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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp advice needed

29 replies

bellalou1234 · 05/01/2021 09:25

I've been with my dp 13 years live together. Both have kids none together. Weve had our ups and downs over the years. Never he was cheating recently. I found a message on his phone saying night babe xxx from a young colleague from work on xmas morning. I asked him about it xmas night, said was a jokey thing asked for a look in his phone her refused. Hes secretive with phone. Always online with WhatsApp. Working extra shifts. Lost weight. I'm not being paranoid am I?

OP posts:
Manxiety · 05/01/2021 09:26

No.

Rockinmomma · 05/01/2021 09:26

No you are not being paranoid
What do you want to do OP?

Original poster
bellalou1234 · 05/01/2021 09:28

Tbh I'm more upset than I thought I would be. Guess ill start again. My dd 21. This girl in question is 24 ffs.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 05/01/2021 09:28

No

So sorry OP

Rockinmomma · 05/01/2021 09:31

Well that makes him repulsive OP
You’ve not given much info about your relationship but I’ll bet there are many issues besides this
What are your options? Can you leave? Can he?

Whatisthisfuckery · 05/01/2021 09:31

well, on the very minuscule chance that he isn’t up to no good, he’s doing everything to make you believe he is and nothing to reassure you that he isn’t.

OP, if it sounds like a fart and it smells like a fart then it most likely is a fart.

Original poster
bellalou1234 · 05/01/2021 09:45

Yes hes doing nothing at all to make me feel better. Theres so many little things what have me thinking.. I feel like messaging the girl asking her??

OP posts:
Whatisthisfuckery · 05/01/2021 09:57

Don’t bother OP, you’ll probably not get the truth anyway.

I’m sorry to say that this is one of those situations where you can’t control what he does, you can only control what you do. He is showing you no regard whatsoever and you need to act accordingly to protect yourself. The only person at this point who is going to do the right thing by you is you, so you need to decide what the right thing for you is.

Sorry OP, he’s a shit for doing this to you.

Rockinmomma · 05/01/2021 09:59

No, don’t msg her OP
What other things are there?
You’re choices really are to ask him outright with an ultimatum, leave or bide time til you have more evidence
If it were me I’d leave or kick him out

I had the same with ExH, my suspicions were right and he owned up to it

Dizzy1234 · 05/01/2021 10:03

Don't message her OP, you'll look weak and needy.
You've been together 13 yrs and he's had his head turned by a bit of fluff, he's pathetic.
The fact that he won't show you his phone tells you all you need to know.
Kick his arse out, he'll be the one to regret it when he realises what he's lost.
As for Miss 24 yrs old, that's never going to work.
Chin up, tits out OP, you got this 💐

Original poster
bellalou1234 · 05/01/2021 12:27

Thanks everyone. Good advice.. I'm going to get stronger then leave.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 05/01/2021 12:43

My exh ticked all those boxes, too, and I later found the evidence to match. I'm guessing your dp is also no fun to be with at the moment, when he is around and not on an "extra shift"?

Original poster
bellalou1234 · 05/01/2021 12:58

No fun at all. Distant, moody, doesnt want to do do anything. I'm such an idiot heres me thinking hes booking extra night shifts at work, hes either with her or working with her. Wish werent in lock down I'd be away.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 05/01/2021 13:24

How is he losing weight? Have the gyms been open?

Original poster
bellalou1234 · 05/01/2021 13:26

It's been most of year long dog walks, calories in calories out as he keeps telling. And no snacking

OP posts:
Pechanga · 05/01/2021 13:28

Long dog walks alone...probably phoning her.

Trust your gut OP, this has affair written all over it.

ravenmum · 05/01/2021 13:29

You have a dog? Did you know that you can get GPS trackers to fit on your dog's collar, so you can locate it if it runs away? If you can be bothered.

Original poster
bellalou1234 · 05/01/2021 13:32

I didn't know that. I was thinking of when hes on an overtime shift seeing if his car is in the carpark..but feel I might as well just leave and stay planning if I'm going to them lengths..I know when it's all wrote down its clearer.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 05/01/2021 13:35

Yes. To be honest, the unfriendly behaviour you get when they are doing this kind of thing is more than enough reason not to want to stay with them, even leaving aside what they might be up to.

Is this a disappointment?

Christmasnamechange1234 · 05/01/2021 13:37

Very likely to be an affair Sad

Lora88 · 05/01/2021 22:46

Very very likely he’s cheating , dig further you’ll find something

Original poster
bellalou1234 · 06/01/2021 10:45

I wish I had firm evidence. Hes cleverer than me and I feel hes one step ahead.

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 06/01/2021 10:59

Sorry op.

I had pretty much the same - husband of 13 years was distant, moody, lost weight, started wearing different clothes, told me I was boring and he was unhappy, then I found messages between him and a 27 yr old colleague (he was 40).

We separated and their relationship ended a year later. I think it would have been sooner had they not had something to prove to everyone.

Three years down the line and I am still sad for what I thought our future would be but no amount of loving him would have brought back the trust or respect.

Sunshineandflipflops · 06/01/2021 11:04

I should add though, I am with another man now and have been for 16 months and my ex is now with someone more suitable and who I have nothing against as she didn't break my marriage up. We get on pretty well and co-parent well but we had to go through a journey to get here.

ravenmum · 06/01/2021 11:07

Could you phone up and ask to speak to him at work?
Would evidence make any practical difference? Do you want to stay with him if he's "just" being unpleasant and avoiding your company?