Cheating a week after engagement

[Karoliine]

I am totally confused.

Okay, i am a mother of 2 children and younger of them is ours, older one is from my previous relationship.
The father of our younger child asked me to marriage this Christmas. The question was really surpricing because we had been fighting a lot during the past one year. He has been very tensed and moody at the times. But i love him and our good times and i believe in better future, so ofcourse i said yes.
He said things will change to better and we will work on everything no matter what.

So i was really happy and things seemed good. I told everyone about the ring and i felt my love had grown even stronger.

Then one day i saw his phone open on the table. He has always been very protective about his phone, nobody can touch it or see what is in there. That is one of the topics we have been fighting about because my phone is always open and he hides his.
I thought now that we are engaged, let me check and confirm everything is okay.
I found a conversation that changed everything.

A lady was sending him nudes and he was confessing how he still has feelings for her, and there is a war in his heart about what to do. He wrote he is jealous when someone else will take the lady away, and that he will always have love for her. He also wrote that he is wishing to wake up next to her every morning.
In the text i could see that he had only met this lady once and had sex with her, just before i got pregnant 2 years ago. This sex had happened on his trip abroad. But since then there had been contact and communication between him and the lady. That lady lives abroad, far away.
Worst thing was that these messages were sent on the same day he gave me the ring, and days after :(

I told him i know and he was in panic asking if i want to leave. I was just feeling physically sick and next day i only cried the whole time. After that i became very angry at him.

But he has not apologised. He has not shown any signs of regret. Instead he is very angry and blames me about going to his phone and asks if going there made me happy. He has not explained this issue to me in any ways but only by saying that he told the lady about his family just lately and "chose me", and it is the lady who should feel upset, not me.

I feel like he has been keeping the lady there waiting for him all this while. I thought we are only 2 people in this relationship while he has been keeping up an online illusion with another woman who is not even in the same country. On top of that he cheated physically with her just before we started trying pregnancy and according to him, our relationship was not serious around that time but i really thought it was!

I ask myself how to go from here. He acts like a stranger now and i am shocked he was hiding this from me. I had a weird feeling sometimes and i had asked him many times if there is anything he hasn't told me, but he always denied.

I feel like these 2 years have based on lie. His family says i should forget and move on "for the sake of kids". But how do i move on to marriage when everything is broken :(

Good grief

Pack his belongings up and show him the door NOW... is what you do 🌺

What a terrible thing to happen to you. Sending you best wishes. You deserve better.

It sounds like he deliberately left his phone open so you’d find it. Possibly so you would dump him, rather than him needing to dump you and look the bad guy. The engagement might have been part of that action, I’m afraid to say.

Count yourself lucky that you are not married to this guy and can walk away reasonably easily. Why would you want you, and your children, to be around a person who is tense and moody and fighting anyway?

I wouldn’t be marrying him, that’s for sure.
Bloody outrageous that he’s blaming you for going into his phone too.
I’d be kicking him out. He can go back to the other ‘lady.’
Sorry Op. What a horrible thing for you to find out.

So sorry this has happened to you. My instinct would be to leave. You don’t mention your financial circumstances but this man has zero respect for you and you can never trust him. I dont buy into the staying for the kids mantra as if they are growing up in an unhappy, dysfunctional home it isn’t going to benefit them. Id call off the Engagement as it’s based on lies. Also after what You’ve read is he not pursuing the lady as she is in a different country? You deserve better than second best

Now i feel like our good times, conversations, travelling together has been one big lie. Just couple of days ago we spent lovely new year together.

It also feels very stupid that he doesn't see this illusion; Someone who is out there and he basically doesn't know well at all, so how can he "love" her.
But this explains his moodswings at the times.

It also feels humiliating. Buying me a ring and then fucking me up. I really don't wanna take this rign off and explain to people what happened :(
His phone was simply open because our baby took it from him and was carrying it around while he had slept off the phone by his side.

