New relationship feeling letdown

[Flightinspace]

So I have been in a relationship for 6 months, started in the non lockdown period when we could see people. Finally bubbled with each other after much angst from him, where we didn’t see each other for a while because of the rules.

We have been a bit up and down but i put that to us being older him 50 me 44 we’ve both been through divorce (no children ) so I understand that things might be different in life, no crazy initial feelings, just slow and steady.

So Christmas we were together by default not by choice, i thought we had a lovely time, i made the best of what we had, we couldn’t bubble with anyone else due to tiers.

After Xmas he became distant and then said he wanted to spend NYE on his own, I feel so hurt by this, I have barely spoken to him since, he contacted me and asked if this meant we were over and I asked for some time, he said it’s up to me.
Honestly, I would never do that to someone, we are in lockdown I am his bubble and that’s it.
Am i over reacting

You’re not compatible.

Seems like he's not that into you. My bet is that he has someone else (or even multiple women) and he's already made plans for NYE. He wants to keep you around, so he tells you that he does like you, but not enough to spend time with you for NYE. I've always had a rule of thumb, if you have to question if a guy your seeing actually likes you and enjoys your company, you need to see someone else. Why go through all of this? You want more, he doesn't want to give it. Seems like the end of the road to me. Find someone that is on your same wave length.

Well, I'd say that wanting to be alone on NYE is actually an OK explanation for a 50 year old. My DP doesn't really 'get' the whole hogmanay vibe, and doesn't especially like the midnight bazooka bombs, enforced jollity and the late night, particularly if it has been a difficult year.

Sounds also, OP, a bit like your chap is scared of commitment and you're a little bit fearful of abandonment. A relationship like this can only survive if you improve your communication - a lot. But you both have to want to in the first place.

My gosh, there's a lot of jumping to extremes from others on this post. The bottom line is, as someone else has said, this should be the best time not filled with angst. You sound more invested than him, he certainly doesn't sound that keen - not because of NYE, plenty of people don't like it - but just his language and actions. I would move on, it doesn't read like there is a bright and rosy future of compatibility.

I wouldn't write him off OP. I would see if you can arrange regular night(s) to see him each week which should calm your anxiety and also give him space. The past year have been really hard for a lot of people, I sympathise with you being alone and feeling quite 'needy' towards him as he is your bubble.

I think 'needy' behaviour can be quite off putting, maybe try to think of some ways to appear less so...

Wow thank you for all of the replies, to answer a few
I am in the UK so if we hadn’t of bubbled up we wouldn’t have been able to see each other when the last lockdown happened, he was reticent and I didn’t force him. We talked about it and it was really the only option for us to continue to be able to see each other, neither of us had a bubble so I didn’t see it as such a big deal, though perhaps he did.

Christmas - the same really. We both got trapped and couldn’t go to our family, both of us have clinically vulnerable parents and we both decided it was best to stay where we were, again we talked about it and we were both I thought excited, that’s the impression i got.

We did have a lovely time, unless he’s good at faking it!!!

And I haven’t ignored him at all. I am not clinical! I just wanted to get the facts down.

In terms of taking things slow, I’ve spent a lot of time on mumsnet and have been in an extremely abusive relationship for years and then on my own for years, so this is the first time I have met someone in a long time. I rushed in with my last DP - red flags everywhere. Love bombing etc. So i sort of thought it was good this was a bit calmer.

But to many people who have said he’s just not that into you, I think you are probably right, even though yesterday he was saying he didn’t want this to end and wanted to be with me. Again XDP was very hot and cold and it really fucked me up over time, and I fear I’m going down the same road again.

I am not into NYE either and but we are in a pandemic. I didn’t want to sit on my own, I didn’t want to do anything really but I would have liked to have just spent it with the only person who has been a positive in a really shit year and I would have hoped he would have felt the same. And he said the same to me only a few days earlier.

And yes perhaps I am anxious. Years of abuse have done that to me. I spent a long time in therapy and I understand I can be that way, I try extremely hard not to let that affect things, but clearly they still are.

Bin him off. No-one needs to be treated with such indifference.

Is he an introvert? I get totally "peopled out".

If you'd spent a lot of time together when you're not accustomed to it maybe he needed a few days off.

I like with my DP of 10 years but oh my god I could do with a few days alone to recharge.

Same with my family, after about 2 days together I desperately need to be alone for a few days.

@TrashCanBird
He might well be. He goes very quiet after any length of time together, but what would that mean for the future! Never wanting to live with someone!
Also he’s never said this to me, we have actually had a conversation about me feeling he’s not that into me and he said he was! And he thought it was obvious and after that chat he was a lot more thoughtful.

