Am I wrong to feel annoyed?

[Tallulahs09]

Ok so it may come across as Petty but I can't stop feeling a bit hurt by this.

Recently I was pregnant which ended up with our baby been born 8 weeks early on December 2nd

Anyways a few days before I had baby I was admitted to hospital, my partner was allowed to visit for one hour on an evening but he chose not to cause he was too tired from working. Baring in mind he will have started work around 11am and finished by about 4:30pm so not really that much of a long day. I didn't say anything about this and just shrugged it off but couldn't help feel a little gutted as I know if it was the other way round, no matter how tired I was I would make sure I went and visited him if he was in hospitality.

I got discharged, was home a couple of days then on 2nd December got taken for an emergency c section, partner managed to make it for this. Baby was taken to neonatal unit straight away with been premature and needing help. I had baby at 1:30pm by 4:30pm my partner left to go get my things and then wasn't allowed back in as the hospital rules are once they left they can't come back that day. The Next day he didn't visit me or baby at all, again he was tired from working as he wasn't able to get time off. He messaged me around 5pm saying he was home so again he hadn't really had that long a day. It wasn't until 5pm on the 4th December I then seen him when he came to pick me up cause I was allowed home and baby had to stay on the neonatal until after Christmas.

I felt so hurt when I was just left to sit in a hospital all by myself after having a c section and been in pain and also having the worry of baby been born so early. Seeing all the other dads coming in and sitting for hours made me want to cry as I was just sat there alone. I appreciate he couldn't come in all day but surely if you really care about someone you can make the effort to go even just for a short time? Even if you are tired? I know I would!

I don't know if I am been overly sensitive because of hormones but it's bothered me since it happened and I just can't shake off the feeling of he doesn't really care.

What is other people's thoughts?

He sounds like a knob
Sorry op, is he usually more caring?

You are 100% justified in how you feel op 💐

Thank you for the replies, it makes me feel better to know that I'm not just been overly sensitive about it.

I wouldn't say he's ever the most caring person in the world but I've never felt it so much as I do now that he really just doesn't care. 😏

I'm so sorry OP, I hope you and baby are both doing well now. But your partner is a total knob. I don't know any man who wouldn't visit his partner in hospital in that scenario no matter how tired they were. It just isn't the time to put themselves first, is it? Which is exactly what he did. I find it very very strange behaviour

I think that’s pretty bloody awful OP. I’m sorry he’s so remiss. I’d be hurt too. Very.

I had a similar situation. I was in for a week after an emergency c section and even though he was on annual leave and allowed to stay all day he came for an hour at visiting. We separated company when baby was 6 months old. I hope you and your baby are doing well and that you and your partner can talk honestly about this and he pulls his socks up!

I hope that you and baby are doing well.

You are absolutely justified in feeling as you do. You are now seeing a further example of him not being caring enough towards you and that will likely continue too. Such men do not change and this is who he really is. If someone shows you their true colours, do not try and repaint them.

BTW does he want/insist on this child having his surname rather than yours too?

He’s either an uncaring knob.

Or he is working a lot of extra hours for some reason which are totally killing him and he’s needing to man up and tell his boss he can no longer do this. Or if it’s to save up so he has money for the baby or something he needs to stop before it kills him.

Or he has something wrong with him that’s needing investigation.

I wouldn’t be expecting much help with your child OP. I get the feeling he’ll not be up for doing his share as he’s ‘too tired’

That's absolutely awful.

All I can say is, if you haven't registered this baby yet please give him/her your surname, because I would lay bets that by the time they can write it, this pretty unpleasant, uncaring man will quite possibly not even be in their lives any more.

No, he doesn't give a shit about you or the baby really.

@Ihatesandwiches sorry to hear you had a similar experience and that the relationship ended, I hope you are much better off now without him 

@AttilaTheMeerkat oh yes he's adamant baby has his surname, in fact he wasn't happy when he seen all paperwork so far baby has my surname. He didn't seem to understand it's what has to happen until baby is registered, with us not been married.

