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Original poster

New relationship feeling letdown

50 replies

Flightinspace · 05/01/2021 01:34

So I have been in a relationship for 6 months, started in the non lockdown period when we could see people. Finally bubbled with each other after much angst from him, where we didn’t see each other for a while because of the rules.

We have been a bit up and down but i put that to us being older him 50 me 44 we’ve both been through divorce (no children ) so I understand that things might be different in life, no crazy initial feelings, just slow and steady.

So Christmas we were together by default not by choice, i thought we had a lovely time, i made the best of what we had, we couldn’t bubble with anyone else due to tiers.

After Xmas he became distant and then said he wanted to spend NYE on his own, I feel so hurt by this, I have barely spoken to him since, he contacted me and asked if this meant we were over and I asked for some time, he said it’s up to me.
Honestly, I would never do that to someone, we are in lockdown I am his bubble and that’s it.
Am i over reacting

OP posts:
JamieLeesCurtains · 05/01/2021 01:38

Did he explain why he wanted that time alone?

ItsNotGreenItsBlue · 05/01/2021 01:41

So you’re refusing to speak to him or even let him know where he stands all because he needed some time alone? Hmm you abusive in other aspects of your relationship? No wonder he wanted some time alone.

Original poster
Flightinspace · 05/01/2021 01:43

Thanks
No, he just said he wanted to be alone, this was after days of him being distant and not initiating any contact.

I feel like an idiot really, i feel felt like we had a lovely Xmas and made the best of it. The minute I left he shut down

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 05/01/2021 01:44

Sorry op. His actions are telling you all you need to know. You are definitely not a priority for him.

Original poster
Flightinspace · 05/01/2021 01:47

@ItsNotGreenItsBlue no I am not refusing to speak to him, I told him I was very hurt and I needed some time. I am using this time to work out if i am over reacting to someone telling me they can’t handle spending NYE with me and ergo me being left on my own. Which is was the only option in tier 4. In no way have I not spoken to him.

OP posts:
ItsNotGreenItsBlue · 05/01/2021 02:00

I feel so hurt by this, I have barely spoken to him since

Original poster
Flightinspace · 05/01/2021 02:04

@ItsNotGreenItsBlue
And you take that as I’m abusing him. Ok.

OP posts:
ItsNotGreenItsBlue · 05/01/2021 02:07

It is abusive, refusing to speak to your partner because they needed some time alone is coercive control.

YerWanSaid · 05/01/2021 02:13

@ItsNotGreenItsBlue

It is abusive, refusing to speak to your partner because they needed some time alone is coercive control.
What are you in about???

OP I would have been very upset about New Year, the least he could have done was articulate why he needed to be alone.

Original poster
Flightinspace · 05/01/2021 02:14

@ItsNotGreenItsBlue
But i am not refusing to speak to him. I have barely spoken to him because he has not initiated contact until days after telling me he didn’t want to spend NYE with me.

I think you need to think about your idea of abusive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flightinspace · 05/01/2021 02:18

@YerWanSaid
Thank you
He said he couldn’t explain it.
It wasn’t so much that, it was as soon as I left he just stopped talking to me. It was very weird. I thought we had a lovely time.
In terms of the general relationship, I’ve felt on edge and as I said I thought this might be because we are older and taking it slowly.

But in all honestly he says he wants to be with me and I am not sure. I’ve been so messed around in the passed. That’s why I came here

OP posts:
redastherose · 05/01/2021 02:38

If it's this hard at 6 months regardless of why then it's probably not worth pursuing. If Christmas was the first time you'd spent days and days together without anything really to do perhaps he just realised it wasn't what he wanted but he should have had the manner to tell you rather than just drifting off and ditching you in New Year's Eve.

NotaplasticGael · 05/01/2021 03:50

This doesn't sound like a good relationship even before the NY incident, sorry OP.