It is just unbelievable that he blames me and tells me he can never trust me again when i have never cheated. If i had done domething like this, i would feel terribly bad and trying my best to resolve things. But he is just quiet and angry and has blocked me from everywhere.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Now is the time for you to leave. His actions tell that you will live to regret it if you don't. Save your children the future heartache now and start living your life without him. In two years time you can have got over the heartache and be free of a secretive dishonest cheat (with a family who will not be supportive of you) or you can be regretting marriage knowing you made the wrong choice.

I would get rid. As hard and scary as it will be you are likely setting yourself and the kids up for heart break later too if you stay. It shouldn’t be the case that it is a competition for his affection, and to be honest if he is blaming you, he likely will stray again. This relationship is not going to be good for you.

He sounds obsessed by her so probably limerance. But he’s ruined your relationship and trust in the process. You can’t live your life with this person. It will destroy you and your children will not know what a healthy relationship is.

Kick him out pronto.

Guilty people always blame the other person.

Instead of owning up he has turned it around to be all about you being sneaky and not about him cheating so now you are all out of sorts.

He hasnt chosen you, he has chosen you both and no doubt any opportunity he gets to see her he will be straight over there.

Dump him, enjoy your life without living with someone moody and who has no respect for you.

Leave him for the sake of the children and your own sake.

Don't marry him.

He's acting like he thinks he's a prize. He isn't, he's a cheating louse. But his attitude stinks, and it shows that he thinks shagging around on you is OK. He'll do it again if you marry.

Ending the engagement might seem embarrassing, but it's not as difficult as ending a marriage. It's his shame, not yours.

Don’t marry him
Take the ring off and tell everyone it’s because he’s cheated on you, he has all the shame here not you. Don’t listen to his family

He blames you? He is an absolute idiot. Please do not marry this man, he has no respect for you at all.
He gave you a ring and then messaged this other woman?
Good grief!
Do you have any support anywhere, anyone who can help you?
Do not feel stupid, you are most certainly not the stupid one here.
This has been going on since before you were pregnant! Seriously, get him gone now and don't look back, I doubt he has stopped messaging her. And if he has, they'll be others. Save yourself the heartache and find yourself a real man, one who gives you a ring for the right reasons. Love and respect.

Please don't marry this man. Ask him to leave. No good can come from this.

What a nasty piece if trash he is. His actions are unforgivable and blaming you and showing no remorse now is even worse, he sounds horrendous, cruel, and delusional.

When you say trying for pregnancy, do you mean it was planned and intentional? If so, agreeing to try for a baby with you knowing this was bubbling away in the background was despicable.

I thought now that we are engaged, let me check and confirm everything is okay

This alone tells you all you need to know . Do you really want to sign up for a lifetime of this ?

He’s now blocked you? Honestly, this guy is a joke, immature, selfish and sleazy. Tell him to get out, the engagement is off and the relationship is over. He can never bring you happiness OP, but freedom will.

We intentionally had a baby, it was all planned. I had no idea there was woman in the picture which makes it so totally weird. I would somehow understand if it was a one night stand 2 years ago and he apologised and was sorry.
But this kind of communication is just unbelievable. It's almost like living in some fantasy world because literally i am 100% sure he has not met this lady since 24 months ago as he has not travelled and we have slept in the same house every night . So how do u keep up "relationship" and why? I think this is my main shock. It feels so foolish, wld be easier to understand if it was a physical affair and both would have gotten something from it.
I wish i could speak to him atleast and talk things through but he totally refuses and closes up when i try to explain how i feel.
It's all just a big mess out of something he could have quit long time ago. I really don't understand the engagement. Why do u give a ring to someone and think of somebody else at the same time ? It doesn't make any sense to me.

Hi @Karoliine I’m so sorry your going through this it’s so awful isn’t it

I’ll give you an honest preview of your future with this man, hopefully it will help you decide what you want/need to do.

