Cheating a week after engagement

[Karoliine]

I am totally confused.

Okay, i am a mother of 2 children and younger of them is ours, older one is from my previous relationship.
The father of our younger child asked me to marriage this Christmas. The question was really surpricing because we had been fighting a lot during the past one year. He has been very tensed and moody at the times. But i love him and our good times and i believe in better future, so ofcourse i said yes.
He said things will change to better and we will work on everything no matter what.

So i was really happy and things seemed good. I told everyone about the ring and i felt my love had grown even stronger.

Then one day i saw his phone open on the table. He has always been very protective about his phone, nobody can touch it or see what is in there. That is one of the topics we have been fighting about because my phone is always open and he hides his.
I thought now that we are engaged, let me check and confirm everything is okay.
I found a conversation that changed everything.

A lady was sending him nudes and he was confessing how he still has feelings for her, and there is a war in his heart about what to do. He wrote he is jealous when someone else will take the lady away, and that he will always have love for her. He also wrote that he is wishing to wake up next to her every morning.
In the text i could see that he had only met this lady once and had sex with her, just before i got pregnant 2 years ago. This sex had happened on his trip abroad. But since then there had been contact and communication between him and the lady. That lady lives abroad, far away.
Worst thing was that these messages were sent on the same day he gave me the ring, and days after :(

I told him i know and he was in panic asking if i want to leave. I was just feeling physically sick and next day i only cried the whole time. After that i became very angry at him.

But he has not apologised. He has not shown any signs of regret. Instead he is very angry and blames me about going to his phone and asks if going there made me happy. He has not explained this issue to me in any ways but only by saying that he told the lady about his family just lately and "chose me", and it is the lady who should feel upset, not me.

I feel like he has been keeping the lady there waiting for him all this while. I thought we are only 2 people in this relationship while he has been keeping up an online illusion with another woman who is not even in the same country. On top of that he cheated physically with her just before we started trying pregnancy and according to him, our relationship was not serious around that time but i really thought it was!

I ask myself how to go from here. He acts like a stranger now and i am shocked he was hiding this from me. I had a weird feeling sometimes and i had asked him many times if there is anything he hasn't told me, but he always denied.

I feel like these 2 years have based on lie. His family says i should forget and move on "for the sake of kids". But how do i move on to marriage when everything is broken :(

Sorry if that sounded harsh. Meant with kindness

As to what he's saying to the woman he cheated on you with; who knows what his real feelings are.

He could be just giving her lines to make he'd think he has strong feelings for her, she matters to him etc etc so she sends the nudes and sexts or whatever else he's done. Sine men think women need lines like that to get sexual with them; and some women do.

Even if that is the only reason he's saying things like that; don't take that to mean he doesn't care about her so he cares about you etc. He probably just acts this way in relationships .. he doesn't truly care about anyone other than himself.

If he cheats on you, lies to you, blames you for looking avd finding out he's cheating etc. - he doesn't truly care about you.

He can say he does, but it's not love worth having

we had been fighting a lot during the past one year. He has been very tensed and moody at the times.

He also doesn't sound like a nice/good partner, he sounds quite stressful to be around; possibly even abusive.

Why should you and your kids have to be subjected to him being tense and moody?

Bet he doesn't pull his weight around the house.

His family says i should forget and move on "for the sake of kids"

What about your sake?

Anyway if he's tense and moody and you argue often (probably due to his behaviour) .. and now you have another huge thing to argue about; how is that a good, calm, nice home for the kids?

Also if he very interested to know if his family were told you were the one who'd been cheating, if he should forgive and work it out for the kids.

You shouldn't have to get over this; hrs cheated on you while you were trying to conceive a planned baby.

Now you've found out he's cheated on you while he's proposed marriage to.you.

You shouldn't have to forget ... Would his family forgive and forget if it was them having this done to them by their partner??

He's not trustworthy, he has very low morals.

And I doubt his behaviour is going to change much - especially since he's not even really sorry or taking responsibility.

Blaming you for looking and finding out is insane.

He's not going to change. He isn't even being honest about the situation you both know has happened. Never mind feeling uncomfortable about explaining to people why you aren't wearing the ring anymore, It's going to be a lot harder when you have to tell them you are getting divorced. Finish it now before this situation gets so much harder to end.

Dont feel like you're moving backwards or have wasted time by leaving this excuse for a man just because you have a child with him. Its progression towards being happier and not having to worry non-stop what this man-child is going to do to you next.

He still hasn't said anything. When i tried to tell him how i feel he said it's my fault as i "went seeking for information".
So he is quiet, i am quiet and it seems like he simply doesn't care. It really makes me wonder who have i been living with for the past 2 years.
I think the basic thing would be apologising and concern, no matter the outcome. But if he felt those, i guess he would not have done anything in the first place. Ofcourse hiding his phone has always been very weird. I guess he just cannot live without someone admiring him. He thinks there is someone perfect out there, my compassion is not enough, illusion is better. He is engaged but thinks of another lady and thinks he is in love with her. I could sense long time ago that his mind was elsewhere and i asked him directly but he denied everything.

