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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does your Dh care for when your unwell

40 replies

Ameilia89 · 05/01/2021 01:30

So as you can see from title want to ask whether your other half ever seems to care when your feeling ill

This is something I've never thought of throughout our 4 year marriage with 2 kids youngest only 5 months.
I've been very poorly since Xmas and been in out hospital for terrible tummy pains and now just have achy body, headache, fatigue all cold and flu symptoms.
DH gone back to work today hes self employed and mid day i asked him if he could come home before dinner (7 ish) he kept saying i need to finish this job il try. Fast forward since 8pm been feeling shit, tried calling no answer. Calls at 10pm saying im on route home now.

By this time I've fed the kids and got them in bed. Hes come home and goes whats wrong with you. I've ignored it, he asked again i go find you very selfish.

I feel as if he doesn't really care for me. Never asks if im ok when im poorly, never sees if id like anything etc..

Am i wrong for feeling so upset and just having the thought 'when im old and unable to do anything, will this man even have any feelings' will this man really be my comfort place. I often feel as if I've married the wrong person but then i end up feeling bad for the kids. I do love him but his selfishness is taken a toll on me

Plus Hes decided to sleep in the guest room as im just a drama queen and moody

Thanks for reading me rant away as i cant tell anyone in real how im feeling Sad

OP posts:
FinallyFluid · 05/01/2021 01:43

I have been with my DH for 32 years, married to him for 29 this year,

He has always been bit nurse Ratched ( One flew over the Cuckoos nest) in his approach to my being ill.

The year I was diagnosed with head and neck cancer he stepped up to the plate, he fed me through a tube every day three times a day for in excess of six months, it was helped by him working from home (by order of his company) but I can tell you, if you REALLY need him and you know he will be there, you can forgive the peripheral stuff.

Do you really think this is it and he is not worthy of you as a couple ?

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/01/2021 02:08

I wouldn’t expect DP to leave work (particularly not in the current climate) because I had cold and flu symptoms but was still capable of being out of bed. If I’m ill DP will make sympathetic noises, offer food and drinks, check on me from time to time; and that’s enough for me. I wouldn’t expect him to fuss after me or e.g. cancel plans to go out unless I was really at death’s door.

How is he in a bad situation? How was he when you were pregnant? How well do you communicate? It sounds like you each find the other’s behaviour somewhat frustrating, would it help to talk to each other about it frankly and honestly?

Subeccoo · 05/01/2021 09:12

Yeah he's wonderful when I'm ill. I'm sorry your dh is being like this, I do think it's really basic to care for your other half when they are feeling their worst 😔

BigFatLiar · 05/01/2021 09:20

Depends what he does but it's a bit unfair to expect him to leave a job half done and come home unless it's serious.

LubaLuca · 05/01/2021 09:22

Yes, my husband is a better nurse than I am. He wouldn't leave work to tend to me though unless I was in need of urgent medical attention.

shitinmyhandsandclap · 05/01/2021 09:24

Yeah I wouldn't expect him to leave work either, hopefully he pulls his weight the rest of the time though

JorisBonson · 05/01/2021 09:24

Agree with PP. He will bring me things and make all the right noises, but I wouldn't expect him to come home if I was still able to look after myself

ChaBishkoot · 05/01/2021 09:25

Yes and no. DH is a physician so is sometimes a little unsympathetic over minor issues. And very matter of fact. He wouldn’t be mean if I was ill though. And would take over everything family related as soon as he came home.

AriesTheRam · 05/01/2021 09:32

Hes not overly sympathetic for mild illness but for bog things yes.I was recovering from an operation last Jan and he did everything in the house plus working long hours ( we usually share jobs in house).

AriesTheRam · 05/01/2021 09:32

Big not bog!

JamieLeesCurtains · 05/01/2021 09:38

I've been very poorly since Xmas and been in out hospital for terrible tummy pains and now just have achy body, headache, fatigue all cold and flu symptoms.

Were you admitted, OP, or was it a trip to A&E, that your DH may have thought unnecessary? (And have you had a Covid test to rule that out?)

On the surface it all sounds a bit shit for you, yes; but I'm wondering I suppose what his perspective on this would be.

partyatthepalace · 05/01/2021 09:43

I am sorry you are feeling ill, but I can also understand if your DP is workmen he might not be able to come home early.

Can you sit down with him and try and have a practical chat about what you’d like from him for support, and he can feedback re his own pressures.

