Please come and talk to me about the constant physical and mental pain and anguish of divorce

[Londono]

DH and I are getting divorced. I'm having weekly counselling and I'm starting to think he is emotionally abusive after he has spent years telling me I am and that I'm a bully. It is VERY confusing, hurtful and we have lived with this for six months now. The divorce is filed but we will have to live together for for quite some time yet while the house sells.

I constantly feel sick to my stomach, can't sleep and feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest all the time. We are all at home so there is no respite for either of us or the DC now schools have not reopened.

I do go running once a day which helps but otherwise I feel the worst I have ever felt. Can anyone tell me about their similar feelings and how to alleviate it? I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I hear you. We haven't filed yet but are month into the process and his financial restrictiveness, barbed comments and laziness around the house are making living together so uncomfortable. I just want my own place. Its all further exacerbated by the knowledge that im going to go from being secure financially to being really hard up...all because We chose for me to be a sahp and now he refuses to acknowledge fully that this means my future is compromised. I thought it was forever, that was a risk I could afford to take.
Its all so painful and sad and uncomfortable...and I thought it would never happen to me,
Im sorry you're going through it Londonno. Lockdown really makes it 1000 times worse.

The finances keep me awake at night - I'm so sorry you have such worries too. Lockdown is making it a million times worse, no hugs from friends or going away to see them or escaping for a weekend.

There is light at the end of the tunnel though. Once the house is sold you are free. Keep strong and keep going. Go for two runs a day if you need. Do online meditation. Do yoga. Keep physically active and fit

There's been no interest in the house so far so the light is rather further away than I want it to be. But I know what you mean.

I’m sorry to hear you are having such an awful time. I went though this except we didn’t have to live together during the divorce that must be complete hell for you.
My divorce took nearly 2 years as he strung out finances as long as he could until I took him to court.
He called me a bully, mental, sadist, narcissist etc, tried to alienate me from my family and it was only as we were getting divorced I started to realise how emotionally abusive he had been throughout our relationship, when I left him the mask slipped and we all saw him for what he really was.

I’m still learning and we split in 2017. It’s been very upsetting to have an awakening but I’ve finally learnt about boundaries and what a healthy relationship should look like (yet to have one). Even my health has improved drastically, I was so unwell when he was here.

He’s still a complete nightmare to deal with and so I have assumed the grey rock technique in which I don’t reply, react, limit contact to bare minimum.

I would suggest you do some reading, there are so many wise people on here and I found some really good book recommendations that have helped so much. Obviously read them in secret and make sure he doesn’t have access to your Amazon / kindle / phone etc. He will flip if he sees you reading them....

I recommend;
Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that
George Simon - A Wolf in Sheep’s clothing
Debbie Mirza - The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist

Look up DARVO - Deny Attack Reverse Victim Order - this is what he is doing to you by calling you a bully. It’s HIM, do not listen to him, do not give him the opportunity to even get into discussion with him. I know that’s easy to say but the less you engage the better as he is feeding off your reactions.

One day when you are divorced and living separately it will feel like it was a complete nightmare and you will be so much happier to be free of him. I’m sorry but it’s a long difficult journey and you will need to find tools to keep strong. Make sure you keep talking to friends, family, councillor, internet. I’ll be thinking of you, it was one of the worst times of my life x

@Addictedtohotbaths - thank you for your post, this is very similar to my experience. When it is good, it has been SO good - we are best friends, supportive of each other etc. But he hates to be challenged on anything and when he feels he is being, he goes on the attack - hence calling me a bully. But because of the good times, I also still love him and he definitely makes me question whether it is him or me because he is so adamant I'm horrible.

Do you have DC with your ex?

It feels like the absolute worst time of my life too and I've had some competition for it! The living together is excruciating even though there isn't any open animosity now but it is all I can think about and as we both own the house it feels neverending.

@Londono yes we have young 2 DC, he used them a bargaining tool and regularly manipulated them to get at me, if we didn’t have kids it would have been much easier. In some ways I can’t wait until they are old enough to have their own agency and make their own minds up. I’ve never discussed anything about the divorce with them and only talk about their dad in a positive light, but I will show them all the abusive emails etc perhaps when they are adults, I may change my mind later on.

That’s the thing with these types they push and pull you, love bomb you to reel you in, then they start to pick away at you, the cycle described in the Debbie Mirza book is that they love, devalue then discard, but it may happen multiple times, imagine if they were awful to you ALL the time, you wouldn’t put up with it, you’d walk and they know this. So when they’ve gone too far, the go back to nice mode, all the while slowly eroding your confidence, self esteem and leaving you so off kilter you don’t know what’s going on.

I felt very confused too, but I never trusted him and deep down something wasn’t right, I’m learning to listen to my gut instincts now.

Who left who? Is there someone else involved?

Is there any way he could stay with a relative? I’m guessing not..

Yes I’ve been though most of life’s great traumas but this is something else because it’s sustained and they are so clever / manipulative it takes such a long time to get your head round it all.

