Found someone really lovely but....

[GeekyGirl42]

Met a woman on OLD back in November, and finally got to have my first date with her mid December (lockdown, and having to self isolate making things difficult).

We've had 4 dates (all socially distanced walks). All went well. I noticed (because she would message to let me know she was there) that she always turns up 20 minutes early. We've talked about this because the more I get to know her, the more she seems to want to keep arrangements loose, because she doesn't like fixed times. She seems quite anxious about being late to things.

The other thing she really doesn't like is talking on the phone. She cancelled our first phone date, so we nearly ended up having no dates.

Now we can't meet in person, even for a walk (don't live in same town) so the only way to see her is virtual. She has said she's willing to give virtual a try, but that "she's not great on the phone".

I feel shitty for stretching her comfort zone though. Problem is, kinda need to know when next dates are, otherwise my anxiety over uncertainty gets triggered.

Starting to feel like if I can't arrange date 5, or if she flakes on date 5, to stop my self esteem being torn to shreds I'll need to say I'm not looking for a texting buddy so thanks and goodbye.

You both sound very sweet. I hope it works out.

They do sound sweet, hope it works out OP. If you like everything else about her don't overthink this one.

@TrixieTrouble

You both sound very sweet. I hope it works out.

They do sound sweet, hope it works out OP. If you like everything else about her don't overthink this one.

Is there a magic pill for that one? Asking for a friend 😊

Instead of a call could you do an activity together over Zoom?
Like cook the same meal together or bake a cake / buns?
Might make it less ‘call’ like and a bit less anxiety inducing for her, and a bit more fun!

@Chambored

Instead of a call could you do an activity together over Zoom? Like cook the same meal together or bake a cake / buns? Might make it less ‘call’ like and a bit less anxiety inducing for her, and a bit more fun!

What a great idea! This is what I need as I hate zoom calls. Cheers.

I can't talk on the phone, OP. It's an awful phobia. I'm a texter/messenger/emailer. I'm just terrible on the phone. I talk over people, I don't talk enough, I get all anxious. I don't know why. As for Zoom, forget it! That's just emotional waterboarding for me. I probably could do with some therapy about it all. For people who hate the phone, this is how a conversation on it feels:

But don't despair. It's not all hopeless! For me, personally, you can build up my phone confidence by texting (whatsapp/messenger). I feel like I get to know a person, get to read more about who they are and what they're into and share ideas without my anxiety and worries about coming across as a weirdo getting in the way. It removes all of that self-awareness bullshit and anxiety that rules me during phone calls. And then trust is established and a connection is made and the phone becomes less scary! Good luck!

Thanks everyone - I'm going to chill out. Just had a lovely chat with her about nothing really, just funny stuff. Phone call would be nice but happy to see how next couple of weeks go without it

I hate talking on the phone and I hate people who are always early. Both too much pressure for me!

That sounds very positive @GeekyGirl42.
Hope it all works out!

You both sound like you have some type of anxiety definitely. Also Op, you’ve only had what, 5 walks with her? Bit soon to be getting so invested. I would continue to meet as you obviously like one another - just see how it goes. Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. She’s told you she doesn’t like talking on the phone but is willing to do it anyway - surely a good sign? I hate talking on the phone also and spend half my time feeling guilty/anxious about the fact that I don’t phone family/friends “for a chat”. Doesn’t mean I don’t love them!

My ex used to do this and I found it quite charming. Everyone else in my life is varying degrees of late or just on time.

It did stem from anxiety though which soon manifested itself in other ways that affected the relationship. You might have a different experience though.

She sounds a bit controlling to me.
You arrange a time to meet. Then she texts you to make sure you know she's 20 mins early...why does she do that?
She sounds like hard work and a bit high maintenance.

The idea about baking etc sounds brilliant - could you suggest that?

I have pre-teens and they are completely incapable of having phone conversations! If forced to thank granny for their presents they are tongue tied and awkward - yet like all other kids they spend their lives on their phones to their mates. I asked DD about it and what they actually do is put their phone onto Whatsapp videochat and then go about their normal lives. Half the time both /all parties aren't even talking! They just stick their friend on the table next to them and watch TV or go on the ipad or play games or whatever.

It could work for you too! Maybe watch a TV programme but have each other on videocall in the background. Then if you want to comment on it you can - if you don't speak for half an hour it's fine. Ditto the baking idea, or painting, or whatever your hobbies are or whatever you normally do at home? (Maybe not the hoovering though....).

See if she'd be up for that - it sounds as though it would be a shame to give up just because of bloody Covid!

Definitely sounds like anxiety! My partner hates phonecalls and is really bad at them tbh unless it is a very formal exchange of necessary information, but no chit chat! When we were getting to know eachother we exchanged some fairly long emails which I know sounds a bit retro now but was actually quite fun. Could you try that and then perhaps she'd feel more comfortable with a few phonecalls when you know eachother better?

