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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Coercive control ?

51 replies

FippertyGibbett · 07/01/2021 07:19

Back in November me and DH had a ‘big talk’. I offered to end the relationship, he said that he wanted to keep trying.
One of the things I asked was that he didn’t use his credit cards except for big purchases where using it was a sort of insurance, such as a holiday. He agreed.
Fast forward to Xmas and I can see that he has paid off a credit card form our joint account.
The other day he was going to the Range for a browse ( not allowed I know but what can I do, he is an adult who knows the rules) he would have bought something we don’t need, then gone to a supermarket and bought food we don’t necessarily need and wine for himself.
Now, I stopped him and said that we have food in the freezer and we don’t ‘need’ anything for the home. I pointed out that I wanted to live within my means, as per our previous conversation.
He didn’t go but now is in a mood.
Am I controlling him ? I don’t want to, I want to live within my means and have no debt, I want to save for Xmas/birthdays/holidays.

OP posts:
Original poster
FippertyGibbett · 07/01/2021 13:46

Sorry, that sounds like I’m having a go and I’m not !
I’m just trying to explain how I feel.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 07/01/2021 14:11

@FippertyGibbett

Sorry, that sounds like I’m having a go and I’m not ! I’m just trying to explain how I feel.
You sounded like you were trying to explain how you feel. But by apologising, it sounds like you are trying to back away from the responsibility of that: simply saying what you feel.

I see a pattern. You are trying not to take responsibility for your feelings.

Own them.

Original poster
FippertyGibbett · 07/01/2021 14:17

I suppose I don’t want to feel this way.
I want to love, respect and trust him, that would be easier. But I don’t.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 07/01/2021 14:34

Life definitely would be much easier if we could choose which feelings to have and when we wanted them!

The closest we can get to creating that situation is by spending as much time as we can with people who have similar values to us, and distancing ourselves from those who challenge us and make us uncomfortable just for being ourselves/just by being themselves.

You know what you have to do, don't you? This isn't just about money. Flowers

Anotheruser02 · 07/01/2021 14:41

You need to leave, this bothers you now imagine how much he will piss you off when he is retired and he finds out what boredom really is.
I have felt like you in the past apologetic for having needs and feelings, when I have been with men who used the name nag to hush me fast or stonewall me for putting my needs on the table.

Unicant · 07/01/2021 14:41

I honestly think you should consider leaving him. If he's always been this way its unlikely he will change.. and as an adult he should be able to spend his money how he wants but so should you... you'll just always be unhappy if you stay. Tbh it sounds like you've reached a point where you just completely resent him anyway... it sounds like he's a bit selfish and thoughtless and irresponsible but on top of all that he did not attempt to support you when you were a sahm and continued to live how he wanted whilst you had to struggle. Dont bother trying to control him just leave. Start putting all your money into your own account and cancel the joint account then just leave him. I honestly think you would be happier.

Erin36 · 07/01/2021 14:52

I wouldn’t even contemplate ending a relationship with someone I loved because of money. True love is meant to conquer everything xx

Unicant · 07/01/2021 14:57

true love doesnt and shouldn't conquer someone running up credit card debts in your name (unless there's a genuine need obviously)... loving someone isn't about being an absolute doormat.

Eckhart · 07/01/2021 14:57

True love is meant to conquer everything

That's a naive and potentially damaging way to view relationships.

True love does not conquer everything. True love involves reality, and a healthy focus on whether or not the relationship meets the needs of both parties. True love involves letting go if someone's needs aren't being comfortably met.

Anotheruser02 · 07/01/2021 15:05

Erin that's a stupid comment. The OP is being disrespected and having her own money spent on her selfish immature drunk husbands whim purchases. Imagine working hard without the option of using your money you worked for to buy something you would like or give you some security, you can't because the looser got there first and spent it in advance.. True love my arse.

Anotheruser02 · 07/01/2021 15:06

....And to top it off he has given her the impression that she is controlling for objecting to that. Angry

Erin36 · 07/01/2021 15:22

I disagree. As long as the problem doesn’t keep happening, then if you love someone, you help them through the problems in my opinion xx

Erin36 · 07/01/2021 15:22

If everyone left their relationship because of money issues, I don’t think there would be many relationships still standing in my opinion x

Shoxfordian · 07/01/2021 15:24

If you don’t love him then you should have just ended it

Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor · 07/01/2021 15:29

Its not necessarily the money thats the issue. Its that they disagree on the way they want to live their lives, and anyway OP says she doesn't love him anymore upthread.

Toomanycats99 · 07/01/2021 17:30

My ex was like this. Continual overspending on small items that added up then dipping into joint bills account to pay other stuff.

No impulse control so if he decides he wanted something he would just buy straightaway. In the meantime I was cutting back to keep finances on track. Maternity made no difference - I funded it from my savings.

Since we split finances are so much better. Even the door bill has come way down - no buying loads of 'treats'

Meanwhile he carries on merrily spending the money he got from house which will run out at some point and he will be stuffed.

Erin36 · 07/01/2021 18:33

But how can you leave someone over finances if you love them truly? Doesn’t your heart break into a million pieces? I’m just wondering as I am i am in a similar situation and I am the one who has done the spending. Spending money would never make me leave my partner but my partner has left me

Shoxfordian · 07/01/2021 18:42

Erin, the op says she doesn’t love him

If you need some support then you should start a new thread

Toomanycats99 · 07/01/2021 19:13

@Erin36 so even if your partner risked your home and everything you worked for because they would not stop spending you would stay with them?

AWeeBit · 07/01/2021 19:34

This is all more than enough to end things, in my opinion. We only get the one life - why be unhappy, if it can be helped?

Theunamedcat · 07/01/2021 22:58

@Erin36

But how can you leave someone over finances if you love them truly? Doesn’t your heart break into a million pieces? I’m just wondering as I am i am in a similar situation and I am the one who has done the spending. Spending money would never make me leave my partner but my partner has left me
You can love someone and they can be true poison for you
Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor · 07/01/2021 22:58

@Erin36

But how can you leave someone over finances if you love them truly? Doesn’t your heart break into a million pieces? I’m just wondering as I am i am in a similar situation and I am the one who has done the spending. Spending money would never make me leave my partner but my partner has left me
You can be heartbroken and end a relationship with someone you love because they don't treat you right, or it doesn't work. Love alone is not enough.
sickofit39 · 08/01/2021 11:10

I do understand where your coming from and it would annoy me too ! With the current trend of things and how everyone is feeling I think your very lucky that all he is doing is buying some ready meals and a bottle of wine 🍷. A lot of people's husbands on here atm seem to have lost the plot and are using lockdown as an excuse to get up to allsorts of crap behaviours. I'd bite my tongue for now it's very challenging times . X

sickofit39 · 08/01/2021 11:11

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

If my other half told me I shouldn’t buy a ready meal or food generally because we already had food in the freezer, I’d tell him to piss off tbh.

I can see why you’re wary about him overspending as he’s got into debt before, but it’s not like he’s gambling or doing drugs. He’s popping into the Range for a browse FFS!

You need to come up with a better way to sort your joint finances so that he’s not being kept on a leash, but you can still save and be sensible. If he’d rather have a pot noodle or a microwave lasagne than whatever you have in the fridge, he should really be able to do that, as a grown adult, contributing to the family finances.

Yes this
harknesswitch · 08/01/2021 11:15

You don't love him and you are polar opposites when it comes to financial matters. Tbh I'd leave

You're not being controlling in the sense of abuse, but you are trying to make him do things he obviously doesn't want to do.

You have two choices, you either put up with him the way his is (he's proved he won't change), or you leave him.

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