StrippedFridge · 05/01/2021 03:57

I think he wanted to break up earlier but it would have been too cruel to leave you alone at Christmas.

He did not want to spend any more time with you. Him giving you NYE out of pity then dumping you would have felt bad too.

Just ditch him. He is not right for you.

LastRoloIsMine · 05/01/2021 03:58

Its only been 6 months!!

He spent Christmas with you and wanted New Year by himself.
Some people are actually ok in their own company OP.
You have no idea if this time of year is difficult for him for a reason or maybe its time he takes to reflect on the past year and chooses his own company.

Will you demanding Valentines day and Easter with him too?

Groovinpeanut · 05/01/2021 04:09

It's certainly looking quite challenging OP...
You describe your relationship quite clinically... Your older, taking things slow, made the best of spending Christmas together... You thought you'd both had a lovely time.. He then wanted to spend NYE alone, and you felt hurt. Now you're barely speaking, because you want time to work out how you feel? He's now asking if it's over.

Do you think all this 'taking it slow' really translates as things are barely moving?
You don't seem to communicate well, there seems a lot of insecurity too. It shouldn't be this much work being in a relationship. Ignoring someone until you feel that you're ready to talk to them is quite controlling. I don't see much joy radiating from your posts. It maybe best just chalking this up to experience and calling it a day.

BuffaloMozzerella · 05/01/2021 04:21

Why did he have angst over bubbling with you in the first place?

Tbh it doesn't sound like he is right for you. I'd be hurt over NY too.

MorbidPodcastFan · 05/01/2021 05:16

He wants to take it slow, yet he spent a lot of time staying over xmas.
Then he wanted some alone time.

I dont see the issue here really. Youve only been seeing each other a short while, and probably not much time together in those few months.

You sound incredibly needy and reliant... what on earth would you have done without him over xmas?? NYE is just another night. You dont need a man to cling to all night to survive it.
That isnt a healthy mindset so soon in a relarionship. Or really ever. Why are you not happy with your own company?

MorbidPodcastFan · 05/01/2021 05:20

It sounds like you almost engineered a scenario where he was "bubbling" with you (which he clearly wasnt sure about at first) and thought this guarenteed you his presence for all of xmas and ny.

For him, it was too intense and too soon, and he needed a little break.

And now youve thrown your toys out the pram because you didnt get it entirely your own way or as you expected.
You hadnt expected him to not be as needy as you.

Groovinpeanut · 05/01/2021 05:51

The angst on his part at the beginning does rather indicate he wasn't really wanting to see you. Then ending up spending Christmas by default rather than choice suggests he really want to spend time with you, and you say when you left he seemed to be glad you'd left and couldn't face a repeat over New Year. It's not for him OP it's best you just now out gracefully and go your seperate ways.

Groovinpeanut · 05/01/2021 05:52

*Suggests he didn't

CodenameVillanelle · 05/01/2021 05:54

@ItsNotGreenItsBlue

It is abusive, refusing to speak to your partner because they needed some time alone is coercive control.
No it isn't
KatherineJaneway · 05/01/2021 05:57

Sorry but it sounds like he didn't have a great time at Christmas and didn't want to repeat for New Year's.

Dontletitbeyou · 05/01/2021 06:06

It could be that he wasn’t really into the relationship as much as you . He spent Christmas with you , but that may have cemented his feelings one way or another .
To say ‘ it’s up to you ‘ when you said you wanted more time , says it all . Honestly if he really liked you he wouldn’t be acting like this. It looks like he’s pretty ok with the idea of splitting up

Traceface28 · 05/01/2021 06:17

Maybe he just doesn’t “do New Year?” I don’t like NYE, in fact for many a year I was more than happy to work rather than partake in the party that many people like it to be?! I just find it depressing and can become maudlin, looking back on those we’ve lost maybe? I know I’m not the only one like this so maybe he is too, maybe he’s had some issue in the past at this time that he struggles with?