[possible trigger] Father’s vile comments really getting to me

[nomorecrumbs]

Can’t bring myself to call him DF!

My dad is in his mid-70s and has for many years now suffered from some undiagnosed personality problems, likely to include narcissism, possibly BPD, as well as alcoholism, anxiety and depression. Probably more.

I am low contact with him as he has a history of latching onto me and bombarding me with obviously abusive and nonsensical calls, voicemails, emails...just like he used to do with my DM, after she left him many years ago.

The usual verbal abuse I could easily ignore, I’ve recently blocked his emails so they only go in my spam folder and I only answer his phone calls about once every few weeks, and refuse to pick up if he calls again soon after that initial call, because I know he will be drunk and horrible.

That was all fine, but last year he started sending a lot of emails to do with sex and him using prostitutes, and lots of references to childbirth as well as my mum giving birth and it was off-putting but still somewhat manageable. But then I did a duty call at Christmas and he sent an email soon after saying that I had “nice legs” and how I should split up with my DP so he could “share” me. There was probably more and worse but I haven’t checked my spam folder since.

Honestly those last emails gave me the full-on creeps and I’ve been tempted to go NC with him properly. I’m posting here today because I had a nightmare about him last night and I just don’t know where to go from here. DP doesn’t even know about this last part but has suggested cutting him off entirely whenever DP has seen me upset about about whether to accept the calls or not. My friends don’t understand his mental problems and have suggested interventions, forcing him to get medical help etc. all of which he of course refuses.

One small part of me feels so pitying for him, a large part feels utter disgust and outrage and then finally I wonder if this will all completely fuck me up when he finally passes away (his health isn’t great, I don’t think it will be long). Can anyone direct me to any particular sources of help or support? Thank you

Personally I'd direct you to police. You're not his saviour. You're his daughter and he's abusing you and harassing you. The sexual element is horrific. I'd go NC without a second thought. You don't owe him anything - you're his victim.

I think he should be reported to the police. This is really strange behaviour and you should take steps to protect yourself.

@legalseagull

Personally I'd direct you to police. You're not his saviour. You're his daughter and he's abusing you and harassing you. The sexual element is horrific. I'd go NC without a second thought. You don't owe him anything - you're his victim.

legalseagull has it absolutely spot on.

Stop pitying him. And block him for good.

Thanks both, I live a long distance away from him and he doesn’t know where I live or work (though he goes though phases of trying to find out). So in that physical aspect I feel safe. It’s just the mental aspect that is currently bothering me.

If you described this behaviour in someone else they would be viewed as an abusive stalker.
You should not have to maintain an abusive relationship for fear of him dying. All parents die.

Block him, and I say this as someone with a parent who has a chronic mental illness. I don't know how you tolerate that.

Cutting contact with my Dad was the most liberating thing I could have done. My head was so much clearer when I cut the baggage associated with him loose. He died a few years back having not seen or heard from each other in 20 years and I felt nothing because I'd let it all go and knew he didn't deserve my thoughts or tears.
Full no contact is the way forward, if he continues to push, report to the police

Have you read the Stately Homes threads on the relationships board? You will find people who are dealing with similar there. I would block him, and go no contact. You are not responsible for his wellbeing or behaviour in any way. He’s chosen not to get help from appropriate sources, and you are not trained, qualified or equipped to provide the healthcare or support he needs but declines. That’s on him, not you.

I would contact HIS local police station.

He sounds very disturbed.

OP,
Protect your mental health and block.

So sorry.

I’m sorry OP. My dad was a creep, although in more subtle ways than yours, a misogynist and surely had some form of NPD. He was also an alcoholic and couldn’t face any of his problems, especially from his childhood.
Please don’t feel guilty about cutting contact for your own mental well-being. When my dad passed away after a short illness I felt relief more than anything, if not for my long suffering elderly mum. While he was alive (and for some time after) I alternated between feeling pity and rage. I experienced what I’ve learned is called ‘complex grief’ but it didn’t last long. As I said, the overwhelming feeling was of relief and freedom.
He’s abusive and you don’t deserve to be on the receiving end of any of his vile disgusting behaviour, which I expect may be a ploy to try to get a reaction out of you or attention. Don’t rise to it, and keep as much distance as you can, even if that means no contact at all. Are you dependent on him for anything? I found being financially dependent on my parents (i.e. him) while I was at uni and in my 20s, which was used to justify his controlling behaviour, really difficult.
You’re not alone in having a parent like this
DM me if you like.

Could this be Alzheimer’s or dementia related? Both can cause inappropriate sexual behaviour, often distressingly aimed at family members.

I wouldn’t advise that you get involved with him directly due to his past behaviour towards you, but is there anyone who cares for him or a social worker etc that you can flag this with? Age Uk can also provide advice and help signpost you. If he is officially diagnosed, then there will be more support available.

Once you have flagged it with the appropriate people, you can go NC knowing that you’ve done what you can without putting yourself at risk.

He is abusing you and harassing you.
Please please go NC and call the police.

Tell your DP about it so he can support you x

Report to police and block. Very strange sexual abuse behaviour

I found from experience of my brother ( who sadly got premature alzeimhers) that the sexual proprieties were one if the first to go. He was in a care home and so was able to be treated with appropriate medication. Don't rush to judgement if it is possible to explore that option. Perhaps report to his GP? He could be making other females that he comes into contact with uncomfortable as well. ? ( As my brother did with his carers )

I'd report him to police; because he may be making abusive sexual approaches to other vulnerable females IRL. And has a fixation on his "little girl" yuck.

I'd also report him to his ISP, as his messages have almost certainly breached their terms of service so they will dump his account.

Then I'd go NC, for good. No woman should put up with his crap.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I have no practical advice beyond that already given, just wanted to leave these

This is awful OP and I agree with all other comments. You should really also tell yr DP the latest comments, you need someone to talk to. And please do not visit him alone.

Get rid - pronto!

Last year I dealt with my father (who I had on a severe info diet) commenting on a photo of me with "wow you look great. Have you considered a career in pornography?"

After an entire childhood of watching him assault/force himself onto my DM, then dealing with him making advances when I hit my teen years (as well as watching "jailbait", and leering at high school girls) that comment tipped me over the edge and I've been NC ever since.

Cut the whole tree down. Its rotten.

Please know that you are justified in going NC. Do not attach any guilt to that decision whatsoever.

He sounds mentally unwell. You should involve the police for his sake and your own. If they visit him they may refer him to MH or adult social care. If you have to do something, do that and then let go. Delete your email account if you can and any other ways he has of contacting you.

What benefit are you getting from continuing the relationship with him?

Ugh. He may be your father, but you owe him NOTHING AT ALL. Start to grieve now, by all means, for the relationship he should have given you but didn't, couldn't, wouldn't and never will. But he will not deserve your grief himself. You (and your family) are your ONLY responsibility here.

It's worth looking into whether he has some sort of dementia, particularly korsakoff syndrome as this can be caused by drinking and lead to personality/behavioural issues

Have you not considered that he may be suffering from dementia?

My first thought was a mental health issue.

You'll be a better judge of that though.

Thanks everyone, and wow - I didn’t know that about how Alzheimer’s and dementia can cause inappropriate sexual behaviour. His mother had some form of senility (and my dad is approaching the same age now) and I do wonder if there is a link. He is so physically independent that I struggle to associate him with having some kind of neurodegenerative disorder.

I feel a responsibility still to get him support and my heart aches that he may be suffering without knowing why. I know this is a symptom of being a child of an alcoholic. So I’m torn between reaching out to try and get support for him (which I’m sure he is too proud to accept) and just going full NC.