If someone has told you “it will never happen again I promise”, has it happened again?

[Poppyqueen]

Struggling a lot at the moment, my husband works away and my mind runs wild when I’m on my own.

A few years ago I found out about a cam girl addiction he had. He spent a lot of money on it and done it ALOT. I still haven’t fully forgave him but I have tried my best to move on from it, and I never bring it up to him. He apologised constantly at the time and swore he would never do it again.

Fast forward 1 year, he called a “thai massage parlour”, it was a mobile number on Gumtree so doubt an actual parlour! He had withdrawn £100 and when I quizzed him about the money it was nowhere to be found but he swore he never went. It was also in a different city and he was alone while I worked so have no idea if he went or not, although I’m 99% sure he did. Basically he apologised for even calling and said although the never went he’s so sorry for even thinking about it and it will never happen again.

I’m just waiting for the next thing to happen, I can’t get past this feeling of something else happening.

If anyone else has been told by their partner/husband “it will never happen again”, has it?

please be kind with any replies, I know the above makes me sound like an idiot but I’m a mum of 2 young kids on my own in lockdown while he is away working, im finding things tough at the moment.

Thank you

The problem with doing it once us that you are forever over that line. It never seems as scary or big or as big a deal when you've done something once. So it's soooooo easy to do it again, you just try harder to not get caught.

To do it once at all also tells you all you need to know about the person.

You're on the back foot for both those reasons and gave absolutely no way whatsoever of influencing him to not do it. The only thing stopping him would be himself. And we all know what choice he made last time so......

I want to tell him how much I’m unable to move past things

You only need to say this. You don't have to back it up or qualify it by talking about seeing a counsellor or how long it might take you to fix your issues. There's no reason you should be able to move past what he's done. Your feelings are totally normal, and exactly what he should expect, given his behaviour. Don't make it about what's wrong with you.

Nothing is wrong with you.

@QuentinWinters was it the cam thing that made you separate eventually? I will definitely look into that book, thank you.
No, it was really complicated but we had an agreement after the first time that I could ask to look at his phone at any time and he would show me. I asked 3 times in 5 years and he showed me once. The final time he went off on one at me about how i had to trust him, I was being unreasonable etc then stormed off with his phone for "a run". When he came back he said I could look . It was a pivotal moment.
When I filed for divorce he had to come clean about it because it would come out in mediation. So yeah, my gut was right but rather than admit it he lied, manipulated and was angry with me to deflect.

In hindsight I wish I'd left the first time but I had a baby/young kids and wanted to believe him thar it was a mistake. But it was never the same once I knew he could lie convincingly to my face. The trust was gone.

So sorry this has happened to you, I hope you have some real life support.

Yes, sadly it will most likely happen again (and again and again). He will just get better at lying and better at hiding it.

I was in a similar situation, 2 young DCs, no real job/career (SAHM) so scared of divorce, and hoped he'd change. He promised he would, made all the right noises etc. But I just KNEW he was up to no good and the more he lied and denied, the crazier I felt I was getting. At times he was wonderful, kind, loving etc but the lack of trust and the waiting for him to 'do it again' took a huge toll on my mental and physical health.

10 years on (miserable years on the whole) I discovered I WAS right - he had done it again and again. A very acrimonious divorce followed and whilst I am happier - as are the DCs, who are now adults, just - I wish I hadn't waited around. I wish I called time on the relationship as soon as the first 'indiscretion' and rebuilt a new life when the DC and I were younger.

Wishing you all the best with this. Be reassured that DC are nearly always ok with parents splitting and are often happier - he actually became a much more involved parent once we separated and stepped up.

Trust is such an important part of a happy relationship. Once it's gone, it's gone no matter how hard we try.

Everything that’s being posted makes so much sense.

@Letsskidaddle
Your post actually made me cry, not in a bad way, but what you have mentioned is exactly what I’m going through. 2 young kids, I work but not exactly a career, him making all the right noises and me knowing deep down he’s up to something and making myself crazy with it. I don’t want to keep things the way they are and look back in 10 years like you mentioned and regret not doing anything.

Also I noticed 2 days ago he changed his username on Instagram. Again could be innocent but it makes me think the worst.

Yuk what a sleaze bag. You can do so much better OP. I don't see any point in discussing it with him any further, he will just lie (and my own personal cheater did it again and again). I have been there with a crazy making man and life is so much better without them.

Take legal advice and work out your finances then divorce him. Do you want to still be driving yourself crazy tied up in knots over this loser in five years' time? Thought not.

Also I noticed 2 days ago he changed his username on Instagram. Again could be innocent but it makes me think the worst.

