Would this piss you off/ could you be arsed with this?

[YouAbsoluteLittleBugger]

I’ve been seeing a man (I’ll call him S as I hate ‘boyfriend’ as I’m too old) since beginning of August, we were spending a couple of days a week together, he asked us to be exclusive at the beginning of September. He told me he loved me over Christmas. I didn’t say it back, just said that I don’t feel I know him well enough yet but I really do like him and I think we have a great connection. The sex is amazing, I really do think he’s an incredible person and I have never met anyone at all like him before.

But, obviously now it’s lockdown again and God knows how long it could last this time. I’m bubbled with my dm and we both have kids so no way we’ll be able to see each other. I’m absolutely gutted that there’s another lockdown, like many people are. It means my exh will be coming to stay nearby for the duration as his office in a different city is closed again. He’s not a nice person and I find it hugely stressful knowing he’s nearby.

I spoke to S yesterday and got really upset on the call. He was really lovely and understanding. I said that I’d totally understand if he wanted to end things for now and we could pick up when lockdown ends. He said that he didn’t want to do that, he was in love with me, knowing that I can chat to him, send him funny messages etc. will really help see him through even if he can’t see me in person. He said we’d just have to really make an effort to keep the connection - he’d video call me everyday, once a week or so we could watch a film ‘together’ and pretend we’re on a date and have a glass of wine etc. As I was so upset yesterday he said why don’t we do our first ‘date’ today. He’d video call me at 8, I could choose something for us to watch on Netflix and we could just drink, chat and watch a film.

So after I’d put dc to bed I did my hair, put make up on, lit some candles, poured myself a glass of wine and waited for him to call. He didn’t call and I didn’t want to text him as I felt a bit daft. He finally messaged at 9.30 to say he was sorry, he’d been swamped at work and that we’d do it tomorrow instead.

But he’s working from home at the moment. His job in no way involves him being on the phone so even if he was crazily busy he could’ve just messaged to let me know. I messaged him saying not to worry, we’ll just do it another day and he just messaged back saying ‘goodnight, miss you loads xxx’.

I was a bit pissed off but not majorly, I just felt a bit daft having made an effort and essentially been stood up. But I had a look on Twitter and he’d spent the entire evening arguing with a complete stranger about lockdown rules.

It’s probably really petty of me but I actually want to just call the whole thing off now. I’ve got enough to worry about with dc off school and exh lurking about being a tit. I’m finding lockdown stressful enough already and I don’t want to spend the next couple of months hanging around waiting for him to call/ message and then second guessing everything he says as it’s often hard to properly judge tone etc. when it’s all just virtual rather than real life.

This is the first thing he’s done in the last 6 months that’s even slightly annoyed me. Is it daft to just chuck it all in because of this?

Yes it is daft. Just let him phone when he phones. Don’t get all dolled up , he loves you for you not your make up. He seems to want an emotional connection and if he got into an argument about lockdown rules he probably was carried away being passionate in his stance. That being said saying “ cool we’ll just do it tomorrow” wasn’t right either, you do need to say to him “ listen I know you said you were carried away with work but then it doesn’t take that long just to text before 8 and to be honest it looked like you spent a while on twitter when you could have had the decency to text”. Allows him to know he’s done wrong. Be chased, don’t be chaser.

That would piss me off. However, everything else sounds pretty good so maybe think it over for a while before being impulsive. Everyone is fed up and acting out of sorts at the moment. View it as a red flag and let him know it annoyed you but maybe don't end it all over one incident....

Id confront him about it and see what he has to say

It would piss me off too, but if it's a one off I would tell him your are not happy you were stood up and have a bit more consideration next time.

You'd be daft to break up over this.

You could let him know that you were annoyed he told you he got caught up at work, when he was actually arguing with someone on twitter, but I'm confused why you didn't just call him when you'd put the dc to bed ?

Yes, I@d be pd off if I was looking forward to something and it didn't happen, but I think you have to understand that most people are acting a bit out of sorts at the moment, and most of us can be very easily be tipped into over reacting to things quite easily.

Take a deep breath, have a good night's sleep and put it in perspective in the morning.

I’d be pissed off too, but he clearly didn’t realise you’d gone to so much trouble - to him it was a more casual thing, and you haven’t exactly been as enthusiastic as him so far, so he probably thought you wouldn’t be too worried.

Maybe this is the kick up the bum you needed to realise that you do care about him, he’s a good bloke and you don’t actually want to dump him over lockdown!

It’s hard being apart - my DP of 8 years doesn’t live with me and we’ve had to try harder to keep up communication during lockdowns. Luckily he’s now the only adult in his home so we can bubble, but it’s been hard.

Give him the benefit of the doubt on this one, he got carried away online and forgot about your virtual ‘date’. Next time you’ll have to be prepared to text or call him (he’s made it plain enough that you’re not doing all the running here).

I think lockdown is messing with everyone.
It’s cold, the news is full of horrendously depressing stories, people aren’t themselves. Cut him some slack.

Had you messaged in the day to say you were looking forward to the film etc??

Why didn’t you call him, or at the very least message him?

Do you find that there are tons of great single guys around? I think I’d probably have messaged on the night “ hey I’m ready whenever you are” type thing. He probably thinks you were not that bothered. I would also plan to see him and go for a walk if you can manage that... I would definitely want to see my partner in person rather than only on zoom.

I’ve got enough to worry about with dc off school and exh lurking about being a tit. I’m finding lockdown stressful enough already and I don’t want to spend the next couple of months hanging around waiting for him to call/ message and then second guessing everything he says as it’s often hard to properly judge tone etc. when it’s all just virtual rather than real life

This is all relevant regardless of tonight. Do you just want a reason to end it? He says he loves you, but by contrast you don't come across as that keen on him.

