the way you are. Expressing it by getting angry at your husband is probably self destructive, though. He doesn't care about how you feel, does he. And if your feelings are shoved in his face, that'll just inconvenience him. That's why you're questioning your feelings. He minimises them, overpowers them, and you're hooked on him, so a part of you respects what he says. That's where the cognitive dissonance comes in. Your feelings say one thing, your brain says something else.

He has trained your brain. But he hasn't trained your feelings. You need to respect them, whether he does or not. Your feelings are REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT.

I think you should tell your Dad exactly what's going on. Tell him you need a serious talk, and tell him everything you've said here. If there's ever a situation in which a Dad should be worried about his daughter, it's this one. Your life and wellbeing are in the hands of an abuser. Your husband could hold you in this miserable state forever if you can't get yourself out, and the more support you can get, the better.

Are you feeling that you can accept that you are in an abusive relationship, yet?

I think I do. Will start talking to my dad soon, thanks x

@Eckhart

freedomwithinsite.wordpress.com/the-abuse-cycle/

Particularly number 3, the honeymoon stage. It is a definition of how he manipulates you into staying.

www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding

You have a trauma bond with him. Try hard to understand what's happening here. Your self esteem rests on him treating you well, and every now and then, he does. He's offering you just enough validation for you to stay, but you need to offer this to yourself, because his behaviour is so inconsistent, and we need consistency to be able to function properly.

You are confused because you are experiencing cognitive dissonance:

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/neurosagacity/201701/the-brain-can-work-against-abuse-victims

There is nothing unusual about your situation, within an abuse context. You are having all of the responses that a sane person would be expected to have, in the face of the abuse you are experiencing. Millions of sane, intelligent people just like you have ended up where you are. So you don't need to feel guilty. It takes a while to realise what's going on, because it's hard for a good person to understand that somebody could behave the way he does; it's much easier to find excuses for him.

BUT you have realised now, and are starting to face it. This is a brilliant and life-changing thing for you. Contact Women's Aid. They have seen a million just like you. They will know what to do. They will support you. They will reassure you. You only have to tell them what you have told us.

Keep posting on the thread if it helps. There is support here too.

WOW, just read this article. What an eye opener, so helpful, has really opened my eyes to what is going on in my own life. thank you for posting

@Moutainwoman it's taken a lockdown to make me post about it on here. I don't see much of a way back, but fear that when we go back to normal we'll go back to our routine, where we left.