I don't know where to start from but i have sent house applications and planning to move with kids. Otherwise i don't say anything at home, he doesn't talk to me, i don't talk to him. I'm just so disapointed.

Your fault for searching for information? He sounds like a narcissistic, delusional nut job OP. His morals are very bizarre and warped if he genuinely thinks it's fine to cheat as long as the other person doesn't know, and their fault for not sticking to that arrangement. I would find his delusions quite frightening, please tell us you are going to leave him!

He wants her. If they were in the same country you wouldn't be together but they are not so he settled for chose her. He thinks he's in love snd the reason he was arguing with you pre engagement is because he's angry he can't be with her and he feels guilty about cheating knowing it's wrong but telling himself it's because you are a controlling bitch and if he didn't have a child with you he could be happy with her.

He proposed because that made him feel like less of a bad guy - but he wants her still. Proposing made him feel like he 'did the right thing'. He's now painting himself as a hero who stepped up and behaved like a man and if only you hadn't come along snd spoiled his fantasy he could feel good about himself.

Now you've ruined that, his mum knows, you are giving him grief and he is angry at you for knowing and having a problem with it. Because he's a hero! A good guy! And you are telling him he's not! And now he just wants to be with her again but can't because she doesn't live here.

You are not a whole person to him. He lives in a fantasy world where nothing is real. Not her, nit you, not him. It's all a big made up story in his head.

Sorry typo in the first paragraph. He settled for chose YOU. Except he didn't really he just couldn't have her. And he doesn't even know her so it's another fantasy.

This is very much the cheating type. There will be another one soon, he was obviously looking online. Now he will look for someone closer.

He is a cheat and also a fucking shit human being op.

Stop trying to tell him how you feel. You are basically caught in a cycle of abuse right now. He KNOWS how you feel. Instead you need to explain to yourself that as harsh as it is - he doesnt care about you. YOU are the one that needs to understand this situation, not him.

Please stop thinking that if you could just explain your feelings in the right way, he would be sorry. You should never have to explain to someone why their repulsive and hurtful behaviour is hurtful. If you are doing this, you are with someone who lacks basic human empathy. Run.

You have no choice but to end this, because he isn't even sorry. He is blaming you when he is the one who is in the wrong. The only reasonable response from him would have been absolute apology, begging for forgiveness and promising to to never speak to this woman again. And even if he had done that, you would still be reasonable to end it.

He should be the one moving out - not you.

Pretty much every issue here would be grounds for me to leave a relationship alone, let alone the huge number you have. Please don’t marry him. Focus on planning a happy future that don’t involve him as anything more than an ex who happens to be the father of one of your children.

He wants her. If they were in the same country you wouldn't be together but they are not so he settled for chose her.

Does he actually want either of them?

If he wanted her, why was he trying for a planned baby with op around the same time he cheated? Would the have used contraception/made sure op was using contraception, not planned to try fir a baby,not continued their relationship etc etc??

He could be finished their relationship and moved to be with her. He had no ties to op. He didn't, even after he hooked up with the other woman.

He didn't end things with op, continued trying to conceive etc. But apparently stayed in contact with the other woman too. Though we don't know how often etc. He's just been caught recently. In spite of sexting her recently, he's also proposed to op...

Seems like he actually wants both of them
He wants something on the side as well As his main relationship.

Op found out about this contact with the other woman - he wasn't telling her! He wouldn't have told her. He was proposing marriage and getting engaged.

Seems like he wants his stimulation, fun, excitement etc in the side, as well as the main relationship. That's all.

He didn't have to keep seeing op and impregnate her back then, he didn't have to continue the relationship after she got pregnant (you can see plenty of men walk on their pregnant girlfriends/exes and offer only child maintenance and visits), he didn't have to propose recently.

He's settling but he's making himself feel better about it by having another woman on the go.

He sounds alike a two woman (or more) kind of man.

His attitude (it's your fault for looking and finding out I've been cheating) speaks of huge male, sexist, hypocritical entitlement. I wouldn't imagine he'd be any more faithful to the woman abroad if they were together.

You shouldn’t marry him anyway because you said you have been fighting a lot for and entire year. The OW is just adding insult to injury. You are not in a loving relationship.

His stance is so laughable incidentally.

So if he was speeding or something and got caught on a camera he wasn't aware of .. would he say to the police/court system "well it's your fault for looking at the camera footage".

Would he think that would fly?

So why does he think it flies to say "it's your fault I got caught cheating because you looked at my communications".

You looked because he hides his phone activity to a level thatmade you suspicious, because he's been moody and shitty in his behaviour etc ... and your suspicion/instinct proved well founded.

Cheating isn't ok if it's not found out about; it's not ok - end of story.
I bet he wouldn't take it from you.

Well quite simply, you must decide if this is how you want to continue your life together, to not know what is happening and whether this relationship with the other woman will continue or not, if not her, then could be another. It is hard for most who plan to leave and we all have our reasons, but what is better about living like that?