[possible trigger] Father’s vile comments really getting to me

[nomorecrumbs]

Can’t bring myself to call him DF!

My dad is in his mid-70s and has for many years now suffered from some undiagnosed personality problems, likely to include narcissism, possibly BPD, as well as alcoholism, anxiety and depression. Probably more.

I am low contact with him as he has a history of latching onto me and bombarding me with obviously abusive and nonsensical calls, voicemails, emails...just like he used to do with my DM, after she left him many years ago.

The usual verbal abuse I could easily ignore, I’ve recently blocked his emails so they only go in my spam folder and I only answer his phone calls about once every few weeks, and refuse to pick up if he calls again soon after that initial call, because I know he will be drunk and horrible.

That was all fine, but last year he started sending a lot of emails to do with sex and him using prostitutes, and lots of references to childbirth as well as my mum giving birth and it was off-putting but still somewhat manageable. But then I did a duty call at Christmas and he sent an email soon after saying that I had “nice legs” and how I should split up with my DP so he could “share” me. There was probably more and worse but I haven’t checked my spam folder since.

Honestly those last emails gave me the full-on creeps and I’ve been tempted to go NC with him properly. I’m posting here today because I had a nightmare about him last night and I just don’t know where to go from here. DP doesn’t even know about this last part but has suggested cutting him off entirely whenever DP has seen me upset about about whether to accept the calls or not. My friends don’t understand his mental problems and have suggested interventions, forcing him to get medical help etc. all of which he of course refuses.

One small part of me feels so pitying for him, a large part feels utter disgust and outrage and then finally I wonder if this will all completely fuck me up when he finally passes away (his health isn’t great, I don’t think it will be long). Can anyone direct me to any particular sources of help or support? Thank you

I feel a responsibility still to get him support and my heart aches that he may be suffering without knowing why.

It's very sad that you feel you need to take on this responsibility. You don't. It's not on you.
He has treated you appalling and has not been a positive factor in your life.
Report to police / local authority if you want. But you owe him nothing further.

Has he always had this behaviour or just in his late years?

My grandad lost his inhibitions when he had dementia and would think his daughters were his late wife...
It has to be carefully managed, theres obviously much more for why your low contact but you could maybe raise your concerns with his GP so you feel a sense that you've fulfilled an obligation.

Just go NC. I'm astounded you haven't? He's vile and you owe him nothing. I went NC with my father for a lot less but he was also a horrible, selfish man who drank too much. You live far away so it should be easy enough. Don't allow yourself to be treated like this. Block and forget about him. If your conscience is stopping you then report it to social services or someone first if you're concerned for his welfare.

I know exactly where you are at with this, my father is an addict and possibly personality disordered, I witnessed DV towards my mother and his subsequent partner, witnessed him take an overdose when I was a teenager. Lots of coercive control towards all women, restraining orders and a sectioning. Used to watch porn VHS tapes in the living room whe I was a young teenager so I couldn’t go in there, I’d just scuttle past the door and run up to my room.

In his 70s he became somewhat debilitated by back pain and abusing painkillers, and it became unbearable for me, one of the last things he did before I went NC three years ago was text me saying that he had attempted suicide in front of me as a teen because my mum had asked him if he wanted to have sex with me, and he couldn’t live with it. It just wasn’t true and I feel like he was frustrated that he couldn’t hit me or abuse me so he wanted to degrade me instead. It’s just another tool for them.

I am NC now and while I do have peace in my life I do sometimes struggle with guilt (like you say, a child of an alcoholic feels obligated to fix everyone). I know that I am judged by people around him because he doesn’t tell them the whole story. But ultimately you need to save your own sanity! You deserve peace.