@Elieza I definitely wouldn't say he's working too many hours, he does around 30 a week. Which I shouldn't think would make any perfectly fine person feel so exhausted as he reckons he was.
I've definitely already established I won't get any help with baby as he's been home now since Boxing Day and I haven't really had any help.

That's dreadful. I was in a similar situation and we are now separated (thank God).

PLEASE REGISTER THE BABY WITH YOUR SURNAME.

You've been home since Boxing Day, after surgery, and you've done EVERYTHING. Tell me exactly what part of that qualified HIM to be the one the baby is named after, instead of the person that's actually parenting them?!

Fuck that!

He's not going to stick around, either because he'll fuck off and be a selfish uncaring shit somewhere else, or you will finally get rid when you can't live with doing absolutely everything for the baby.

And you'll be stuck with your baby carrying his surname, and if you do meet someone else and marry and have more children with them, you won't be able to change your baby's name to that family name either.

Please - just consider telling him where to go, and registering this baby on your own.

We're grand, thank you! Ex and I have both moved on and have new partners. DD is fab and has a great relationship with both of us. Ex has become much better as DD has grown but he's still very happy to hand her back after a weekend. He's an introvert and I think he really struggled with the change of dynamics when she was born.

He didn't seem to understand it's what has to happen until baby is registered, with us not been married.

Yep. Tradition says this baby SHOULD have your surname. You won't marry this shithead - he's clearly an uncaring, selfish man and you're about to see a lot more of that now there is a baby on the scene. So give baby your name.

He's a dick. My baby came 6 weeks early and we had a toddler at home. My husband was there every single day.

Oh OP. This is so sad. You are not being unreasonable to be upset nor are you over reacting. He is horrible. And I'm guessing this is not the first time he's let you down. It's just the one that you can't tell yourself (or have him tell you) is understandale/acceptable.

Even my shit parent alcoholic ex did slightly better than this when our dd was born 9 years ago, yanbu in any way shape or form!

Whoops I thought we were on AIBU!

Agree you absolutely shouldn’t give baby his surname and I would honestly offer him an ultimatum of apologising for his behaviour and stepping up and being a decent parent and partner or leaving right now so you can get on with motherhood your own way. He sounds lazy, selfish and unkind, none of which are qualities that will bring much to your life or your baby’s.

I'm so sad for you, OP. How hurtful.
Have you got parents nearby or family/friends? You need emotional and physical support, not a total loser.

It sounds like he just couldn’t be bothered. What a horrible selfish man.

What’s he like with the baby now?

I hope you are making plans to leave this relationship. You just gave birth to his child and he couldn't be bothered to come visit!?

And do not register the baby with his surname, I'd even go as far to say to register the baby alone and not name him as the father.

Look at it this way, OP.

If he comes good, smartens up and learns how to be a dad, and you get married... you can change both you and the baby's surname to his. In fact, teaching him a lesson that fatherhood is about more than just demanding that your surname be used and doing fuck all else might open his eyes a bit.

But... the likelihood is that this won't happen. He's shown through your most vulnerable time, and not only the time when you needed him most but when he had a duty to be there for you both, he didn't give a shit. And he hasn't done one thing since you've been home that shows anything different.

Men like this totally destroy your peace of mind and ruin family life. You won't be able to hack it for long - doing everything, and he'll either eventually leave, probably because you've turned into a 'nag' who dares to ask that he pulls his weight in his own family, or because you finally can't bear to carry his lazy ass and watch your child have a crap role model and you chuck him out.

If that happens, your baby is stuck with his name for good. If he's on the birth certificate, he can still interfere in the decisions you make even if he doesn't bother to see his child.

Don't let that happen.

And he can be as 'adamant' as he likes that the baby has his name but legally it's not his decision - so, fuck him!!!!