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Relationships

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Original poster

Coercive control ?

51 replies

FippertyGibbett · 07/01/2021 07:19

Back in November me and DH had a ‘big talk’. I offered to end the relationship, he said that he wanted to keep trying.
One of the things I asked was that he didn’t use his credit cards except for big purchases where using it was a sort of insurance, such as a holiday. He agreed.
Fast forward to Xmas and I can see that he has paid off a credit card form our joint account.
The other day he was going to the Range for a browse ( not allowed I know but what can I do, he is an adult who knows the rules) he would have bought something we don’t need, then gone to a supermarket and bought food we don’t necessarily need and wine for himself.
Now, I stopped him and said that we have food in the freezer and we don’t ‘need’ anything for the home. I pointed out that I wanted to live within my means, as per our previous conversation.
He didn’t go but now is in a mood.
Am I controlling him ? I don’t want to, I want to live within my means and have no debt, I want to save for Xmas/birthdays/holidays.

OP posts:

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 07/01/2021 07:22

I don’t think you’re necessarily controlling, but it does seem like you both come ‘at’ finances from different directions.

I’d suggest another talk, just on finances, so you can both air your views, and work something out.

willowmelangell · 07/01/2021 07:47

I would be annoyed if my OH used the joint account to pay off his credit card.
Can the same amount start a saving-for-Xmas fund?
Going forward can you agree a standing order for jointly bought Xmas/birthday gifts?
Putting holidays and big purchases on a cc sounds sensible.
It does sound like another chat is needed to clear the air.

Sunshine3013 · 07/01/2021 07:49

You do seem controlling to be honest. It's fine to discuss but I would be rather annoyed if you constantly brang up that you wanted to live within your means if I wanted to go the supermarket! I'm assuming he works? Let him live a little!

Original poster

FippertyGibbett · 07/01/2021 07:54

@Sunshine3013

I offered to end the relationship so that I could happily live within my means, and he could live alone and get into all sorts of debt like he has in the past. I’m not making him stay.

OP posts:

Original poster

FippertyGibbett · 07/01/2021 07:58

@willowmelangell

I would be annoyed if my OH used the joint account to pay off his credit card. Can the same amount start a saving-for-Xmas fund? Going forward can you agree a standing order for jointly bought Xmas/birthday gifts? Putting holidays and big purchases on a cc sounds sensible. It does sound like another chat is needed to clear the air.

I asked if he would open an account for himself, then put an amount in every month from our joint account so that he can spend it on whatever he wants. He said no. He has got us in debt several times before and I’ve had enough of it.

OP posts:

NotaCoolMum · 07/01/2021 08:01

You’re not “making him stay” and you “offered to end the relationship”? If you’re financially incompatible and that’s a deal breaker for you, then you need to either end it, or accept it and separate your finances so he doesn’t have access to use your joint account for purchases that you find unnecessary. You’re trying to have both the relationship and control but that won’t work and it’s not fair to either of you.

Theunamedcat · 07/01/2021 08:05

I think you should split up tbh

Financially I agree with you I would rather live within my means my ex husband gets paid on the 1st is broke on the 2nd it used to drive me mental we were Financially incompatible after we split his family cleared all his debts (ones from his FIRST marriage) gave him a fresh start According to his latest ex he has started building debts back up again because his credit rating rose

Original poster

FippertyGibbett · 07/01/2021 08:07

We are obviously polar opposites at money.
I was a SAHM for some years and had no say in finances.
He buys whatever he wants, put it on the credit card and doesn’t worry about it.
I switch lights off, freeze food that’s going off etc. I want to be careful with money so that I leave some to my kids, he’s happy to leave them nothing.
I suppose I either live his way or end it, as I don’t want to be accused of being controlling.

OP posts:

NoraEphronsNeck · 07/01/2021 08:08

I couldn't live like this either. I would suggest that you don't 'offer' to end the relationship, you make it clear that it is over if he won't change his ways.

Your suggestion for him to keep some money separately to spend on whatever he likes is a fair one. If he won't agree with that it speaks volumes about how he sees your relationship.

You appear to be his 'backstop' - that you will always be there to help bail him out each time it happens, and it will keep happening sadly.

Bananalanacake · 07/01/2021 08:36

If he's got into debt several times before I understand why you want to separate. The compromise is a good one, he can't have it both ways.

MaMaD1990 · 07/01/2021 08:37

You sound very sensible with money OP and having been in a similar situation to you before, would be raging at him. Have you thought about not putting money into the joint account anymore so he can't pay off his debts using your/your family's money? It sounds like you're having to babysit a child to be honest. Are you at the point where you could happily walk away from the relationship, even if he didn't want you to? Its worth considering this because money (unfortunately) is very important and if he is being stupid with family money and getting you in debt constantly AND won't change his habits, is he worth staying with?

Original poster

FippertyGibbett · 07/01/2021 08:45

I would like to put my wages into my own account, so that I know I’ve always got money to feed etc us, but that would seem mean ?
He is heading towards retirement but he doesn’t seem to see that our income will go down , and I’m concerned that he will fritter away the lump sum he will get from his private pension.
He hasn’t got into big debt for a while, he spends smaller amounts frequently, and it’s stuff we don’t really need. He will buy a ready meal when there’s food in to cook already. He has a bottle of wine a day.
It all adds up.