This is the problem when the trust is gone. You end up second guessing everything. Eventually (through counselling) I came to realise my exH wasn't a reliable source of information, all I had to go on was my gut and what a "reasonable person" would think.
I think the lying was crueller than the webcams really because it meant I doubted myself all the time. It's really damaged my mental health.

You will drive yourself mad questioning everything they do and what the motive is for what they do.....honestly you will make yourself ill and unrecognisable as you.....get rid now and get you back and raise your lovely DCs ......men really aren't worth the bother when they are this way

I second guess absolutely everything. If he gets off the phone to someone and he tells me who it was I don’t believe him. If he tells me the money he has withdrawn is for something then I don’t believe him. The trust is gone completely.

I feel like I’m already making myself ill unfortunately.

When the time comes where we do separate because it will happen at some point, the last thing on my mind is another relationship but I fear I will be the exact same. What if I want to go through his phone and emails? What if I don’t believe a word they say?

Has this scarred anyone else for future relationships? Like I said, I’m in absolutely no rush to find anyone as I’m content on my own but wouldn’t rule out another relationship at some point. Just worried I would act the same as what I am now and ruin things with a nicer person.

The amount of trust you have in a person is directly related to how they treat you though OP. You may be initially distrustful in a new relationship but if that person treats you with respect and consideration and doesn't lie to you it will soon fade.

Your responses and feelings currently are coloured by the fact that you're still in the midst of it, still being lied to and gaslighted and made to feel like you're crazy, of course you feel like you'll never trust again. Once you're away from his mind-fuckery and can start to heal you will find it easier to recognise who deserves your trust and who doesn't, it just feels impossible now because he's still messing with your head.

The amount of trust you have in a person is directly related to how they treat you though OP. You may be initially distrustful in a new relationship but if that person treats you with respect and consideration and doesn't lie to you it will soon fade
Yep this.
I do feel a bit anxious if DP is on his phone a lot but he always reassures me and its never a problem. I know 100% he would never use cams or do anything to hurt me.
My marriage has negatively impacted me but my relationship with DP is a blessing to me and its totally different to my marriage.

Thanks everyone.

I feel like I have come to a bigger realisation just by listening to other peoples stories

I have been feeling this way for years, why would I waste another 5/10 years feeling this way when life is so short

It will happen again.
Get yourself a solicitor.

Have you got family and friends you can talk to? I'd start there, you will need support and I'm sure they will be horrified. I told noone about exH at first as I loved him and was so ashamed, when I did start telling people the support I got was brilliant.

Yes it did happen again, despite begging and promises.
At the point it happened again I got rid immediately. Trying to trust was impossible and I didn't want to spend my life paranoid and checking up on him.

Of course. If they get away with it once they know they can again, just be more sneaky

I have a close friend I could confide in, she knows small details already but doesn’t know the whole picture.

Only family I could tell is my mum and dad, and they get along great with him. Another reason for not wanting to discuss it with them is because what he has actually done, cam girls, prostitutes.. it just makes me feel sick

yes, because of embarrassment you end up colluding in the pretense that he's a really great guy and that you're over reacting (by ending it)

I get that it can be so embarrassing to tell your parents this kind of stuff. Just tell them once, sort of manifesto style, take a deep breath, tell them what you cannot put up with and then at the end tell them that you're not ready to answer anymore questions yet but that what you've said is true.

You cannot support them through their readjustment of their perception of him.

my x didn't do this (that I know of) but he hit me and it was so embarrassing telling my parents. I had totally colluded with the he's a great guy script for years.

You have to blow that out of the water so that those closest to you respect your right to a standard, respect your right to act on that standard and respect your right not to square up for decades more.

I have been feeling this way for years, why would I waste another 5/10 years feeling this way when life is so short

So true, to quote the red hot chilli peppers, this life is more than just a read through.

Only family I could tell is my mum and dad, and they get along great with him. Another reason for not wanting to discuss it with them is because what he has actually done, cam girls, prostitutes.. it just makes me feel sick
I thought this but a) turns out my parents private views of exH weren't quite as rosy as the public one and b) they are my parents and were horrified he'd treated me like that.
My dad is a bit embarassed to talk about it but my.mum has been incredible

They won't want to discuss it either. They'll just be supportive of you walking away from it.

What @QuentinWinters says about trust, it does come over time when you trust yourself to recognise a red flag and act on it, then you don't need to worry so much about trusting others. You know that you will be able to walk away from what doesn't feel right. It was a gradual process for me as he had eroded my self-esteem in to the gutter but over time, I became better at drawing a line and throwing in the towel. Now I trust MYSELF.

Thank you all

I will speak to my friend at the weekend at some point and hopefully open up to her (over the phone obviously - lockdown!) feel very anxious about speaking to someone about it though, not sure why.

Once I take that first step there is no going back really