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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband’s secret sex addiction

40 replies

smudge2011 · 05/01/2021 22:33

I posted a month ago how I found out my husband (been with him for 12 years) had been using Gaydar. After which, I found out lots more stuff came out - a secret email address, masturbating to other men via webcam, masturbating to porn, signing up to gay/swinger dating sites to “chat” to other men, sending men dick pics. It’s been rife!
He had been doing this throughout our whole 12 year relationship (and prior to meeting me too). I had absolutely no idea.
Our sex life has never been great and you could have described it as sexless. When we did do it, it was ok but awkward.
I’m just broken - I feel like I don’t know the man I married. Feel like almost duped into marrying someone I thought I knew.
The betrayal, deceit, lies is unbelievably overwhelming. Just need a huge hand hold!

OP posts:
Original poster
smudge2011 · 06/01/2021 23:21

@faithfulbird20 we have a child so it’s not so straight forward otherwise I would have told him to go and never contact me again.

OP posts:
Original poster
smudge2011 · 06/01/2021 23:23

@cosmicbabe I know it’s true not to stay because of our child. I feel angry that not only has he mucked up my life but also the impact of his actions will also affect our child.

OP posts:
Original poster
smudge2011 · 06/01/2021 23:27

@cosmicbabe sorry to hear that your ex left you.

OP posts:
Original poster
smudge2011 · 06/01/2021 23:28

@harknesswitch thank you

OP posts:
faithfulbird20 · 07/01/2021 03:24

What has he said? Does he want to stay or leave now that you know?

Sakurami · 07/01/2021 04:57

What a bastard!! But you have a child and you're still young so still have loads of time to find a straight man to have an amazing relationship with. Don't look back, just forward and don't waste any more time on this man.

goody2shooz · 07/01/2021 07:44

Think of no one but yourself and your child here. What do YOU want? What is best for you and your child? Do not think about what your ‘husband’ wants or feels, he’s been doing that very well thank you. Going forward it’s all about you and your dc. Speak to a solicitor and get legal advice re divorce, and move forward and make the best of the rest of your life. Good luck 💐

Closetbeanmuncher · 07/01/2021 08:14

There's still time to have that life with someone else OP but the most time you waste the more time you lose.

You can either waste your life being angry and resentful or take steps to seperate. He's gay and that's no amount of waiting around or resentmemt is going to change that.

Closetbeanmuncher · 07/01/2021 08:15

I'd also have an STI test if I were in your shoes.

PearlyTummy · 07/01/2021 12:44

@smudge2011 I have a friend who asks for advice from time to time, and I would describe him as a sex addict (my friend). He doesn’t consider himself to be gay, but has such a huge need for sex - he will go to gay men because he knows it’ll be quick/easy/no strings. He has no feelings for the people he meets casually - it’s like a quick fix. He has a partner and child, and I know he loves them very much. It reminds me of Madonna/whore complex type scenario - or the film ‘Shame’ with Michael Fassbender. Of course, I don’t approve of what he does, and but he is not a bad person. He definitely sees his partner as the beautiful one, he uses and discards the people he has sex with.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 07/01/2021 13:18

Ugh I have a friend who this happened to and it angers me enormously. Being gay isnt going to ruin anyone's life anymore. Men hiding it only amounts to one thing from what I can see - a way to reap all the benefits of the patriarchy having wifey at home doing all the wife work while you lie and cheat to get your end off. It is appallingly selfish user male behaviour. And agree with PP on Scofield, zero sympathy, the creep only owned up when he got caught shagging a teenager who worked for him.

DedlyMedally · 07/01/2021 13:28

From what you've posted, it doesn't sound like sex addiction. It sounds like he's a gay man.
There isn't really any "fixing" that.
Every day you spend in this relationship is another day of your life wasted.
He won't feel the same way because he's having his cake (cake seemingly being the appearance of a "normal" heterosexual family life) and eating it ("eating it" being enjoying other men's penises) too.

Yohoheaveho · 07/01/2021 13:32

reap all the benefits of the patriarchy having wifey at home doing all the wife work while you lie and cheat to get your end off
I agree it's just another way to have your cake and eat it, get all the advantages and outsource the downsides to someone else 🧐

Ella1419 · 22/09/2022 20:49

Hi @smudge2011 wondering how your getting on. First of all I'm sorry this has happened to you. No one deserves this. I'm searching for people to connect with as iv recently found out literally the same. I'm so broken and feel so low I have been out of my mind. It's been going on for years and I have 3 small children. I know this feed hasn't been written on in a year but I'm hoping you see this and let me know your end result

ShandaLear · 22/09/2022 20:51

He’s not a sex addict. He’s gay. You have a gay husband.

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