OP posts:

Eckhart · 07/01/2021 08:49

Ending a relationship isn't a generous offer that people make to partners who don't meet their needs.

It's an ultimatum that could equally be phrased 'Do it my way or the relationship is over.'

If breaking up is the only way you can get your needs met, then break up with him. There's an issue of responsibility here; it's all on him. Even if you leave, he's the one who has to decide that you do it. You're just sitting there, knowing that you're incompatible, making him do something.

I think the money is a symptom of the problem, to be honest, rather than the problem itself. The problem itself is to do with responsibility and communication.

Quartz2208 · 07/01/2021 08:55

I think that his past debt and spending has made you controlling but that is natural I think in the face of how he is spending.

I think you know that this relationship is unhealthy for you and making you someone you dont want to be

soopedup · 07/01/2021 09:14

I don’t understand.

You “offered” to end the relationship? That sounds weird. You’re not happy so end it? It’s not just his decision is it. If he wants to keep the relationship then he needs to go some way to meeting your needs. That means doing what you need to be comfortable. You asked for separate funds. That way you have control over your bit and it’s clear what he has to spend. I see that as a sensible decision. I think you need some sort of credit alert too though. What happens if he runs up another credit card bill and can’t pay it?

pallasathena · 07/01/2021 09:27

I'd have a chat with a solicitor. Find out what you're entitled to and then make a decision.

Omeara · 07/01/2021 09:31

If he’s drinking a bottle of wine a day I think I’d be more concerned about that in all honesty.

MaMaD1990 · 07/01/2021 09:33

Why are you worried about seeming 'mean' to him? He doesn't respect you enough to watch how he spends money for the good of everyone so why worry about his feelings when you've had enough? This will only get worse when he retires i suspect. His spending with a reduced income and piling credit card payments spells disaster.

billyt · 07/01/2021 10:09

My view is that he has got you into debt previously, which is not good. I couldn't live like that. So either you both agree how to move forward or split if you can't come to an agreement.

But also, I cannot understand why you want to be careful now to leave money for your children? Sorry, but my girls will have all I leave when I die, but they would rather I enjoyed life while I can not watch the pennies. If I have spent it all then that's it.

Bananalanacake · 07/01/2021 10:13

How would he react if you suggested he cut down to one bottle of wine a week, a bottle a night sounds like too much. For money and health reasons.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 07/01/2021 10:17

If my other half told me I shouldn’t buy a ready meal or food generally because we already had food in the freezer, I’d tell him to piss off tbh.

I can see why you’re wary about him overspending as he’s got into debt before, but it’s not like he’s gambling or doing drugs. He’s popping into the Range for a browse FFS!

You need to come up with a better way to sort your joint finances so that he’s not being kept on a leash, but you can still save and be sensible. If he’d rather have a pot noodle or a microwave lasagne than whatever you have in the fridge, he should really be able to do that, as a grown adult, contributing to the family finances.

Shoxfordian · 07/01/2021 10:47

I’m definitely more of a spender like your husband and I wouldn’t like being told what to do either

funnylittlefloozie · 07/01/2021 10:48

My exH had exactly this attitude to money. Its phenomenally stressful to live with, because you never know how much money you have, whether your card will be accepted at the supermarket, and when the phone rings, if it will be someone chasing up a bounced direct debit. It actually made me ill, which i didnt even realise until he moved out and the constant worry dissipated. I had plenty of money worries still, but they were manageable worries and i could control that.

Interestingly, he had the same attitude to drinking as well, although with him it was 8 cans of beer a night rather than wine. He wouldn't even consider cutting down, even when we couldn't pay bills.

My advice to you would be to separate, and for goodness' sake separate your finances.

Prettybubblesintheair · 07/01/2021 11:35

I’m definitely more like your husband and I’d hate to be told what to do. If I fancy a ready meal I’ll have one, we both put into the joint account. I do think you sound controlling but I kind of understand why. I think you need to put on your big girl pants and end the relationship because the two of you shouldn’t be together.

Original poster

FippertyGibbett · 07/01/2021 13:43

Some of you have said that he is an adult and he should be able to do what he wants, and I agree that he should.
But that same adult buys seven bottles of wine a week and consumes them. That’s a financial strain, and I assume that eventually it will be a physical one too.
That same adult has got us into debt, and seems to have the need to go out and spend when he is bored.

I asked him if he wanted to end the relationship because I told him that I want to live my life my way, and that he should be able to live his way too.
I don’t feel that I love him anymore. Why ? He has told me small lies in the past so I no longer believe a word he says, he is dependent on alcohol and has said many times that he will cut down/stop. He seems to spend money on a whim, or because he is bored.
I have paid our daughter’s Uni accommodation this year because I squirrelled the money away. If it was left up to him it probably would have gone on the credit card.
My DH is a nice, kind man and I don’t want to lose this house. But I am a woman living with a man, that’s all. No love, no sex, so why should I live my life someone else’s way.

OP posts:

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