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Original poster

Husband’s secret sex addiction

40 replies

smudge2011 · 05/01/2021 22:33

I posted a month ago how I found out my husband (been with him for 12 years) had been using Gaydar. After which, I found out lots more stuff came out - a secret email address, masturbating to other men via webcam, masturbating to porn, signing up to gay/swinger dating sites to “chat” to other men, sending men dick pics. It’s been rife!
He had been doing this throughout our whole 12 year relationship (and prior to meeting me too). I had absolutely no idea.
Our sex life has never been great and you could have described it as sexless. When we did do it, it was ok but awkward.
I’m just broken - I feel like I don’t know the man I married. Feel like almost duped into marrying someone I thought I knew.
The betrayal, deceit, lies is unbelievably overwhelming. Just need a huge hand hold!

OP posts:
Lora88 · 05/01/2021 22:52

Has he admitted to being gay ?
Does he want to continue the marriage ? Do you?
I’d suggest therapy together and separately too x

alex1889 · 05/01/2021 23:06

Big hug and handhold OP Thanks I'm sorry this has happened to you and you must feel hurt, betrayed, embarrassed.

What happens for you both now?

8obbingabout · 05/01/2021 23:18

I am so sorry OP but it certainly looks like he is Gay and trying to hide it.

Closetbeanmuncher · 05/01/2021 23:22

So in essance he's deprived you of an authentic relationship to use you as a beard??

I know what I'd be doing with him. 👋🗑️

Yohoheaveho · 05/01/2021 23:47

I'm so sorry Smudge💐
this is a horrible betrayal, utterly unfair you, do not deserve this
This man has wronged you hugely and terribly
How do you feel about the way forward?

jessstan1 · 06/01/2021 01:50

I am so sorry, what a shock this must be to you after all these years. Do you have any children?

You know what you must do, hard though it will be.

You'll get a lot of support on here.
Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 06/01/2021 01:56

I certainly hope you've kicked him out.

faithfulbird20 · 06/01/2021 02:14

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Why are you suffering and staying with him? I'd dump him and move on with my life. I'm sure you'll meet someone better.

MrDarcysMa · 06/01/2021 08:20

I think the issue here is that's he's gay, not sex addiction. If he was a sex addict and not gay surely he'd be sleeping with you too and the focus would be on other women not men.
I'm sorry op, what a shock for you.

Febo24 · 06/01/2021 08:21

I've been through the betrayal of sex addiction with my husband, and his issues issued also predate our relationship so I I know some of what you're feeling. The sexuality relent l element is certainly another layer of shock and betrayal for you.

We separated, there was just no going back in the end, but it has taken months. Do take your time if you need to, there's no rush to make decisions. There is support out there, I really benefited from the partner book by Paula Hall. It doesn't presume you're going to stay, it is focused on you and your recovery from the trauma of betrayal. I also sought counselling from her trained counsellors who specialise in this area.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

What has your husband actually said about all of this, if anything? Mine was like a brick wall.

Febo24 · 06/01/2021 08:25

@MrDarcysMa

I think the issue here is that's he's gay, not sex addiction. If he was a sex addict and not gay surely he'd be sleeping with you too and the focus would be on other women not men. I'm sorry op, what a shock for you.
Not necessarily the case, often sex goes out the window with your loving partner.
harknesswitch · 06/01/2021 09:02

Sex addiction, being gay, whatever label we put on it, he's been cheating on the op for years with other people. Even if it's not been physical, sending pictures, masterbating with other people, chatting, it's all cheating.

Sorry this has happened to you op, it must be devastating to find out the man you married is a completely different person. I'd treat it as a relationship long affair. You would probably benefit from counciling and being able to talk it through with someone

Sundance2741 · 06/01/2021 11:43

So sorry, what an awful thing to find out.

Sending you my best wishes as you work your way through (and out?) of this.

Hailtomyteeth · 06/01/2021 11:52

You feel like you were duped because you were.
He's gay, you've been cheated, by him, so that he looks straight to anyone who cares. Even twelve years ago, people didn't have to hide their sexuality. If he had wanted to hide his lust for men, he could have lived quietly alone without impacting on your life.

What are your circumstances? Age? Employment status? Children? Shared assets? You are still in shock but I'm guessing you won't be staying with him. STI check first (nowhere near as embarrassing as you'd think) and start working on your future.

Doodallysally · 06/01/2021 20:01

I mean if he hasn't hooked up, masturbated to, or sex chatted with any women, during this entire time, then he is most definitely gay.......Sex with you was clearly to keep you from suspecting. Him being gay isn't something you can do couples counselling on to change (like you could at least try to with just a sex addiction or cheating behaviour).

Not really sure there is anything you can do but walk away. He's a gay man, you're a woman. He hasn't even respected you enough to come out to you.

Yes, he's lied and wasted your time. Probably because it was easier than admitting his sexuality, and fit the image he wanted to convey. But you know now - so you can either carry on living with someone who will never be sexually attracted to you and always crave dick (sorry for crudeness, but it's true). Or you can walk away, and not waste more time. There's nothing to save here OP, but your dignity, and the rest of your life. 12 years is small fry compared to 40 years.

Wiredforsound · 06/01/2021 20:20

Been there. Your husband is gay.

Original poster
smudge2011 · 06/01/2021 21:19

Yes @Doodallysally you’re absolutely right. I feel like I’ve been used to mask the reality. I’m early 40s which I know is still young but I feel like it’s 12 years of my life I’ll never get back. 12 years of lies basically.

OP posts:
Original poster
smudge2011 · 06/01/2021 21:21

Thank you @Febo24 and sorry to hear you’ve been through this. It’s shocked me beyond belief. I’ve reached out to the Paula Hall organisation to connect to those who have experienced the same as me. When found out my husband was rather open about what he’d been up to but I still suspect that there’s a lot I don’t know.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/01/2021 21:21

I hope you told him that bluntly.

He has stolen prime years of your life. He is a liar and a thief.

And now he needs to work with you in settling an amicable and speedy divorce.

cosmicbabe · 06/01/2021 21:30

@smudge2011

Yes *@Doodallysally* you’re absolutely right. I feel like I’ve been used to mask the reality. I’m early 40s which I know is still young but I feel like it’s 12 years of my life I’ll never get back. 12 years of lies basically.
You're right. You won't get those years back so don't let him waste anymore!
Original poster
smudge2011 · 06/01/2021 21:43

Thank you @alex1889
It makes things more tricky as we have a child (4 yr old) otherwise I would have told him to leave the night I found out. He’s still living here but I’m just not happy at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
smudge2011 · 06/01/2021 21:45

@CuriousaboutSamphire yes I was incredibly blunt about that. Told him that he took away 12 years of my life of having a loving and fulfilling relationship that I could have had with someone else. He well and truly had his cake and bloody ate it.

OP posts:
thelake · 06/01/2021 22:03

Aside from sex and the massive betrayal of trust, what was he like as a husband? Do you think you could split up amicably?

thelake · 06/01/2021 22:04

Reminds me of Philip Scofield. Couldn't believe it... everyone saying how brave he was etc. he basically came out before he was outed and on his terms. Grrr

cosmicbabe · 06/01/2021 22:06

@smudge2011

Thank you *@alex1889* It makes things more tricky as we have a child (4 yr old) otherwise I would have told him to leave the night I found out. He’s still living here but I’m just not happy at all.
Don't stay for a child. You will be fine. My ex left me when our son was 18 months old. You will cope. Big hugs xx
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