Take a deep breath, sleep on it, and have a think tomorrow about what you really want. What he did is annoying but not chuckable. Unless you want to anyway.

Let me get this straight: he said he'd meet you online at 8, he didn't show, lied about why, and you discover he was arguing with a stranger online. In other words, a stranger was more important than your virtual date. No contest for me. He'd be gone.

I wouldn’t dump someone over this, but wouldn’t give them a free pass either. So next time I’d say actually I want to bring up x with you because I’m busy etc - if you have to cancel that’s OK occasionally but give me notice.

I wouldn’t take the Twitter thing too seriously, maybe he had a shut day at work and was letting off steam.

Can you not meet him for walks?

Downright rude. He had no excuse not to call/text you. It only takes a minute to say xxxxx.
If it's the only issue, I'd give him a 2nd chance. I'd personally talk to him and say I understand plans change but that you would appreciate being told before the event. If he doesn't understand that, then he is now worth having.

I would give him one more chance with warning to be prompt next time, any more flakiness then you know how it will always be.

Sounds like a fair bit of drama from you tbh. Could you not have messaged him?

Sounds like you're used to him doing all the chasing, and that you like being the one who cares least. Your hurt seems to come from a place of 'How dare he??'

It might be time for you to consider how much you really like this guy, or whether you are just stringing him along.

It's not ok, bit is guess he got sidetracked and list track of time, then realised he was late and wussed our of honesty.

I'd tell him you were on Twitter and noticed how long tirade when he said he was at work, what's the truth? But I'd you like him, and if he is honest, I wouldn't break up with him.

However if you WANT to break up with him,, you don't need a reason or or permission

I'd be annoyed but I'd have said that when he'd messaged to say he was working. More like a "okay, I get it but next time could you give me more notice as I was looking forward to it!". Also, I wouldn't worry about the Twitter stuff, it definitely doesn't mean he's not into you.

I definitely wouldn't say this is enough to break up over but you should tell him you were annoyed/disappointed.

Thanks for the advice, I think I probably was overreacting last night - PMT combined with lockdown stress was probably making me a little dramatic.

It’s my first relationship since my marriage ended and I know I’ve still hugely got my guard up as I just can’t cope with getting hurt again at the moment.

I know I should’ve said that I was pissed off at the time, rather than just saying it’s fine. I’d messaged him earlier in the day to apologise for being upset the day before. He replied saying that it was totally understandable, he was sorry I was feeling crap and that we could have a proper chat in the evening. I think that’s probably why I made an effort to look nice as I wanted to show him that he was a priority for me. Also the reason I felt so daft when he didn’t call.

If he calls me tonight I’ll explain that I was upset with him not calling yesterday. I just hate, hate, hate this feeling that he’s got me on a string waiting for him. I really doubt I can see him before the end of lockdown as, although he’s less than an hour drive away, it’s over the border in Wales so I really don’t think I’m allowed.

I agree his behaviour was wanky but there is no reason to call it off. First lockdown my boyfriend was in another country and we spent 5 months messaging and chatting daily - it was crap but I'm so glad we did it. We went from where you are now before lockdown to properly falling for each other when he came back - the support we gave each other during Lockdown did help with that.
I would call him out on last night though. That's not on. Maybe he didn't realise you would be making an effort and looking forward to it so much, but he needs to be told.

If he calls me tonight I’ll explain that I was upset with him not calling yesterday. I just hate, hate, hate this feeling that he’s got me on a string waiting for him

Why don't you call him? By saying if he calls you'll give yourself the chance to share his annoyed you are, you're basically behaving like he's got you on a string anyway! Last night why didn't you just message him saying where are you, I thought we were taking at 8? Why not message today and say, hey can we catch up tonight?
I think you've ended up in a position where you're not communicating proactively to protect yourself and not get hurt, but actually it's causing the opposite effect!

*how annoyed

@PixelatedLunchbox

Let me get this straight: he said he'd meet you online at 8, he didn't show, lied about why, and you discover he was arguing with a stranger online. In other words, a stranger was more important than your virtual date. No contest for me. He'd be gone.

Yep. I think this was a test to see if you were bothered

You can let someone know you're pissed off when they've messed up without going nuclear on them or leaving them. Tell him you saw his Twitter, tell him you're annoyed, let him (hopefully) apologise, move on.

I would think most MNers would be more sympathetic to getting sucked into a spot of Telling Someone On The Internet They're Wrong.

I just hate, hate, hate this feeling that he’s got me on a string waiting for him

I'm afraid this goes hand in hand a bit with catching feelings for someone (and having to deal with their flaws). You like him - this is fine!

I’ve messaged him asking if he’s free for a chat tonight. I know it sounds dramatic but I’m just really not used to this and had massively underestimated quite how consumed by this I’m getting. My MH isn’t great at the moment - exh was essentially stalking me for the last few years of our marriage, set up spy cams, had a key tracker on my phone, was until summer still threatening to kill me if I ever had another relationship with anyone, just loved generally terrifying me. Having him come back to stay indefinitely about 100m away from me has really dragged it all up again and all my stress seems to be manifesting itself with me obsessing over this new man. Which is probably a sign I’m not ready to be with anyone but I do really like him, possibly love him and I don’t want to lose him because exh is a dick.

I think I need to tell him all this as I don’t want him thinking I’m not interested. It will probably make him run for the hills but I guess that’s better than him finding out later and doing it then.