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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Found someone really lovely but....

51 replies

GeekyGirl42 · 05/01/2021 03:30

Met a woman on OLD back in November, and finally got to have my first date with her mid December (lockdown, and having to self isolate making things difficult).

We've had 4 dates (all socially distanced walks). All went well. I noticed (because she would message to let me know she was there) that she always turns up 20 minutes early. We've talked about this because the more I get to know her, the more she seems to want to keep arrangements loose, because she doesn't like fixed times. She seems quite anxious about being late to things.

The other thing she really doesn't like is talking on the phone. She cancelled our first phone date, so we nearly ended up having no dates.

Now we can't meet in person, even for a walk (don't live in same town) so the only way to see her is virtual. She has said she's willing to give virtual a try, but that "she's not great on the phone".

I feel shitty for stretching her comfort zone though. Problem is, kinda need to know when next dates are, otherwise my anxiety over uncertainty gets triggered.

Starting to feel like if I can't arrange date 5, or if she flakes on date 5, to stop my self esteem being torn to shreds I'll need to say I'm not looking for a texting buddy so thanks and goodbye.

OP posts:
MrsHugsxx · 05/01/2021 04:45

I'd give up on her. It's not going to go anywhere.

popsydoodle4444 · 05/01/2021 05:14

From the behaviours you describe;this screams anxiety related issues.

I live with someone who has anxiety/OCD and the fear of being late is a big part of that but this unfortunately has a knock on affect on the rest of the household.

I'd say you'd need to not only reconsider this relationship due to not essentially wanting a "pen pal" but because you don't know what you're getting yourself into.

hocuspocus1922 · 05/01/2021 05:44

Definitely anxiety related . I am the same 😅 get really anxious talking on the phone . I can't do it even find it hard on the phone to my mother . It I am not like it with times but I k ow somone who is .

GeekyGirl42 · 05/01/2021 09:23

Thanks everyone. Going to think it through. Especially whether I can do 20 minutes early long term

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BeanieB2020 · 05/01/2021 12:03

I don't like talking on the phone either but it gets easier the closer I get to someone (takes more than 4 dates!) and also show up everywhere early. I wouldn't expect anyone to also show up early just because I was doing it though. It's just an anxiety thing as pps mentioned.

RealisticSketch · 05/01/2021 12:09

Some people do get really anxious if they aren't ultra punctual... If she didn't mind the wait that needn't affect you. Nothing you describe would be an issue in none virus times because the alternative would be easy. I really feel for her trying to navigate virus restrictions while disliking virtual contact, she must feel her whole life is in stasis. Whether you can be patient and see whether it can blossom when the restrictions lift, only you can answer that.

DrDolittlesParrot · 05/01/2021 12:16

@popsydoodle4444

From the behaviours you describe;this screams anxiety related issues.

I live with someone who has anxiety/OCD and the fear of being late is a big part of that but this unfortunately has a knock on affect on the rest of the household.

I'd say you'd need to not only reconsider this relationship due to not essentially wanting a "pen pal" but because you don't know what you're getting yourself into.

What you're getting yourself into???!! Wtf?

Anxiety over using phones is a common thing, it usually improves as you get more used to one another. As for her turning up early, I can't really see the problem, it's not like you have to as well. Let her turn up early, you arrive at the agreed time.

Obviously if she can't make any phone calls and you're not prepared to take the time to email/ message for a while to get to know each other if you can't meet up during lockdown, then it's not for you, but I think just chatting online is a good way to find out lots about each other.

However, it has to work for both of you.

Annabellerina · 05/01/2021 12:20

Why does her being early affect you?
I can't stand phone/video conversations and I certainly wouldn't be trying to start a new relationship online at the moment. Maybe just leave it that you'll resume contact when lockdown lifts?

AnotherBoredOne · 05/01/2021 12:23

I was with someone who was always late drive me crazy, found it rude to be honest.
And I hate hate hate phone/zoom calls so I'm with you on that.
Don't go up just yet -see how it goes

GeekyGirl42 · 05/01/2021 12:48

@RealisticSketch

Some people do get really anxious if they aren't ultra punctual... If she didn't mind the wait that needn't affect you. Nothing you describe would be an issue in none virus times because the alternative would be easy. I really feel for her trying to navigate virus restrictions while disliking virtual contact, she must feel her whole life is in stasis. Whether you can be patient and see whether it can blossom when the restrictions lift, only you can answer that.
I think this is the view I mostly have. Just really fucking scared of being hurt, because actually the more I find out about her, the more I really like her. She is so different from past dates. Does not crowd me out.

