Am I wrong to feel annoyed?

[Tallulahs09]

Ok so it may come across as Petty but I can't stop feeling a bit hurt by this.

Recently I was pregnant which ended up with our baby been born 8 weeks early on December 2nd

Anyways a few days before I had baby I was admitted to hospital, my partner was allowed to visit for one hour on an evening but he chose not to cause he was too tired from working. Baring in mind he will have started work around 11am and finished by about 4:30pm so not really that much of a long day. I didn't say anything about this and just shrugged it off but couldn't help feel a little gutted as I know if it was the other way round, no matter how tired I was I would make sure I went and visited him if he was in hospitality.

I got discharged, was home a couple of days then on 2nd December got taken for an emergency c section, partner managed to make it for this. Baby was taken to neonatal unit straight away with been premature and needing help. I had baby at 1:30pm by 4:30pm my partner left to go get my things and then wasn't allowed back in as the hospital rules are once they left they can't come back that day. The Next day he didn't visit me or baby at all, again he was tired from working as he wasn't able to get time off. He messaged me around 5pm saying he was home so again he hadn't really had that long a day. It wasn't until 5pm on the 4th December I then seen him when he came to pick me up cause I was allowed home and baby had to stay on the neonatal until after Christmas.

I felt so hurt when I was just left to sit in a hospital all by myself after having a c section and been in pain and also having the worry of baby been born so early. Seeing all the other dads coming in and sitting for hours made me want to cry as I was just sat there alone. I appreciate he couldn't come in all day but surely if you really care about someone you can make the effort to go even just for a short time? Even if you are tired? I know I would!

I don't know if I am been overly sensitive because of hormones but it's bothered me since it happened and I just can't shake off the feeling of he doesn't really care.

What is other people's thoughts?

I would give the baby your surname and tell him exactly why.
If he wants to be recognised as a father he needs to act like one.

How awful. Dh sat outside in the car waiting for the morning visiting hours.

Do not give your baby his name or put him on the birth certificate. He is telling you where he stands loud and clear. Actions speak louder than words. Good luck x

Golly op, I am shocked by this. What a selfish, lazy man. If this were me I would for sure be re-evaluating this relationship.

Wow, he gives zero shits about you but perhaps even more telling, zero shits about his baby. What a fucking prick.

And please, PLEASE don't give the baby his last name!!! I work for several nurseries and the sheer amount single mothers who has a child with a name that has no connection to them is prolific. Father has fucked off, nowhere in sight, and kid has the last name of a man who has nothing to do with them. Honestly, I have no idea why on earth women keep doing this.

What an arse OP! When I had my baby we had to stay in hospital for over a week & my DP was only allowed to visit for 30mins a day (covid restrictions, even though we were in a private room). I know my DP would of killed to have been up sitting with us for hours a day! If he couldn’t even fake it when your poor baby was in NICU & you were in hospital post-birth it’s going to be a long, miserable time you have ahead of you trying to make him be a good dad & partner.

Surely he was entitled to 2 weeks paternity to be there with you every moment he could - only going home to shower, sleep, get supplies.

I echo PP - please think about your options, get support, your allowed to be in a bubble with another household right now, and think about your future with this man but more importantly your child's future.

Why wasn't he on paternity leave anyway?

Did he call you in hospital just out of interest? Was he even interested in how you were?

PS. If he can't be arsed with his own newborn and partner after major surgery he isn't going to get any better. Gather your strength and leave. You deserve better. Dick.

What a fucking horrible man

I don't understand how anyone could choose to sit round at home rather than spend time with their newborn baby. How disgusting.

He wasn't tired, he just couldn't be arsed. Shocking lack of care, how has he been since you got home? Doing his fair share???

Wow did he actually want a baby? I could not live with this man after being treated so appallingly!

You're 100% right he doesn't care.

You are really really really not being over sensitive. Really.

Incredibly poor behaviour

That's honestly madness... I'd be fuming, especially when he seems to be working practically part time 11-4.30/5 is 25-30 hours a week which is part time.

What a vile excuse of a man. He’s a lazy selfish knob who couldn’t be there for you at a key time. I’d ditch him. No excuses.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. I hope you are both doing well.