And we barely argued, he never shouted, everything was so subtle I couldn’t put my finger on what was happening. When we were divorcing I honestly wanted him to hit me so I could get the police involved, to show what he was like. It was so subtle and difficult to describe, I felt like a bit of a fraud compared to what a lot of women go though, but now I’ve realised he was so abusive in such a clever way, it’s talking a lot to unpick it all.

I think you’ll start to see clearly in time and realise you will be so much better off away from this man.

Please read the books, they should give you some clarity on him. I think you can download a free PDF of the Lundy Bancroft one.

Some great advise on here and its good to know you do eventually come through it because at times it seems never ending. We don't have a house to sell...in reality i’ll leave this with very, very little financially.

Londono do you have anywhere you can go to the actual house? Its the being together within the four walls when its cold outside that I find awful and yes, yes, yes to not even being able to go and see friends...esp as everyone seems to have vanished since the split/covid and Its hard to tell which is keeping people away!

Things that are helping.
Keeping a list of things I will do once free.
Writing to him every time he pisses me off and then not sending it or burning it.
Buying little things for the new house...even just bedding or kitchen things...makes it seem more real that one day I WILL have my own space...I crave that so much.
Crappy box sets when I cant switch off.
Sleep. I’m sleeping a ridiculous amount...and letting myself without feeling guilty.

We’ll get through this.

Sorry meant anywhere you can go out of the house...

What is killing you is the uncertainty, once the house is sold, you will know where you are, how much money you have, what your options are and have a firm ground on which to plan and grow your new life.

Trust me, you will be fine, once you are out of this limbo.

@TheWindowDonkey sorry for you too having to deal with this and the lockdown too, what a cluster fuck.

Just to add that yes people do disappear when you get divorced, it’s like they think it’s catching or something... or I suspect giving them a bit of insight into what may be in store for their relationships and some people are just hanging around to get the gossip.

And then once you’re divorced people act like you don’t count because you’re not in a couple, they can only invite your for dinner if you’re partnered up. Such a crock of shit.

However, I’ve made some amazing new friends, didn’t make many new friends while I was married.. funny that, and also the bonds with my old good friends are stronger than ever. You really appreciate those who have been kind and supportive and I think the process makes you more empathetic to other people’s life struggles.

@Addictedtohotbaths I said something similar about almost wishing he had had an affair or hit me because physical abuse is so clear cut - this feels like emotional/mental abuse. Although he has threatened me occasionally and from what I've read on here that is often enough to keep women in line.

Split was my idea but after he escalated his behaviour during the first lockdown. I almost had a panic attack the other night from crying so much in the night about it all - I think it is the years of pain coming out. We have one DD together and I am hoping he will let her live with me the majority of the time.

@TheWindowDonkey It is truly awful isn't it? Thank you for listing what you think helps. I am keeping a note of things that pop into my head that he has done over the years and that seems to be helping. I like your buying things plan! I SO badly want to get into fresh clean bed in a home without him. Do you know what you will do to resolve your living arrangements? The only way I escape is by going for runs at the moment. My parents are dead which I'm feeling keenly now too as I can't even retreat 'home' for them to cuddle me and tell me everything will be ok.

@KarmaNoMore Yes, this feels like the worst phase that's for sure. And I think if I could close a door on a house where he wasn't living, I'd feel much better or I could at least cry myself out and then sleep off the sadness in peace.

@Addictedtohotbaths I'm fortunate that I do have lots of lovely friends that I have often spent time with over the years as DH preferred to go all over the place cycling (such a Mumsnet cliche!) so I'm used to spending social time without him when it is allowed.

I hear you op. Its shit isn't it?

Darkest period of my life, stayed under the same roof for 8 months before I could take no more, then took 3 years to sell. Horrible divorce, I ended up in counselling plus multiple court visits plus police involvement eventually for emotional abuse.

There IS light at the end of the tunnel, I promise you. And it won't always be the lights of an oncoming train, though it feels like it sometimes.

I'm nearly 8 years post-divorce, although there are still ongoing 'proceedings', but I am now in a place where I can say to myself 'fucking hell, you never thought you could get through that, yet you did'. Plus I channelled everything I could muster (when I eventually found the headspace) into becoming everything he told me I never could. From the skint-est and emotionally drained I've ever been, to being able to be proud of who I am and what I have achieved.

It takes balls of steel op, and you have them. You don't realise it yet, and you might need a cheerleading team to help you find them, but you'll get there.

"Only ever look back to see how far you've come"

@Ffsffsffsffsffs I'm so pleased things are much better for you now - I never thought I would feel like this about it all day in, day out. I really hope it doesn't take three years for the house to sell though! Although looking at the state of the world at the moment, that wouldn't surprise me.

Could you move out Londono?
Even if it was a 1 bed flat for you and DD?
Rent for a while. The house will still be sold. Ideally he should leave for the health of DD but I'm betting he has refused.

