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Original poster

If someone has told you “it will never happen again I promise”, has it happened again?

73 replies

Poppyqueen · 05/01/2021 20:58

Struggling a lot at the moment, my husband works away and my mind runs wild when I’m on my own.

A few years ago I found out about a cam girl addiction he had. He spent a lot of money on it and done it ALOT. I still haven’t fully forgave him but I have tried my best to move on from it, and I never bring it up to him. He apologised constantly at the time and swore he would never do it again.

Fast forward 1 year, he called a “thai massage parlour”, it was a mobile number on Gumtree so doubt an actual parlour! He had withdrawn £100 and when I quizzed him about the money it was nowhere to be found but he swore he never went. It was also in a different city and he was alone while I worked so have no idea if he went or not, although I’m 99% sure he did. Basically he apologised for even calling and said although the never went he’s so sorry for even thinking about it and it will never happen again.

I’m just waiting for the next thing to happen, I can’t get past this feeling of something else happening.

If anyone else has been told by their partner/husband “it will never happen again”, has it?

please be kind with any replies, I know the above makes me sound like an idiot but I’m a mum of 2 young kids on my own in lockdown while he is away working, im finding things tough at the moment.

Thank you

OP posts:
TimeToCloseTheDoor · 05/01/2021 21:03

How old are your DC and how long have you been married?

We did have a few bumps along the road like yours when the D.C. were young and he was a twat. Things weren’t easy at times but now, it’s all settled. We are both older and have changed.

Appleofmyeye05 · 05/01/2021 21:06

Yes in my experience it happened again.

He tried to get better at hiding it but it always ended up coming out in the wash. It wasn’t always cams, i would see pics of his penis on his phones camera roll whilst he was innocently uploading pictures to Facebook. He also used drugs quite regularly and had several close encounters at losing his job and it always was the last time! But there was always another time.

So sorry you’re going through this.

CallistoSol · 05/01/2021 21:08

No, because either of those things would be a deal breaker for me. Ime leopards do not change their spots, and life is too short to have to deal with this kind of behaviour.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/01/2021 21:09

Your husband uses prostitutes. Men like him always do it again.

Mimi07 · 05/01/2021 21:10

Bless you.
How crap.
Mine is a total liar. Will lie about the colour of his socks if he thinks it will be a problem. He won’t change and I know it.
So it’s not really the same but yeah, I get promised things will change and they never do.
I’m not sure I could forgive your guy though.
I know it’s not easy to leave and I personally am sticking around for my kids and financial reasons - but you deserve so much more!!!!

Eckhart · 05/01/2021 21:13

He's a liar, OP.

The reason you 'can't get past' the issue is because it doesn't make sense to. Your instincts are waving red flags at you, and you're trying to ignore them.

Even if he never did do it again, the trust is gone, isn't it. I'm sorry.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 05/01/2021 21:13

I've been told that by a man before, two different men who were in long term relationships with me and I'm afraid that yes it has happened again, repeatedly.
If they are the type of men who do this kinf of thing in the first place they don't change, not ever.
it's up to you whether you can learn to ignore it or not. I've known women who want to hang on to their comfortable lifestyles so they just ignore it.
I couldn't personally but a lot can.

Longtimelurker21 · 05/01/2021 21:15

Yes he will do it again, he will just get better at hiding it.

Knucklehead101 · 05/01/2021 21:16

Im really sad to say that yes it did happen again. Many times to my shame before I divorced him. Good luck lovely x

Shoxfordian · 05/01/2021 21:17

It will definitely happen again
Don’t be a mug

AnneTwackie · 05/01/2021 21:17

Yes he will do it again and you will find it harder and harder to leave. I’m so sorry Flowers

scotgal2017 · 05/01/2021 21:18

Yep. Ex decided when working away after 14 years together that he would happen to message me and mention "oh by the way, wanted to tell you that all the eway through our relationship, I've visited strip clubs/lapdancing clubs". When asked why mention it now, the reply was because all his workmates were having a discussion about whether they tell their partners/gfs/wives about if they go to these types of places and he thought he would just bring it up.

Nearly ended our relationship but he begged to stay together and wouldn't do it again.....2 years later, looking at the joint account when he was away, name of bar just sent alarm bells off in my head, looked it up - yep a strip club. I got the "I didn't lie to you I just didn't tell you that I'd been".

We had other stuff going on (like he was an abusive arsehole) and he eventually left for OW but I trusted him even less after he blew another fucking great big hole in our marriage with the news out of the blue!!