The man is a pig. There's no excuse for not coming to see you both. I feel cross on your behalf.

I'd have left him over that - no messing about. Sorry but a sick baby and your partner going through hell? He shouldn't have even gone to bloody work let alone not come in after!! No job on earth would keep me away from my child

Thank you everyone for the responses. I have drove myself insane wondering if I am just been overly sensitive. The fact not one person can see why he didn't visit us tells me a lot. I see how have been right in how I feel, so something definitely has to be done about it!

Oh honey I'm so sorry you've had to go through this alone. I've been in your situation and it's the hardest thing to go through. I can't believe he's not come to see you and give you support. He's acting like a dick.

It would be easy to say he's a wanker that just doesn't care about you both. That's what his behaviour seems to suggest. However, even though it was a few years ago now, I remember the terror of being in the NICU. It's the most awful feeling when someone you love is in trouble and you don't feel you can help them. He may well be overwhelmed and running away. It's not ok but it's completely understandable. NICU is very hard to cope with. I think it can be harder for the men to deal with. Mothers have that bond from carrying the baby right away and you're so focused on baby you make yourself stay in that NICU when you'd rather be anywhere else. IME father's sometimes need some time to get their heads round it. Try to tell him how you feel but it's really important to ask him to open up about his feelings. Dad's sometimes get a bit forgotten in this journey and it's hard for them too. Good luck xxx

@Marley20 I would agree with you but he didn't even bother coming to visit me when I was in hospital before baby was born. Otherwise I could maybe understand he might be struggling but knowing him as a person and how he usually is I just feel it's been that he doesn't care. I will however be speaking to him and explaining how I feel to see what he says.
I have tried telling myself he maybe just couldn't handle the situation, but I can't help but feel that's not the case. I will however speak to him about it all and see if he gives me any better reason other than he was just too tired. Thank you for you input and a little different perspective on it

I completely agree with everyone and particularly what YoniAndGuy has said.

Please make sure you give your baby your surname as this will help to avoid some major possible issues in the future. I know he is insisting on his but please don't give into him. He let you both down majorly and still hasn't bothered helping you and has left it all to you. Not the actions of a proper father at all.

The fact he didn't bother visiting you in hospital is shocking but the fact he didn't bother when you were in having his child is beyond all words.

You need support at that time more than ever not being left on a hospital ward feeling abandoned. That is a disgusting way to leave a new mum feeling and it says it all about what he is really like.

Also you have been left to get on with everything by yourself after going through major surgery. He is a shit and "men" like this don't change.

You and your baby deserve so much more than this. No decent man would abandon their partner at a time like that.

I know how much it hurts and honestly it is easier to get out of it now rather than further down the line when he has let you down even more countless times which seems to be the norm for these types.

It got to the stage where I knew I couldn't depend on mine at all for anything as he did similar to me and that horrible hurt abandoned feeling never went away for me and I still feel resentment and hurt about it that it happened at a time I was so vulnerable and needing support.

So he doesn’t work that much, he doesn’t do anything for baby and he doesn’t care about you. Seems to sum it up. I’m not surprised it weighs on your mind op, it’s pretty awful to realise your partner in life and father of your child doesn’t really give a shit about you.
I’m really sorry you’ve had this realisation now, i hope the baby part is going well for you at least.

One of the many important things I've learned from mumsnet is Do Not Put His Name on the Birth Certificate. Please take on board what others who have been in your position are advising.

@YoniAndGuyoni

Completely agree.

You will regret so much if you give this waster the baby's name.

It doesn't make any difference what he tells you...words.... bla bla bla.

Actions are what matters and he doesn't give a damn.

If you take the see easy way out and allow this selfish waster demand his baby,(that he does nothing for) has his name, when the relationship is over, as it will be inevitably.......YOU will be left with the annoyance and inconvenience of having a different name.

Different passport name which would mean you would need HIS permission to go on holiday with YOUR child.

This relationship will not last.

Think of yourself and what is easier for you.

No marriage/no name.

Very simple.

For God's sake don't marry this waster.

Get support IRL