Perhaps we are fundamentally mis matched. I am generally very relaxed if I feel secure. If I don’t feel secure then I end up feeling extremely anxious.
I’m really sad, because over Xmas I felt secure and not on high alert for the first time in years. Then the rug just got pulled from under me.

I'd be hurt by this too.

It sounds like he wasn’t as keen on the Christmas get together as you were and he has doubts hence why he cancelled new year. Even if he isn’t into celebrating I think it was mean to leave you on your own if you were supposed to be together.

On the other hand, just because you decided you were in a ‘bubble’ didn’t mean that he was indebted to be with you all the time. Maybe it was too much too soon and in normal circumstances people would spend Christmas with their families if they hadn’t been together long.

I would personally leave it now.

OP it's very difficult when you come out of an abusive relationship, particularly when moving back into the dating arena. It's much harder dating later in life from teens and 20/30s it gets so much more complicated with the emotional baggage we acquire along the way. Did you by any chance meet this guy OLD?
You will probably not realise your displaying anxiety, and when it's at the 'getting to know each other' stage we naturally want to make a good impression, but we also feel the need to protect ourselves. Is he aware of your last relationship and the difficulties that you had? This again is a minefield as if we divulge too much it's like we're leaving ourselves open to falling into the same situation to potential abusers.
Have you got a social network of friends? Others to chat to and support you?
If this guy is a bit of an introvert who enjoys his own space and company he's going to struggle having someone around a lot. You on the other hand sound like you've done your therapy and know where you want to go in life now. You really have two choices, to have a real open and honest talk with him and put all the ' blowing hot and cold' to rights and work out where you both stand. If he's just used to thinking for himself he probably doesn't even think to figure you in, he just breezes on through.
If you do have a talk and it seems salvageable then you have a foundation to build on. If on the other hand he adopts the ' it's up to you' approach then you know where you stand.

OP, I can see why you are finding this so disconcerting and discomforting. You're shifting between relaxed and high alert modes and it's exhausting.

You both have relationship histories that are affecting how you're interacting, and you are understandably bothered that over new year his words didn't match his actions.

Did you really talk talk about things? Or text talk? There's so many misunderstandings through messaging.

He doesn't sound keen and you don't either . Time to call a halt to this farce.

I would lay it all out in an honest letter to him.

Thanks @Groovinpeanut
Yes we did meet OLD and no I haven’t gone into much detail about my past relationship mainly from advice I have seen on here! But he knows the basics.
The problem is we have had this chat before, about him blowing hot and cold and he stopped doing it, which is why I thought we had moved past this.

I am more annoyed with the way he went about the NYE thing. If he had been honest then maybe i would feel differently.

@Nomoresleeps from his chats with me he was really keen on Xmas and NYE perhaps the reality of it wasnt up to his expectations

Just leave it now OP. Relationships should enhance your life, not add angst to it.

Sounds like NYE is a red herring here, its the fact that contact has tailed off over the last week and he hasn't let you know what he really wants that is the problem.

Also, sounds like you have a strong gut feeling that he wants out based on his actions but he's not confirming this, rather making it your place to have to call it about whether the relationship is over.

I'd have no problem really with him spending NYE alone (although I would be a bit hurt), it's more this 'you say it's over because I'm not' that feels a bit cold.

Overall, not a very nice situation to be in.

Don't chase after him. He doesn't sound that bothered, its a while after NYE now and presumably you still haven't seen him again. You've already told him you don't like the blowing hot and cold, so he's probably worked out you aren't going to be one who puts up with this treatment without complaint, so is slacking you off but gradually.

He probably didn't want to be alone for Christmas but NYE is fine. Judge him by what he actually does, not by what he says. It shouldn't be this much effort.

I had one of these and hung on for far too long, it just destroys your self worth.

Get out now.

You've only been together 6 months covid or not I wouldn't want to spend all of Christmas and New year with a virtual stranger.

Tbh just because you've bubbled up, which I find strange in itself so soon, then it doesn't mean he isn't entitled to space.

I can imagine that Christmas was really intense and he just wanted some space, I can understand that.

And If telling someone that meant I got ignored and a shed load of drama, well I would be un bubbling and ending things.

I don't see any harm in letting him have some space and waiting to see what happens. It's a weird time right now and he's not really holding you back from anything - it's not like you can meet anyone else right now. Enjoy some time to yourself also and wait & see what happens..

Why all the angst and reticence at the beginning when you were ‘bubbling up?’