I think a baking video call actually sounds like a really good idea for a date while unable to meet up. Or a dinner date, you could pick a recipe together then both get the ingredients and cook it while in a video call. Or maybe even a game.. like do you remember that jelly bean game that was really popular a few years back? Beanboozled. You could both order a pack then play it over video call, I think that would be a laugh

Sorry I got a bit carried away there, I am in a long-term relationship so dating talk makes me a bit enthusiastic

I hate speaking on the phone and get myself very worked up if I know I will be speaking to someone. For me I find if someone just rings me without warning it's far better as I haven't had the anxiety build up x

Baking or watching a film together on a video call is a great idea. Before I was allowed to form a support bubble with my DP we watched TV together. He fancied something sweet so I told him to Google cake in a mug. We resumed our call when he had made his cake. I wanted to cry watching him eat it with a spoon as I missed him so much 😭

From a outsider This relationship seems like two people with anxieties. I think it might be a slow burner .... maybe enjoy it while it lasts....

If you're concerned enough about a relationship issue after 4 dates that you're needing to post on a forum for advice, does that not strike you as a red flag?

Tbh, rather than anxiety, my first thought as to why she says she doesn’t like using the phone was that she’s in a relationship, and because of lockdown she’s at home with her partner.

And that would be the immediate suggestion if this was a woman posting about a man never being available to talk on the phone....

Two people who have bits and bobs they are anxious about can understand one another unless they are completely self involved. Better than one this way and the other just shaking their head and rolling their eyes. I think of you find she is intriguing you in the important ways, don't fret about the punctuality and zoom call thing, see how it goes. Under current situation the whole getting to know you part is going to need patience anyway.

She's not easy to make plans with, but I'm fine if I know that's not disinterest. How would anyone know whether that's the case 4 or even 14 dates in

How would anyone know whether their date was disinterested? By responding to the way they make you feel. If you (or anybody) have anxieties, you need to be with a partner who understands, respects, and whose very nature soothes those anxieties. She is triggering you even by being early for your dates, and you're not comfortable to ask her not to let you know when she arrives. Your focus is on your behaviour; you normally would arrive on time, and you've asked her if there's anything you need to do differently, and she's said no, just arrive on time. But she's still doing the thing that makes you anxious.

Why aren't you responding to your instincts here, that this relationship is triggering your anxieties? Lots of people are nice, and 'different from your other dates'. You don't have to pick one who also triggers you.

The early thing does not trigger me. I'm curious about it and wonder (maybe a little too much) whether there's anything I can do that means she doesn't feel the need to do that with me.

I've not asked her to change any of her behaviour around this, nor do I think she should.

@sadie9

She sounds a bit controlling to me. You arrange a time to meet. Then she texts you to make sure you know she's 20 mins early...why does she do that? She sounds like hard work and a bit high maintenance.

Yes, that struck me. I mean, I can see how anxiety about being late might make someone personally show up very early for a date, but it strikes me as quite lacking in self-awareness to then pass that ‘stress’ on to someone you’ve only just starting seeing, by telling them you’re there now, implicitly telling them to come early, too, particularly if these dates have to be outdoors in midwinter weather.

@RealisticSketch

Two people who have bits and bobs they are anxious about can understand one another unless they are completely self involved. Better than one this way and the other just shaking their head and rolling their eyes. I think of you find she is intriguing you in the important ways, don't fret about the punctuality and zoom call thing, see how it goes. Under current situation the whole getting to know you part is going to need patience anyway.

Think this is where my brain is headed on this one. To be honest, I think it would be better to scale back messaging a bit and see where we are at when allowed to meet up again.

IMO it’s bad manners / inconsiderate to send an ‘I’m here’ text 20 mins early. I have a MH issue and like to be and often am early, but don’t do this.

You sound dramatic, eg ‘self esteem torn to shreds’, being scared of liking her, subtly putting down past women you’ve dated. You don’t yet know her, it’s early days.

Seems like you have incompatible preferences about getting to know people/dating under Covid regulations. It’s going to be hard to get to know each other with just texts and no phone/video, so whether you want to maintain text contact and wait around to see what happens in X months time or pursue other dating options will depend on your situation and priorities.

I then worry about making her wait

You've actually specifically said, in words, that her being early and letting you know causes you worry. Now you're saying it doesn't.

Your feelings are enormously important when you're dating with a view to long term. All of your feelings. Even (arguably especially) those that detract from the romance and excitement that you desperately want to feel.

It's not a good sign that you're needing to post on a forum for validation at this stage, and that you're denying negative feelings that you also admit to having at other times. A more healthy response would be to be talking to her about it. 'When you text me to say you've arrived and you're standing out in the cold, it makes me worried about you, because it's bloody freezing at the moment.' Then see how her response makes you feel. See if she takes your feelings seriously.

What did you want to gain from the thread?