There does seem to be a lack of communication issue here and you are slipping into a victim mode - you may well have reasons for that but it’s a slippery slope. So I’d really try and be practical and open communication.

partyatthepalace · 05/01/2021 09:43

Working, not workman...

SapatSea · 05/01/2021 10:24

Is there anyone else who can help you out during the day? Are you a bit worried feeling ill and being alone with the DC?

I think you need to spell out specifically what he can do to help well in advance. E.g. can you make sure you are home tonight by x time to put the DC to bed because I feel so ill.

Butterbeeeen · 05/01/2021 10:28

I had major surgery just before Xmas and my DH has been amazing. Iv not lifted a finger since. He took the first few days off as unpaid leave to look after me and then did half shifts in order to get our DC to school and leave me some lunch in the fridge. If I have a cold however I'm expected to put my big girl pants on and crack on. Its all relative

Livandme · 05/01/2021 10:50

It was the straw that broke the camels back in relationship with H.
He pissed off to work, leaving me struggling and looking after 3dc.

A real partner would never do this.

Snarfclamper · 05/01/2021 11:00

Ah op, sorry you are feeling so ill; that must be very hard with a five month old. You are not wrong to feel upset. Flowers

Tbh, I think coming home at 10pm when you have two young children cared for exclusively by your other half is rather selfish in itself, but when you know they are ill, it's a pretty rotten thing to do.

I know being self-employed is hard, but it does allow you to structure your time a bit more flexibly sometimes. Also if he had come home and apologized and said "I'm really sorry I was away so late , I had no choice etc, but it means I can spend more time at home for the rest of the week" then you could be more understanding of it. But that's not his attitude at all; he obviously hadn't considered that he was doing anything wrong which makes him pretty selfish, especially his reaction when you did complain.

What other people's husbands do is irrelevant; the question is what are you going to do about this situation now? And that will depend on the context here. How is he generally? Is he kind, does he help out, pull his weight at home etc? How was he when you had your first DC?

Snarfclamper · 05/01/2021 11:03

I meant to add, is his business at risk? Are you under pressure financially? to that list.

Plonque · 05/01/2021 11:06

You might find this thread helpful, it was running a couple of weeks ago.
My "D"H gives me grief when I'm ill. That thread made me realise it's not acceptable.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 05/01/2021 11:12

It's not as if he was in the pub though is it? If he's self employed he's not going to get paid if he doesn't work. My DH is brilliant if I'm ill, he'll send me off to bed and bring me tea and do his usual dad duties but I wouldn't call him home from work unless I was exceptionally ill (and he used to work silly hours too, when we had a newborn). In fact I don't think I've ever called him home from work and I've had some serious health issues. What do you expect him to do? Not work? What's the alternative?

Shoxfordian · 05/01/2021 11:19

My dh goes to get me a jumper if I’m cold, he would look after me if I was ill

There was a post here the other day about whether you were allowed to be ill or not, really shocking how many nasty men there are out there

Plonque · 05/01/2021 11:20

It depends on what business he's in or the type of his business- but SE doesn't always mean no work, no money.
My H is also self employed and runs his own business but he has staff to delegate to, if he wants to.
Funnily enough, he can do it on his own terms if there's something of importance to him but he wouldn't dream of doing it to benefit anyone else, no matter who. He certainly won't do it for any domestic problem, that's what the little woman indoors is for so I can't possibly be ill.

BigFatLiar · 05/01/2021 13:57

Its possibly not just the one job though. If he's self employed its also his business reputation, 'I got Joe Smith to fix the central heating he disappeared with only half the job done and the heating system in bits, never again'. Word spreads quick and lasts long.

If you're ill he shouldn't have gone to work, assuming you don't need the money. But again it depends on the nature of his business and if he can afford to be seen turning away work.

Tier10 · 05/01/2021 14:17

My DH is over the top with me if I am ill, or cold, a bit wet from the rain, or anything really. A few sneezes and he suggests I rest for the day.
Sometimes it’s a bit overwhelming.

Snarfclamper · 05/01/2021 14:25

What do you expect him to do? Not work? What's the alternative?

How about not working until 10pm at night when your wife is ill and looking after a five month old baby and another dc? How about working until 5.00pm and then getting home fast to help with dinner, bath, bed and then go back to work later if necessary (if practicably possible)? How about finishing early during the week and catching up at the weekend or the following week when she is better?

All of those solutions sound reasonable to me.

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