First of all he has blocked you and is refusing to talk or explain, do you know why? This is because he has no intention of discussing it or explaining himself to you, because he is NOT sorry, hence why he has not apologised. He is sorry you have found out that is all!! He also has absolutely no intention of changing his behaviour or giving this woman up. Instead his had frozen you out, told you that you are at fault for invading his privacy and blames YOU!!! He is hoping that if he keeps this up for long enough that you’ll shut up, stop asking questions and agree to move forward for the sake of the kids or whatever or their reason he can guilt trip you with.

If you stay with him, you will never have a 100 percent of him, he will always hold part of himself back from you. This will be the part of himself he gives to others, like this lady, and I can guarantee she won’t have been the first and she won’t be the last. He will never ever be completely honest with you and you’ll never be able to completely trust him or will ever be sure that his is faithful...physically or emotionally. This man is out for himself!!!

Think about it carefully - what kind of person can be actively planning on getting pregnant and having a baby whilst cheating or having cheated with someone else. What kind of person can propose marriage and happily get engaged to someone whilst also claiming they are in love with or love someone else!!!

If planning a baby, having a baby, and getting engaged wasn’t enough to make him and honest faithful partner, I can promise you that marriage will absolutely change nothing, he will continue lying and cheating exactly as he has been doing, the only difference will be that you will be even more trapped, even more tied to him, and it will be a lot harder to get rid of him then, than it is right now.

This marriage is of no benefit to you, this relationship is of no benefit to you...YOU deserve so much better than him and he damn well knows it too!!

Don't bother talking things through. Frankly, there's nothing to say.

He'll lie and minimise and blame you for everything and make you feel worse. You only need to know he's scum and you've had a lucky escape.

Block him and do not EVER take him back.

That really is quite dreadful, Karoline. I am so, so sorry and can imagine how hurt you are. I do wonder why he asked to marry you and can only assume he wants a wife (already has a child with you); it is a rite of passage, a symbol of 'settling down' for most people. At the same time he wants to have his cake and eat it. Unfortunately some people are just like that, they think nothing of being committed to one person, raising a family, and having a bit on the side (who may also end up having a child).

I honestly don't know what to say to you because nothing is going to remove the sense of betrayal - and pain - you must be feeling. However you know in your heart that you must end this relationship for your own self respect and for the sake of your children. He is no good for you I'm afraid. It will take time but you will get over it.

The only thing you have to understand is that you never really knew him. Don't try and work it out with logic or apply your own moral code to his behaviours. He's obviously a very damaged person. Be glad you found out. Of course you're hurt angry, confused etc. But you will never understand what happened properly because he has a different set of values & morals to you. Come to whatever practical arrangements you need to and leave it at that. This is not your fault, it's his.

He's cheated on you while you were in a presumably serious relationship and actually planning a baby/trying to conceive.

That's huge on it's own.

Then there's the fact that he's gotten back on contact with (or had done level.of contact all along). And he's actually doing it while getting engaged (!!)

Then there his attitude to being caught - about the cheating back then and the (not physical but still it's cheating) recently by getting nudes, exchanging emotional messages etc.

It seems very clear that his attitude to fidith is that it's ok (for him) as long as you don't know about it. And if you find out about it, it's your fault for looking.

Someone with that attitude to fidelity is not going to make a good partner, likely ever.

He's doesn't seem to see anything wrong with infidelity. He doesn't seem to think he owes his partner (and child's mother) fidelity. He thinks you shouldn't look if you're suspicious avd it's your fault, not his, if you're hurt, decades, angry etc if you find out he has been cheating on you.

Somehow I don't think this attitude goes both ways ... And if you were acting this way, his attitude would be very very different.

There's no winning with this guy, I'm sorry.

He also risked you and your baby's health by cheating around the time you were trying to conceive and not using condoms. Some STDs can affect unborn babies.