BlueThistles · 05/01/2021 21:22

I wouldn't ever give anyone the chance to do it again... 🌺

hadesinahalfahell · 05/01/2021 21:24

It already has happened again? He told you the first time he would never do anything like that again, but he did.

AmywithanL · 05/01/2021 21:25

It already has happened again? He told you the first time he would never do anything like that again, but he did.

This

Original poster
Poppyqueen · 05/01/2021 21:29

Our children are 3 and 6, we have been together for 10 years and married for 2. I’m late twenties and he is mid-late thirties.

Sounds like my gut feeling is right then, it will happen again and it’s only a matter of when.

With the cam girls I told him if anything like that happened again we would be finished completely, and then the “Thai massage” thing happened and I never had the strength at the time to leave, I just let it slide which I kick myself for and should have never let him get away with it

OP posts:
warmandtoasty2day · 05/01/2021 21:31

lost me at his 'penis pics' boak ! he's gone.

ilhahih · 05/01/2021 21:34

My ex used prostitutes.
The first time he did it and I found out he swore blind he would never do it again and begged for forgiveness.
Of course it happened again. So the next time he blamed alcohol and swore he would never do it again.
The next time it happened he blamed a mental health crisis.

It didn't happen again because we ended up splitting. I have no idea if he is using prostitutes while living with his new girlfriend. I doubt it as the local brothel is closed due to COVID regulations. But I don't doubt that when it opens again and when the first difficulties arise in his new relationship or he has a "mental health crisis" or too much alcohol, he'll be using prostitutes again.

Just get rid OP. It's going to keep happening and you will end up feeling shit.

AmywithanL · 05/01/2021 21:41

Sorry your going through this OP.

But for your childrens sake as well as your own have a serious think about your future with this man. I know it doesnt bear thinking about, specially when there are children involved but yours are young and will get through it.
He is a liar. He could very well be testing the waters with you and move on to something more physical with someone, seeing as you took his word for it last time.

Ive been in a similar situation where he swore on his sons life he would never do it again. He did. I stayed, he did again, I stayed. I stayed because I have children...10, 8 and 3. Didnt want a broken home.
Until one day I was sat crying into my phone, wondering if hes doing it again and I heard my 8 year old say ‘Mummys crying again’
And something clicked, I wasnt having my children see me like this and I went. Told him it was over packed his things and chucked him out and oh my god I have been the happiest ive been in a long while and so have my children

So please, dont take anymore bullshit from him because he WILL do it again.

Miffyliffy · 05/01/2021 21:46

He doesn't have the slightest bit of respect for you and when you're with someone who has no respect for you there's kind of nothing stopping them from doing whatever they want especially after you've stayed despite those two incidents of disgusting behaviour.

He 'knows' you'll stay with him so absolutely he will continue it.

How much happier would you be not having this in the back of your mind? Imagine waking up and not having any of these things in the back of your mind and having a clear head where you can focus on yourself and your kids!!!

You shouldn't put up with that.

Leave.

RUOKHon · 05/01/2021 21:48

Yea of course it will happen again if they learn they can get away with it once.

Regularsizedrudy · 05/01/2021 21:50

What he has told you is the tip of the iceberg. He is using prostitutes, I’m sorry I know that’s not what you want to hear but it’s what everything points towards. Please get an STI test and make plans to leave.

Lozzerbmc · 05/01/2021 22:09

My ex was on dating sites, i found out by chance and was distraught. He assured me it would never happen again ... but of course it did! Leave now while you are still young

Weirdfan · 05/01/2021 22:20

There's no way round the fact that 'forgiving' them once effectively gives them the green light to do it again, why wouldn't they when they know you won't leave? One mistake in very particular circumstances, followed by a genuine realisation of potential consequences and some serious introspection and work to ensure it doesn't happen again and there might be a chance but that's not what's happening here OP. In your case I'd say there's no very little chance it won't happen again and you'd be saving yourself a whole heap of shit in the future if you left him Flowers

barebetty · 05/01/2021 22:27

My ex watched nasty porn. I came across it on the family laptop when my children were little. It made me want to vomit.

I found it again a few years later. I’d had enough.

I bet he still accesses it now.

I remember wailing on here about it at the time (10 years ago) and people would say he doesn’t need a smart phone - take it away Hmm nice victim blaming.

It just made me feel the Ick and I never really got past it. We have a daughter and I remember saying that these girls that he was watching being assaulted were all someone’s daughter. Sad