I'm guessing I don't have a lot to worry about if, out of everyone she knows, I'm the person she's messaging as the lockdown restrictions get announced.

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SilverRoe · 05/01/2021 13:03

So she’s made an effort to handle phone stuff even though she doesn’t like it die to anxiety, but you are thinking of ending it because of your own anxiety about not having fixed dates? Seems to me out of the two of you she has made more effort to handle her fears than you have.

GeekyGirl42 · 05/01/2021 13:10

Oh gosh, no!!!

If she actually has a phone call with me I'd have so much admiration for that. This is about working out if it's a dead breaker if she doesn't, and if it isn't, how to handle it.

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/01/2021 13:38

Neither of you is right / wrong - you're just not compatible. And if that's clear at so early a stage I think it's best to leave it.

Chambored · 05/01/2021 13:46

@GeekyGirl42

Thanks everyone. Going to think it through. Especially whether I can do 20 minutes early long term
When you can go back to meeting up, you don’t have to 20 mins early though. Just turn up on time. The early thing is her thing.

You say in a post upthread :
She has said she's willing to give virtual a try, but that "she's not great on the phone".
So she is at least willing to try a call.
But has acknowledge it might be awkward. Which is fair enough and is managing your expectations.

If you like her so far, I’d say go with the flow. She’s being open and honest with you, and is trying to overcome her fears.
Good luck!

GeekyGirl42 · 05/01/2021 14:02

Should I suggest a call now though? Or wait for her to do it?

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TeaEgg · 05/01/2021 14:06

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Neither of you is right / wrong - you're just not compatible. And if that's clear at so early a stage I think it's best to leave it.
This. You have clashing 'styles' of anxiety.
GeekyGirl42 · 05/01/2021 14:39

Maybe. I'm curious to see if I can manage mine better by remembering I do not want to be with anyone who doesn't fully want me.....

So, if these behaviours are her anxieties but she's the person I think she is, and she wants to be with me, then wonderful!!!

But if this isn't the case, then that's ok - its not rejection, it's redirection.

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GeekyGirl42 · 05/01/2021 14:52

Stupid thing is, I am fine if single and fine if in an established relationship. It's this early dating stuff that I really hate.

OP posts:
Candyfloss99 · 05/01/2021 14:58

I would much rather someone be 20 minutes early than late. It means they respect your time. Why does it bother you if she is 20 minutes early, it's her who has to wait, not you.

As for talking on the phone, it can be very awkward when you don't know the person that well.

Having said this it sounds like you will only ever stress each other out as you both have anxiety that manifests in opposite ways which will probably mean one of you will always feel anxious.

Candyfloss99 · 05/01/2021 14:59

@GeekyGirl42

Should I suggest a call now though? Or wait for her to do it?
If you have already suggested a call and she said no then wait for her to suggest it now.
GeekyGirl42 · 05/01/2021 15:03

No no no, doesn't bother me that she's early. Makes me wonder why she does that. Especially given it means waiting out in the cold. I then worry about making her wait. We've talked about that - its fine - I'll just make sure I'm on time!!

I do like to know when I'm next seeing someone I'm dating. Who doesn't? She's not easy to make plans with, but I'm fine if I know that's not disinterest. How would anyone know whether that's the case 4 or even 14 dates in?

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TramaDollface · 05/01/2021 15:08

...
But you’re allowed to meet and exercise with one other person aren’t you?

Or is she very far away?

AnnaFiveTowns · 05/01/2021 15:21

It's definitely anxiety. You will probably find that as time goes by and she gets to know you more, she'll feel more comfortable and relaxed and will be up for phone calls. I wouldn't give up on it yet if you like her.

AnnaFiveTowns · 05/01/2021 15:22

You both sound very sweet. I hope it works out.

GeekyGirl42 · 05/01/2021 15:32

@TramaDollface

... But you’re allowed to meet and exercise with one other person aren’t you?

Or is she very far away?

Far away enough that this isn't worth the risk, especially when one of us is a key worker.
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