Ghosted by new friend?

[StarbucksQueen]

I dont have many friends - which I'm fine with - and a couple of months ago I met someone through a shared interest, and we had quite a bit in common. We're both relatively new to the same city, and neither of us have any other friends here as yet.
So initially there was lots of texting, and meeting up for walks when allowed. We exchanged small xmas presents and she invited me over for a meal between xmas and new year, and then backtracked, saying she felt she needed to recharge and rest after a hectic few weeks - interviews/job offers..
No problem, I said I was around if she fancied a walk last weekend, but again she declined.
I started a new job on Monday, and got a brief text the night before wishing me well..I replied, thanking her, and asking a couple of questions about stuff relating to her - no reply.
After my first day I sent a text saying my first day had gone well, also asking her about stuff I new she was doing that day - no reply.
Then this morning was a brief text saying 'hope it's still going well x'
Nothing else, just that. No chat about what I'd said in previous texts, or update about her stuff.
Just find it a bit odd... my other friends were made through work, and have evolved over years, so not really great at new friendships..but it seems to have gone a bit 'all or nothing'....

People have shit to deal with OP....illness, depression, family or relationship troubles. Then friendships take a backseat. The fact that she texted you, even briefly would suggest she wants to maintain the friendship.

I very much appreciate what shit people have to deal with..I am by no means insensitive.. this is not a long term friend, it's a very recent one, and up until last week texts from her were lengthy, and numerous each day. I have asked if shes ok, but dont seem to be getting anything back..

You haven't been ghosted...? As PP said, maybe she's busy with other stuff in her life, which sounds likely considering she cancelled Xmas plans.

It sounds like she still wants to be friends. She hasn’t “ghosted” you - she’s still in touch - but is possibly trying to keep you a bit at arm’s length and not have to do chatty texts all the time.

Unfortunately she doesn't have very much in her life right now, no family to speak of, other friends are 100's of miles away, and until 15th of this month no work as this is when the new job starts. The previous job was quite fraught, and this was when contact with me was at its highest..Thanks for all your POV, I'll see how it goes.

She hasn't ghosted you. But it's a really difficult time atm and being a good friend means giving people space and not expecting regular replies. It's exhausting having to make small talk or carry on text convos or even pay much interest to anyone else's life when things are as shit as they are.

I have best friends who will vanish for a few weeks and then resurface, just like I do. And no one takes it personally, we all accept that sometimes you just need a break and to focus on yourself. And it's too tiring to even explain this to people.

I'm sure she'll reach out when she's feeling upto it.

It sounds like she really does have some stuff going on and that she doesn’t really feel like talking about it. But she does want to keep the friendship otherwise she just wouldn’t have bothered with being the first to text on either those occasions. I think it’s fine and it’s more of a her thing than a you thing.

I think she is just keeping in contact but might be swamped with other things in life - keep in there, dont demand by asking stuff, just say hope all is well with you etc.

She is busy! I think take a step back and keep the messages to the odd one and allow her to get back to you when she can. People have a lot going on at the moment, but sending you her last message she is letting you know she is thinking of you and hoping its all going well. I am not sure what more you expect.

Be careful not to suffocate the friendship, allow space and time for things to continue to grow naturally.

She hasn't ghosted you? Maybe she couldn't afford to cater for you or was told to self isolate by the Covid app but didn't want to tell you? Who knows, but she's still in touch with you.

I wonder if she’s feeling low and finding the oomph to be a good pal is hard atm. Her texts read like someone who wants to keep contact but hasn’t got much to give.

I may relate.

Honestly, that sounds like me , I’m useless at texting and often don’t answer all the questions that a friend has asked me , just the most important one (according to me anyway) . I don’t think you’ve been ghosted , if she’s a ‘brief’ texter, like me , maybe keep your texts a bit shorter without too many questions.

It looks like she has things going on. Like you said you haven't known her very long, so really you have no idea of things she could be struggling with. Honestly if you want to remain in the friendship you need to back off and give her some space. She hasn't ghosted you, she's still messaging, even brief messages suggest she wants to continue your friendship. Don't push her away by getting all clingy. Friendships do t need to be full on messaging every week. Sometimes I have flurries of lots of texting with my friends snd then weeks or not much, that's normal.

@wowfudge I was bringing the main, she was doing dessert, and we've both had covid tests after I had contact with someone at work who tested positive, but I appreciate your point.
And much as no one here can see the messages, there has been a marked change in the chattiness...but like someone mentioned, I'll follow her lead, give her some space and just let her know I'm still around if she needs anything.

I would just give it time, it's possible that she's dealing with something, if you want later on you can just send a text along the lines of "hope you are dealing with this new lockdown OK, here if you need anything etc etc" and just do your best from your side of things? It could just be related to how crazy life has been for all of us this week? Hth good luck op xx

@purplethrow up until last week she was the lengthy tester, replying minutes after I'd messaged..I wasnt able to reply straight away due to being at work...
As someone else said, I dont know her that well - although initially she did tell me a lot of stuff, that maybe I wouldn't have shared with someone so soon..but as everyone's different, I was happy to talk through whatever she wanted when we met for a walk ..

When I'm feeling low and depressed, I find it really hard to engage with people. Give her space and time.

I have a friend like this. It's very tiresome, but the fact that she does text even if it doesn't address your questions or give much back is a sign that she's keeping her hand in, maybe until she has more time to spare. I've had to mentally 'demote' my friend to acquaintance level just to make peace with the feeling of rejection, but I'll still be here if she ever wants to rekindle the friendship. It sucks, but life gets in the way sometimes. Try not to take it personally.

I would suggest that this pattern of being very chatty and then withdrawn is typical of a friend when she’s having a tough time with depression. It may not be about you, is what I’m saying.

Is it possible she has found your questions a bit relentless? I have a friend, A, who has backed away from another friend, B, because they could not have a conversation without B (with good intentions I am sure) going on about how hard things must be for A etc etc. She just felt constantly like she was being analysed!

I find it quite difficult when I send someone a, "Good luck today," type message and they reply with a message that demands a response rather than just a, "Thanks," type response.

Not ever exchange needs to be a conversation.

My texts have been chatty from my end, about what I've been up to, and ending with 'how was your day..?' or similar, certainly not relentless...

@StarbucksQueen

My texts have been chatty from my end, about what I've been up to, and ending with 'how was your day..?' or similar, certainly not relentless...

Just a suggestion, but I find putting a statement like “Hope you had a good day” instead of a question like “How was your day?” gives a clearer indication that a reply is not expected, but leaves the option of the recipient replying if they are able to / want to.

You are repeatedly asking her questions - she has chosen not to answer your Qs but has still kept in contact. So you have not been ghosted - why do you think you have? And you continue to ask Qs - she has every right not to answer these - can you see that she is putting down a personal boundary and you are ignoring it and bashing up against it......this is not a good way to conduct a friendship. Back off a bit, take her lead as to the depth and frequency of contact if you want to preserve this friendship.

I'm like this with texting. Chatty one day, irregular or absent altogether for a few weeks as I get caught up with other things. Texting is very very low on my list of things I think about. I can go a whole day or two without even checking my phone, let alone replying to things that aren't critical. And I care for my friends deeply. I'm more of a good occasional catch-up-in person kind of person rather than through social media. I reckon some of my friends would have thought of me like you do your friend - until they get used to how I am with social media.
Social media is not life, it's just a thing - and to some of us, not much of a thing.