I had to effectively blackmail exDP to move out, he was an abusive prick too. Luckily for me, he had a weed habit that wasn't conducive to his career.

He has refused, I don't think he cares how long it will take to sell and I completely envisage him turning down offers on it that I would accept. I would worry about him refusing to pay the mortgage if I moved out so it is quite an awful predicament. My parents are dead and his dad is his only parent left and he lives miles away so no chance of him going there.

If you did move out though, you set up your terms of business so to speak.
If your divorce is going to be shitty then it will be regardless of where you live. Your mental health however need not be shitty if you don't live with him.

The house sale can eventually be forced by a judge. If you beat this in mind as the final hurdle then all your actions may sound far more forceful when talking to him.

Go back and tell him to move out regardless of house sale timeline. The cost of rent is a divorce cost ultimately to be shared. DD comes first.

You can claim benefits as a singleton regardless of where he lives.

When I went through this, I couldn't pick apart my problems to get help from MN. It was a massive quagmire of awful but you are making perfect sense to me.

@chuffedasbuttons I would love to tell him to move out, I think it is the only way I will get any perspective on my life, but legally he doesn't have to go and I am responsible for the mortgage with him whilst our names are on it together. Tonight I'm feeling a bit better than I have been as I have just spent the evening upstairs with DD before she went to bed.

I found paul mckennas book on mending a broken heart useful. Try and find some relaxing techniques- what about meditation or yoga? Writing it down helped me get it out too. Its the unknown future i think that creates the panic so think of your new home and where you and DD want to be and what it will be like. Pink towels for the bathroom maybe. It will pass, you will get through it.

Thanks, @Lozzerbmc. I will look it up. The running is the only thing that seems to clear my head and hard to plan for a house yet too.

Hey Londono, hows it going? Im hating lockdown. Ex has a new gf and i’m really struggling with that...even though i’m also seeing someone. His new gf is known to the family and it feels like a kick in the guts that he's chosen her. I just want to move out...he was out yesterday for a few hours and it was honestly BLISS! Ugh. Need this part to be over. I hope you’re faring better.

I’m right in the thick of it too. It’s utter shit. I did manage to get out into a rented place, and it was bliss being able to lock the door behind me, and know that I was safe... but we’ve already lost a sale on our house (‘because it wasn’t enough’) and my legal bills are through the roof.

I need to re read the Lundy book. And I’ll look up the others. Thank you.

I find Zoom Zumba and meditation helpful, although I can’t begin to tell you how I miss the actual hug of someone. This lockdown seems to be the final straw.

I have sadly found my people

15 mights ago, I told ex-p that I'd had enough after years of him being emotionally absent, unsupportive, doing sod all round the house, having no input to family life etc. It also turns out he cheated in the past. And the mental health issues too.

I had counselling a few years ago as I couldn't quite put my finger on why I was so unhappy. It was life-changing. I realised he wasn't meeting my needs at all, didn't reciprocate with anything & it was me making all the effort.

I sat him down & told him I wanted to be amicable, to reach a fair financial settlement, that children were damaged by conflict & a clean break was best all round.

Of course, he has done everything the opposite, in true narcissistic style.

He has employed all the emotional abuse techniques described above. Punishing me. Lots of DARVO.

We had mediation, which he lied, manipulated & gaslighted his way through, so of course that didn't work.

He has talked about how he "subsidised" me as I was part-time bringing up DC. Was more than happy to take the benefits to his career but won't recognise the sacrifices to mine. I work in a niche role & haven't managed to magic up full-time work, so it's a horrible pressure of me.

He now refuses to communicate except through lawyers, forcing me to rack up thousands in legal fees.

We are still living in the same house, which he refuses to sell. I cannot afford to rent. He won't move out. It's really expensive round here & he won't allow me to relocate with DC.

He has made allegations that I am emotionally unstable, and is suggesting that he stays as the primary carer, whilst I just fuck off. He will not recognise the role of the primary carer or that it would damage the DC.

I've just had some time off sick from work as I just couldn't function.

It would be good if we could use this thread to support eachother.

Here's to better times away from abusive c*nts.

@ProseccoThyme how awful, what a horrible situation.

Sounds v similar to mine, in the end I started proceedings to finalise finances because my bills were huge £25k in total and he was dragging it. During the divorce he ran up £20k of debt and managed to get his annual salary down to £8k, it was all planned and cleverly positioned to make him look very financially weak.

He also tried to make me look mentally week, it didn’t work but I made a record of all his behaviour and logged it with the police when it was really bad. Funnily enough once he got his money he stopped manipulating the kids and things settled down... for a while...

I’d ask your solicitor about moving to court proceedings as you may as well if he’s racking up solicitors letters, plus a judge will enforce the sale. He’s using all these tactics to control you.

They will not take the children away from you, it’s just nasty noise. Mine made allegations to social services and they disregarded them.

Hope it improves soon x